Week 3: Choice of a new generation

Down To The Wire Thunder
GWAR!! 106, Honey&Vinegar Realty 104.25

GWAR!!: Tashard Choice (17) became the big waiver wire pickup of the week (and one of the bigger ones in recent memory), as he rumbled all over Arlington on Monday night, and his two-point conversion in the final moments of the fourth quarter provided the factor Welty needed to tip the scales. Tomke can thank an injured Felix Jones for making Choice the only choice in Dallas. Jay Cutler also had a nice day for Welty's real team (23.25), but the problem was the void from everyone else. The ragtag receiver crew of TJ Whosyomama, Mario Manningham and Johnny Knox look to have nothing more than boom-or-bust potential, and Chris Johnson (10) was only a shell of his awesome self from a week ago. Still, Welty is 2-1 after a thrilling finish.

Honey&Vinegar Realty: Dave Tomke got a huge day from one of the league's premier fantasy running backs, Maurice Jones-Drew (32). DeSean Jackson (16) obviously had a very nice rapport with Kevin Kolb, and the return of McNabb shouldn't restrict the big-play receiver's future use. But how pissed must Tomke be at 0-3 despite having the fourth-most points in the league. Ted Ginn Jr. (0) is a useless turd. It also seems like bitchy karma that Matthew Stafford (17.50) had a bigger day on the bench that Tomke's prince, Tony Romo (12.5).

Gold standard: With Felix Jones possibly hobbled going forward, Choice could figure in the Cowboys plans even if Marion Barber is back at full strength. He certainly didn't hurt his cause Monday. Willie Parker (17.5) also had a but of a resurgence on Welty's bench.

Silver Lining: At least the Lions won. Too bad Tomke running back Kevin Smith was hurt in the contest.

The Drew Bennett Bowl
Penguins From Hell 109.75, Ted Buckland Esq. 105.25

Penguins From Hell: JR may have caught lightning in a bottle with Cedric Benson (13.50), who continues to put up very solid numbers with the 2-1 (and should be 3-0) Bengals. Tom Brady (17.25) and Reggie Wayne (15.50) had pleasant weeks, but the real story was Saints running back Pierre Thomas (24.50). The hobbled bruiser didn't have a touch in the first half and then rumbled for 126 yards and two touchowns in the second half. The entire matchup swung on that performance.

Ted Buckland, Esq: Steve Smith was dead quiet Monday night, which kept Eli from getting the necessary 9.5 points for victory, even though he had DeMarcus Ware and Smith to JR's zero players in the final game of the week. Outside of Peyton Manning (34), it was a pretty pedestrian week for the hilariously snakebitten owner, though Steve Slaton (9.50) finally showed signs of relevance in the Houston offense.

Gold Standard: Radcliffe is 2-1 but has some fortune to his credit, with the Monday night stinker by Smith and the Carolina Panthers seriously helping his cause. Also, the emergence of Thomas might convince the Saints to settle on him as their primary back once and for all, which would greatly aid Radcliffe's pitiful running back situation.

Silver Lining: Slaton needs to finally break out already, and he's on his way. Also, Derrick Ward may have finally reached that "simply too shitty to play anymore" role, with Joseph Addai playing well from the bench.

Winning Ugly is Still Winning
ChamPeons 96, Jared Allen Forever 89.75

ChamPeons: It's a pretty good team if two flashy fantasy studs like Drew Brees (4) and Terrell Owens (0) do virtually nothing, and a team still wins. An ultra-steady team of Devin Hester, Steve Smith (Giants), Matt Forte, LeSean McCoy, and Dallas Clark all finished between 11.5 and 14.5 points. DeAngelo Williams (7) wasn't especially helpful on Monday night, but Champ had the ingredients for a victory nonetheless.

Jared Allen Forever: It was not a good week for Baron, as Frank Gore (0) not only matched TO's shutout but also went down for a couple weeks. Now Brendel must decide whether or not to bid on Glen Coffee -- and how much? Lee Evans (3) wasn't much better than Owens, and Chad Ochocinco (4.50) was crummy even though Carson Palmer logged 16 points.

