Power Ranklings

By Eli
Bitter Fantasy Football Loser

1. Madd Skillz: Honest to God, this is the best fantasy football team anywhere in America. I have a hard time believing that any other team, in any other league, is this good. And what's most impressive about this is, looking back, Ed Schillinger had a pretty terrible draft. His first six picks were: the fifth-best tight end in the league, Kevan Barlow, an injured Matt Hasselback, TJ Duckett, Drew Bledsoe and Brandon Lloyd. He had some nice picks with Brandon Jacobs and Philip Rivers, but I think it just goes to show how dominating his group of keepers is. What a bitch.

2. ChamPeons: That's right. Champ is the No. 2. Joseph Addai and Laurence Maroney are tearing it up -- and Champ may now possess the strongest group of WRs in the league. And best of all for Champ, none of his key players are going to take a seat during the playoffs. That quarterback situation is a little disconcerting, as is Iowa's lackluster 2-3 start in basketball.

3. Naj Davenport's Poop: Andy Viano's team is very banged up, now only has one starting running back, and is a few weeks away from its annual ritual of watching Peyton Manning sit down and not give them any fantasy points during the most important time of the year. They drop.

4. The Nihilist Marmot: I'm still at a loss as to how this team name isn't just redundant. Do most marmots have beliefs and ideologies? Would a nihilist marmot actually be some sort of anomaly? I didn't realize that they were generally a bunch of self-aware motherfucking mammals. Anyway, this team is pretty good, despite its stinker of a week. Madd Skillz has to be a little nervous about a Week 14 matchup in which both Indy receivers get to tee off against the Cincy secondary. That is, if they're still on the field.

5. Tice's Partyboat: Still in it, because the players on his team love to score touchdowns. Not bad for a guy who gave up eight weeks ago.

6. Fresh Legs: Yes, you are allowed to be bitter, Baron. Your team should be on the fringe of the playoffs, but instead is out of the race. The good news is that you can look forward to next year, when Carson Palmer will be fully healthy and should throw for 5,000 yards. The bad news is that you probably won't be able to have lunch with him.

7. Who is Ron Mexico?: If the VUFSA gave out a Most Improved Player award, we'd probably give it to someone else besides Tomke. Just because.

8. The Slumpbusters: AR-LEN HAR-RIS! clap clap clapclapclap.

9. Father Abraham: He owns Chris Bosh, and that's something of which we are very envious.

10. Cellar Dwellers: Last league activity: Mon Nov 20 9:46am CST

Random Observations From The Wolfman

I don't have the energy for a thought out, well organized post, but since this blog could use some energy, I figured some random thoughts might create some discussion and Tomke making fun.

-Not that it's any consolation, but I think Lincoln has the best last place team we've ever had in the VUFSA. 7 of his 9 losses have come by less than 11 points and he's up over 100 points this week.

-There was an agreed upon, completed, and unprecedented three way deal that was completed two week ago that would have sent Donovan McNabb to ChamPeons, Cadillac, Jones-Drew, and Vick to Lincoln and Joseph Addai to Tice's Partyboat. How happy is Champ that McNabb tore off his leg one day prior to the trade being formally accepted by Yahoo? And susbequently how bummed are Lincoln and I that we were unable to move the players involved before said injury?

-How the mighty have fallen. Randy Moss put on waivers.

-Just to piss off half the posters here: how about that team of destiny?

-"Throw in" guys Kellen Winslow and Lance Briggs sure have paid dividens in the Brees for Jacobs deal.

-Speaking of Brees, I read somewhere that I now cannot find or therefore verify, that in his last five games, he has more passing yards than anyone else in any five game span in history. As if Ed's Empire needs more help.

-And he got it on a double touchdown when Mr. Touchdown Ladanian Tomlinson decided to abuse the Raiders in completing a pass to Antonio Gates.

-I hold no ill will toward Edwin's Empire, though, because his team operation calls me at work with updates. Even when my pharmacy is closed because there aren't enough pharmacists resulting in a fun game of "verbally abuse the guy in the sexy grey smock who is the highest ranking guy here".

-Tony Romo is going to be kept over Eli Manning. NO ONE saw that coming a month ago.

-My last three opponents not named Ed will score less than 80 points. Yet, if I win out (Lincoln and Tomke), my only losses this season come against playoff teams. Awesome scheduling meant I got three of the four bound for the playoffs twice.

-Chad Johnson's first 9 games? 482 yards and 3 TDs. Chad Johnson's last 3 games? 573 yards and 5 TDs.

-Kevin Jones is silly.

-To make the playoffs, Champ needs to win against either Stem or Ed. JR needs to win against Viano or Lincoln. Or either team needs me to lose one of my last two. I need to win my last two and have either JR or Champ lose their last two. Not exactly the cluster and countless scenarios we had this time last year. In fact, everything could be all wrapped up before the last week of the season.

-Todd Heap outscored Peyton Manning.

-Who would you start? Corey Dillon or Laurence Maroney?

-Tomke is going to have 4 players score 2 points or less, and yet, thanks to Romo, will have over 100 points.

-For those of you unaware, we have a basketball league and Champ wants to know where Michael Jordan is.

-So Hines Ward left in the third quarter of Pittsburgh's game and Ronnie Brown broke his hand on Thanksgiving. That means the second best team in the league will potentially have to rely on Drew Bennett and Sammy Morris to win it all. Ew. (This on the heels of the infallible Peyton Manning throwing as many picks as touchdowns the last two weeks.)

-Welcome to the ARC, Marquette! Enjoy Urule's hair and don't embarass us.

-Lastly, and the point I found most interesting, the Arizona Cardinals attempted 6 rushes the entire game against the Vikings. One of them was a Matt Leinart run for 0 yards, which I have to believe was a scramble and not a designed play. Did Dennis Green think he still had Daunte and Moss in the Metrodome or has he really lost that much faith in Edgerrin James?

About that Ronnie Brown Pants Crapping...

Morris overturned Ronnie Brown's fumble from last week. Viano wins and moves to 8-3. Drew drops to 5-6, suffering from the same type of loss he once beamed about earlier this year.

Wow. Two in one year.

BCS Fantasy Teams

When I get bored at work, I need something to occupy my mind. Lately, I've been wondering which collegiate conference produces the best Fantasy Football players. I've ranked the 6 BCS conferences, then threw in the Non-Major conferences and a singular college, to even things up, then ranked them 1-8. The list is taken from where the players school is now, not the conference they played in; hence the shittiness of the Big East. Don't judge me.

8. Non-BCS Schools

Every Non-BCS conference school as well as lower divisions are counted here. Despite evidence to the contrary, I do have a life and don't have time to get rosters for the MAC and Conference USA. They're ranked 8th, despite being the best team because it's not really fair to grab from such a wide group. Probably would be deepest at QB if I bothered to look past Romo- I didn't because I knew the first comment up would be "where's romo, fucker?" from Dave. Best WRs and best RBs are here.

QB- Tony Romo (Eastern Illinois)
RB- LaDanian Tomlinson (TCU)
RB- Brian Westbrook (Villanova)
RB- Chester Taylor (Toledo)
WR- Marques Colston (Hofstra)
WR- Terrell Owens (UT-Chattanooga)
WR- Steve Smith (Utah)
TE- Antonio Gates (Kent St.)
Flex- Julius Jones (Notre Dame)
K- Jeff Wilkins (Youngstown State)
D- Jason Taylor (Akron)
D- London Fletcher (John Carroll)
D- Brian Urlacher (New Mexico)

Notable Bench Players: Brandon Jacobs (Southern Illinois), Donald Driver (Alcorn St), Joe Horn (Itawamba JC)

7. Big East

Strong at QB but woefully short at RB. Can't even fill out the roster. The receivers in this lineup are actually very good, but really Kevan Barlow is the only RB from a school in this conference. Steve Slaton and Ray Rice can't graduate soon enough.

QB- Donovan McNabb (Syracuse)
RB- Kevan Barlow (Pittsburgh)
RB- None
RB- None
WR- Larry Fitzgerald (Pittsburgh)
WR- Marvin Harrison (Syracuse)
WR- Deion Branch (Louisville)
TE- LJ Smith (Rutgers)
Flex- Chris Henry (West Virginia)
K- David Akers (Louisville)
D- Kerry Rhodes (Louisville)
D- Keith Bulluck (Syracuse)
D- Gerald Hayes (Pittsburgh)

Bench: Marc Bulger (West Virginia), Antonio Bryant (Pittsburgh)

6. Big XII

Honestly, I had no idea the Big 12 would be this bad. Only Roy Williams is considered a Stud in the VUFSA. The Big 12 really produces really shitty offensive players, although Ahman Green was an elite player way back when. Can't even find a WR3 or a Flex back and Bo Scaife is their TE. A league that has clearly built it's reputation on defense.

QB- Vince Young (Texas)
RB- Ahman Green (Nebraska)
RB- Tatum Bell (Oklahoma St.)
RB- Cedric Benson (Texas)
WR- Roy Williams (Texas)
WR- Mark Clayton (Oklahoma)
WR- None
TE- Bo Scaife (Texas)
Flex- None
K- Phil Dawson (Texas)
D- Tommie Harris (Oklahoma)
D- Justin Smith (Missouri)
D- Zach Thomas (Texas Tech)

Bench: Chris Simms (Texas), Corell Buckhalter (Nebraska)

5. Big 10

Was very close to cracking the top half, but a lost a toss-up with a similarly disappointing Pac-10. The QBs (Brees and Brady) are interchangeable and Larry Johnson is a man, but this year, former teammates Maroney and Barber are hit or miss. For a league that claims to be all about black and blue, has some pretty good pass-catchers. Best bench in the rankings. Big 10 has the best kickers as well, and that's not even really close.

