Football Record Book

The VUFSA turned 70,000 points this final week of the 2008 season, so here's an old favorite, your official VUFSA record book. Not a ton of changes this year, with scoring down four points/game per team from last season.

High Score (Single Game)

1. 187.25 Eli Gieryna- Week 6, 2006
2. 179.25 Ed Schillinger- Week 12, 2006
3. 176.75 Ed Schillinger- Week 10, 2006
4. 176.25 Ed Schillinger- Week 11, 2006
5. 174.75 Ed Schillinger- Week 14, 2006
6. 174.00 Ed Schillinger- Week 6, 2007
7. 172.75 Ed Schillinger- Week 8, 2006
7. 172.75 Eli Gieryna- Week 9, 2004
9. 171.50 Ed Schillinger- Week 12, 2005
10. 166.75 Drew Wolf- Week 14, 2007

Low Score (Single Game)

1. 42.00 Dave Tomke- Week 5, 2005
2. 47.50 Dave Tomke- Week 9, 2005
3. 49.25 Andrew Hansen- Week 5, 2007
4. 52.00 Andrew Hansen- Week 8, 2007
4. 52.00 Andy Viano- Week 9, 2007
5. 52.25 Dave Tomke- Week 1, 2006
6. 52.50 Andrew Hansen- Week 10, 2005
7. 53.50 Dave Tomke- Week 13, 2008
8. 56.00 Brent Whitlock- Week 13, 2005
9. 57.75 Andrew Stem- Week 9, 2006
9. 57.75 Dave Tomke- Week 1, 2005

High Score (Season)

1. 2032.00 Ed Schillinger- 2006
2. 1850.25 Ed Schillinger- 2005
3. 1752.75 Eli Gieryna- 2004
4. 1695.25 Dave Tomke- 2007
5. 1675.50 Brent Whitlock- 2007
6. 1651.75 Drew Wolf- 2007
7. 1648.25 Andy Viano- 2004
8. 1630.75 Andrew Stem- 2007
9. 1630.50 Drew Wolf- 2004
10. 1625.25 Ed Schillinger- 2004

Most Points in a Loss

1. 160.50 Ed Schillinger- Week 6, 2006 (vs. Eli Gieryna)
2. 141.75 Eli Gieryna- Week 10, 2004 (vs. Drew Wolf)
2. 141.75 Brent Whitlock- Week 9, 2004 (vs. Eli Gieryna)
3. 141.00 Dave Tomke- Week 13, 2007 (vs. Drew Wolf)
4. 135.75 Andy Viano- Week 9, 2006 (vs. Ed Schillinger)
5. 134.00 Drew Wolf- Week 6, 2007 (vs. Ed Schillinger)
6. 132.00 Eli Gieryna- Week 11, 2004 (vs. Ed Schillinger)
6. 132.00 Baron Brendel- Week 12, 2006 (vs. Brent Whitlock)
7. 131.75 Andrew Stem- Week 12, 2007 (vs. JR Radcliffe)
8. 130.25 Ed Schillinger- Week 13, 2005 (vs. JR Radcliffe)
9. 128.50 Ed Schillinger- Week 2, 2007 (vs. Andrew Stem)

Largest Margin of Victory

1. 117.50 Ed Schillinger- Week 9, 2005
2. 95.00 Ed Schillinger- Week 10, 2006
3. 92.00 Ed Schillinger- Week 8, 2006
4. 88.00 Ed Schillinger- Week 5, 2005
5. 76.00 Brent Whitlock- Week 12, 2008
6. 75.50 Andrew Stem- Week 4, 2005
7. 74.00 Ed Schillinger- Week 13, 2008
8. 73.50 Ed Schillinger- Week 12, 2006
9. 73.25 Brent Whitlock- Week 1, 2005
10. 72.75 Ed Schillinger- Week 14, 2005
10. 72.25 Dave Tomke- Week 6, 2008

Smallest Margin of Victory

1. 0.50 Radcliffe def. Gieryna- Week 14, 2004
1. 0.50 Radcliffe def. Schillinger- Week 1, 2007
1. 0.50 Gieryna def. Radcliffe- Week 5, 2007
1. 0.50 Viano def. Radcliffe- Week 6, 2007
2. 0.75 Whitlock def. Viano- Week 1, 2006
2. 0.75 Stem def. Souzek- Week 2, 2006
2. 0.75 Schillinger def. Souzek- Week 3, 2006
6. 1.00 Whitlock def. Viano- Week 10, 2004
7. 1.25 Wolf def. Brendel- Week 8, 2006
7. 1.25 Viano def. Wolf- Week 11, 2006
7. 1.25 Wolf def. Tomke- Week 13, 2007
9. 1.50 Wolf def. Brendel- Week 3, 2007
10. 1.75 Whitlock def. Stem- Week 7, 2004
10. 1.75 Stem def. Tomke- Week 3, 2006

Consecutive Wins

1. 10 Ed Schillinger- Week 1- Week 10, 2008
2. 8 Ed Schillinger- Week 7- Week 14, 2006
2. 8 Andy Viano- Week 2-9, 2004
2. 8 Andrew Stem- Week 1- Week 8, 2007
3. 7 Andrew Stem- Week 1-7, 2005
3. 7 JR Radcliffe- Week 8-14, 2005
3. 7 Brent Whitlock- Week 7- Week 13, 2007
4. 6 Ed Schillinger- Week 1-6, 2005
5. 5 Drew Wolf- Week 10-14, 2004
5. 5 Ed Schillinger- Week 1-Week 5, 2006
5. 5 Andy Viano- Week 4- Week 9, 2006
5. 5 JR Radcliffe- Week 6- Week 11, 2006
5. 5 Drew Wolf- Week 1- Week 5, 2007
5. 5 Brent Whitlock- Week 1- Week 5, 2008
5. 5 Eli Gieryna- Week 8- Week 12, 2008

Consecutive Losses

1. 9 Lincoln Souzek- Week 6- Week 14, 2006
2. 8 Andrew Stem- Week 2-9, 2004
3. 7 Dave Tomke- Week 3-9, 2005
3. 7 Lincoln Souzek- Week 5-11, 2005
4. 6 Lincoln Souzek- Week 9-14, 2004
4. 6 Dave Tomke- Week 1-Week 6, 2006
4. 6 Baron Brendel- Week 3- Week 8
5. 5 JR Radcliffe- Week 3-7, 2005
5. 5 Andrew Stem- Week 6- Week 11, 2006
5. 5 Ed Schillinger- Week 8- Week 12, 2007
5. 5 Andy Viano- Week 1- Week 5, 2008
5. 5 JR Radcliffe- Week 6- Week 10, 2008
5. 5 Adam Welty- Week 10- Week 14, 2008

Games over 100 Points (VUFSA All-Time average is 105.08 pts/gm)

1. Ed Schillinger- 55
2. Eli Gieryna- 44
3. Brent Whitlock- 44
4. Drew Wolf- 43
5. Andy Viano- 42
6. Andrew Stem- 39
7. JR Radcliffe- 35
8. Dave Tomke- 31
9. Adam Welty- 24
10. Baron Brendel- 19

Franchise Win-Loss

1. Ed Schillinger 50-20
2. Drew Wolf 41-29
3. Andrew Stem 39-31
4. Brent Whitlock 38-32
5. Andy Viano 37-33
6. JR Radcliffe 35-35
7. Eli Gieryna 32-38
8. Dave Tomke 23-33
9. Baron Brendel 21-35
10. Adam Welty 18-52

I'm tired of looking at that stupid Tony Romo post by Tomke, so here's a picture of Kristen Bell bending over.

