Week 12 Recapitulation

Well, things just got more boring in the VUFSA (obligatory league-self-deprecation remark: They got more boring? Is that even possible? Hee hee, harf harf).

With Champ's win over Dave, ChamPeons took a two-game lead for a playoff berth with just two weeks remaining. Given Champ's healthy point lead, he's unlikely to lose that spot. With Stem, Drew and Ed already clinching playoff berths, the playoff field is essentially locked up.

So, with that said, on to the recapitulation, the theme of which is not looking up any stats and instead making them up, because who's actually checking my work?

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Who is Ron Mexico? 90.50
ChamPeons 105.25

This turned out to be the most important game of the week, as a win from Dave would have put both him and Champ at 6-6. But hey, he didn't win and now here we are.

Champ didn't have any spectacular performances, though a rejuvenated Deion Branch put forth a pretty nice effort and Drew Brees was solid as always. As previously stated, Champ should make the playoffs barring a total collapse on his end AND some unlikely strong weeks from any of the 5-7 teams.

Dave was led by Louis Delmas' 29.75 points.

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Cover Tooth 112.00
Awkward Emoticons ;) 175.75

Whoa, Drew! Everyone's third-favorite Walgreens manager absolutely went off this week thanks to a couple of notable performances, including Tom Brady (35.25 points), Dwayne Bowe (97 points) and Vernon Davis (2 points). The high point total is notable in that it pushed Drew ahead of Stem in the points standings to give him an edge for the No. 1 seed, if that race would come down to it.

Also, Drew, you're welcome for Dwayne Bowe.

Welty absorbed yet another loss coming from an opponent with a high point total. He now possesses this year's honor of having the most points scored against him: 45,649.

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Stranger in the Alps 106.25
Stanzi Loves America 122.75


Every time I see Peyton Hillis celebrate a touchdown, I'm reminded of this.


Hillis' pre-game steroid/cocaine cocktail led him to 37.50 points this week and he's now the No. 2 running back in the VUFSA behind Arian Foster. To all of the owners out there who aren't even reading this and didn't want to trade for him and are just now inquiring, go choke on your previously-offered 2017 9th-round draft pick. Hillis now costs a literal shit-ton, plus $5,000.

But alas, I'm burying the lede here. Despite SuperGod's massive arm-flexing effort, Stem won in order to stay even with Drew at the top of the league. Aaron Rodgers, who the national media loves because he has as many career playoff wins as Jay Cutler, led with the way with approximately 25 points.

Additionally, the figment of imagination named "Steve Johnson" managed to blow the game for the Bills this week (despite not even existing) and made a 15-year-old Onion headline finally come true by blaming God for the loss. It was AWESOME.

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Marty Booker 88.25
1-800-222-1222 84.75

Despite Baron's homoerotic, Monday-morning smack talk that spoke of "needing" a man named Frank, Ed managed to pull through when Baron's object of desire broke his hip. In doing so, Frank Gore set a world record by becoming the youngest person ever to break a hip, clearing the previous mark by 46 years, which had been held by Prazsky Sedlakjehlickakladivotnik of Garamszentkereszt, Slovakia.

Moving away from frail and crappy to manly and badass, Andre Johnson scored 12.50 points for Ed and beat the living crap out of Cortland Finnegan, which made pretty much everyone happy because Finnegan is a Grade A doucherocket and getting punched in the face is now what he'll most be remembered for in his career.

The loss put Baron back into the slums and the race for the No. 1 pick in next year's draft, which carries with it the right to draft the next Ryan Mathews.

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Truly Fucking Awful 91.25
Let My Monkeys Go 87.25

I'm not talking about JR's team because he doesn't read this blog and he pissed me off by talking about how he wanted to lose, which is my shtick, damn it.

Andy, meanwhile, owns Jamaal Charles, who is awesome. Despite that, he's dropped 4 straight games and has fallen completely out of contention into VUFSA Purgatory which, I can assure you, is not as great as everyone says.

Therefore, in conclusion:


THX, THO...