QB- Tom Brady (Michigan)
RB- Larry Johnson (Penn State)
RB- Marion Barber (Minnesota)
RB- Laurence Maroney (Minnesota)
WR- Plaxico Burress (Michigan State)
WR- Lee Evans (Shithole University)
WR- Joey Galloway (Ohio State)
TE- Dallas Clark (Iowa)
Flex- LaDell Betts (Iowa)
K- Robbie Gould (Penn State)
D- Aaron Kampman (Iowa)
D- Julian Peterson (Michigan State)
D- AJ Hawk (Ohio State)

Bench: Drew Brees (Purdue), Anthony Thomas (Michigan), Terry Glenn (Ohio State), Muhsin Muhammed (Michigan St.), Chris Chambers (Shithole), Owen Daniels (Shithole), Nate Kaeding (Iowa)

4. Pac-10

I was astounded at the relative weakness of the Pac-10 skill position players. I was expecting this to be by far the best offense, and I was by far wrong. USC did most of the damage, expectedly, but Oregon State may have the three best players on the roster.

QB- Carson Palmer (USC)
RB- Steven Jackson (Oregon State)
RB- Maurice Jones-Drew (UCLA)
RB- Corey Dillon (Washington)
WR- Chad Johnson (Oregon State)
WR- TJ Houshmandzedah (Oregon State)
WR- Keyshawn Johnson (USC)
TE- Todd Heap (Arizona St)
Flex- Reggie Bush (USC)
K- Ryan Longwell (California)
D- Donnie Edwards (UCLA)
D- Lofa Tatupu (USC)
D- Troy Polamalu (USC)

Bench: Matt Leinart (USC), DeShaun Foster (UCLA), Mike Bell (Arizona), Reggie Williams (Washington), Tony Gonzalez (Cal)

3. University of Miami

There's a sizeable gap between spots 3 and the rest of the group. That's saying something because #3 is a single school. When doing the original rosters, the Big East was so far and away the best, I had to level the playing field. I had them at #1 once I made Miami it's own conference, but no QB or kicker drops them. Plus, I hate Michael Irvin. If they had stayed in the Big East, the Big East would probably be #1.

QB- The still alive Vinny Testaverde
RB- Frank Gore
RB- Clinton Portis
RB- Edgerrin James
WR- Andre Johnson
WR- Reggie Wayne
WR- Santana Moss
TE- Kellen Winslow II
Flex- Willis McGahee
K- None
D- Ray Lewis
D- Ed Reed
D- Johnathan Vilma

Bench: Jeremy Shockey

2. SEC

The SEC is very close to #1, thanks to the best RB depth in the rankings. I was expecting this to be the #2 conference (behind the Pac-10) and was sort of right. Manning jumps to mind first, of course, then the Auburn backs keep your attention. I didn't realize Georgia had been such fertile ground for skilled offensive players in recent years. Tough call.

QB- Peyton Mannning (Tennesee)
RB- Rudi Johnson (Auburn)
RB- Ronnie Brown (Auburn)
RB- Fred Taylor (Florida)
WR- Darrell Jackson (Florida)
WR- Hines Ward (Georgia)
WR- Reggie Brown (Georgia)
TE- Ben Watson (Georgia)
Flex- Deuce McAllister (Mississippi)
K- John Kasay (Georgia)
D- Leonard Little (Tennessee)
D- Will Witherspoon (Georgia)
D- Alex Brown (Florida)

Bench: Rex Grossman (Florida), Carnell Williams (Auburn), Travis Henry (Tennessee), Joseph Addai (LSU), Jamal Lewis (Tennessee), Donte Stallworth (Tennessee), Jason Witten (Tennessee), Randy McMichael (Georgia)

1. ACC

A bit of a suprise, until you look at the roster. There is some talent on the bench for the ACC as well. Best WRs other than the "Independent" team and the most consistent RB corps as well. Philip Rivers' ascension to elite QB seals the deal for team ACC.

QB- Philip Rivers (NC State)
RB- Willie Parker (North Carolina)
RB- Tiki Barber (Virginia)
RB- Kevin Jones (Virginia Tech)
WR- Javon Walker (Florida State)
WR- Anquan Boldin (Florida State)
WR- Torry Holt (NC State)
TE- Alge Crumpler (North Carolina)
Flex- Thomas Jones (Virginia)
K- Shayne Graham (Virginia Tech)
D- Julius Peppers (North Carolina)
D- Ronde Barber (Virginia)
D- Adrian Wilson (NC State)

Bench: Michael Vick (Virginia Tech), Matt Hasselbeck (Boston College), Warrick Dunn (Florida State), LaMont Jordan (Maryland), Heath Miller (Virginia)

Power Rankings, from the Players

By Chad Johnson


1. Madd Skillz.I am Ocho Cinco. Ocho plus Cinco equals Thirteenco. And I am the best player on this damn team. Except for about five other dudes. If this fucker doesn't keep me, I'm going to burn him. Check out my new dance. (Radcliffe shimmy ensues). Yeah, that shit was tight.


By Ronnie Brown


2. Naj Davenport's Poop. Look, all I know is the ball got fucking slippery on my way to the end zone. I'm sorry, okay? But if fucking ESPN is going to talk about Michigan and Ohio State without so much as MENTIONING the Iron Bowl, then I'm going to start protesting in my own subtle way. At least I haven't been protesting all season, like Cadillac Williams has.


By Marc Bulger


3. The Nihilist Marmot. Man oh man, nothing against my boy Torry Holt, but I'm going to like these new receivers I get to work with the rest of the year. I just hope that bastard Tony Dungy doesn't take two of them away from me. Tough break against that Steinbrenner guy last week, but the playoffs await, folks.


By Lee Evans


4. ChampPeons. Whup, just caught another ball for 50 yards and a touchdown. Also, did anyone notice how solid we've been all year? We may not have all studs, like me, but we can hang with the big boys, kids. Also, On Wisconsin.


By Brandon Fucking Jacobs


5. Tice's Partyboat. I will kill you for looking at me. I will kill you for thinking about the Jackonville Jaguars. I will kill you because I am not featured prominently enough in the VUFSA banner. I will kill you, just because.


By Antonio Bryant


6. The Slumpbusters. Sometimes you just have to undwind, and the best way to do that is with a couple cans of your favorite brew and a nice 100-mph stroll down the boulevard. After a bad, bad week in which everyone on Eli Gieryna's team was loaded, a couple shots of Jager, a box of wine and some Shasta later, the Slumpusters have two fewer players and a whole notta lotta chance to barely miss the playoffs this year. I'd feel bad for him. But I'm under arrest.


By Thomas Jones


7. Fresh Legs. There are certain things you don't hear anymore. One is that Cedric Benson is knocking on my fucking door. One is that the Bears are anything less than the only good team in the NFC. And one is that hippy Mexico chirping about teams he may or may not beat during the course of the season. His checklist has gone mostly unfulfilled, you might notice.


By Tony Romo


8. Who is Ron Mexico?You all doubted me, even though I am a Wisconsin native. You doubted me, even though my sheer awesomeness has penetrated (hehe, pentrated) the fabric of space and time. You doubted me even though I won the WALTER PAYTON AWARD for best player in the COUNTRY. In division 1-AA. Now I'm a surefire keeper, similar to Brandon Lloyd last year.


By Kevin Jones


9. Cellar Dwellars How much you all wanna bet that I'll be in the lineup next week, even though I've already been ruled out for Thursday?



By Donovan McNabb


10. Father Abraham. Dude, I'm really, really sorry, but how am I supposed to fit in on this team if I'm not hurt? They all call me a Mama's Boy as it is. Now at least we have something in common. You're probably still better than Stem's team, but you just got eliminated from the playoffs.

NOT THE OPEN THREAD

Not the open thread, because you will judge me. This video is not funny, I just wanted to share.

It took place at Camp Randall Stadium in Madison two days ago, the WIAA Division 2 state title game between two teams in our coverage area. You know I was there, blogging about the whole damn thing.

It included the most amazing play I've seen in high school, a game-tying two-point conversion late in the fourth quarter, capping a two-touchdown comeback en route to an overtime loss. The craziness is documented in the first few moments here, though it happens briefly.

Eat it.

Sort of Week 11 Preview

Game of the Week

ChamPeons vs. The Slumpbusters (pk)

Series tied at 2-2

Big Story: Both teams sit at 5-5, tied with Tice's Partyboat. Despite the impressive late season run by TPB, the two teams in this game have the most talent of all the teams still chasing the #4 seed. After this week, we'll have 3 games left, meaning the winner of this one has one game in hand over what should be it's closest competitor. The strength of schedule for both clubs is extremely similar, adding even more importance to this one.

Key Players: Laurence Maroney and Wali Lundy. Maroney again gets a starting nod despite being invisible since Week 4. Corey Dillon has proven himself to be the more reliable option, but sits and watches against Green Bay. Lundy's perormance this week not only goes a long way towards deciding a winner, but should give SLM an idea of what kind of performance to expect down the stretch run. With his RB corps at it's all-time thinnest, Lundy's future lets us know if Eli needs to get a Tracy McGrady-like talent for the stretch run.

On Deck

Tice's Partyboat vs. Naj Davenport's Poop (-19.5)

Viano leads the All-Time series 4-2

Big Story: While NDP has been quietly dominating in their own right, TPB has been pretty boistrous in their late season run. Before running into FA and WIRM the last two weeks of the season, TPB will go through the three best teams in the league leading up to it. With his two biggest antagonists facing off this week, one is guaranteed a win (and also one a loss). TPB must keep pace and must do it by winning games on this brutal schedule.

Key Players: LaDell Betts and Chris Henry. Betts' pickup has turned into quite the coup for the Fornicators. He played extremely well in early season relief of Portis, and will now be handed the reigns full-time. It doesn't help that Betts has a "rookie" QB starting with him this week, and his performance may suffer as a result. Henry's emergence has seemingly halted Viano's roulette game at Flex. Rather than gamble on part-time back, Greg Jennings slides to Flex because Henry can capably fill the WR3 spot. If Henry goes back to jail, or keeps pussing out on balls over the middle however, it could be back the unknown regions of Benson/Norwood/Bell.