The Evolution of Tony Romo

"It says in the Bible or something that a dude will come to lead them, and now that they sort of have their shit together, they have Tony Romo to lead them. It's biblical."
-JR Radcliffe, Oct. 23, 2006

"I have a feeling that Dave is pulling our leg with the Tony Romo start."
-Edwin Schillinger, Oct. 26, 2006

"Tony Romo is going to be kept over Eli Manning. NO ONE saw that coming a month ago."
-Drew Wolf, Nov. 27, 2006

"Obviously, it's another nice VUFSA joke-turned-famous, but he's really not anything better than a middle-range quarterback."
-The Gun, Dec. 14, 2006

"We all laughed at Tomke when he oozed over Tony Romo, a useless backup quarterback and threatened to start him when he had much better options. In the end, Romo has become the better option in virtually all cases."
-JR Radcliffe, Sept. 25, 2007

"That whole Tony Romo lovefest is getting old."
-JR Radcliffe, Oct. 9, 2007

Power Index 10.15

Nice Hat, Dave

1. Stanton for Heisman (4-2, PI: 80)

A staggering index this far into the season for David. Should, for all intents and purposes be 6-0, with a low score of 105 so far. Only two losses have been against only two opponents who have hit triple digits.

2. Unending Hyperbole (3-3, PI: 70)

Last week's performance was a tremendous deviation from the excellent path that Baron had been on. He can't really afford to have slip ups like that, with opponents averaging 114.75 points in games against him. Plays the four lowest scoring teams in the league the next four games.

3. Tom Waddle (6-0, PI: 69)

Has been on a nice roll the last four weeks- averaging 120 points per game. Is the last remaining undefeated partly because of that roll, but more credit goes to an opponent's per game average of 85.33 points, the weakest total in the VUFSA.

4. ChamPeons (5-1, PI: 63)

Mostly steady all year long, has brought in reinforcements to finish up a tough stretch and solidify status as a playoff favorite. Move looked great after Joseph Addai was to miss a couple weeks, but not as good when Willie Parker re-injured himself. Still, with Dominic Rhodes emerging off of the waiver wire, may have time to wait out Waiver Wire Willie.

5. G-Rock's Horse Roids (5-1, 59)

Keeping everything in perspective- this was an enormous win for Stem. Sits two games up on a playoff spot after handing Champ his first loss. Like Waddle, has benefited from light resistance- opponents average 89.25 points against him, 2nd lowest total in the league.

6. The Best Loser (2-4, PI: 46)

Record aside, Welty has had a great first six games of his VUFSA football career. This week was the first time he got to play an opponent who racked up less than 100 points. Unfortunately- seems like a longshot that he'll make a playoff appearance despite the strong showing(s). Sits two games back of 4th, but has tremendous tiebreaker hurdles to overcome, having to climb over both Baron and Dave, teams 1 and 2 in points.

7. Not Good (1-5, PI: 33)

It's only week six, and Eli's collected two 3rd rounders, the two best QBs of this decade, a preseason top-5 back and a preseason top-3 WR. His team's performance on the "field" may be subpar, but his performance in the marketplace is unparalelled.

8. CatastrophicOilSpill (1-5, PI: 30)

The first win did not come easily, as Viano almost got Thundered for the second straight week. I like the Brandon Jacobs addition, as he looks like an absolute beast this year. As long as the Giants use him right, and continue their ascent to the NFL's elite offenses, Jacobs may yet live up to his one-time VUFSA folk-hero status.

9. The 2002 Bengals (2-4, PI: 26)

The two game winning streak comes to a screeching halt with the low-score of the week. Still has not posted a point total in the top five of any individual week, the only team in the league with that distinction.

10. Phil Dawson's Dawgs (1-5, PI: 24)

Braylon Edwards is back, and Ryan Grant is slowly coming around. Still, this is a tremendous hole, and is averaging 29 points less per game than last season's career high.

Week 6 Recap

Pardon the Interruption boys and girls, I'm Tony Kornheiser and here's your VUFSA Week 6 Recap. Can you believe it Jaws?

G-Rock's Horse Roids: 108.50
ChamPeons: 84.25

This was without question the game of the week. I mean, you have Champ- who hasn't lost since LAST YEAR, falling short in a game where every single one of his players got hurt. On the other side, you have Aaron Rodgers, who is replacing Brett Farve and Tom Brady SIMULTANEOUSLY, playing the best football of anyone in the entire universe right now. This game was worth staying up until 8:30p for, even though I'm exhausted today.

ROCK: Adrian Peterson, who was suppsed to be the best player in Fantasy Football this year, rushed for 111 yards but only had FIVE POINTS! Jaws, have you ever seen someone rush for more than 100 yards- against the Lions- and only score five points? I guess that that doesn't matter when you have Thomas Jones- who I thought retired until Brett Farve got traded to the Jets- had about 75 points this week to carry Andrew Stem's team. Larry Fitzgerald, who plays on a recent expansion team is a very good football player and all- but CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MUCH HAIR HE HAS?

MVP So Far: Adrian Peterson, who set a record in a game last year for yards!

CHM: With all that has happened in New Orleans over the years, it's good to see Drew Brees lifting the city's spirit and playing amazing football right now. If the season ended today, he very well would get considered for MVP. Matt Forte, A ROOKIE, has been incredible for the defending VUFSA Bowl Champs. Here's what I don't understand- basic concepts of football. What I also don't understand, is subtlety. One more thing I don't quite get is how Joseph Addai- who plays for the HIGH FLYING Colts- scores ZERO points while his team wins by a gillion. TO has a quiet game- which is about the only quiet thing he's done in about 30 years! (fake laughter from all)

MVP So Far: Drew Brees, who was great last year and is still good right now.

Tom Waddle: 128.75
Unending Hyperbole: 78.50

This was supposed be a great. game. I don't know what happened to Hyperbole. This is a team averaging 119.35 points per game, and then this happens! This just goes to show you- when it comes to the National Football League, none of us know anything. I've said this 5 million times- NO ONE IN THE MEDIA CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE OF THE SPORTS WE COVER!

WAD: Jaws- can you believe that Kurt Warner is still starting? He's like 60 years old! He's great- and you know I love him, but he is averaging, and I looked this up, 7 turnovers per game! I will say this though, that doesn't matter, because 15.50 points is still a solid point total. Did you see Bernard Berrian running down the field yesterday? Only the Lions could allow 14.50 points to a wide receiver- ON THE VIKINGS! (zing!) I will say this- I get paid an obscene amount of money to broadcast the most viewed television program on cable, and I can't tell you who Roddy White is or what team he plays for. And he scored 15.50 points....against the BEARS, who I believe are a very good defense.