Gold Standard: McCoy is now suddenly part of a running back rotation in Philadelphia, which adds another option to the arsenal for the 3-0 Whitlock franchise. But who to start in a given week -- Westbrook or McCoy? Maybe neither -- Julius Jones also broke out on Whitlock's bench.

Silver Lining: We get to see the bidding system in full effect this week, with Coffee sure to be in high demand, but far more meaningful to Brendel's team. Mark Sanchez might wind up having trade value, and Kevin Walter is back (which helps with Felix Jones also incurring an injury).

What the hell is wrong with Ed?
Stafford Infection, 99.75 Curtis Conway 75.0

Stafford Infection: It really started and ended this week with Aaron Rodgers (29.25), who also had a pretty good performance (but not the one most people notice) heading into FavreBowl. Calvin Johnson (4), Larry Fitzgerald (7) and Adrian Peterson (9) (it always pains me to know he has such an embarrassment of riches) underperformed, but it was a week when Stem could afford it. Useless weeks from Antonio Bryant (0.5) and Beanie Wells (0) were likewise absorbed.

Curtis Conway: Ed's behemoth football team has gone from horrible to awesome and back to horrible, and this week the 75-point output comes with the consternation of lineup decisions. Sexy waiver-wire pickup Mike Sims-Walker (4 points) was one of the flex choices ahead of Knowshon Moreno (15.0), or Ricky Williams (14). His receiver triumvirate really let him down, with Andre Johnson, Roddy White and LoveYourAnus Coles combining for 13 points.

Gold standard: The Lions won, leaving Andrew Stem in a constant state of euphoria this weekend. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he probably got laid.

Silver lining: For Ed, LDT figures to return very soon, and Moreno's first career touchdown gives the notorious king of running backs just one more weapon.

Finally, Someone Beats Viano
Doc Brown's DeLorean 105.25, Monkey Assassinations 95.25

Doc Brown's DeLorean: Drew Wolf may never hit 110 points, but hit output was good enough to sneak past a feeble yet undefeated Viano team. Wolf's faith in Santana Moss (19) after two pretty bad weeks paid dividends, and Eli Manning (18.5) had a quality game in a shutout perforamnce. Reggie Bush and Greg Jennings continued slow starts to the season, but it didn't matter this week.

Monkey Assassinations: Viano actually had a pretty consistent week, getting solid outings from Kurt Warner (13.5 -- solid in a game when his team only scored 10 points), Brandon Jacobs (15), a resurgent Greg Olsen (10.5) and Pierre Garcon (12), who may never leave the starting lineup after a mini-breakout on Sunday night. Braylon Edwards (2.5) might be a lost cause.

Gold Standard: Wolf will get quite a bit better in the coming weeks, when Donovan McNabb returns from injury and Marshawn Lynch becomes active after a drug suspension. Not that Fred Jackson (10) has struggled in Lynch's stead, or Manning is a bad call

Silver Lining: The arrival of Garcon out of somewhat thin air is very promising, especially for an owner otherwise relying on injury cases (Dwayne Bowe, Lance Moore), a failed Braylon Edwards and a strangely-named Chansi Stuckey.

STANDINGS, FUCKERS
ChamPeons 3-0
Stafford Infection 2-1
GWAR!! 2-1
Penguins From Hell 2-1
MonkeyAssasinations 2-1
Jared Allen Forever 1-2
Ted Buckland, Esq. 1-2
Doc Brown's DeLorean 1-2
Curtis Conway 1-2
Honey&Vinegar Realty 0-3

Week 2: Lame

I lost this week, so I'm pissed. Also, there were no exciting games this week. So I'm blowing this recap off and doing a shitty job. Anyone who wants to do better can delete me and write their own damn recap. I hope Tomke dies.