The 3 Spot

Madd Skillz vs. The Nihilist Marmot (+16)

Schillinger leads the series 5-1

Big Story: Both teams should feel mostly comfortable about their playoff chances. A win only solidifies each team further, and a loss makes for only modest discomort, for the time being. TNM has a chance to put a dent in the dominance that SKL has had for the last five weeks. If TNM can pull an upset, it sends a message to the league that it can be done.

Key Players: Antonio Gates and Anthony Thomas. LaDanian Tomlinson has been on one of the greatest runs in fantasy football history- but has had limited success against a sensational Bronco defense. Should Tomlinson finally slow, it will be up to Gates to pick up the slack on the NFL's #1 offense, and a big day from him could soothe the pain of a subpar LDT performance. Thomas will be the man in Buffalo for the stretch run, and has a juicy matchup against Houston. Dick Jauron has shown through his career that he will run the ball as much as possible, and has reinforced that belief by giving Thomas 48 carries the last two weeks. If he can grind out yards and score an occasional TD, TNM has one of the best flex backs in the league.

Batting Cleanup

Who is Ron Mexico vs. Fresh Legs (-7.5)

Baron is 2-1 against his expansion rival

Big Story: There was a time where FL was the league's top scoring team, but injuries and Thursday Thunders have taken the team back a bit. But despite all the pessimism, if things go the way of Baron, he could be sitting one game out of a playoff spot, and may even have a tiebreaker edge on the team he's chasing. FL gets a shot at both CHM and SLM in the coming weeks; if they win this game and those two, we have ourselves a new #4 seed. Baron's season is still far from over. On the other hand, Tomke would love nothing more than to squash Baron's hope with their 3rd straight win, and continue to build on the belief that this is a playoff contender next season. I love you, Dave.

Key Players: Reggie Bush and Brian Westbrook. Bush had an all-around excellent game last weekend, including a rushing touchdown. Even though it wasn't a handoff up the middle, it's a start for Shit-Ton. His free pass is just about over in the VUFSA. The #1 overall pick this year has got to start proving that he can be a RB1 for a team like Dave's- hell-bent on domination next season. Westbrook has the Tennesee Titans this week, and was great on the ground during the Eagles' last game. Westbrook has to have a monster day for FL, and has to continue to do so during the entire stretch run.

The 5 Hole

Father Abraham vs. Cellar Dwellers (does it matter?)

Stem is 4-1 vs Lincoln All-Time.

Big Story: Yahoo has these teams projected to post scores #4 and #5 this week. That's more than NDP, SLM, CHM, TPB and WIRM. Despite crippling injuries, the squads have made a grand total of 30 moves (fewer than 4 individual teams, and two teams have 29 moves) and one trade combined, the trade netting Brandon Lloyd and Samkon Gado.

Key Players: Donovan McNabb and Shaun Alexander. McNabb has the best matchup in the world for a QB, and needs to get back to his dominating ways. Alexander comes back off of his injury not a moment too soon, could have a nice welcoming party in the SF defense.

Football at the Manor

By Harvey McGuffin
I remember when ...
When I was a young whippersnapper in Wilkes-Barre, PA, we didn't have no nutty buddies. Hell, we didn't even have those ball-blocker thingies at all. We took our shots to the groin like men. If someone hit a one-hopper up the middle, with a mighty unfortunate upswing off a pebble or some damn thing, that was your problem. Hell, sometimes it ain't so bad that you can't get a girl pregnant anymore. Not that it would have stopped me.

But enough about my balls. Let's talk about yours.

1. Madd Skillz. I remember when Ed Schillinger's team scored fewer than 146 points. It was six goddamned weeks ago, and that was only because his entire harem was taking a nap. There was a time when Video Game Schillinger boasted about how proud he was of his triumphs, his statistics and his extremely large cock, and two out of three in reality ain't bad. That's what Meat Loaf said. With Jim Steinam on the damn piano. Nobody respects Jim Steinam. It's a damn mockery.

2. Naj Davenport's Poop. Consistency killed the cat is what they say, and Andy Viano probably has a slain Cheshire, knife still sticking through its pretty little skull, sitting on his front porch. I put it there, assholes. He is pretty damn consistent though, given that he's scored between 112-126 seven of the 12 weeks, with two outliers on the bad side and one on the good. That's hippie math, but it means the bastard is good. And getting closer and closer to a lock for No. 2 seed, with a damn important meeting against The Nihilist Marmot in three weeks.

3. The Nihilist Marmot. There was a time when people didn't worry about playing Andrew Stem's Cellar Dwellars...bastard hasn't even gotten to 100 the last six weeks and hit only 90 in two of them. But there was the little Michigan squirt, with his Julius Peppers Monday night bullshit, trying to make it happen. Good thing for the Marmot it wasn't quite enough. The Marmot sucks. He reminds me of my wife. Just when you think she's finally going to keel over and die, she comes back with a vengeance and starts yapping about the thermostat. Bitch. I really have to buy more arsenic.

4. The Slumpbusters. This is getting redundant and I haven't even had my milkshake yet. Same song and dance, Skillz, Poop, Marmot, Slumpbusters...only this time, Eli Gieryna gets one of those down-bullet things that go next to that hippy hop shit when it's not hip with the damn kids anymore. The blonde bombshell (I swear to God, if you repeat that to anyone, I'll cut you in the nutter buster) is still 100-some points better than either of the other 5-5 teams, but he better stop giving the business about Tony Romo. The Curse of Tony Romo can be a pain in the ass. It's like the Curse of the Hemorrhoids, only without the burn. Or is it? Clinton Portis?

You know what? Everyone else sucks. I remember when there was no such thing as power rankings, there were just teams who tolerated the shit of other teams and the teams that didn't. Do you think Ditka gave a flying rat's ass where his team stood on the power rankings? The version of Ditka before becoming a pot smoker's wife?

5. Who Is Ron Mexico? Let's get saucy for a minute and shake things up by pointing out that the long-hairy one has won three of four and has a bullshit cheater on his team. I like that. Shows balls. He's on the up and up.

6. Tice's Partyboat. Even with the loss this week, Tice's Fleet of Fornicators has also won three of four and just found Ladell Betts to be quite the little steal. I remember when Clinton Portis was the talk of the damn league. Now, Ladell Betts is the new Larry Johnson.

7. ChamPeons. I remember when Eddie Kennison was good. I was eight. The fact that Champ still threatens to trot him out there tells me he's not going anywhere. Two losses in a row ain't so sweet.

8. Fresh Legs. I'm such an ass. Points wise, this guy is the fifth best team in the league, and here I have in fifth. Sue my black ass. Plus, he got a win this week, reaching 100 points for the fourth time in five weeks, but it was a barely-escape against Father Abraham. Mainly, I just hate fat people.

9. Father Abraham. My my, that spunky Rachel Ray has a nice set of boobs, doesn't she? I don't normally watch this cooking shit, but she can light this man's front burner anytime she wants. And bring to a boil. I crack myself up with these cooking metaphors. Father Abraham has lost five in a row.

10. Cellar Dwellars. Even worse than the Curse of Tony Romo is the Curse of Madden. It should expire soon, but too damn late. See you in hell.

Nutty Buddy

It's too early for an open thread, but I just couldn't wait for Sunday. This is an advertisement for a product called The Nutty Buddy.



Nutty Buddy Website

Chris Sabo gives a thumbs up!

Week 10 Recap

Naj Davenport's Poop: 126.25
ChamPeons: 110.00

Game Summary: The late-game rumbling of Willie Parker put the game out of reach for CHM, allowing NDP to snap a 4 game losing streak against Champ, in the a rare blowout between these two franchises.

Naj Davenport's Poop (7-3): Willie Parker's 34 points were the reason for the comfy win, but Marion Barber tripling Julius Jones' output was huge for NDP as well. Mike Bell not only didn't play, but he wasn't even active, the most puzzling thing about Week 10. Kudos to Viano to notching a 16 point win against a contender with a blank RB spot.

ChamPeons (5-5): Frank Gore, Joseph Addai and Terrell Owens all had big games for CHM, but outside of them, none of the other WR/RB/TE cracked four points. The loss to WIRM last week looks especially tough now as they again fail to gain ground on the teams chasing them for the playoff spot. Tremendous game against SLM next week, season potentially on the line.

================

Madd Skillz: 178.25
Tice's Partyboat: 83.25

Game Summary: SKL got 7 touchdowns from the Bengals-Chargers bonanza and then the league almost fell apart.

Madd Skillz (9-1): Sets a personal high score with the #2 total of all time and the #2 margin of victory of all time. Steve Smith's big Monday pushes them to the lofty total. Watching DBs try to cover Steve Smith is like watching Seth Colclasure trying to guard Allen Iverson.

Tice's Partyboat (5-5): Has lost 6 straight to SKL, in which Ed has averaged 154 points in those 6 games. Got a huge game from Donald Driver and two touchdowns from BRANDON JACOBS, plus double digits from Maurice Jones-Drew. It wasn't enough to overcome a poor performance by Michael Vick, leading Drew to the #9 score of the week.

================

Who Is Ron Mexico: 121.50
The Slumpbusters: 74.25

Game Summary: Kevan Barlow scored as many points as Torry Holt, Clinton Portis, Jeremy Shockey and Tatum Bell combined.

Who Is Ron Mexico (3-7): This is the second straight week that Tomke has set a career high point total. Seven players hit double figures, including 23 points from the great Tony Romo. Maurice Morris and Reggie Bush have solid games, while Bullshit Cheater Marques Colston went crazy again.

The Slumpbusters (5-5): The second worst score in Eli's career came with help from Clinton Portis' broken hand and the Rams passing touchdown. Fortunately, the two other 5-4 teams also lost, so they are still technically in the #4 spot, with a major tiebreaker edge. Has a big game against CHM next week with the chance to put some distance between himself and the crowd.