MVP So Far: Ronnie Brown. The Wildcat offense is sweeping the NFL. It is a COPY. CAT LEAGUE.

HYP: Lemme ask you something- doesn't Michael Turner lead the National Football League in rushing yards? Didn't he have like, 400 yards in the first game of the season? Doesn't he have about 24 touchdowns so far? He used to be a BACKUP to LaDanian Tomlinson. What is he doing scoring just five points? He was playing the Bears, who I believe are a below average defense. Frank Gore, who plays under Mike Martz who loves to pass the ball, had a YUUUGE day with 18.00 points. Laverneus Coles had seven points, and he's become the favorite target of Brett Farve. I actually remember talking to Brett back in 1993, when he was first contemplating retirement and he told me, he LOVES PLAYING THE GAME! Have you ever seen someone play the game....with as much flair as Farve? I mean, he's like a little kid out there. I know he throws a zillion interceptions, but that. is what. you get. with Brett. Farve. He could probably play the game until he is 50! I don't know about you, but when I was 50, I couldn't stay up past 4pm, let alone PLAY IN THE NFL! (har har har)

MVP So Far: Brett Farve.

Stanton for Heisman!: 153.25
Not Good: 81.00

You can't predict what is going to happen week to week, and here's why. Eli scored a bazillion points last week, and this week, just 81! Meanwhile, we see Tomke just crushing everybody. He reminds me of the Steelers of the 1970s with the way his is just IMPOSING HIS WILL on his opponents. Jaws- you know what it's like to play in the NFL- how hard is it to play when the other team is scoring SO MANY POINTS?

SFH: [break from mediocre character peice] Dave has an excellent team, but he already knows that. He doesn't need me to talk about it. So, for those of you who weren't fortunate enough to see the wonder that is the Lion offense, here's what you missed:

"JAWS, I've seen quarterbacks run out of bounds before, but not in the END ZONE! Have ever SEEN anything like that?"

Notice: Jared Allen all over that shit. /break

MVP So Far: Tony Romo! He's dating a blonde bombshell. He's the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. He's been to two pro bowls. And he was UNDRAFTED! He wasn't even kept last season! He's also got one month off.

[Tomke] CHAD PENNINGTON MOTHERFUCKERS! I DIDN'T EVEN DROP THE LIONS THIRD STRING QB TO PICK HIM UP /Tomke

NG: Can you believe how "NOT GOOD" this team has been? (fake laughter) I mean, just about everything that can go wrong has. Roy Williams has fallen off the planet. DeAngelo Williams had 78 points last week on the bench and then scores three when he starts. He trades Maurice Jones-Drew to Dave, and HE EXPLODES in a game against him. Jaws, do you think players pay closer attention to games they play against their former teams? It always seems like they play better in those games. Except for Randy Moss and Steve Slaton. You have to start wondering if The Gun is just cursed. I mean HE HAS SUCH BAD LUCK. I have never, EVER seen anything like this.

MVP So Far: PEYTON. MANNING. People want to talk about his little brother, who plays for the Super Bowl Champion New Yawk Giants, but people forget that Peyton won the Super Bowl the year before! I mean, have there EVER. been brothers who won consecutive Super Bowl MVPs before? Jaws?

CatastrophicOilSpill: 105.50
Phil Dawson's Dawgs: 103.25

COS: We all remember when Kyle Orton came into the league. He was a guy who was kind of confused, who had pictures of him floating all over the internet and a guy who was asked to manage the game which we all know is code for "don't screw it up." (har har har) Now you look at the guy- with that goofy beard all over his neck, and he's ONE OF THE BEST QBs IN THE LEAGUE! I mean, did you ever see that happening? Patrick Crayton, Steve Breaston and Lance Moore all had great games this week. When I first saw those three names, I didn't even know they were football players! I thought they were singers in one of those "boy bands" that my daughter keeps going on about. Matter of fact, I think Lance Moore was one of the cuts on IDOL last year, but that's only because Simon CRUSHED HIM after a subpar rendition of "Hey Jude" which is not in fact a song about that British guy that my wife wants to have sex with.

MVP So Far: Greg Jennings whoever that is.

PDD: Philip Rivers TORE his ACL last year and threw THREE touchdowns this week! Jaws-- you played quarterback in the National Football League- did you EVER throw three touchdowns *in ONE GAME* ten months after tearing the most important ligament in your leg? Now, I play fantasy football but I don't claim to be an expert. But isn't the purpose of the game to score POSITIVE points? Someone needs to tell Drew that, because he had a guy who scored NEGATIVE POINTS! I know Fred Taylor is about 50 years old, but I can't see how that happens. Braylon Edwards and the Browns have been such a disappointment- so many of us in the media thought they could go to the SUPER bowl. They were bad for a while and we forgot about them. THEN, Braylon and the Browns had a nice game this week, so it just goes to show you that when it comes to the National Football League- none of us know anything.

MVP So Far: Philip Rivers has thrown 14 touchdown passes and he has to be the MVP. If you pressed me on this, I pick him because he's simply had the most value of all the players on this club.

New Berlin Quizno's: 107.75
2002 Bengals: 72.50

I actually don't care much for Quizno's, and I'm not even sure their IS an "Old Berlin"- and I know about old!- so I don't really know how this team name makes sense. On the other side, JR's team played really, really bad.

NBQ: Marion Barber, who just runs OVER people, had a huge game on Sunday and I don't know if you heard this, but his teammate Tony Romo is out for a MONTH with a broken pinkie. Jaws- I don't know about you, but I think that a pinkie injury has to be the most emasculating thing that can happen to a quarterback in the National Football League. I mean, you've got all these big strong guys around you, and you sit here as the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys who is out with an injury to his smallest finger. Correll Buckhalter, who I believe just played in his first game ever in the NFL, had 22.50 points! He is keeping the Eagles competitive in the only thing that can actually get my dick hard, the NFC East. And Joe Gibbs is back in NASCAR!

MVP So Far: Brett Farve. Can you believe he almost REE-TIE-URD before this year? And now here he is FLOURISHING outside of Green Bay. It's unbelievable. Simply cannot be believed.

BEN: Now I know bad. I've actually had to listen to myself call Monday Night Football. But this week was bad. Somebody named Chanci Stuckey started for this team this week, and as far as I'm concerned, he was a syphilitic hobo last week! The real story here though is the maturation of Eli Manning, who some people are starting to wonder about: is he better than his brother Peyton Manning? They've both got their Super Bowl rings now, and to be honest with you, I couldn't pick one right now. Jaws- do you think you could pick a Manning? Outside of Cooper the retarded one, of course.

MVP So Far: I really don't know, because I was supposed to be in bed about three hours ago! (guffaw) I'll just say Eli Manning, but I'll say it with a combination of awe and confusion.