Week 11 Recap

"I KNOW KUNG FU"

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GAME OF THE WEEK!!!

Awkward Emoticons ;) (8-3): 140.50
Marty Booker (7-4): 140.25

What happened: A true thriller, going down to the wire on Monday Night, with Brandon Lloyd facing off against Philip Rivers. (DJ Williams and Randy McMichael were along for the ride as well). A late score from Lloyd gave Drew the closest win in VUFSA history.

MVP: Dwyane Bowe and his 20 points set the tone for a big game.

Least VP: Andre Johnson (3.00) came up very small, especially compared to the monster weeks from Drew's WRs.

Vince Young Says: "Me and Coach Fish are cool. He takin me to Dave and Busters tonight! Lotsa sexy waitress there he say."

What it means: Oddly, not that much. Both teams are on a collision course for the 2-3 game in the playoffs, but Drew has a better chance of chasing down the #1 seed after this.

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EXCITING BUT ULTIMATELY NOT VERY MEANINGFUL!!!

1-800-222-1222 (4-7): 135.50
Stranger in the Alps (4-7): 127.50

What happened: Roethlisraper (38.50) to Wallace (13.50) led the way, despite a great effort by the Peytons (31.50 for Manning and 17.00 for Hillis).

MVP: Arian Foster as always, 22 points.

Least VP: Does anyone remember back during WVUR fantasy baseball when Rhodes had Daryl Kile in his starting lineup the entire 2002 season? I get that feeling when I see Randy Moss (0.00) in Eli's lineup. Someone has to break it to him that Randy is no longer with us.

Vince Young Says: "RIP to my homey Randy Moss! Imma miss you! I gotta tell Coach Fish we need a new backup for Nate Washington."

What it means: Baron's team is so much better than we originally thought, and stunningly, has an outside chance to make the playoffs with some help. Don't laugh- he has the tiebreaker now.

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BLOWOUT #1!!!

Truly Fucking Awful (4-7): 133.00
Who is Ron Mexico? (5-6): 77.25

What happened: Nostalgia does Dave no good, as his team's namesake dropped 36.00 points off of last week's total and fell well short of a fired up JR team. Greg Jennnings (28.50) was jaw-droppingly good.

MVP: Jennings. Honorable Mention to Ced Benson and the Virgin QB.

Least VP: Michael Crabtree who is terrible.

Vince Young Says: "PROPS TO MY BOY MIKE VICK. He got this good from his rookie year to year two, then he gone be scary good next year. I like watchin Vick cuz it look like me but in a mirror."

What it means: Bad week for Dave's team to not show up, as he stays behind Champ in 5th. He'll never admit it, but JR absolutely relished beating his nemesis.

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BLOWOUT #2!!!

Stanzi Loves America (8-3): 143.50
Let My Monkeys Go (5-6): 71.75

What happened: Aaron Rodgers (37.50) and Michael Turner (19.50) were tremendous, to go along with a rare Larry Fitzgerald (13.00) sighting. Just two double digit guys for Andy.

MVP: "Steve Johnson" who had 28 points on three TD catches.

Least VP: Jahvid Best, who has good keeper potential but is a shaky week-to-week option.

Vince Young Says: "You ever see that movie "Last Boy Scout"? Why don't more teams try that? I ran that in practice two years ago and we scored easy. Coach Fish so impressed he cancel practice the next day and took us to that dude's funeral."

What it means: Stem has virtually clinched a playoff spot, three games up in the loss column with only three to play.

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BLOWOUT #3!!!

ChamPeons (6-5): 135.50
Cover Tooth (4-7): 91.00

What happened: Drew Brees continued the trend of QBs going fucking nuts this week, one of FOUR that went over 30 points. LeSean McCoy (20.50) and Matt Forte (16.00) were stellar. Braylon Edwards and Roddy White each hit double digits for Adam.

MVP: Marques Colston (21.00). WR has been a weak spot for Champ all year, so days like this are enormous on an already solid team.

Least VP: Darren McFadden. Notched just two points against a very tough Steeler team.

