"It says in the Bible or something that a dude will come to lead them, and now that they sort of have their shit together, they have Tony Romo to lead them. It's biblical."
-JR Radcliffe, Oct. 23, 2006
"I have a feeling that Dave is pulling our leg with the Tony Romo start."
-Edwin Schillinger, Oct. 26, 2006
"Tony Romo is going to be kept over Eli Manning. NO ONE saw that coming a month ago."
-Drew Wolf, Nov. 27, 2006
"Obviously, it's another nice VUFSA joke-turned-famous, but he's really not anything better than a middle-range quarterback."
-The Gun, Dec. 14, 2006
"We all laughed at Tomke when he oozed over Tony Romo, a useless backup quarterback and threatened to start him when he had much better options. In the end, Romo has become the better option in virtually all cases."
-JR Radcliffe, Sept. 25, 2007
"That whole Tony Romo lovefest is getting old."
-JR Radcliffe, Oct. 9, 2007
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Power Index 10.15
Nice Hat, Dave
1. Stanton for Heisman (4-2, PI: 80)
A staggering index this far into the season for David. Should, for all intents and purposes be 6-0, with a low score of 105 so far. Only two losses have been against only two opponents who have hit triple digits.
2. Unending Hyperbole (3-3, PI: 70)
Last week's performance was a tremendous deviation from the excellent path that Baron had been on. He can't really afford to have slip ups like that, with opponents averaging 114.75 points in games against him. Plays the four lowest scoring teams in the league the next four games.
3. Tom Waddle (6-0, PI: 69)
Has been on a nice roll the last four weeks- averaging 120 points per game. Is the last remaining undefeated partly because of that roll, but more credit goes to an opponent's per game average of 85.33 points, the weakest total in the VUFSA.
4. ChamPeons (5-1, PI: 63)
Mostly steady all year long, has brought in reinforcements to finish up a tough stretch and solidify status as a playoff favorite. Move looked great after Joseph Addai was to miss a couple weeks, but not as good when Willie Parker re-injured himself. Still, with Dominic Rhodes emerging off of the waiver wire, may have time to wait out Waiver Wire Willie.
5. G-Rock's Horse Roids (5-1, 59)
Keeping everything in perspective- this was an enormous win for Stem. Sits two games up on a playoff spot after handing Champ his first loss. Like Waddle, has benefited from light resistance- opponents average 89.25 points against him, 2nd lowest total in the league.
6. The Best Loser (2-4, PI: 46)
Record aside, Welty has had a great first six games of his VUFSA football career. This week was the first time he got to play an opponent who racked up less than 100 points. Unfortunately- seems like a longshot that he'll make a playoff appearance despite the strong showing(s). Sits two games back of 4th, but has tremendous tiebreaker hurdles to overcome, having to climb over both Baron and Dave, teams 1 and 2 in points.
7. Not Good (1-5, PI: 33)
It's only week six, and Eli's collected two 3rd rounders, the two best QBs of this decade, a preseason top-5 back and a preseason top-3 WR. His team's performance on the "field" may be subpar, but his performance in the marketplace is unparalelled.
8. CatastrophicOilSpill (1-5, PI: 30)
The first win did not come easily, as Viano almost got Thundered for the second straight week. I like the Brandon Jacobs addition, as he looks like an absolute beast this year. As long as the Giants use him right, and continue their ascent to the NFL's elite offenses, Jacobs may yet live up to his one-time VUFSA folk-hero status.
9. The 2002 Bengals (2-4, PI: 26)
The two game winning streak comes to a screeching halt with the low-score of the week. Still has not posted a point total in the top five of any individual week, the only team in the league with that distinction.
10. Phil Dawson's Dawgs (1-5, PI: 24)
Braylon Edwards is back, and Ryan Grant is slowly coming around. Still, this is a tremendous hole, and is averaging 29 points less per game than last season's career high.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Week 6 Recap
Pardon the Interruption boys and girls, I'm Tony Kornheiser and here's your VUFSA Week 6 Recap. Can you believe it Jaws?
G-Rock's Horse Roids: 108.50
ChamPeons: 84.25
This was without question the game of the week. I mean, you have Champ- who hasn't lost since LAST YEAR, falling short in a game where every single one of his players got hurt. On the other side, you have Aaron Rodgers, who is replacing Brett Farve and Tom Brady SIMULTANEOUSLY, playing the best football of anyone in the entire universe right now. This game was worth staying up until 8:30p for, even though I'm exhausted today.
ROCK: Adrian Peterson, who was suppsed to be the best player in Fantasy Football this year, rushed for 111 yards but only had FIVE POINTS! Jaws, have you ever seen someone rush for more than 100 yards- against the Lions- and only score five points? I guess that that doesn't matter when you have Thomas Jones- who I thought retired until Brett Farve got traded to the Jets- had about 75 points this week to carry Andrew Stem's team. Larry Fitzgerald, who plays on a recent expansion team is a very good football player and all- but CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MUCH HAIR HE HAS?