Power Rankings 10.01

Go Cubs

1. Unending Hyperbole (2-2, Power Index: 83)

Baron holds onto the top spot in large part to the fact that his point total still tops all others. Deserved a win this week, and should absolutely be undefeated.

2. Stanton For Heisman! (3-1, PI: 80)

Dave has been really, really good thus far, and has a massive matchup against Champ this week.

3. ChamPeons (4-0, PI: 69)

Champ's next three opponents are a combined 11-1.

4. G-Rock Horse Roids (4-0, PI: 61)

High score of the week, and stays unbeaten after first true challenge this week. Welty was the first of Stem's opponent to crack 80 points.

5. Tom Waddle (4-0, PI: 58)

Conquered foes are a combined 2-10.

6. Winslow's Warriors (1-3, PI: 52)

It's been a very rude welcome for the rookie, with teams averaging 117.63 points against, highest mark in the league.

7. 1996 Jets (1-3, PI: 28)

With a win over Viano next week, the path is clear for the 2002 Bengals. Like those Bengals, could probably acquire Carson Palmer for free. Not that he should, but he could.

8. Smelly Turd (0-4, PI: 25)

Next three matches are against the the other teams under the 400 point mark.

9. Phil Dawson's Dawgs (1-3, PI: 22)

Is 1-0 while scoring over 100 points. Is also 1-0 when opponents held under 70 points. I'm bored now.

10. Hurricane Zambrano (0-4, PI: 19)

Has lost eight straight games dating back to last season.

Week 4 Recap

The glorious return of Baron Brendel to VUFSA blogging has inspired me to pen a recap. Hopefully time for a Power Rankings later before the ulcer that will be October baseball sets in for most of the league, myself exceptionally included.

Baron Brendel continues to prove that he is for real, while Dave continues to own bitches. Three teams escape still unbeaten, while two powerhouse owners inexplicably continue to struggle. Let's review and look ahead now that 25% of the season is done.

Unending Hyperbole: 111.25
Champeons: 122.50

Two of the league's top three scoring teams put on a hell of a ballgame, separated by next to nothing for most of the weekend. Brendel had to have felt good going into Monday Night (good enough to write a game preview) before the man who coined the phrase "Monday Night Thunder" brought some noise of his own late in the game.

HYP (2-2): The stunningly quick demise of Carson Palmer continues, but luckily for Baron, Jason Campbell (21.o0) has ascended to a top-10 QB. The Skins QB is getting hot as his team does, and can be considered an every-week starter at this point. The MVP for Baron this week, however, is undoubtedly Loveyouranus Coles (27.00) who caught half of Brett Farve's TD passes this week, also topping 100 yards. Frank Gore (12.50 ) had a decent day, but probably left some points on the field since he was playing the Saints. Brandon Marshall had another great game, but lost four points from his total b/c of a fumble, and quirkily, -11 rush yards. Jared Allen with a stout point and a half.

What's next: No real reason to think the scoring onslaught will slow down, but Baron could use some good fortune going forward, with a couple of hard-luck losses. Will have some decisions to make at RB, with keeper LenDale White now a goal-line specialist, Deuce McAllister's resurrection and Darren McFadden's injury. Still a major contender.

CHM (4-0): Champ fell out of contention briefly, watching Coles' three second-quarter TDs, only to have his own Jet WR Jerricho Cotchery (17.00) roar back with two of his own later on that same game. With both of his keeper RBs (Addai, Westbrook) not in action this week, Whitlock's WRs stepped up and won this matchup. In addition to Cotchery, Terrell Owens (13.50) and Muhsin Muhammed (17.00) had enormous games. Drew Brees (28.25) gets MVP honors nonetheless, with a monster game.

What's next: A repeat title? Champ has everything going his way, winning a game with crippling byes. Is loaded.

G-Rock's Horse Roids: 129.50
Winslow's Warriors: 108.50

Another virtual thriller until very late, where newcomer Adam Welty continues his very strong showing in VUFSA football despite a historically inaccurate team name. VUFSA Historians will note that Winslow's proper name is "Tricycle Soldier." But that was back when people paid attention. To things other than Eli's smack talk.

ROCK (4-0): No shit Adrian Peterson (20.50) would find a way to pile up big points against (maybe) the league's best defense, but Edgerrin James (19.50) approaching 20 points after his team trailed by 35 at halftime came from nowhere. If that wasn't enough, you know things are going your way when Lee Evans (13.00) comes through in a game when you really need him to. Larry Fitzgerald (10.00) had another great game despite no TD, and is in line for an increase in his already stellar production if Anquan Boldin misses significant time. Lamarr Woodley's (19.75) 9 point play in the third quarter of MNF slammed the door in the face of Thunder.

What's next: Amazingly, Stem should march through most of the next 3/4s in playoff contention despite not really replacing Tom Brady. That QB spot may be what ultimately keeps him out of the playoffs, unless of course Stem moves on Kyle Orton.

WW (1-3): When it happened, I thought Dave made the best pick in the draft with Steve Slaton (not that he didn't- more on that later). After a quarter of the season, rookie Chris Johnson (19.00) may take that crown away. The young Titan basically matched Adrian Peterson and kept this team in the game. The entire KC-DEN game had to be disappointing for the Broncos, and Jay Cutler's (14.25) pair INTs and single TD kept him from what should have been a huge game. Eddie Royal (6.50) was the benefactor of a lot of Cutler's passing yards, but lost a fumble. Antonio Gates (10.50) did exactly what he should be doing every week, while Chad Johnson did exactly what he used to do every week. Earnest Graham (17.50) has to be mentioned.

What's next: Hard to say. This is undoubtedly one of the most consistent, talented, albeit suprising teams in the league, and has suffered some pretty awful luck to this point. The keeper situation is in very good shape, so there's no benefit to looking to 2009 yet. Still a lot of games to play.

Tom Waddle: 112.75 Sucky McSucks: 89.75

Andy Viano was decimated by bye weeks and injuries this week, yet put up a respectable point total. An injury to Willis McGahee and a Santonio Holmes TD put the game away on Monday night, after a strong 4p showing by Schill's RBs.

WAD (4-0): I am still aghast by Kurt Warner's turnover output, but can't really bitch too much about a 13 point day, all things considered. Steve Smith (13.00) had a very strong game as he works his way into the 2008 season. That's all fine and good, but it was an old formula that lead Edwin to a win this week: rely on two superhuman efforts from stud RBs. LaDanian Tomlinson (23.50) took his time, but eventually lit up the Raiders. Steven Jackson (22.50) finally hit the end zone, as the Rams offense "showed some life" as they rallied around a fierce hatred for their now-former coach.

What's next: Playoff contention, and if can get consistency out of the WR corps, will be very good down the stretch. Needs to make sure to get at least 14 games out of the fragile QB tandem that inhabits the roster at this point.