================

Fresh Legs: 109.50
Father Abraham: 100.00

Game Summary: Carson Palmer went crazy and Donovan McNabb did not, resulting in the 9.50 point difference.

Fresh Legs (4-6): Deuce McAllister, Thomas Jones and Brian Westbrook all had very good games, combining with Carson Palmer for 71% of the FL point total this week. Despite the negative outlook, is only one game behind in the playoff race, and would have a tiebreaker edge over two of the 5 win teams. If all three of those team slip at some point, FL is right back in it.

Father Abraham (2-8): Jerricho Cotchery was good, Jamal Lewis was terrible, Fred Taylor was decent. Same story every week, although crossed 100 points for the 4th time this year. Has lost 5 straight.

================

The Nihilist Marmot: 110.00
Cellar Dwellers: 98.25

Game Summary: Brett Farve's 24 points made him the right call for TNM, while Stem put up a suprisingly good week.

The Nihilist Marmot (7-3): Darrell Jackson had the best week of all the TNM WRs, after the Colts had a miserable week. Tiki Barber continues to rack up double digit totals despite a fear of the end zone and Anthony Thomas was a good flex back. The Red-Hot Tony Gonzalez will miss the next few games, a big blow to the lineup, but TNM has a 2 game lead on the rest of the pack for a playoff spot.

Cellar Dwellers (3-7): Julius Peppers did everything he could to create an improbable Thundering, but his 14 points fell short. Donte Stallworth's return was a big boost to the CD lineup, as his WRs had a very good game. Kevin Jones cooled off, but LaMont Jordan showed up, so it all balances out.

Deadline Deals

Edwin, when taking a few moments from pummeling me (49-41, really?) and bringing up ValpoRick in this sacred space, inadvertently gave me a decent idea for a VUFSA blog article. He likes to litter his previews with "trades Ed would make." Now, we can't all be making these trades because we'd grow too confused with all of these "I'll flip your 4th rounder for my 3rd rounder" types, but it does bring up a good point. Every team always needs improving and what might be some good ideas out there? I will take full credit for all of the following deals taking place in the next week once I point out how obvious they are.

Deal #1:
Cellar Dwellers get:
Reggie Wayne
DeShaun Foster

The Nihilist Marmot gets:
Shaun Alexander

Analysis: Stem needs to get that old man suffering from stroke out of the chair (best line of the year) and make something happen. The season is lost for Stembo so moving a name who might help a contender for a couple of pieces next season makes perfect sense. JR continues to hoard the Colts' wide receiving corp, which is feast or famine. This week, for example, only 6 catches were made between Wayne and Harrison and diversifying his portfolio will only help his 401k. Alexander, if healthy and it's certainly a gamble, could have the big point weeks down the stretch that make The Nihilist Marmot a half threat to Edwin's Empire. Even if Alexander is not healthy for a bit, JR still has 4 running backs to start and a downgrade of Reggie Wayne for ageless Issac Bruce is tolerable.

Deal #2:
The Slumpbusters get:
Cedric Benson
Chris Henry

Naj Davenport's Poop gets:
Torry Holt

Analysis: Eli is in dangerous territory at the moment and this deal allows him to tread water for another week. The Gun needs to decide if he's going to realign the roster for a push at the 4th playoff spot or if he's going to turn the team to 2007. The deal helps him do both. Viano's team looks pretty solid right now, with the biggest glaring issue to me being his WR-3 is a real life WR-3. Chris Henry when not doing drugs, vomiting in cars driven by drunken teammates, or killing puppies is a good receiver. But he's not Torry Holt good, who would round out the roster. On the other side, Eli gets a replacement for Clinton Portis and a piece to the future as I have to believe the Bears give their first round pick the bulk of the carries before too much longer. The loss is not major for Viano as Benson wasn't even in the starting line-up this week, and giving up your fifth best running back for a Torry Holt is a worthwhile upgrade (totally ignoring the inexplicable deactivation of Mike Bell this week).

Deal #3:
The ChamPeons get:
Eli Manning

Who Is Ron Mexico? gets:
Laurence Maroney

Analysis: Despite Ed's enjoyable comparison of Nelson Muntz to Laurence Maroney, the fact remains he is stuck in a platoon, in which he's the lesser running back. I'm of the belief that if you have a chance to win and make the playoffs, you have to take it, and that fourth playoff spot is there for Champ's taking. Sure you are losing a running back who is going to be a player in the future, but it's not as if guys like Frank Gore and Joseph Addai aren't a good foundation anyway. Who Is Ron Mexico? could use a fourth back for the flex spot, and he would round out a nice trio of keepers (Reggie Bush and Willis McGahee) for next season. With Tomke now having sexual relations with Tony Romo, Eli Manning is a benchwarmer. Champ needs a steady hand at QB, and a youthful one with potential (there's that word again) would help win more than The Snake (3 picks this week).

Deal #4:
Fresh Legs gets:
Low round draft pick

Naj Davenport's Poop/Tice's Partyboat gets:
Lavernaeus Coles

Analysis: Everything I said about Chris Henry gets reapplied here and Coles would make a better WR-3 than Henry. As for my absolutely perplexing team, Tice's Partyboat, I still will be tied for a playoff spot once this week is done. It's been mostly luck, but with a hoard of mid round picks already in my stable, dropping a low round pick (after Reggie Brown set the standard of 10th rounder) for anyone better than the merry-go-round of Reggie Williams, Marty Booker, Mike Furrey makes sense. Baron having given up on the season is in sell off mode and will take anything that helps in 2007.

Deal #5:
Madd Skillz gets:
Cato June

Tice's Partyboat gets:
Larry Johnson

Analysis: Ed's defense needs someone who can get him a hard fought playoff victory - on Thursday if necessary. LT already outscores everyone on every team in the league, and as such Larry Johnson is expendable. Tice's Partyboat needs a lackluster running back, and Johnson is pretty bad. In fact, Ed should probably throw in his 1st rounder next year just to make it fair.

Open Thread: What Week is This?

I know this is recent, and the blog-checkers have seen it, but I really can't get enough of this scene.



Discuss the week's happenings amongst yourselves.

Week 10 Preview

Game of the Week

ChamPeons vs. Naj Davenport's Poop (-22)

We may have touched on it here before, but these two teams usually play a pretty close game...Historically, both teams have identical 5-5 records from Week 10-Week 14...Neither of these teams has lost consecutive games this season; one will finally experience back-to-back defeats this game...After a 0.75 win in Week 1, Champ is 4-1 lifetime against Andy, the only team with a winning record against Viano.

News and Notes, CHM

Champ's QB carousel stops on Original Snake this week, as he takes on the hapless Raiders. Champion has done a nice job since Daunte Culpepper died, not making any blockbuster deals, but rather finding decent options with great matchups on the wire. It's worked well so far. Corey Dillon replaces Laurence Maroney this week, which is the right call as long as Dillon gets the goal line looks. Both Julius Jones and Dillon have good matchups on the ground. Joseph Addai is questionable. I also love that Champ's smack talk is a relatively obscure Sports Night reference.

News and Notes, NDP

I couldn't be any more sold on Viano's team an elite squad. Has averaged a robust 116 points since a subpar week one, and has been the most consistent team through that time frame. The 4th overall pick in this year's draft, Mike Bell, gets his first start since week 3 in our league, and as long as Tatum doesn't sneak up and steal 14 carries, has the potential for a monster game against the Raiders. Chris Henry gets his first start for NDP, replacing the questionable Greg Jennings. Todd Heap is also questionable.

On Deck

Madd Skillz vs. Tice's Partyboat (+23)

The teams come into play winning their last 6, combined...SKL has averaged 159.31 points over the last four weeks, and has a history of big games against the Wolfman...TPB has won 5 of their last 6, bringing them over .500 for the first time all season...Schillinger is 5-2 against Wolf through their careers, Schillinger winning the last five.

News and Notes, SKL

Ran into some WR depth issues last week, forcing a last second pickup into the lineup, and this week acquired some insurance with both Terry Glenn and Joe Horn on the injury report again. Got Reggie Brown from Baron for a draft pick, and Brown is in the WR3 spot as of now vs. WAS. A lot of attention will be paid to the SD-CIN game with 4 major players going in that one, a good matchup for the Chargers, but less so for the Bengals. Chester Taylor and Horn are questionable, while Glenn is probable.

News and Notes, TPB

One of the hottest teams in the league over the past four weeks heads into a major Week 10 clash with Maurice Jones-Drew as their highest scoring RB. MJD and Ruben Droughns have good matchups on the ground; Michael Vick and Mike Furrey also go against weak opponents. The Partyboat is pretty much in do-or-die mode as any loss from here on out is extremely costly. Kellen Winslow is questionable.

The 3 Spot

Who is Ron Mexico vs. The Slumpbusters (-22.5)

WIRM comes in after a career high score last week and has won 2 of 3 since starting 0-6...Eli averages 131 points in week 10, and has a 1-1 record...The Willis McGahee bowl is off, as this would have been Willis' first game against his former owner, who hates him. McGahee fell victim to one of Eli's famous voodoo dolls last week...5 players take the field in the STL-SEA game, with SLM owning three Rams and WIRM fielding two Seahawks...Eli is 2-1 vs. Dave all-time, winning the last two.

News and Notes, WIRM

Tony Romo has earned it; his first VUFSA start comes this week against the Cardinals. Maurice Morris had a very nice game last week, and gets another good matchup this week against STL as his window as a starter closes. Just once, I would like to see Marques Colston occupy a starting spot other than TE, preferrably when I next play Tomke. Kevan Barlow, Reggie Bush and Muhsin Muhammed are all probable this week.

News and Notes, SLM

What was once the unquestioned best WR corps in the league is now in a state of flux with Santana Moss' injury and Randy Moss' uncertainty. Antonio Bryant has a good matchup against Detroit, while Torry Holt and Roy Williams also have nice matchups and make up for the uncertain WR3. Warrick Dunn and Steven Jackson also have nice opponents this week. Tatum Bell and Santana Moss are questionable this week, and neither is in the starting lineup as a result.