Vince Young Says: "I don't mind being on IR too bad, I figure Coach Fish just keepin me fresh for THA PLAYOFFS!"

What it means: Big win for Champ, who makes himself the clear favorite to lose to Stem in the playoffs.

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Week 10 Recap

"REMEMBER GUYS...NO ONE GOES 0-16 BUT US!"

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EPIC MONDAY NIGHT THUNDER!!!

Stanzi Loves America (7-3): 110.00
Stanton for Heisman! (5-5): 126.00

What happened: The Chiefs got their teeth kicked in, and Matt Cassel exploded for 38.25 points. Somehow that wasn't enough as Michael Vick scored 44.50 IN THE FIRST HALF giving Dave a thundering of biblical proportions, finishing with a VUFSA record 55 points. Stem's normally good RBs were pretty bad, with all three combining for 16.00 points. Maurice Jones-Drew topped that himself with a 24.00 showing.

MVP: Who the fuck do you think?

Least VP: CJ Spiller, who notched just one point and left early with an injury. Hines Ward (0.00) and Jason Witten (0.50) were also notably absent.

What it means haiku: Stem still in first place. Tomke has resurrected. Now three five-win teams.

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LESS INTERESTING THUNDER!!!

ChamPeons (5-5): 104.00
Suhssical (3-7): 96.50

What happened: Jay Cutler (23.50) did just enough to counter Matt Ryan's (32.00) huge Thursday. LeSean McCoy's early Monday touchdown pushed Champ ahead in the game and back into playoff position. Legadu Blount (15.50) led a very balanced effort for Brent.

MVP: Matt Ryan. Just think of how good he'll be after he loses his virginity.

Least VP: I'm starting to hate this category. Joel Dreesen (-0.50) I guess? Reggie Wayne's 2.50 probably hurts more when you weigh in expectations.

What it means haiku: Champ back in playoffs. JR continues rebuild. Poor guy, Joel Dreessen.

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MANNING VS. BRADY!!!

Awkward Emoticons (7-3): 130.25
Stranger in the Alps (4-6): 88.50

What happened: Peyton Manning would have had more opportunities to score had he been playing on the Colts defense against Carson Palmer. As is, he was completely outshone by Tom Brady (38.25 to 8.00) and that pretty much decided things. Brandon Lloyd (19.00) and Dez Bryant (12.50) cover for the very mediocre RB output for Drew. Dwayne Bowe and Randy Moss combined for 29 points for Eli, Bowe accounting for 27.50 of them.

MVP: Brady. HEY HAVE YOU GUYS NOTICED HE HAS LONG HAIR THIS YEAR?

Least VP: Kathy Brockdorf. Because I saw her exact look-alike at a gay bar I was at on Friday.

What it means haiku: Very good score Drew. Loses slight edge in tiebreak. Eli glad to lose?

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MOST TOTAL POINTS!!!

Marty Booker (7-3): 168.50
Cover Tooth (4-6): 106.00

What happened: Schillinger had a very good week all around, putting up the highest total in the league so far. Chris and Andre Johnson scored 17.50 each, and that tied them for 5th highest score in the Marty Booker lineup. Roddy White (24.00) and Knowshon Moreno (19.50) had outstanding games for Cover Tooth.

MVP: The Jaguar Hail Mary. With zero seconds on the clock, Schillinger got a double touchdown by way of the 50-yard miracle completion from David Garrard (27.00) to Mike Thomas (18.00).

Least VP: Kevin Burnett, some asshole defender who couldn't even be bothered to play this week. Also probably Kyle Orton and his 34.50 bench points.

What it means haiku: Tough week for Adam. Super high score for Edwin. Sure I'll suck next week.

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NO SUCKAGE THIS WEEK!!!

1-800-222-1222 (3-7): 159.00
Let My Monkeys Go (5-5): 96.50

What happened: Baron got a handful of double digit performances before the Roethlisberger (30.50) to Mike Wallace (22.50) explosion on Sunday Night. That propelled him to the 2nd highest VUFSA tally this season. Jamaal Charles (16.50) and Eli Manning (22.50) led the way for Andy. WAIT HOLY SHIT BARON IS FOURTH IN TOTAL POINTS NOW?