MVP So Far: Adrian Peterson, who set a record in a game last year for yards!
CHM: With all that has happened in New Orleans over the years, it's good to see Drew Brees lifting the city's spirit and playing amazing football right now. If the season ended today, he very well would get considered for MVP. Matt Forte, A ROOKIE, has been incredible for the defending VUFSA Bowl Champs. Here's what I don't understand- basic concepts of football. What I also don't understand, is subtlety. One more thing I don't quite get is how Joseph Addai- who plays for the HIGH FLYING Colts- scores ZERO points while his team wins by a gillion. TO has a quiet game- which is about the only quiet thing he's done in about 30 years! (fake laughter from all)
MVP So Far: Drew Brees, who was great last year and is still good right now.
Tom Waddle: 128.75
Unending Hyperbole: 78.50
This was supposed be a great. game. I don't know what happened to Hyperbole. This is a team averaging 119.35 points per game, and then this happens! This just goes to show you- when it comes to the National Football League, none of us know anything. I've said this 5 million times- NO ONE IN THE MEDIA CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE OF THE SPORTS WE COVER!
WAD: Jaws- can you believe that Kurt Warner is still starting? He's like 60 years old! He's great- and you know I love him, but he is averaging, and I looked this up, 7 turnovers per game! I will say this though, that doesn't matter, because 15.50 points is still a solid point total. Did you see Bernard Berrian running down the field yesterday? Only the Lions could allow 14.50 points to a wide receiver- ON THE VIKINGS! (zing!) I will say this- I get paid an obscene amount of money to broadcast the most viewed television program on cable, and I can't tell you who Roddy White is or what team he plays for. And he scored 15.50 points....against the BEARS, who I believe are a very good defense.
MVP So Far: Ronnie Brown. The Wildcat offense is sweeping the NFL. It is a COPY. CAT LEAGUE.
HYP: Lemme ask you something- doesn't Michael Turner lead the National Football League in rushing yards? Didn't he have like, 400 yards in the first game of the season? Doesn't he have about 24 touchdowns so far? He used to be a BACKUP to LaDanian Tomlinson. What is he doing scoring just five points? He was playing the Bears, who I believe are a below average defense. Frank Gore, who plays under Mike Martz who loves to pass the ball, had a YUUUGE day with 18.00 points. Laverneus Coles had seven points, and he's become the favorite target of Brett Farve. I actually remember talking to Brett back in 1993, when he was first contemplating retirement and he told me, he LOVES PLAYING THE GAME! Have you ever seen someone play the game....with as much flair as Farve? I mean, he's like a little kid out there. I know he throws a zillion interceptions, but that. is what. you get. with Brett. Farve. He could probably play the game until he is 50! I don't know about you, but when I was 50, I couldn't stay up past 4pm, let alone PLAY IN THE NFL! (har har har)
MVP So Far: Brett Farve.
Stanton for Heisman!: 153.25
Not Good: 81.00
You can't predict what is going to happen week to week, and here's why. Eli scored a bazillion points last week, and this week, just 81! Meanwhile, we see Tomke just crushing everybody. He reminds me of the Steelers of the 1970s with the way his is just IMPOSING HIS WILL on his opponents. Jaws- you know what it's like to play in the NFL- how hard is it to play when the other team is scoring SO MANY POINTS?
SFH: [break from mediocre character peice] Dave has an excellent team, but he already knows that. He doesn't need me to talk about it. So, for those of you who weren't fortunate enough to see the wonder that is the Lion offense, here's what you missed:
"JAWS, I've seen quarterbacks run out of bounds before, but not in the END ZONE! Have ever SEEN anything like that?"
Notice: Jared Allen all over that shit. /break
[Tomke] CHAD PENNINGTON MOTHERFUCKERS! I DIDN'T EVEN DROP THE LIONS THIRD STRING QB TO PICK HIM UP /Tomke
NG: Can you believe how "NOT GOOD" this team has been? (fake laughter) I mean, just about everything that can go wrong has. Roy Williams has fallen off the planet. DeAngelo Williams had 78 points last week on the bench and then scores three when he starts. He trades Maurice Jones-Drew to Dave, and HE EXPLODES in a game against him. Jaws, do you think players pay closer attention to games they play against their former teams? It always seems like they play better in those games. Except for Randy Moss and Steve Slaton. You have to start wondering if The Gun is just cursed. I mean HE HAS SUCH BAD LUCK. I have never, EVER seen anything like this.
MVP So Far: PEYTON. MANNING. People want to talk about his little brother, who plays for the Super Bowl Champion New Yawk Giants, but people forget that Peyton won the Super Bowl the year before! I mean, have there EVER. been brothers who won consecutive Super Bowl MVPs before? Jaws?