Batting Cleanup

Father Abraham vs. Fresh Legs (-9.5)

Baron is just 3 wins behind Lincoln on the VUFSA's all-time list, and can creep even closer to 8th with a win here...After averaging 118 points in the previous three weeks, FL put up just 91.50 in a week where 97 would have netted a win...The two teams have lost a their last 7 games, combined...Baron and Lincoln are 1-1 vs. one another after Souzek notched a 105.75-99.75 win in Week 1.

News and Notes, FA

Donovan McNabb and Anquan Boldin return to a lineup that was good without them. Leon Washington will also get added back to the RB rotation, where Jamal Lewis and Fred Taylor have been very, very good the last two weeks. I don't know if there's a streakier WR in the league than Joey Galloway right now, but when he's on he's really, really good. Taylor has a good matchup with HOU, and McNabb will likely throw all over the WAS secondary. Outside of the season-ending injuries from Domanick Davis and Amani Toomer, this team is healthy. Fred Taylor is listed as probable, and will play.

News and Notes, FL

Baron is seriously looking towards the future from here, and the potential to harvest his stable of solid, veteran backs and turn them into a stud is there. Deuce McAllister, Ahman Green and Thomas Jones should all be looked at by contenders looking to solidify the RB corps, as long as they're willing to give up some young talent and/or a top three draft pick. A move like that with Champ (has young talent and could use a boost) makes sense for both sides, to me. Doug Gabriel could have a big game as Tom Brady looks to rebound against a weak Jets defense, while Alge Crumpler should stay hot against CLE. Baron has four offensive starters on the injury report, most notably Brian Westbrook, but he should be fine coming off the bye.

The 5 Hole

The Nihilist Marmot vs. Cellar Dwellers (+32)

Both teams enter the game on four game streaks, TNM a winning, CD a losing...Last week, Eli and I picked the spread on the TNM win perfectly, a first for the rookie handicappers...Week 10 is far and away Andrew Stem's best week- recording 138.13 points with a 2-0 record through 2 seasons...Radcliffe is similarly conistent in Week 10s, going 1-1 with a 109.50 and a 109.25 in 2 seasons...JR holds a commanding 4-2 career edge over Stem, including a 27.50 point win in Week 1.

News and Notes, TNM

The ever-attentive Radcliffe swooped in and snatched up Anthony Thomas last Sunday, and now the A-Train could be a starter through the VUFSA playoffs. He brings added stability to a team that was tiring of Travis Henry and is still leery of DeShaun Foster now that DeAngelo Williams is healthy. A few weeks ago, I had throw dirt on JR's QB situation, claiming it stable with Rex Grossman, and now I'm not so sure. The Colts sisters have a nice matchup this week. JR's team is 100% healthy.

News and Notes, CD

Should get Larry Fitzgerald back this week, although that good news is tempered by the Bitchass Burress' injury. Shaun Alexander could be back as early as next week, pushing Mewelde Moore and Justin Fargas back to the bench. Red-hot Kevin Jones gets to play agains the 49ers this week and is primed for another big game. Tom Brady should also register a positive number this week. Most of Stem's injuries on the bench, although LaMont Jordan is probable again.

Power Rankings: Boston Style

By Bill Simmons
Remember what I definitively said three months ago? Retract that and forget it. Let me tell you something else.

First, a quick word for you guys before we get to the power rankings for this week.

I was out walking my dog the other day in Los Angeles, where I live, after I moved from Boston, there are a lot of Starbucks here, and I like to go there, before I write my columns, because I like caffeine, it keeps me going, because I write 7,000-word columns, and, inexplicably, I saw this totally hot broad on the street. And I'm thinking, "Man, I love women. They're really stupid bimbos, but I love their breasts. Dumb creatures with no redeeming value though."

Anyway, I'm walking the dog along and I see this totally hot blonde girl and she's hot. And then I realize that, holy crap, it was that psycho chick on Real World Season 9! You know, the one who did that thing where she argued with the other chick? The black one with curly hair?

Can you believe I saw her?

I'm telling you, these sorts of things don't happen in Boston. Only in Los Angeles. It's a crazy, crazy place. When I worked for Jimmy Kimmel, I saw some really hot girls here in Los Angeles. I met Jessica Alba once during a taping of his show. Jimmy is so funny. He lets Adam Corolla come in during meetings and Adam Corolla will bend over with his hands on his shins and fart really loud, sometimes five or six times a minute. Never fails to crack me up. My buddy House said farts are the funniest things in the world. One time my dad farted.

Anyway, on to the Power Rankings for this week.

1. Madd Skillz (8-1): There are no Patriots on this team, but there are still somehow the best team in the league. Kind of reminds me of the Karate Kid. Ed survived a big-time matchup with Naj Davenport's Poop, which was a nice win. The reason he won is because Peyton Manning is a total choker and didn't score 80 points. He choked so bad, he choked like A-Rod while he was choking. He was making the Peyton Manning face the whole time. Choker. Anyway, it's probably time for Ed to enter the Pantheon of fantasy football owners.

2. Naj Davenport's Poop (6-3): I love this team name. It's topical humor. Andy Viano is like Adam Corolla funny with his team names. Anyway, he'll never win anything because Peyton Manning is his quarterback. And everyone knows that Peyton Manning is the only quarterback in the league worse than Kyle Boller.

3. The Nihilist Marmot (6-3): This team is now a pretty dangerous contender after major improvements in the last few weeks. Sort of like the Sports Gal, who used to talk during sporting events. Then she learned to stop, after I kept hitting her in the mouth with my 33-ounce Boston Red Sox championship bat, which I got signed by Gabe Kapler.

4. The Slumpbusters (5-4): No goddamn Patriots on this team either. God damn it. I have so many foul words I want to say, but I can't, because my editors are zapping me with 10,000 volts of electricity. I can't believe there are no Patriots on any of the top four teams in the league. I will now go and do something to my body that you would not expect me to do, and it will be painful, and it will demonstrate my disapproval with this newest development.

5. ChamPeons (5-4): Finally, some fucking (zzzzap) Patriots! This team will probably win the championship. Lawrence Maroney is going to run for at least 12 touchdowns in the final weeks, and Corey Dillon will probably move to wide receiver and also strong-side linebacker, because he isn't old and is awesome. This team also has Joseph Addai, which is why I have them ranked all the way down at No. 5. Though he'll probably do well, because the NFL loves the Colts and wants them to win so badly, because everyone knows that major sporting organizations love to get winners from major media markets like Indiana.

6. Fresh Legs (3-6): I don't care about the record, this team is better than the others below it. Baron brags about having lunch with a Pro Bowl quarterback, but BFD, I once met Demi Moore's sister AND Daniel Stern. In the same week.

7. Tice's Partyboat (5-4):I have no idea how this team has this record. I guess it's probably because their kicker is Adam Vinatieri, and he's super clutch. He's going to die in a barge accident though, because he plays for the Colts now.

8. Who is Ron Mexico? (2-7): Reggie Bush looks like a boy among men right now. He inexplicably had -5 yards on 63 carries this past week. But still, the Houston Texans are idiots for not passing on him. They were all making the Dom Capers Face during draft day. If I was their VP of Common Sense, I would have totally drafted Reggie Bush, or at least Marques Colston, or maybe Devin Hester, or Mario Williams, if he keeps playing really well.

9. Father Abraham (2-7): Fred Taylor has not been as bad as everyone thought he was going to be, which is probably exactly what I told you would happen. Also, can you believe that he's black? With a name like Fred Taylor? People are so unpredictable, especially the Sports Gal and her giant, heaving titties.

15. Cellar Dwellers (3-6): I'm not much for facts or hard data, but this team is averaging 77 points during the last five weeks. That's horrible. Also, their behavior during Shaun Alexander's injury reminded me of that time my dad had a stroke and just sat in his chair for three weeks without moving.

Well, thanks for letting me write for you guys. I hated every second of it, because my readers are just huge inconveniences to me. Why the hell did I agree to this?

The lesson, as always, is I'm an idiot.

Posterized

Just in case anyone is looking for something to adorn his wall. Tomke, specifically.

Week 9 Recap

Madd Skillz: 158.00
Naj Davenport's Poop: 135.75

Game Summary: What could have been a blowout turned into the week's best game. Trailing big after the early games, NDP got great efforts from the only 2 offensive players on the field during the PIT-DEN game, as Willie Parker and Javon Walker got things to within Peyton Manning range by the 3rd quarter. It was then, however, that LaDanian Tomlinson awoke and scored 3 2nd half touchdowns, putting the lead out of even Manning's reach. This is the first time since week 3 that NDP had an opponent put up more than 89.75 points against them.

Madd Skillz (8-1): Monster week courtesy of the VUFSA's new leading scorer, LDT. Drew Brees, Larry Johnson and London Fletcher also had big games. Fletcher's emergence eased the pain of playing with only 2 WRs (terrible Tim Carter doesn't count). Sits in first with eight wins and a two game lead. No team that has won 8 games in a season has ever missed the playoffs.

Naj Davenport's Poop (6-3): Viano registerd the 4th most points in a loss through VUFSA history while putting up his best score of the season. Javon Walker's 34 points represent the highest point total for a WR in the league this season; just the 3rd time a WR has had 30+. Ronnie Brown and Willie Parker played arguably their best games of the season against two of the league's best defenses. Outside those three players and a good but not great Peyton Manning, no one else on the poop topped 7 points. The loss snaps a 5 game winning streak, and knocks NDP into a 2nd place tie with TNM. NDP has a healthy tiebreaker lead, however.

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The Nihilist Marmot: 96.50
Fresh Legs: 91.50

Game Summary: A pretty decent game despite all the byes incurred by both squads. Extremely disappointing QB performances kept both teams under 100 points. FL sent 5 men into double digits, compared with just 3 Marmots; big difference was that TNM's double digit men had a floor of 17.50.