MVP: Jared Allen, who registered his fifth sack of the season and is now on pace for almost ten!

Least VP: Who cares. Whoever had the fewest points. Tony Moeaki and Jordan Shipley can flip a coin, they each had less than two.

What it means haiku: Andy falls to sixth. Baron stuck in the cellar? Not so fast my friend!

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Biggest Busts of 2010

Bad luck? Bad draft? Bad talent evaluation? Whatever the case, the VUFSA always has its share of busts. Here are the worst ones thus far per Yahoo's "expert" rankings.

Reggie Bush (Stanton for Heisman!)
Preseason Ranking: 61
Current Ranking: 2206
Difference: -2145

Shitton!

Pierre Thomas (Suhssical)
Preseason Ranking: 21
Current Ranking: 220
Difference: -199

Oh when the Saints! Suck real bad! Oh when the Saints suck real bad! Oh how I want to re-draft! When the Saints suck real bad!

Beanie Wells (Stranger in the Alps)
Preseason Ranking: 27
Current Ranking: 197
Difference: -170

Tim Hightower just shouldn't be a better option on any team, real life or fantasy.

Jonathan Stewart (Suhssical)
Preseason Ranking: 32
Current Ranking: 201
Difference: -169

Has lost as many fumbles as touchdowns scored.

Steve Smith - Carolina (ChamPeons)
Preseason Ranking: 34
Current Ranking: 194
Difference: -160

Just for fun, let's look at Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen's TD to INT ratio: 6 TD 14 INT. Ick.

Marion Barber (Stranger in the Alps)
Preseason Ranking: 51
Current Ranking: 204
Difference: -153

So they put the offensive "guru" in charge of the Cowboys. Can't be any worse, I suppose.

Pierre Garcon (Let My Monkeys Go)
Preseason Ranking: 65
Current Ranking: 210
Difference: -145

Austin Collie is barely conscious, Dallas Clark and Anthony Gonzalez are lost to injury, and yet Pierre just can't seem to recapture last season's magic with but one 100 yard receiving game this year.

Shonn Greene (Suhssical)
Preseason Ranking: 9
Current Ranking: 146
Difference: -137

One guy who isn't all smiles about LT's comeback this season. Two if you count JR.

DeAngelo Williams (ChamPeons)
Preseason Ranking: 12
Current Ranking: 149
Difference: -137

The third and final member of the Carolina disaster on this list.

Ryan Mathews (Let My Monkeys Go)
Preseason Ranking: 8
Current Ranking: 127
Difference: -119

#1 overall is on his way to joining VUFSA's Nate Burleson in NFL's Ryan Leaf territory.

Felix Jones (Stranger in the Alps)
Preseason Ranking: 48
Current Ranking: 153
Difference: -105

See Marion Barber above.

Week 9 Recap

GIVE ME ALL YOUR STEROIDS

Special thanks to professional writer Eli Gieryna for not only filling in last week, but also for putting the quality writing standard out of my reach.

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GAME OF THE WEEK!!!

Stanzi Loves America (7-2): 131.25
Suhssical (3-6): 114.75

What happened: The best 1-2 punch at RB in the league combined for 47 points, then Aaron Rodgers (33.75) showed up on Sunday night to put the game away. Ahmad Bradshaw (20.00) performed admirably in the loss.

MVP: For shit's and giggles, I'm giving it to "Steve Johnson" ("12.50") again because even though I watched him play this week, I'm still 98% sure he is a figment of Stem's imagination.

Least VP: Jonathan Stewart (0.00) got his shot at a start this week for the Panthers, and the long-time prospect failed to deliver a single point. A lost fumble completely erased an already disappointing performance.

What it means: Stem is unbeatable. Deal with it. JR traded away Tom Brady, and while he's not his normal immortal self this year (Brady, not JR) that might signify a rebuilding Radcliffe.

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SLIGHTLY LESS INTERESTING GAME!!!