Monkey Assassinations 102, Penguins From Hell 76. Someone want to explain how Viano can have the fewest points in the league and be one of only two 2-0 teams? My hilariously bad performance this week has something to do with it. Looks like the Cardinals aren't has bad as I thought -- Warner and Hightower combined for 36.5 this week.

GWAR!!! 148.50, Stafford Infection 94.5. The beauty of fantasy football is the opportunity for someone to have a monumentally good week or bad week regardless of how good the team is. Welty scored 72 last week and bombed Stem this week with more than double the output. Chris Johnson (45.5) was an absolute stallion. So...is Welty the best or worst team in the league?

ChamPeons 130, Doc Brown's DeLorean 89.75. The fact that Drew scored this much is awesome given how three pretty good recievers -- Santana Moss, Greg Jennings and Roy Williams -- combined for a hilarious 0.00. HOW THE HELL did Greg Jennings get a zero? Champ's logo looks an awful lot like a Saints helmet, which is fitting, because Drew Brees can carry his ass if he so chooses.

Jared Allen Forever 136, Honey & Vinegar Realty 88.75. I like Tomke being 0-2. What's with all the zeros this week? We got them from Jennings, Lance Moore, Wes Welker (late scratch probably irritated more than just Tomke), Zach Miller, and essentially Santana Moss (who was worse than zero). Frank Gore was pretty awesome for Baron.

Curtis Conway 138, Ted Buckland, Esq. 116. Eli falls to 1-1 (not 0-2; fuck you Welty) despite a pretty good week and Ed's curse-worthy new team name. Ronnie Brown and Andre Johnson went off for Ed, with two scores each, and Eli's week was pretty good if you don't count that Steve Slaton has been butt so far this season.

Week 1 Recap: Brees over Bitches

As long as I'm winning and happy with Fantasy Football, I can write recaps. When I get pissy, I will become apathetic like the whiny slut that I am.

This was really a week of surprises -- the top two teams in the preseason poll struggled mightily, including an ugly loss for the team ranked near the top. One game came down to the absolute wire, likely to leave the losing owner in a self-inflicted coma, in which he surely dreams of Lions, long hair and lube jobs.

Game of the Damn Week

ChamPeons 132.00,
Stanton For Heisman 131.25.
How painful it must have been to have the third-highest score in the league and lose to the second-highest by less than a point. Champ had to sweat out Monday night despite having the Quarterback Orgasm that was Drew Brees.

Thunder: Randy Moss was laughing on the sidelines near the end of the game probably at the small handful of catches Terrell Owens (3 points) had. Champ was not laughing so much as Wes Welker's output (10) nearly put Tomke over the top.

WTF?: Detroit safety Louis Delmas (12) gave Tomke some points where they weren't expected. Matt Forte (5.5) had a slow start to his breakout campaign for Champ.

Homer-eroticism: Tomke has three Lions in his starting lineup, and Champ has three Bears.
The difference: Brees. Even with Tony Romo (29) having a delicious day for his biggest fan, Brees (46.5) enjoyed one of the most successful days imaginable. Ed will probably need to consult the record books on this one.

A Decent Undercard
Penguins From Hell 127.5,
Doc Brown's DeLorean 106.5
Two teams that don't really figure into the title-favorite picture both hit triple digits, with some big outings from QBs leading the charge.

Thunder: The outcome was in doubt until Tom Brady (25.75) went on a late-game flourish against the Bills, picking up two touchdown receptions and finishing with Radcliffe's largest score of the week. Wolf enjoyed a big day from Fred Jackson (17.5), but Antonio Gates (6.50) wasn't enough to overcome Zach Miller (7) and Darren McFadden (5) in the late game.

WTF?: Chris Henry (0.5) barely played for Cincy, catching one lame pass. Radcliffe had to make some decisions regarding an injured-but-playing Anquan Boldin, and sacrificing Justin Gage and Heath Miller by Thursday limited the options. Santana Moss (1) and Brandon Marshall (3) made Drew's early WR returns look horrendous.

