It was so good to have everyone together for the draft this year! (click for larger version)
10. Fruit on the Bottom (78 points)
Autodraft is a cruel, cruel fate. While Welty was enjoying some tender lump crab meat at Joe's Crab Shack, Morris from Yahoo! was selecting a stable of has-been receivers and backup running backs to fill out Welty's roster. The move to acquire Michael Vick before the season was a well-calculated gamble with Tremendous Upside Potential, but Fruit on the Bottom will now need Vick to play 16 superhuman games to have a shot at competing. Anything less and there's not just not enough talent to stay in the race.
One useless statement from Peter King: I think Mike Sims-Walker could play football this year in St. Louis.
Something gay from Brad Evans: The shifty speed of Jacquizz Rogers could make any fantasy owner jacquizz in his pants.
Player I want to punch in the face: Jason Avant. Who ARE you?
9. Jamie Looks Hot (59 points)
Soon-to-be-father JR has hitched his team to the attractiveness of our league commissioner's wife.
This is the first thing I noticed about his team. The second is that it seems to be unfairly maligned by the pollsters. There's a solid quarterback who could break out, four very talented receivers and some reasonable depth at running back, though lacking a star-quality difference-maker there. It's probably not a top-flight team, but I see no reason it should be ranked this low. What is wrong with you people? Is anyone reading this?
One useless statement from Peter King: Watch Jordy Nelson run a route sometime.
Something gay from Brad Evans: Matt Ryan's new toy Julio Jones will give the dreamy, strong-jawed quarterback yet another muscular target to thrust his balls to rhythmically during the course of the season.
Player I want to punch in the face: Shonn Greene. There are two acceptable ways to spell your name and YOU USE NEITHER OF THEM.
8. Waiting for Goodell (58 points)
Kudos to Baron for probably the strongest team name in the league, even if a Google search reveals that 4,400 other people also thought of this. But still, it's a good team name.
I also feel like Baron is a little unfairly maligned by the pollsters. Maybe I just don't think anyone in the league should have to be last. Then again, I'm a socialist. Arian Foster is the best running back in fantasy football (and he also gifted the world this awesome slam on Colin Cowherd), especially in our PPR league, and that gives Baron a week-in, week-out advantage. Frank Gore is another strong back. But after those two guys, the position drops off the face of the Earth. Actually, now I see why Baron is ranked low. Maybe I should go back and edit the earlier part of this paragraph, rather than just keep writing it in a stream of consciousness.
Nah.
One useless statement from Peter King: Earl Bennett has hands.
Something gay from Brad Evans: Watch Manning go bam-bam-bam to Manningham as Super Mario owners jam their way to a grand-slam title.
Player I want to punch in the face: Jared Allen. Wait, Baron didn't draft Jared Allen?
7. Let My Monkeys Go (56 points)
Andy's team would be much better if one of Ryan Mathews or Mike Tolbert got hurt. As it stands, they'll sort of cancel each other out. Andy's team would also be much better if there was a decent quarterback to throw the ball to A.J. Green, who is awesome. There are some things to like here, with Jamaal Charles being constantly badass, Felix Jones' breakout potential and Vincent Jackson playing a full season. Anquan Boldin is also a nice PPR player. There are some things to dislike, however, such as Viano owning three tight ends and none of them really being all that great.
One useless statement from Peter King: No player does more than Thomas Jones.
Something gay from Brad Evans: Mike Tolbert will barrel down on opposing defenses this year, thwarting the burly man-beasts who seek to restrain his nonstop gladiator pounding action.
Player I want to punch in the face: Greg Olsen, because I'm tired of hearing about how the Bears are going to miss his 500 receiving yards and four fumbles a year.
6. Who is Ron Mexico? (49 points)
This is bullshit.
One useless statement from Peter King: I don't normally give this kind of advice, but my sneaky-good fantasy player this year is Roddy White.
Actual something gay from Brad Evans: Speaking as a McFadden lover-turned-hater-turned-lover again, it's foolish not to believe he won't at least flirt with the RB top-five. In fact, by year's end, it wouldn't be a shock if he finished in the catbird seat.
Player I want to punch in the face: Tony Romo. What a stupid, punchable face.