Awkward Emoticons ;) (6-3): 118.00
Let My Monkeys Go (5-4): 89.00

What happened: A big thundering for Drew this week, getting over 40 points on Monday Night, including 24.50 from Terrell Owens. New acquisition Tom Brady (20.75) made himself comfortable, scoring 13 more points than previous starter Matt Schaub. Viano got 16.50 from Dallas Clark clone Jacob Tamme, but four offensive starters came in at under three points.

MVP: Owens, who's early score let Drew relax and then his late score that let Drew go to bed at his normal time, 6:30 in the evening, just after a nice dose of the local news. Because Drew's old.

Least VP: This just in to the VUFSA blog news desk: Ryan Mathews is bad. A reminder: the company that employs Brad Evans ranked him as the 8th most valuable commodity in fantasy football before the season.

What it means: Despite the loss, Viano stays in 4th, and holds on to 10th place in total points scored. I'm hearing rumors that he expects to cross the 900 point barrier as early as next week.

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I WAS PAYING ATTENTION A LITTLE BIT, I GUESS!!!

Stanton for Heisman! (4-5): 126.50
1-800-222-1222 (2-7): 113.75

What happened: Something called Javarris James scored two touchdowns for the Colts and Brandon Jackson had a huge game on Sunday Night- it looked like an easy road for Tomke on Monday night. This game turned into a suprisingly interesting contest, with Mike Wallace and Ben Roethlisberger spearheading a small comeback.

MVP: Michael Vick and his 27.25 points. Seven of those points came on rushing yards alone, while Baron managed just 11.25 total from his QB spot.

Least VP: Arian Foster, who was amazing again this week but is watching his excellent season absolutely wasted. Word out of Houston is that he has demanded a trade. To my team.

What it means: Dave has played his way back into playoff contention and now has to face a Rodgers-less Stem squad next week.

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THE TOYOTA ASS-BEATING OF THE WEEK!!!

Marty Booker (6-3): 108.25
Champeons (4-5): 82.00

What happened: Philip Rivers (30.25) had an enormous game for a depleted Schillinger lineup, while Champ could not capitalize on what should have been an enormous RB advantage. Last second substitute James Jones (16.00) turned in the matchup's 2nd highest score.

MVP: Ronnie Brown (16.00) stepped in with both Steven Jackson and Chris Johnson on a bye week and gave a legitimate RB1 performance.

Least VP: TE Brent Celek matched the inactive Antonio Gates' output.

What it means: Gives a little clarity to the postseason. Schill takes a two game lead on 5th place, while Champ falls into four team dogpile at 4-5 despite starting out 4-2 this season.

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A QUARANTINE OF SUCKAGE!!!

Stranger in the Alps (4-5): 104.75
Cover Tooth (4-5): 80.75

What happened: Eli won, despite quitting.

MVP: Peyton (the other one)

Least VP: Beanie

What it means: INTRIGUE!

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Plying a Trade

The Trade. The ever frightening trade.

What was once a blossoming league full of activity, vivaciousness and promiscuity has matured into boring, repetitive, same position rosters. When we constructed this sexy league, we made it full of keepers and draft picks to stimulate interest for future seasons. What we also did was scare the crap out of anyone who considers remaking their line-up for fear of say trading Marshall Faulk for pocket full of beans and setting their franchise back a season.

Ed wanted to write a point/counter-point on how best to generate some league transaction involving other people than imaginary money. I struggle with this because I have no idea how to make it happen and I generally hate other people. Mostly the latter. That said, here's our discussion.

The Cold Call:

Edwin and I both used to sell Cut Co. knives, and we did this cold calling thing all the time.

"Mam, you vaguely know me through some references. Can I come into your home with sharp things and try to coerce money from you?"

Yeah, we vaguely see one another. In fact, we even let a guy who didn't go to Valpo into the league. So what? Make the first contact and nudge your way into a little trade conversation. After that, use a little charm and see where the old lady's sweet spot is.

"Oh, so you like to cut federal currency in half? Perfect. I've got some super shears that can slice a penny in two."