CatastrophicOilSpill: 105.50
Phil Dawson's Dawgs: 103.25
COS: We all remember when Kyle Orton came into the league. He was a guy who was kind of confused, who had pictures of him floating all over the internet and a guy who was asked to manage the game which we all know is code for "don't screw it up." (har har har) Now you look at the guy- with that goofy beard all over his neck, and he's ONE OF THE BEST QBs IN THE LEAGUE! I mean, did you ever see that happening? Patrick Crayton, Steve Breaston and Lance Moore all had great games this week. When I first saw those three names, I didn't even know they were football players! I thought they were singers in one of those "boy bands" that my daughter keeps going on about. Matter of fact, I think Lance Moore was one of the cuts on IDOL last year, but that's only because Simon CRUSHED HIM after a subpar rendition of "Hey Jude" which is not in fact a song about that British guy that my wife wants to have sex with.
MVP So Far: Greg Jennings whoever that is.
PDD: Philip Rivers TORE his ACL last year and threw THREE touchdowns this week! Jaws-- you played quarterback in the National Football League- did you EVER throw three touchdowns *in ONE GAME* ten months after tearing the most important ligament in your leg? Now, I play fantasy football but I don't claim to be an expert. But isn't the purpose of the game to score POSITIVE points? Someone needs to tell Drew that, because he had a guy who scored NEGATIVE POINTS! I know Fred Taylor is about 50 years old, but I can't see how that happens. Braylon Edwards and the Browns have been such a disappointment- so many of us in the media thought they could go to the SUPER bowl. They were bad for a while and we forgot about them. THEN, Braylon and the Browns had a nice game this week, so it just goes to show you that when it comes to the National Football League- none of us know anything.
MVP So Far: Philip Rivers has thrown 14 touchdown passes and he has to be the MVP. If you pressed me on this, I pick him because he's simply had the most value of all the players on this club.
New Berlin Quizno's: 107.75
2002 Bengals: 72.50
I actually don't care much for Quizno's, and I'm not even sure their IS an "Old Berlin"- and I know about old!- so I don't really know how this team name makes sense. On the other side, JR's team played really, really bad.
NBQ: Marion Barber, who just runs OVER people, had a huge game on Sunday and I don't know if you heard this, but his teammate Tony Romo is out for a MONTH with a broken pinkie. Jaws- I don't know about you, but I think that a pinkie injury has to be the most emasculating thing that can happen to a quarterback in the National Football League. I mean, you've got all these big strong guys around you, and you sit here as the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys who is out with an injury to his smallest finger. Correll Buckhalter, who I believe just played in his first game ever in the NFL, had 22.50 points! He is keeping the Eagles competitive in the only thing that can actually get my dick hard, the NFC East. And Joe Gibbs is back in NASCAR!
MVP So Far: Brett Farve. Can you believe he almost REE-TIE-URD before this year? And now here he is FLOURISHING outside of Green Bay. It's unbelievable. Simply cannot be believed.
BEN: Now I know bad. I've actually had to listen to myself call Monday Night Football. But this week was bad. Somebody named Chanci Stuckey started for this team this week, and as far as I'm concerned, he was a syphilitic hobo last week! The real story here though is the maturation of Eli Manning, who some people are starting to wonder about: is he better than his brother Peyton Manning? They've both got their Super Bowl rings now, and to be honest with you, I couldn't pick one right now. Jaws- do you think you could pick a Manning? Outside of Cooper the retarded one, of course.
MVP So Far: I really don't know, because I was supposed to be in bed about three hours ago! (guffaw) I'll just say Eli Manning, but I'll say it with a combination of awe and confusion.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Power Rankings 10.01
Go Cubs1. Unending Hyperbole (2-2, Power Index: 83)
Baron holds onto the top spot in large part to the fact that his point total still tops all others. Deserved a win this week, and should absolutely be undefeated.
2. Stanton For Heisman! (3-1, PI: 80)
Dave has been really, really good thus far, and has a massive matchup against Champ this week.
3. ChamPeons (4-0, PI: 69)
Champ's next three opponents are a combined 11-1.
4. G-Rock Horse Roids (4-0, PI: 61)
High score of the week, and stays unbeaten after first true challenge this week. Welty was the first of Stem's opponent to crack 80 points.
5. Tom Waddle (4-0, PI: 58)
Conquered foes are a combined 2-10.
6. Winslow's Warriors (1-3, PI: 52)
It's been a very rude welcome for the rookie, with teams averaging 117.63 points against, highest mark in the league.
7. 1996 Jets (1-3, PI: 28)
With a win over Viano next week, the path is clear for the 2002 Bengals. Like those Bengals, could probably acquire Carson Palmer for free. Not that he should, but he could.
8. Smelly Turd (0-4, PI: 25)
Next three matches are against the the other teams under the 400 point mark.
9. Phil Dawson's Dawgs (1-3, PI: 22)
Is 1-0 while scoring over 100 points. Is also 1-0 when opponents held under 70 points. I'm bored now.
10. Hurricane Zambrano (0-4, PI: 19)
Has lost eight straight games dating back to last season.
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