5. Stranger in the Alps (40 points, 1 first-place vote)
If Peyton Manning ends up dead, none of this matters. Besides, you're all here to read about your own teams anyway, so why bother wasting my breath on my own?
One actual useless statement from Peter King: Keep doubting Tim Hightower.
Something gay from Brad Evans: I can't say there's anyone I would rather watch snare large, oblong brown balls than Larry Fitzgerald.
Player I want to punch in the face: CJ Spiller. Leading the league in lateral yardage since 2010!
4. ChamPeons (30 points, 1 first-place vote)
Having Drew Brees, plus two strong PPR backs like the LeSean McCoy and Matt Forte will go a long way for a fantasy team. However, it's entirely possible that each of his top four receivers -- Marques Colston, Brandon Marshall, Chad Ochocino and Carolina Steve Smith -- all go bust this year, which would cause huge problems for Champ. I realize that any player on any team could go bust, but these four are all riskier bets than most others. There's not much depth behind them, with the only other WR on the roster being Devin Hester. Basically, Champ will go as far as his receivers take him.
One useless statement from Peter King: Do I like Chad Ochocinco in New England? I don't know.
Something gay from Brad Evans: Hey, remember that time Devin Hester got his pants pulled down during a game on live, national television? Uhh, me neither.
Player I want to punch in the face: Drew Brees. I'd aim for the mole.
2. Pantry Cereals (tie) (26 points, 1 first-place vote)
I like this team. In fact, if Drew wants to just swap entire rosters, I'd be down with that. What do you think, Drew?
Because, on the positive side, Drew has an elite quarterback, one elite running back, two other solid running backs and several solid receivers. Nice mix of upside guys, but also a few high-floor guys in case some things go wrong for him.
However, on the down side, he has the whitest team in the history of fantasy football, boasting Tom Brady, Wes Welker, Austin Collie, Jason Witten, Danny Woodhead, Matt Cassel, Chris Cooley and Davone Bess, who I'm classifying as white because of his yards-per-catch average.
One useless statement from Peter King: Did anyone see Danny Woodhead coming last year?
Something gay from Brad Evans: Did anyone see Danny Woodhead coming last year?
Player I want to punch in the face: Duh. Danny Woodhead.
2. Bobby Engram (tie) (26 points, 3 first-place votes)
Ed has lots of star power on his team, loaded with Philip Rivers, Chris Johnson, Maurice Jones-Drew, Andre Johnson, Antonio Gates, etc., etc., etc. There's probably not a team in the league that has a higher ceiling than Ed's team. If all of his elite guys perform like they're supposed to, along with potentially strong players like Beanie Wells, he'll be hard to beat.
However, there is a lot that can go wrong here. Chris Johnson, Jones-Drew and Gates all have big situational issues that could blow up. Ed is protected a little by owning Rashad Jennings, but it's a risky situation. Not that it matters, since I'm sure Ed will again make the playoffs and do well, since that's what has happened for a decade now.
One useless statement from Peter King: I think this Chris Johnson thing will be resolved at some point in the future, one way or another.
Something gay from Brad Evans: Workout wonder Vernon Davis finally put it together last season, as the man who looks so good in the weight room finally translated that to looking good on Sundays in his football pants.
Player I want to punch in the face: I invite all of you to print this picture, glue it to a speed bag, then just go crazy.
1. Millionaire Slaves (24 points, 4 first-place votes)
Aaron Rodgers is awesome; Adrian Peterson is awesome; Calvin Johnson is awesome. Those three guys alone will take Stem a long way. Michael Turner is a very solid No. 2 running back, or even No. 3, as Peyton Hillis could possibly be considered a better bet. If Brandon Lloyd comes anywhere near repeating last season's numbers (he probably won't), Stem will deserve his lofty ranking here. Also, it may not come into play this year, but Stem was able to get James Starks criminally late.
Obligatory note about Mike Thomas and his Yahoo! mugshot.
One useless statement from Peter King: Aaron Rodgers. So accurate.
Something gay from Brad Evans: This bit ran out of steam a few teams ago, so … sorry, everyone.
Player I want to punch in the face: Brandon Lloyd. You could only manage 26 measly catches with Kyle Orton throwing to you in Chicago? Thanks for really giving it your all in Chicago, asshole.