SMS (0-4): Missing Peyton Manning, Willie Parker, Julius Jones and Anthony Gonzalez, simply could not find enough replacements. Darren Sproles (3.50) was mostly invisible while LDT took over, and JT O'Sullivan (8.50) had some turnover problems of his own. Sidney Rice (0.50) almost didn't play, but did his job and matched Vernon Davis half-point for half-point. Greg Jennings (20.00) continues his awesome season, but has to be worried about Aaron Rodgers' shoulder. Jason Witten (13.50) also performed admirably.

What's Next: 2009. Possibly time to turn over aging keeper corps, though will be hard to deal stalwarts like Peyton and Waiver Wire Willie. With baseball season over, we may see a return to the Andy Viano who JR once described as "a shark" when it comes to transactions.

Stanton for Heisman!: 115.50
Phil Dawson's Dawgs: 91.25

Missing two good WRs and his starting TE, Dave finds a way to make quick work of a Drew Wolf team that had some momentum coming into this week. The most compelling battle of this game, oddly, was the dueling Texans- combining for 36 points.

SFH (3-1): The aforementioned Steve Slaton (17.00) came through big time this week, catching eight balls and a TD pass. Second-rounder Kevin Smith now sits behind Rudi Johnson on the depth chart, meaning Slaton's role for Dave's juggernaut will only increase. Probably a good thing Smith lost his job though, because the Lions are going to get sodomized next week. Tony Romo (28.00) was fantastic in his team's worst game of the year, piling up 300 yards and three scores to put space between Stanton! and the Dawgs. Jim Zorn's offense has been a boon to Tomke, with a rejuvanated Clinton Portis (13.00) and Santana Moss (11.00). Reggie Bush (5.50) sucks again, I guess.

What's next: WORLD FUCKING DOMINATION YOU COCKSUCKERS!!!!! I COULD START TONY ROMO'S TAINT SWEAT AT FLEX AND BEAT YOUR PEICE OF SHIT TEAMS BY 45 POINTS. Matt Millen got fired this week, so the Lions can be sweet again. Eat. Shit. I am so goddamn awesome.

DAWG (1-3): When Kevin Walter (19.00) is carrying your team, it's bad. When he's the only one in double digits, it's a disaster. Ryan Grant (0.00) continues to struggle after his foolish training camp holdout. That's what living in Green Bay will do to your brain. Philip Rivers (9.50) took a small step back this week, but had still had a decent game, minus the turnovers. Braylon Edwards (8.50) finally scored a touchdown, but that play was 1/3rd of his catch total on the day. He had 22 yards. Tony Gonzalez (9.50) continues to be a bright spot.

What's next: A late-season push. Drew has never been one to all-out rebuild, and I honestly thought this team turned a corner last week. There's still a lot of talent here, and you have to figure that Ryan Grant will get stronger as the season wears on. Has a budding star at QB, plus Marques Colston coming back in a few weeks. It won't be easy, but there's a lot to work with. His next two opponents have a combined zero wins. Stay tuned.

The 1976 Buccaneers: 108.25
Hurricane Zambrano: 72.25

I honestly can't decide which of the above numbers is more surprising. I am honestly befuddled.

76 (1-3): No Plax, no Wayne, and no alternative to Derek Anderson. It matters not, because Larry Johnson (31.00) played Sunday's game in 2006. Jamal Lewis (14.00) was very solid and Johnathan Stewart (11.00) won the battle of Carolina backs. Chanci Stuckey (1.00) was forced into action and somehow was the only Jet WR not to have an impact in that game. Antwaan Randle El (9.00) and even Reggie Brown (6.00) filled in admirably for the bye week studs. Reports are good on Anquan Boldin (13.50) which is very good because what happened to him was very scary.

What's next: The 2007 Miami Dolphins, probably. Or maybe the 1996 Jets. Or the 1989 Cowboys. Regardless, there's a glimmer of hope in the season now, especially with Larry Johnson back for now. Eli Manning may take over at QB, while the WRs remain very strong. Johnathan Stewart is emerging. It's far from impossible, however improbable.

Z (0-4): I find myself just wanting to apologize as I write this. I'll keep it brief. Chris Perry (2.00) needed to do more against a weak Browns team. Midget-Jones Drew needed to do more against a bad Texans team. Antonio Bryant (3.50)) went from 18 looks last week to four catches this week. Ronald Curry (0.50) could not fill in for either Roy Williams or Marvin Harrison. Donald Driver (0.50) was left out while Greg Jennings had a big game. On the plus side, Isaac Bruce continues to be a fantasy asset.

What's next: I'm guessing fire sale, if not now then sometime. It's a shame, but this season can't even be chalked up to bad luck in results, just good players underperforming.

Weather Forecast – September 29

Baron Brendel steps to the plate and previews the Steelers-Ravens MNF Contest

Tom Waddle 102.25
Sucky McSucks 84.25

With the Steelers only giving up 64 yards per game on the ground, Willis McGahee will not have the monster night Viano needs him to have in order to win this game. Plus, Santonio Holmes will keep widening the margin in Ed’s favor as the night progresses.

Chance of Thunder – 18%


The 1976 Buccaneers 108.25
Hurricane Zambrano 48.00

JR has no players taking the field tonight, but he is in no danger of losing this game. Even if James Harrison has the biggest game by a defender this season, Eli would need Big Ben to score 44 points.

Chance of Thunder – 0%


Phil Dawson’s Dawgs 81.25
Stanton for Heisman! 115.50

Tomke goes into Monday night with a nice lead over Drew, but the Wolfman has the mighty Derrick Mason playing tonight. Unfortunately, Mason has Joe Flacco throwing to him.

Chance of Thunder – 2%


Winslow’s Warriors 107.75
G-Rock’s Horse Roids 109.75

This is a close game that sees each squad send a defender out tonight. If the aging Ed Reed intercepts a pass tonight for Welty things will get interesting. Stem should see Lamarr Woodley get plenty of chances to rack up tackles against the Ravens running game. This one will stay close all night.

Chance of Thunder – 50%


Unending Hyperbole 107.25
ChamPeons 108.00

In the closest match of the week, Baron and Champ will both send skill players into battle tonight. La’Ron McClain had a nice game last week, but he won’t repeat against the Steelers defense. Baron sends out a tight end and a receiver and could overcome the slim deficit with just points from receptions.

Chance of Thunder – 86%

Power Rankings 9.17

I'm bringing the power rankings back because I am a fan of not only blog activity, but of extremely easy posts. I've removed all judgment from the rankings, and am ordering on a strict mathematical algorithm. Teams get rated based on a Power Index (1-100), which is in no way complicated nor difficult to figure. It's also predicated on a larger sample size, so right now it's mostly a listing of teams in order of points scored. Whatever. It looks cool. Even if it doesn't- fuck you. I'm trying.

1. Unending Hyperbole (1-1) Power Index: 89

Bust through Week 2: Carson Palmer. There was a time when the Bengals ginger QB was untouchable and one of the premier players in the league. Now Baron can't give him away and he's about to get benched because he's playing the Giants.