The Nihilist Marmot (6-3): Tiki Barber's best game of the season came at a great time, as the soon-to-be-retired one finally got into the end zone and got over 100 yards on the ground. Marvin Harrison's Sunday Night was the big story here, however, as the Radcliffian deficit was considerable before Marvin dominated the Patriots. Tony Gonzalez was again very good, so it's probably time to lay off the Tony G jokes for a while. Overcame a crucial and completely unforseen zero from Heath Evans to grab hold of the league's longest winning streak (4 games) and a tie for 2nd.

Fresh Legs (3-6): Solid performances from a lot of people (7 players between 9 and 13 points) but no one went off, and that ulitimately cost FL. Chris Chambers and Rod Smith were fine, as were Deuce, Thomas Jones and Ahman Green. Aaron Kampman was also notable with 7.25 points. Probably eliminated from the playoff race with the loss. Needs to win out to hit 8 wins and has to leapfrog at least three teams, while sitting two full games behind each of them.

================

Who Is Ron Mexico: 109.00
ChamPeons: 97.25

Game Summary: Bullshit Cheater Marques Colston has another huge game and Champ gets Thundered. Dave has his first winning record head-to-head with another owner.

Who Is Ron Mexico (2-7): Out of the cellar for WIRM, thanks in large part to Shit-Ton Bush's -5 rushing yards on 11 carries. Maurice Morris proves to be the gem of the McGahee-Dunn deal as his 13 points helped usher in the Thunder, along with Deion Branch. Six offensive players in double digits, but the real difference maker was Jason Taylor and his undressing of Rex Grossman. His 16.50 is the reason Dave wins his second game.

ChamPeons (5-4): A devastating loss for the Fighting Kennisons, as they drop down into a three-way tie for the final playoff spot which means they'll need tiebreaker help. That's not a good thing if you're a CHM fan. If you're Herm Edwards, how can you possibly bench Damon Huard? Another 22.50 for the journeyman, keeping the 'Peons QB problems out of the equation. Three starting RBs who are all platooning keeps things uncertain, as only Joseph Addai hit 10 points. Laurence Maroney, for all his future studliness, has been pretty much worthless since torching the Bengals. Corey Dillon was the better play again this week. Champ needs to win at least 4 of the remaining 5 games to make the playoffs, and even then may need some help, as they probably won't have the benefit of a tiebreaker.

================

Tice's Partyboat: 88.25
Cellar Dwellers: 57.25

Game Summary: TPB was bad, CD was much, much worse. A gift-wrapped win keeps the Partyboat rockin' and knocks CD out of the race.

Tice's Partyboat (5-4): Like TNM, in the midst of a 4 game winning streak, but like CHM, won't have any tiebreakers to bail them out if it comes down to it late in the season. Michael Vick came back to earth a little bit this week, notching just 12.25 despite 80 rushing yards. Donald Driver hit the end zone and that's all the double digit scorers for TPB. Kellen Winslow was good with 8.50 and Maurice Jones-Drew continues to contribute. Cadillac Williams is starting to look like a fluke. He's young, sure, but it's going to be hard to count on him down the stretch.

Cellar Dwellers (3-6): The 5th lowest score All-Time and lowest of Andrew Stem's career can probably be laid at the feet of Tom Brady and his -2 points. It's a good thing that Cris Collinsworth made him his pick for "player of the week" before the game even started. Kevin Jones may have finally gotten his shit together- another 26 points this week makes him the #4 back in the league thus far. Outside of Jones, managed just 31.75 points with 12 other players. Let's move on.

================

The Slumpbusters: 137.50
Father Abraham: 90.50

Game Summary: A great effort from FA, all things considered, but was overmatched even at full strength.

The Slumpbusters (5-4): The RB corps was all you could ask for this week; studly effort from Steven Jackson and solid numbers (w/TDs) from Warrick Dunn and Clinton Portis. Roy Williams, Marc Bulger, Jeremy Shockey, also good. In the driver's seat with the CHM loss- in a tie for 4th, with a tiebreaker edge on anyone behind them. We've been here before, sure, but this is a league with a significant dropoff after the #4 team. Faces WIRM and CHM the next two weeks, and wins in both of those could just about slam the door on the race.

Father Abraham (2-7): We have a new last place team for the first time this season, which is weird because Lincoln had a nice week with a makeshift linuep. David Garrard was a smart pickup and paid off nicely in his one week of work, while Jamal Lewis was very effective for the first-place Ravens. Joey Galloway was outstanding again, but a pithy performance from the other WRs. Has lost 4 straight and is out of the playoff race.

Open Thread, Week 9

That's kinda gay.

Week 9 Preview

Game of the Week

Madd Skillz vs. Naj Davenport's Poop (+16)

Two winningest franchises in league history do battle (26 wins vs. 23)...This week's game of the week features the 2nd greatest combined win percentage of any two teams in a regular season game (81.3%)...It's Viano's worst historical week, however- racking up just 84.38 in those games, including a loss to expansion Baron in Week 9 of last season...Schillinger fares better in week 9s, his 2nd best week, with an average of 153.50 in 2 wins through two seasons...After this game, SKL has just one and NDP just two games left against teams with winning records...Viano is 2-1 against Schillinger lifetime, the only owner with a winning record against him.

News and Notes, SKL

Both LaDanian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson went crazy last week, combining for 80.50 points. While it would be equally crazy to expect that again, both are set up for big games against Cleveland and St. Louis, resp...Chester Taylor looks to rebound from a nightmarish Monday Night showing against the 49ers, and should get a big workload since Brad Johnson has again proven himself a barely mediocre QB...On the other side of the matchup spectrum the Bengals Johnson take on Baltimore, and neither has had any sort of consistent success against that franchise through their careers...Very thin at WR, potentially, with Joe Horn and Terry Glenn on the injury report and Steve Smith on a bye. May force last second pickup Eric Parker into the lineup, the 3rd such offensive Charger if that happens...Key Byes: Steve Smith...Key Injuries: Joe Horn (Questionable), Matt Hassellbeck (Out)

News and Notes, NDP

Peyton Manning's recent spurt of 687 yards and 7 TDs in the last two weeks will be put to the test against a New England team that has been excellent defensively this year. In the distant past, Manning has struggled with the Patriots, and his struggles were magnified on the road. Last year, however, Peyton went into Foxboro and racked up 321 yards and 3 TDs en route to a handy Colts win. While the Colts are not as good as they were last year, the win isn't a certainty, but the numbers should be there for NDP in one of the season's biggest games...A tough week in matchups, all things considered for Viano, employing 3 studs from both PIT and DEN, who play each other this week. Willie Parker takes on a ferocious Bronco front seven and Hines Ward has to deal with Champ Bailey. Javon Walker takes on the normally good Pittsburgh Defense, but still has a chance to break out against a Steeler team that saw 4 Michael Vick TDs two weeks ago...Viano's most talented running back takes on the best defense in the NFL, it'll be hard to expect a ton from Ronnie Brown- although double digits are within range if he makes a couple catches...Cedric Benson and Marion Barber both have good chances to score well with their team's playing very well on offense...Todd Heap's injury won't be a problem, he's been upgraded to probable...Key Byes: Bryant Johnson...Key Injuries: Greg Jennings (Questionable), Todd Heap (Probable)

On Deck

The Nihilist Marmot vs. Fresh Legs (+5)

A lot of luster is gone from this matchup thanks to the Thursday Thunder, knocking FL to 3-5. On the other hand, every week is pretty much a must win for them now, so pay a little closer attention...After two straight losses, TNM has won 3 straight, and has increased their point total nearly 10 whole points each of the last 3 weeks, climbing from 120 to 130.50 to 140. All the while, his opponents are getting better than 108 in each of those matchups...Brendel, on the other hand, has hit no lower than 116.25 the last two weeks and has lost both games...Baron is 1-0 against JR, lifetime.

News and Notes, TNM

A pretty bad bye week leaves TNM vulnerable against the talented FL squad. New RB Edgerrin James takes a seat, as does DeShaun Foster, leaving the often inactive Ron Dayne in at RB and the often overlooked Isaac Bruce in their place at RB and Flex...Travis Henry can't duplicate his two point week eight for Radcliffe to be successful..Tony Gonzlez has had a sensational last two weeks, but St. Louis has had good success against the TE; they held Antonio Gates in check for a good part of last week...Darrell Jackson only had three catches with Seneca Wallace under center for a full game, but one of those was for a TD. Jackson should continue to be a viable weapon even with Wallace as his QB...Can I make a small prediction? I say Tiki Barber finds the end zone against the Texans and has his best game of the year. He has to break off a big play at some point this season...Key Byes: Edgerrin James, DeShaun Foster...Key Injuries: Darrell Jackson (Probable), Ron Dayne (Probable)

News and Notes, FL

The league's most despondent owner also has a horrible bye week this week as he misses his best player and 2 starting WRs...Dominic Rhodes is thrust back into the starting lineup, despite proving himself to be Indianapolis' inferior back carry after carry. He plays a stifling Patriot defense on a team that will probably throw about 75 times. I don't forsee good things from Dominic...The other three backs, while no sensational matchups, should be good for a double digit average between them...2 bright spots for Chris Chambers against the Bears: 1) they'll probably have to throw 62 times again and 2) The possibility for Big Play Peanut Tillman to cover him for at least one play means he has a good chance to score...Since coming off the bye, Doug Gabriel has been a solid WR3 in this league, and with the Patriot pass game ever-improving, his stock should only rise from here...Through his career, Carson Palmer has been very good against the Ravens, averaging 312 yards and 2 TDs against them. He picked them apart to the tune of a 128.4 QB rating last time they met, as well...Key Byes: Brian Westbrook, Laverneus Coles, Reggie Brown...Key Injuries: Dominic Rhodes (Questionable), Ahman Green (Probable)

The Three Spot

Who is Ron Mexico vs. ChamPeons (+1.5)

Week 9 is Champ's best scoring week- netting 118 points during these games. It's also his worst week, the only week he hasn't won a game. Weird...Tomke on the other hand, remembers week 9 for the worst loss in VUFSA history, when he put up just 47.50 en route to a 117.50 point loss...WIRM and CHM have finished in the top 5 or a given week once each...Before the season, I ranked Champ's schedule the 2nd hardest in the league, and that hasn't really changed; 4 of the top 5 scorers await after this week...Champ and Dave split their 2 games last season.