We joke that Champ loves Eddie Kennison, but the good Lord knows if Yahoo still listed him as a player, I'd pick him up, package him together with some other spare parts, and end up with Drew Brees. Every one has a sweet spot.

"Your rottweiler is gnawing on my leg, mam, I'm really going to need to depart now."

If every one in the bottom half of the league properly gave up on their season once playoff-achieving was a distant dream (read Cleveland sports), they would turn around and offer the top half of the league anything for draft picks. Fact of the matter is when our teams fail, we lose interest rather than properly dismantling our clubs. Know when to go out and make a spectacular scene in so doing.

As I depart you for whatever Edwin's crappy argument is, I'm going to go and review the two trades sitting in my queue. Thank you, for the call, sir. You may visit with your weapons, and I shall choose my weapons accordingly.

The Want Ad:

A majority of what I do when looking to complete a trade is done via carefully crafted proposals. That said, if left with the choice, I would much, much prefer a wide open dialogue and interested parties seeking me out.

I still work in direct sales. So very much of what I do is based on internet leads from lead aggregators. If I could bring my business model to VUFSA trading, my fantasy world would be a more peaceful place.

When someone wants a quote on insurance, a bell in my inbox rings, and I call them on the phone.

It's great when you know you're reaching out to a captive audience. This is why I love (trying to) use the trading block. There's no harm in telling others what you need, and it's so much easier when people contact you if they have it. I'm guilty of assuming things about others' rosters only to see that assumption traded for less than I would have given. It's ridiculous. There's no reason not to take your commodity onto the open market before cashing it in.

I've heard arguments against using the trading block for fear that it devalues your player- it makes it seem like you are ready to be rid of them. I disagree. I have confidence in my ability to rate player's value, and I can decide whether or not a player has a place on my roster.

Once on the phone, I ask a lot of open ended questions and try to gather as much information about their decision as possible.

The biggest problem I have with Drew's method of cold trade proposals- most of the time, they get rejected back with no comments or counter. Door closed, nothing gained. I often try to send emails (usually via yahoo, so as not to feel so dorky) asking general questions about specific positions or player's availability, giving the other owner the chance to name their price. (3 of 4 of these emails go unanswered) At worst, I find out someone is unattainable or too costly and I don't waste my time.

I think everyone agrees that the more movement we have in the VUFSA, the better. This concludes a scattershot OMTB of "Blind Trades vs. Not Blind Trades."

Week 8 Recap

Hello? Anyone? ... OK then. To the recap, where I will steal Ed's recapitulation formula because I'm feeling a little sleepy today.

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GAME OF THE WEEK!!!

Let My Monkeys Go: 107.50
Cover Tooth: 98.50

What happened: This game had valuable playoff implications, as the winner of the matchup would move into the fourth and final playoff position, assuming the season ended today, which it unfortunately does not. Anyway, Monkeys came out on top here as Cover Tooth was unable to get past a couple of pretty terrible performances.

MVP: Jamaal Charles is a candidate here for his 177 yards of rushing on, like, one carry, but I'm going to go with Sebastian Janikowski who had 15 points to counter Welty's kicker, Dan Carpenter, and his 17 points. If Viano gets a standard kicker week here, he probably loses. 32 combined points from kickers? That HAS to be a VUFSA record, right? Someone get Elias Sports Bureau on the horn.

Least VP: We'll have to go with Carolina's David Gettis here, who followed up an 8-catch, 126-yard, 2-touchdown performance by not catching a single pass AND running backwards just far enough that he ended up in the red for the week. In addition, he pooped in the team water jug and gave Knowshon Moreno E. coli poisoning.

Brett Favre says: "Mmmrrfff mwwaahh my jawwww"

What it means: Big things for Andy, as he's won three weeks in a row to move into playoff position where he controls his own destiny despite scoring the fewest points in the league this year what the fuck.

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SLIGHTLY LESS INTERESTING GAME!!!