2. Who is Ron Mexico (2-0) PI: 83

BTW2: Randy Moss? Yet to be seen, but Moss had a terrible first week with Matt Cassell, and has a history of quitting teams that can't get him the ball. Or so I've heard. This is probably premature, because he played the Jets this week, and they have a habit of making games look like Brandi Timmerman.

3. ChamPeons (2-0) PI: 72

BTW2: Todd Heap. Hurt by the unexpected bye week, leaving him at -2.50 through two games. With John Carlson the other option, Heap needs to not be shitty.

4. Brush Limbaugh (1-1) PI: 67

BTW2: Chad Johnson. Chad's struggled through slumps before, but usually because of attention going to other offensive players. His team is miserable and he's probably legally insane. His elite days could be over.

5. G-Rock's Horse Roids (2-0) PI: 61

BTW2: Joey Galloway. The 4th round pick seemed a decent value, but his age combined with the involvement of Brian Griese means don't expect much more from here.

6. Tom Waddle (2-0) PI: 39

BTW2: Santonio Holmes. 1st Rounder and supposed new go-to guy in Pittsburgh has less than five points per week while other Steelers pile up big numbers.

7. The Sports Hernias (0-2) PI: 39

BTW2: Larry Johnson. 9.50 points total and complete disarray in his own locker room. Still a bust, even it it's not all that suprising.

8. ChesneysFirmButtocks (0-2) PI: 39

BTW2: Patrick Crayton. 3rd Rounder doesn't really get in on the action when the Dallas offense puts up big numbers.

9. Hurricane Zambrano (0-2) PI: 11

BTW2: Marvin Harrison. 1st Rounder had average targets in week 1, but lost a fumble, then couldn't get open at all on Sunday.

10. Phil Dawson's Dawgs (0-2) PI: 0

BTW2: Braylon Edwards. As many dropped passes as catches.

Week 2 Recap

Go ahead and do a Google image search for Jay Cutler and see what you get

NFL Week 2 lacks not only the freshness and excitement of Week 1, but it also features a significant drop off in VUFSA Blog writing. Enter me. Damnit, I am rusty.

Wide Receivers struck back after a slow week one, and five kickers put themselves in double digits. Teams 9 and 10 in the preseason poll engaged in an epic duel while teams 1 and 2 desperately tried to outshitty one another. Champ and Tomke took one step closer to world domination, while Eli took one step closer to the ledge.

Brush Limbaugh: 133.25 Unending Hyperbole: 127.50

Just an amazing game between two supposed doormats. Much of the fireworks were provided by the thrilling Denver-San Diego tilt, with 97 points coming from that match. Baron finishes with the 11th most points in a losing effort in VUFSA history.

HYP: Baron, through two weeks, has established himself as a legit contender despite being without the services of a quarterback. A zero from Carson Palmer this week, giving him a whopping 1.75 points on the season. If Baron can fix the QB position (though Jason Campbell probably isn't the answer) there's really no reason to think he can't win 9 or 10 games. Draft afterthought Hines Ward has scored again, while fellow WRs Chris Chambers (18.50) and Brandon Marshall (23.00) were amazing. Darren McFadden (20) showed now why he was worth the #1 overall pick in this year's draft- he's an absolute franchise changing back, who can have a Peterson-like impact on the Brendels if given ample carries. Oh, and Jared Allen almost met his Yahoo projection this week, so watch out.

BRL: An astounding week from Jay Cutler [was/wasn't] enough for the new kid this week, but honestly, he's an outstanding every week play now, and may just be making the leap to superstar before our eyes. Same goes for Chris Johnson (11.50) who is making FatDale White irrelevant. Earnest Graham and Eddie Royal joined Johnson in double digits. Had a huge Monday night, as Marion Barber (22) brought the Thunder, while DeSean Jackson (8.00) provided enough to surpass Baron. Jackson's night could have been better, had he not let go of the football at the one yard line with no one around him.

Match MVP: Jay Cutler. Though Brandon Marshall made up a lot of what Jay did, you cannot deny a 39 point edge at the QB position.

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ChamPeons: 117.50 ChesneysFirmButtocks: 105.25

There was a point on Sunday Night where I thought Viano had like a 90% chance of winning this game. Surely Jason Witten and Patrick Crayton can hold onto a 22 point lead, even against Westbrook and TO, right? Seriously, Monday went as wrong as possible for Viano, as Champ rolled up 5 Touchdowns en route to an easy win.

CHM: Had a subpar Sunday, which saw Justin Gage (11.50) and Amani Toomer (12.00) as two of the team's top three scorers. A zero from a TE, with a below-average Drew Brees (9.50) and Joseph Addai (9.00) made for a miserable 14th when you factor in the Bears collapse. Terrell Owens (17.50) took over the MNF game with two 1st half scores, then Brian Westbrook (28.00) slit Viano's throat, scoring thrice to seal things up. Matt Forte (11.50) remains solid and a worthy first-round pick.

CFB: Had a good day, but sorely misses Willis McGahee. More accurately- misses having his role. Jerious Norwood (2.00) got the nod at RB for CFB, and tallied just six carries against a decent defense. Peyton Manning (12.50) to Anthony Gonzalez (10.50) was solid, as Viano got six guys in double digits. High scorers were Seattle's only survivor Julius Jones (19.00) and Justin Tuck (16.50) who sets a VUFSA high for defenders this week.


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[Censored]: 74.75 G-Rock's Horse Roids: 103.00

I thought about calling this an upset, but I'm sure that Eli would choke me if I did. It's still a suprise, not only that Stem can win convincingly without Tom Brady, but that Eli couldn't break out of his slump. I'm sure he's saving it for me next week.

[expletive]: A windy Sunday night didn't help Ben Roethlisberger, who was being counted on for more than 12 points against the dismal Cleveland secondary. The dismal Browns also led to a small week from Kellen Winslow (5.50). Brandon Jacobs was impressive despite not getting into the end zone, and Donald Driver (11.50) was also a bright spot. Those performances are rendered moot however, as this game was really decided by a pair of Lions. Calvin Johnson had a monster game, while Roy Williams (3.50) disappeared. For all intents and purposes, each of Johnson's touchdowns represented a 12 point swing in the game, burying team [profanity].

GRHR: There's reason to believe that after the death of Tom Brady and LaDanian Tomlinson, the torch has officially been passed to Adrian Peterson (19.00) as the greatest active fantasy football weapon. The aforementioned domination by Calvin Johnson (21.50) looks to be a trend after two massive weeks to start the season. Despite the Lions' air attack, Jon Kitna's point total (13.50) was modest because he goes color blind in the fourth quarter sometimes. Larry Fitzgerald (10.00) had a very nice game, but one can't help but feel was capable of so much more, with real-life teammate Anquan Boldin stealing all of Arizona's scores. Still, the fact that they can both produce simultaneously is good news for Stem. Thomas Jones (8.00) remains serviceable.

Match MVP: Calvin Johnson, not only because he was dominant, but because of his defense against Roy Williams.

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The Sports Hernias: 92.25 Who is Ron Mexico?: 115.00

Tomke wins his first ever game against JR despite a breathtaking performance by the JR wide receiving corps. The win keeps Tomke in first place, but he has fewer points than Baron, so slow that boner, Dave.