News and Notes, WIRM

Willis McGahee will suit up for his first new team in 3 VUFSA seasons, taking the field for Dave after coming over in exchange for Warrick Dunn last week. Dave has done an excellent job of continuing to upgrade his team, starting with underused and now-injured RB DeAngelo Williams and free-agent pickup Maurice Jones Drew and turning them into Warrick Dunn. He then turned that into a younger player with good upside in McGahee. It's really unknown to any of us if Willis will turn his talent into anything in his career, but it's a worthy gamble for Tomke...Michael Jenkins is an interesting start this week as WIRM tries to capitalize on the recent success of the Falcon pass attack. The other WRs look good this week as well...As long as Reggie Bush is healthy, he's worth at least a flex spot in our league, but as a 1 or 2 he's not as strong of an asset...Key Byes: Kevan Barlow...Key Injuries: Reggie Bush (Questionable)

News and Notes, CHM

The great thing for CHM this week is the Patriot-Colt matchup. It wouldn't be unsound to start both Maroney and Dillon because Indy can't stop anybody on the ground. If NE proved anything last week, it's that they'll go at your weakness, or at least against your strenght. Each back could get 20 touches...Frank Gore, despite his superhuman powers, plays a very good run defense in Minnesota this week. Gore was still able to rack up 111 garbage rush yards against the Bears last week, but that may be different in a more controlled game...Damon Huard gets his chance to show his stuff in his VUFSA debut, taking over for the recently benched David Carr. Mario Williams looks worse and worse every single week for that franchise...I like the potential for Lee Evans against Green Bay...Key Byes: None...Key Injuries: Joseph Addai (Questionable), Laurence Maroney (Questionable)- but both of those are because the Tony Dungy and Bill Belichick are acting like fucking children with their injury reports and the NFL lets them get away with it.

Batting Cleanup

Tice's Partyboat vs. Celler Dwellers (+13)

The 2nd benefactor of Thursday Thunder in league history, Wolfman finds himself one game up on Stem and on the edge of the playoff race; a win here not only keeps them in it, but all but knocks out a CD team who would probably need to win out to get in...Stem and Drew are 2-2 against one another splitting their series each of the first two seasons.

News and Notes, TPB

Michael Vick has been on fire and has a pathetic Lion offense to contend with this week. It's going to be a good day for the Mexican...A weak WR corps gets a boost from Reggie Williams- well, not so much him as the fact that he's playing the Titans- even though David Garrard may be the starter until the end of the season...Ruben Droughns is still a Partyboater, and his trade window may have passed now that he's had one good game, and he's due to be shut down by San Diego's defense this week...Brandon Jacobs is probably going to score 48 points against Texans...Adam Vinateri averages more points per game than Tiki Barber, Steven Jackson and every WR in our league...Key Byes: Keyshawn Johnson, DeAngelo Williams...Key Injuries: Byron Leftwich (Questionable), Kellen Winslow (Questionable), Maurice Jones-Drew (Probable)

News and Notes, CD

Honestly, this is as sound as this squad has looked in some time. Mewelde Moore is a decent fill-in at RB3, and LaMont Jordan should be starting again this week...Tom Brady's best game of the year went to waste last week, and it's a shame as New England probably won't throw the ball that much (if at all) this weekend, when CD really needs it...Bitchass Burress is, like all other NY Giants, set up for a big game...Keenan McCardell has yet to hit 7 catches or 70 yards in a single game- his starting spot should be in jeopardy for CD...Eric Johnson has been extremely consistent since Vernon Davis went down: 3 catches each game he's played...Key Byes: Larry Fitzgerald, LJ Smith, Donte Stallworth...Key Injuries: LaMont Jordan (Questionable), Plaxico Burress (Questionable), Shaun Alexander (Out)

The 5 Hole

Father Abraham vs. The Slumpbusters (-39.5)

Even historically, this is a mismatch, with Gieryna averaging 136.88 in Week 9s and Souzek coming in with 69.63 during this frame...From week 9 until the end of the season, Souzek has won just one game in 2 years...This is the first of 3 very winnable games in a row for SLM, with the two lowest scoring teams followed by a very bad 5 win team...Eli is 3-0 against Lincoln lifetime.

News and Notes, FA

Souzek is missing four offensive starters and 2 defenders this weekend, and as of Saturday hasn't yet replaced them. I'll go under the assumption that those spots will soon be filled...No one on the wire will match Donovan McNabb's production, but there are at least 3 (by my count) juicy matchups for serviceable QBs to man the helm during this week's bloodbath...Guys like Samkon Gado and LenDale White may get starting nods in the lineup, while Amani Toomer and Drew Bennett get thrust into the WR spotlight...Desmond Clark has been a great pickup for FA, outperforming keeper Jason Witten by 16 points over the season...The resurgance (and health) of Fred Taylor has been great for FA, and Freddy looked awesome last week just shredding the Eagles...Jamal Lewis got 31 carries last week, far and away his season high, and did something with them- a respectable 109 yards against the Saints...Key Byes: Donovan McNabb, Anquan Boldin, Jerricho Crotchitch, Leon Washington...Key Injuries: Fred Taylor (Probable)

News and Notes, SLM

Back to full strength after two consecutive rough weeks, but is short Tatum Bell. Bell could be down for just a week, maybe two, or he could never carry the ball in Denver again. It's impossible to predict what will happen in that backfield...The Kansas City defense has been maligned for years and hasn't been much better this season, leading to the very predictable note that the Rams have a good matchup for Eli this week...the enduring image of Randy Moss, for me, will not be that of the faux-moon at Lambeau (though I'll never forget it) but rather how dominating he was in his very first season, punctuated by my first firsthand viewing of his talents on Monday Night Football against the Packers. As a result, the cliche on Moss used to be that he "always saved his best for the big stage" but now that he's on a crappy team, I'm not sure that's a valid statement anymore- as he's been on primetime 2x this season and done nothing...Key Byes: None...Key Injuries: Santana Moss (Doubtful), Tatum Bell (Probable), Clinton Portis (Probable)

Let's Make a Deal

I wanted to write this post last week, but I was so busy in trying to fill holes in my Walgreens' work schedules (and just you know, if any of you die, I'm taking 10 days off and going to San Diego) and making more trades, that there never really was an opportunity. As such, it's a week late, but I'm sure Baron will be happy for anything that moves Cato June's name down the blog page a bit.

From October 25th to October 28th, five blockbuster deals were made, and I was involved in four of them. If not for that fifth one and Morris, I would have entitle the piece "Iceberg, Right Ahead!" but instead have settled on the largely recycled Monty Hall game show title.

October 25th:
Ed gets:
Drew Brees
Michael Turner
Lance Briggs
Drew's 9th round 2007 selection

Drew gets:
Brandon Jacobs
Kellen Winslow
Michael Pittman
Ed's 6th round 2007 selection

Why it makes sense for Madd Skillz?

In a one week span, Ed went from having two capable if not flashy quarterback to zero. The Tony Romo era began in Dallas and Vikings decided to roll over Matt Hasselbeck's legs. And so for the second time this season, Ed came knocking on my door for quarterback help. Drew Brees is a nice fit, as he has been a steady presence who occasionally opens up for the spectacular performance. He had 21 points last week, and that's with four turnovers. Regardless, with Colston, McCallister, Horn, and Bush, Brees has an offense to work with.

Michael Turner offers depth in the event that LT breaks a leg. Having been after Turner for the better part of the season, Ed finally secured this much coveted backup letting him sleep at night. Also, the addition of Lance Briggs should allow Jamie to sleep soundly after I was told that he was one of her favorite players and who am I to separate a woman and her Bear?

The final part of the deal, and the part that took awhile to hammer out, was the draft pick compensation. We went back and forth on these rounds, throwing out several different options, with Ed desperate to stay out of the supplemental rounds. In the end, he managed to make that happen reacquiring a draft pick, albeit a lower one in the trade.

Why it makes sense for Tice's Partyboat?

At the time I was still under this charade of building toward next year. Brees has twice been a keeper, but a modest one at that. As mentioned his steady presence has been a nice addition to the team, but the opportunity to acquire Tiki's replacement was too great to pass up. I am, actually, the worst general manager of all-time as I went back and looked at all the opportunities I had to acquire Jacobs' talents before this trade.

Actual order of selections from this year's draft:
Drew - Adam Vinateri
JR - Issac Bruce
Stem - Antowain Smith
Ed - Brandon Jacobs

Boy doesn't that sum up four seasons in a nutshell?

Then the week before this deal was solidified, Ed offered Jacobs for Turner straight up. I nearly accepted, but at the time, Turner was playing the 49ers and I thought he'd be more beneficial than the Giant. As such I declined and said that I'd be happy to revisit the deal after Turner was done trashing San Francisco. Turner went on to have 0 carries (despite LT and the Chargers running up the score), and Tiki announced his retirement. As such, the deal I should have taken was off the table. So, instead of having Jacobs, I took a kicker and held onto a backup running back. See, I suck.

But alas, I have Jacobs and some other pieces in the form of Bicycle Solider Kellen Winslow and a mid-round selection next year.

October 26th
Eli gets:
Randy Moss

Drew gets:
Michael Vick
5th round selection in 2007

Why it makes sense for The Slumpbusters?