Stanzi Loves America: 114.00
ChamPeons: 98.00

What happened: Stanzi wins again to pull a game ahead of everyone else in first place. The loss pushed ChamPeons into 6th place on the season at 4-4. Stanzi was led by Calvin Johnson's three touchdowns, plus a nice day from Adrian Peterson. ChamPeons got a surprise 22 points from plowshare-battering-ram-plowshare Legedugarrett Blountnaanee or someone, but it wasn't enough.

MVP: Calvin Johnson, as previously stated. Supporting MVP goes to Steve Johnson, who keeps putting up good numbers in Buffalo despite no one actually knowing who he is, where he came from, or when (if?!) he was actually born.

Least VP: Marshawn Lynch, who rumbled his way to 7 yards on 9 carries.

Brett Favre says: "I had just gotten out of the pool, OK, so it was .... look, it-it's not like that all the time."

What it means: It means that Stem is in outstanding position for the No. 1 seed, with a one-win advantage over everyone else and a healthy points lead as well. Champ will be forced to climb over several teams in the coming weeks to get back into the playoff hunt. Giggity.

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I WAS PAYING ATTENTION A LITTLE BIT, I GUESS!!!

Stanton for Heisman: 115.50
Awkward Emoticons: 97.50

What happened: Dave, in desperation, was forced to start Matt Stafford at quarterback and he predictably -- wait, what? Matt Stafford had 33.50 points? Meanwhile, Drew got zero points from a starting running back and another stinker of a performance from Matt Schaub. All of that added up to a win for Dave. Bitches. Random note: Dave's bench scored exactly zero points this week, so kudos on excellent lineup construction.

MVP: Fat Jowls Matt Stafford, bitches. Sometimes just heaving the ball in Calvin Johnson's general direction is all that's needed to have a huge fantasy day.

Least VP: Chris Ivory, bitches, who had a tough matchup against the Steelers and came up with only a handful of yards before leaving the game with a concussion. When is there going to be an extended national conversation about all of these hard hits in the NFL and the damage they're causing?

Brett Favre says: "Wait, so this week my No. 1 receiver is Bernard Berrian?Aww man , I think my ankle hurts again."

What it means: Drew remains in second place, but is tied with two other teams at 5-3. He has a nice points lead, bitches, but he'll need to get more consistent production across the board if he wants to hang on to that playoff spot. Dave has a sliver of a chance at the postseason after this win and given how he finished last year, he'll certainly take his shot at getting there.

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THE TOYOTA ASS-BEATING OF THE WEEK!!!

Marty Booker: 127.75
Stranger in the Alps: 74.75

What happened: Ed scored the highest point total of the week; Eli scored the lowest point total of the week. Even still, Eli was only the addition of one extra roster spot filled by a mythical player who scores 53.50 points away from winning this matchup. No one performed spectacularly for Ed, but he got lots of good, double-digit weeks that added up. On the flip side, no one even performed remotely competently for Eli except for Peyton Manning, who is continuing yet another boringly-excellent year.

MVP: I'm going to go with Mike Thomas, because he has been a pleasant surprise this season and because his bemused headshot gives the appearance that the photographer farted just before snapping the photo.











Least VP: Brad Childress, for trading for Randy Moss, then not being smart enough to figure out how to use him, then cutting him, then getting fired, which hasn't happened yet, but it's going to.

Brett Favre says: "I want jeans that are tough. I'm comfortable in jeans that last. I'm comfortable in Wrangler. Real comfortable. Will your cell phone accept picture messages? Of my wang?"

What it means: The win keeps Ed right in the playoff race heading into next week's matchup against ChamPeons, where he'll have to deal with bye-weeks from Chris Johnson and Steven Jackson. And it means Eli is still looking for draft picks.

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A QUARANTINE OF SUCKAGE!!!
(I'm starting a new feature where the two teams that are relegated to the Quarantine of Suckage™ matchup only receive 10 total words in their writeup as punishment, similar to how the worst English Premier League soccer teams are dropped down to the second division after each season.)

1-800-222-1222: 94.50
Suhssical: 92.75

What happened: Baron won; bye week kicker.

MVP: Foster.

Least VP: JR Radcliffe.

Brett Favre says: Interception!

What it means: Nothing.