TSH: In the preseason, everyone slobbered over JR's receivers, and now we see why. Anquan Boldin (28.00) was amazing, while Reggie Wayne (13.00) and Plaxico Burress (12.50) each scored touchdowns for the second straight week. The problem lies in the backfield, where the corpse of Larry Johnson (2.00) decomposes, slowing up Jamal Lewis (5.50) and Selvin Young (7.50). Weak TE and Flex performances hurt, but the disappointment of Derek Anderson (1.50) is what crippled the herniated ones.

WIRM: Clinton Portis (22.00) and Torry Holt (12.00) find their 2004 selves and pace Dave this week. Reggie Bush (14.50) still sucks at running after handoffs, but is a real impact player in the VUFSA this season. Tony Romo (23.25) continued his ascent to best active Fantasy QB. Randy Moss (2.00) was bad in his first full game with Matt Cassel, and while that's worrisome for Tomke, it's to early to declare Moss' season all but over. That and Jeremy Shockey's (-1.00) shitty were the only things lacking this week.

Match MVP: Anquan Boldin. He was simply amazing in a losing effort.

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Tom Waddle: 82.50 Phil Dawson's Dawgs: 60.00

An ugly, stupid, peice of shit game. Ed sucked barely less than Drew in a game that made us all worse people for having witnessed it.

WAD: Sat three keepers on the bench for this one, watching Bernard Berrian (0.00) and Vernon Davis (0.00) retard up the field. Two RBs didn't finish their game. Did not have a non-QB TD. The only thing that went right (though it went really right) was the decision to bench week 1 superstar Donovan McNabb for Kurt Warner (29.75) who delivered and kept the team afloat.

PDD: There's a ton of bad here. Ryan Grant (2.00) failed to capitalize on his matchup with the Lions, and Laurence Maroney (1.00) was injured mid-game. Four WRs total 8 points. Matt Hasselbeck (2.50) had two late picks. Marshawn Lynch (11.50) has been fine to start the season, but hasn't broken out for a multi-score game, which has to happen soon. This is the lowest output in Wolfman's career, but does not crack the top-10 for all-time lowest scores. Drew has started 0-2 twice before, yet has never missed the playoffs. Don't count him out yet.

Match MVP: None. No one involved will get praise of any sort.
Runner up: Kurt Warner.

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*Edited 9/16 3p
Week Two All-Stars: *which are decided solely on amount of points scored and not Dave's perception of their awesomeness.

QB: Jay Cutler (Welty), 39.00 points
RB: Brian Westbrook (Whitlock), 28.00 points
RB: Clinton Portis (Tomke), 22.00 points
WR: Anquan Boldin (Radcliffe), 28.00 points
WR: Brandon Marshall (Brendel), 23.00 points
WR: Calvin Johnson (Stem), 21.50 points
TE: Tony Gonzalez (Wolf), 10.00 points
W/R: Marion Barber (Welty), 22.00 points
W/T: Chris Chambers (Brendel*), 18.50 points
K: Stephen Gostowski (Gieryna), 13.00 points
D: Justin Tuck (Viano), 16.50 points
D: Patrick Willis (Brendel), 13.00 points
D: Jon Beason (Wolf), 7.75 points

Week 2 Preview

Lilly Molina Collision

Here's a video clip of Ted freaking Lilly railroading the shit out of Yadier Molina. You know, just to get you ready for this week's football action.

On to the previews.

Phil Dawson's Dawgs vs. Tom Waddle

Dramatic narrative voiceover video promo: Ed Schillinger. [video of Ed's face] Drew Wolf. [video of Drew missing a layup while playing WVUR basketball] Valparaiso University [video of Rob Giancola eating chicken fingers in the Wehrenberg cafeteria]. One man left Walgreens. The other still works there. As a manager. [video of Drew smiling in the hygeine aisle] Now they meet. In fantasy football. [video of some shit exploding]
Current Yahoo! projection: Tom Waddle wins, 115.24 to 101.35
Tom Waddle rundown: Waddle has a few nice matchups this week, led by Santonio Holmes against an already-terrible Browns' secondary that just lost their best player. He should have a nice week. Donovan McNabb was outstanding in Week 1, but that was against a bad defense. How will he hold up against a Dallas team that can get to the quarterback? Also, will Steven Jackson be able to overcome a bad team to put up good fantasy numbers? Finally, how will Ed hold up as the Cubs continue to lose ballgames?
The Dawgs rundown: Ryan Grant has a dream matchup against the Lions' run defense, but is currently feeling a little gimpy. If he can stay on the field for 20-plus carries, he'll have a big day. Matt Hasselbeck has a nice opportunity against a suspect 49ers team, but unfortunately, Seattle will be starting Seneca Wallace and Mike Holmgren at wide receiver this week. The Dawgs could also be held down as Braylon Edwards, TJ Houshmandzadeh and Jerricho Cotchery all have difficult matchups this weekend. Drew will need big days from his running backs if he wants to avoid an 0-2 start.
Brad Evans is gay: Yup.

Who is Ron Mexico? vs. The Sports Hernias

Jeremy Bonderman Fact: Did you know that Jeremy Bonderman is the second-youngest player from the state of Washington to make the major leagues? The youngest is Larry Christensen, who played for the Philadelphia Phillies.
Current Yahoo! Projection: Who is Ron Mexico? wins, 106.56 to 105.44.
Who is Ron Mexico? rundown: Four of Tomke's players are taking part in the Washington/New Orleans game this weekend, so he is hoping for a high-scoring affair. It probably won't be, because Washington's offense runs a draw on 70 percent of their plays. Tomke's team does, however, have Tony Romo, who might be the best fantasy quarterback in football now that Tom Brady is done. Tomke will have an advantage in that spot most weeks, though Romo has a tough go of it this week against the Eagles.
The Sports Hernias rundown: JR is getting married really soon and probably doesn't care what happens to his team. Regardless, he has some holes, especially now that Mike Shanahan officially entered his "I'm screwing with fantasy owners" mood, after just one week and has made Selvin Young a committee back. We should just make it impossible to own any Denver running back. Someone always gets screwed. On the plus side, JR's wide receivers all have favorable matchups, so a blowup from one of them could give Radcliffe the edge. Antwaan Randle El in the W/R spot is ugly, though, I have to admit.

G-Rock's Horse Roids vs. Eli's Awful Batch of Pathetic Losers (it won't fit on Yahoo, all right?)