In the three weeks before the trade, Moss seemed to be returning to form with 17 catches and 2 TDs. Oakland was looking less inept, and frankly Moss's value had never been lower. It was an opportunity to buy low and bolster a receiving corp that was starting Reggie Williams while big names Santana Moss and Roy Williams suffered through byes. Losing Vick was no big loss to Eli as Marc Bulger was the starter on this team, and he had made it through the bye. Dealing from his strength at quarterback had already happened this year when The Gun moved Rex Grossman to JR, so moving another non-playing QB was not unexpected.

Why it makes sense for Tice's Partyboat?

I had a huge gaping hole at quarterback after Brees departed, and Eli is a shrewd, opportunistic dealer who offered a good player at what I still deem a good price. While I'm not sold that Vick is going to do this 3 TD thing every week, as 99% of ESPN's analysts believe, I will still take him on the chance that he does have this type of outing here and there. Vick is a better option than every one on the wire and certainly better than Byron "Is he injured? Is he even the starter?" Leftwich who by default had inherited Tice's Partyboat's QB slot. The draft pick was simply icing on the cake as I, like all Minnesotans, was sick of Moss' shenanigans.

Oct. 26th
Baron gets:
Alge Crumpler

Drew gets:
6th round selection in 2006

Why it makes sense for Fresh Legs?

Despite a fairly solid line-up, tight end was the glaring weakness in Baron's roster. Heath Miller hasn't been a regular part of the Steelers' game plan (just 14 catches), due in no small part to Big Ben's continued struggles. Dallas Clark also has struggled not reaping the benefits of being in the league's best offense (just 19 catches). The opportunity to upgrade to Alge Crumpler (26 catches and as many TDs as the other two combined) was a wise one. It was also a pleasant plus that Crumpler would be coming over the week where he was set to line-up opposite Fresh Legs as Tice's Partyboat's tight end.

Why it makes sense for Tice's Partyboat?

Again, I was still in full fledged rebuilding mode trying to trade any and everything I could this year that would help next year. This deal was in the works even before Kellen Winslow came my way, but once he did, Crumpler was done with Tice's Partyboat. It was after this deal that Ed and I engaged in a series of e-mails with the subject line "Trade Whoring."

Oct. 27th
JR gets:
Edgerrin James

Drew gets:
Carnell Williams

Why it makes sense for The Nihilist Marmot?

Carnell has struggled with the Bucs thanks to a dumb offense and bloody spleens. He has just one touchdown on the season, and frankly, JR grew tired of the exhaust fumes. James, despite his struggles, is still getting a ton of touches in the desert. When Dennis Green gets canned, maybe Arizona will start playing football and James can return to form.

Why it makes sense for Tice's Partyboat?

All of you sons of bitches had combined to make it impossible to trade Edgerrin James for much more than a Culver's ice cream cone (an actual trade I made with Lincoln back in the day did in fact involve frozen custard which was incredibly tasty). A starting running back was just a plus. Though maybe I should have held out for the frozen custard. Damn it, now I'm regretting the whole thing.

Oct. 28th
Eli gets:
Warrick Dunn

Tomke gets:
Maurice Morris
Willis McGahee

Why it makes sense for The Slumpbusters?

In my personal opinion, Eli made this move because he's getting antsy. He's buying into the jinx, and he's doing everything possible to combat it. Warrick Dunn plays for the best rushing team in football and is part of the "now" solution. McGahee is racking up a lot of yards but isn't getting in the end zone. The better bet to win this year is to go with the guy who is playing for Atlanta rather than Buffalo. Lastly, Maurice Morris' value is declining with each passing week as Alexander gets set to return. Why not move him, even as if a trade sweetener while you still can?

Why it makes sense for Who Is Ron Mexico?

Even if a one or two week option, Morris does give Tomke a full slate of running backs to start. Plus who knows if Alexander is even going to be 100% upon returning. It never hurts to have that extra insurance on the roster. But the big reason for the deal was McGahee who has the brighter future. With Dunn already being pushed by Norwood in the Falcons backfield, it might be only a matter of time before Dunn's starting status is questioned. McGahee, on the other hand, is just about the only competent anything in Buffalo and probably will be relevant until 2020.

Bertrand Berry meet Cato Fucking June

Morris has impacted the league again. This time, though, in reporting it, I am giddy as all hell. I feel legit pain for Baron because it sucks to lose on Thursday, but folks, I'm back in the mess of things.

Cato June received credit for a sack, forced fumble, and assisted tackle boosting Tice's Partyboat from 118.50 to 123.00 and a victory.

I just wet myself. Back later.

Numbers Galore

In my constant quest to do nothing that I should be doing, I set out today to create a formula to tell me something about the league and how the teams line up. No specific formula, mind you, nothing I was curious about, I just wanted to get a few columns of data and start dividing. I did, and I failed. So instead, here's the raw data I compiled.

Average Points Above Mean- on any given week, where your score ranks in comparison to the league average:

1. Madd Skillz +26.75
2. The Slumpbusters +10.09
3. Naj Davenport's Poop +8.16
4. The Nihilist Marmot +5.47
5. Fresh Legs +1.25
6. ChamPeons -5.69
7. Tice's Partyboat -8.46
8. Cellar Dwellers -11.91
9. Father Abraham -12.19
10. Who is Ron Mexico -13.06

Expected Win Ratio- The number of wins you have, divided by the number of wins you should.

1. ChamPeons- 5
2. Tice's Partyboat- 1.3
3. Cellar Dwellers- 1
4. Father Abraham- 1
5. Madd Skillz- 1
6. The Slumpbusters- 1
7. Who Is Ron Mexico- 1
8. Naj Davenport's Poop- 0.85
9. The Nihilist Marmot- 0.83
10. Fresh Legs- 0.5

Weekly Scoring Average- When ranking the scores for a week 1-10, where does your team typically stand?

1. Madd Skillz 2.3
2. The Nihilist Marmot 4.0
3. Naj Davenport's Poop 4.1
4. Fresh Legs 4.6
5. The Slumpbusters 5.3
6. Tice's Partyboat 6.8
7. Father Abraham 6.9
8. ChamPeons 7.0
9. Cellar Dwellers 7.1
10. Who is Ron Mexico 7.1

Basketball Preseason Poll

Despite not getting all ballots turned in, we'll project the finish for the preseason poll. Remaining ballot was created based on the average voting position through the 9 that were turned in. It actually took more time than it would have to pick nine names out of a hat and email that to me, but I digress.

Rank. Team Name (Owner): Total Points (First Place Votes)

1. Kobe's Concierge (Ed Schillinger): 69 (3)

-I'm honored, really. If nothing else, you've all validated the claim that no one pays attention to the NBA, or maybe you just pay little attention to rosters when voting. This is an award I accept humbly based solely on track record, though that hasn't been the greatest outside of football. You're all morons.

2. That's What She Said (Eli Gieryna): 66 (2)

-The keeper names weren't as jaw-dropping as we've gotten used to, but the lineup and the frontcourt is very good. Defending champ should be one higher, but got two 5th place votes that make for the 3 point disparity.

3. Father Abraham (Lincoln Souzek): 59 (2)

-Lincoln's lofty ranking proves that often times we outthink ourselves during draft day. His autodraft, based on yahoo's rankings, led to numerous studs that get overlooked for one reason or another. Bobby Simmons, Stephon Marbury and Chris Webber scared people off for various reasons, but were great values where selected making FA very deep.

4. Cellar Dwellers (Andrew Stem): 54 (2)

-As long as Kobe Bryant doesn't break his foot and stay in his starting lineup despite being ruled out of action, Stem has got the #2 keeper core in the league. Went Guard Crazy with the roster, leaving Jermaine O'Neal, Channing Frye, Drew Gooden and Marcus Camby as the team's only bigs. Will probably need to deal some PG depth for a rebounder at some point.

5. Big Tuna (Drew Wolf): 47

-2nd team name with a "The Office" theme. Would probably be higher if anyone in the US knew that keeper Pau Gasol had a broken foot. Still, KG, Duncan and Shaq make for a frightening frontcourt. Real wild card is Ron Artest.

6. Thursdays w/Morris (Andy Viano): 42

-League's top keeper corps was hurt by absent minded drafting by yours truly, going solely off of a hastily thrown together list about 2 hours before the draft. The list contained a fair share of guards, so it wasn't until a round 8 phone call that I realized I hadn't autodrafted a single rebounder for Viano. As a result, that'll be his weakness, but still: Lebron-Paul-Brand.

7. Charlie V's Eyebrows (JR Radcliffe): 41

-In addition to an affection for making fun of people with alopecia, Radcliffe has an affection for Brad Miller. And Andrei Kirilenko. Both anchor a strong froncourt, with Jason Richardson and Allen Iverson making up a top backcourt. The flex spots are iffy, but if Gerald Wallace is healthy, he'll help. I don't know if anyone told him, but JR forfeited his right to make fun of Baron drafting David Lee by virtue of picking Steve Francis in round 4.

8. ChamPeons (Brent Whitlock): 36 (1)

-Received one first and two last place votes in the poll. Had a really solid draft, should be much, much higher, again a testamant to how little attention this league pays to the NBA. This is a top 4 team.

9. Slippery When Wet (Baron Brendel): 23

-People kept telling me they didn't get "Lamar Odom's Calves" (it's a reference to 'Entourage', people) and I feel the same way about Baron's. Is it an inside joke? An HBO show that I'm not into? Just a lame remark about hardwood floors? Whatever. You have 2 members of the Knick frontcourt on this team, so you deserve to be in 9th.

10. Rony Seikaly (Dave Tomke): 13

-Outside of Adam Morrison, Dave's draft was very good. I'm not saying he can move up in the poll, but he deserved better than a 13 point showing. His first two draft picks were better than any of his keepers.

Also receiving votes: Chicago Bears- 10, Charlie V's Anus- 3, I just hate Baron- 1


Also- one quick note about the locking and subsequent unlocking of 2 rosters today- it was dues punishment. Since the sentence was handed down, the league office has received assurances that the checks have been mailed. In the spirit of a friendly league, both owners have been taken at their word.