Battle of the Backs: How far has Reggie Bush fallen? In a battle of replacing Pierre Thomas, Drew got only 2.50 out of Bush, while former waiver wire specialty Mike Bell (11) went off for well over 100 yards.

The difference: Santonio Holmes. Most everyone expects the big days turned in by Tom Terrific and Reggie Wayne (19.5), but Radcliffe had a good start to the week when Holmes (17) emerged as a colossal threat for the Steelers.

A Bloody Whitewash
Stafford Infection 146.5,

Jared Allen Forever 77.5
The highest-scoring team in the league didn't even need a remarkable effort from Adrian Peterson (36.5) to make this a laugher. Five players reached double digits, while poor Baron had only two.

Thunder: As a last bit of cruelness, Stem's Nate Kaeding (6) outplayed Lee Evans (2.5) for Baron.

WTF?: Baron was already behind the eight-ball when an injury gave Anthony Gonzalez a zero, but the fun didn't stop there. Carson Palmer (3.25) had a miserable day at quarterback, one of the few among VUFSA quarterbacks. Stem, meanwhile, had the luxury of catching John Carlson (19) on a career day. Also, Jared Allen wasn't even worth a half-point.

AP Press: Quietly, Stem has developed an army of awesomeness by attaining inarguably the highest-rated running back (Peterson) and WR (Fitzgerald) in fantasy football. Calvin Johnson and Aaron Rodgers mgiht be top-three players at their positions, as well. Stem should probably be favored to win the whole league, in my opinion.

The difference: Stem set his lineup on time.

A Late Win

Ted Buckland Esq. 80.75,

GWAR!! 72.25
Eli didn't need much Thunder to overcome his childhood sweetheart Welty, and Randy Moss gave him more than enough. Welty, meawhile, was hampered by a series of terrible, terrible individual performances.

Thunder: Eli entered the night needing with a five-point lead, and that's hardly a slam dunk given the numbers in the VUFSA. But Moss (13) was up to the challenge and allowed Eli to overcome a decent night from Welty's Stephen Gostkowski (10).

WTF?: Steve Slaton (0.5) is supposed to be one of the top young runniong backs in the game, but that was not a very charming debut, with just 9 carries and 17 yards on the ground, plus a fumble.

Unbearable: Jay Cutler (4.75) had a hilarious debut and cost Welty dearly, and former Bear Bernard Berrian (0) was somehow worse. Really, Welty had some bad luck, as nobody could expect five points or worse from Eddie Royal (1), TJ Hoorayforboobies (5), Vincent Shankyourho (2.5) or Willie Parker (1.5).

The difference: Peyton Manning. Welty didn't have a single performance better than the 13 points from Marion Barber, and neither did Eli -- except for Manning. Through all the mediocrity, Manning was good enough to tip the scales.

Ed's Personal Hell

MonkeyAssassinations 87.50,

Devil's Avacado 77.5
If not for Phillip Rivers on Monday (14) and an unreal IDP performance from Osi Umenyiora (16.75), Ed would not have had any double-digit efforts. Just a spectacular failure across the board.

Thunder: Ed needed Rivers to find success in places other than Vincent Jackson, and that didn't happen -- Rivers (14) and Tomlinson (8.5) were not enough to overcome Viano's lead and output from Jackson (10). Ed's total of 65 heading into Monday night had to look depressing.

WTF?: Tim Hightower suddenly became a pass-catching machine in Arizona, finishing wtih a team-high 13.5 points.

Is the really Ed's team?: Stalwarts Andre Johnson (3), LDT (8.5), Steven Jackson (6), Ronnie Brown (5.5) and Loveyouranus Coles (0.5) all had bad weeks at the same time, and while Viano had some hiccups of his own (Braylon Edwards and Greg Olsen combining for 1 point), he at least had a handful of players with decent efforts.

The difference: Hightower, easily. He appears to have gained a key role in the Cardinals offense, especially when they are down. Then again, maybe that's not a wagon Viano (who also has Kurt Warner) really wants to be hitched upon.