Did you know?: Eli is only owner of the Original Eight who has not made the fantasy football playoffs? Look for that to stay the same this year. Also, did you know that Stem speaks fluent Latin and uses it to get into the pants of Michigan undergrads? Carpe wang, bitches. True story.
Current Yahoo! projection: Eli wins, 114.93 to 102.63
G-Rock's Horse Roids: Obviously, the Tom Brady injury is a huge blow for Stem, as he has gone from a total stud to, well, Trent Edwards. Imagine spending the last few years sleeping with Scarlett Johansson and her suddenly dumping you, forcing you to quickly rebound and climb into bed with David Spade. Yes, the downgrade is that bad. Fortunately for Andrew, he still has some very useful, high-upside pieces in Adrian Peterson, Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald. Things could be far, far worse for him.
CVS/Pharmacy rundown: While this team name pisses off Ed and Drew, they would do the same thing if CVS approached them with a similar offer ($5 off my next prescription and a free soda). Anyway, Ben Roethlisberger should enjoy his day against the Cleveland secondary, and Brandon Jacobs could possibly kill several St. Louis defenders on his way to 400 yards and six touchdowns. Beyond that, meh. This team is mediocre. Much like this recap.

Unending Hyperbole vs. Brush Limbaugh

I can only hope: That Welty's team name is not simply a tribute to his status as a dental school student, but also a tribute to the fact that Rush Limbaugh masturbates with a shower brush while he has phone sex with women half his age. Or was that Bill O'Reilly? I think it was Bill O'Reilly now that I think about it. Ah well. The image is already in your head. Too late.
Current Yahoo! projection: Baron wins, 106.31 to 105.09
Unending Hyperbole rundown: Last week, Baron shoved it up all of our asses when Jared Allen absolutely went berserk for ... oh. Zero points. Forget it. Well, besides that, Baron did win and he had a pretty good week in doing it. Michael Turner looked great against Detroit, but we'll see if he keeps it up throughout the year against real NFL defenses. The return of Brandon Marshall will be another big boost to this team. He's really, really good. And Baron's team is better than we all thought.
Brush Limbaugh rundown: Wildy irreponsible early-season prediction: Jay Cutler will throw for 4,000 yards this year. He looked great last week against a defense that was actually pretty good against the pass last season. Welty also beat everyone to Eddie Royal, who won't explode every week, but should get plenty of looks in the Denver offense and be a solid -- but probably inconsistent -- third wide receiver. If Chris Johnson keeps carving out a larger and larger role down in Tennessee, Brush Limbaugh might have an outside shot at the postseason, which would have been unthinkable under Slick's reign. So far, that pick looks to be the STEAL OF THE DRAFT.

ChamPeons vs. ChesneysFirmButtocks

I am out of first-paragraph introductions: I'm sorry, guys.
Current Yahoo! projection: Viano wins, 99.92 to 99.74. Oooh. Close.
ChamPeons rundown: I think Yahoo is really under-projecting Champ's team this week. There are some concerns with his wide receivers, but now that Matt Forte is the undisputed lead back in Chicago, Champ probably has the best 1-3 RB depth in the league. Drew Brees won't struggle as much as people think without Colston. I think Champ should be over 100 points this week without much of a problem, and grab himself his second win of the year.
ChesneysFirmButtocks rundown: Maurice Morris' injury gives Julius Jones solid RB2 value, which helps Viano cover some of the depth issues his roster had after the draft. Jones might have a very solid week against San Fran. Peyton Manning will likely shake off the rust from last week and return to being Peyton Manning. Buttocks shouldn't count on Willie Parker to score three touchdowns every week, but he will still be better than people expected. Beyond that? There's nothing much else to write about. Except that I don't understand the new team name at all.

Week One Recap

"Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors." -- Frank Gifford

"Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck. " -- Don Shula

"Fucking respect the Lions, bitches!" -- Dave Tomke, prior to kickoff

The new football season has arrived in full glory, bringing us such touchy-feely moments as Aaron Rodgers' Lambeau Leap, Kevin Everett's return to the sideline, Jake Delhomme's harrowing final touchdown and Tom Brady's death. The VUFSA trotted out exciting action, including yet another epic close call, yet another depressing Eli Gieryna moment, and yet another soon-to-be disappointment for Dave Tomke.

It was a terrible week for receivers in general, as Terrell Owens (12.50) had the fourth-best total of any available wideout. Two unheard-of tight ends finished with better totals, and one of the three receivers who finished better didn't start in the VUFSA. That might explain why scores are low.

Let's run down the action, shall we?

Tom Waddle, 98.75

The Sports Hernias, 98.25

One can picture a naked Ed Schillinger, staring at the late-night television and rooting so hard for Selvin Young to stop what he's doing. Lights are off, wife is long asleep, and Schillinger is swearing on every carry. Radcliffe saved lots of Thunder for Monday night, including the league's leading tackler among kickers, but it just wasn't enough. Barring some last-minute Morris loving, The Sports Hernias will have to settle for a close call -- reprising the half-point outcome between these teams that went the other way in 2007's first week.

TW: Schillinger has to feel good with escaping via ugly means in a week that was obviously not his team's best. Donovan McNabb goes off for one of the week's biggest fantasy performances, and tackles by Andre Johnson and Vernon Davis prove to be the difference. LDT and Steven Jackson were essentially AWOL, but not nearly as bad as Santonio Holmes, Roddy White and Chris Cooley. Drafting Mario Williams pays huge dividends, as he scores 12 points. The question for Schillinger is what to expect from Ricky Williams going forward.

TSH: Not a great week, but probably not too far off from what can be expected. Modest performances by Derek Anderson, Anquan Boldin and Selvin Young might improve, but it's not good when Ellis Hobbs is the team's fourth-leading scorer. An early injury to Drew Bennett probably cost Radcliffe the points he needed. If Larry Johnson does not return to some semblance of his former awesomeness, it's going to be a long year.

Match MVP: McNabb. The league's third-highest score from a guy without his top two receivers? Terrifying. But who has Week 2 in the McNabb Injury Pool?

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Unending Hyperbole 110.00,

Tank Johnson's Pizza 87.00

When you consider that Andy Viano had the second-highest scorer in the league this week with Willie Parker, you can imagine how awful the rest of his team must be. Willis McGahee didn't play, and Jabar Gaffney went scoreless to hurt the cause, and Viano's defense somehow only combined for half a point. That's ... impossible? It's a fine win for Baron, who is trying to prove his naysayers wrong by producing the second-highest score of the week.

UH: Nothing came from quarterback Carson Palmer save for two measley points, so it's furthermore impressive that Baron shelled out such a high score. Big reason why: the highest scorer of the week, Michael Turner. The dazzling, record-setting performance was bolstered by big runs against a bad defense, so he probably won't go off like that again. But he certainly didn't appear overmatched as an NFL starter. Frank Gore and Hines Ward contributed greatly, as did Nate Burleson, but Baron is hurt by the latter player's season-ending injury. Question ahead: how do you fill that WR spot? James Hardy was a big zero in the flex spot, and Baron's depth at the position could force a roster move.

TJP: The zeroes in the middle of the scorecard really tell the story, even though Viano got above-average production from Peyton Manning and certainly Parker, who ran rampant. Neil Rackers is the third-leading scorer. Reggie Williams, Ahman Green and that putrid defense did nothing to assist the cause. The 87 points isn't going to be considered among the worst weeks ever, but when you consider 31.50 came from one guy? Ouch.

Match MVP: Turner is the no-brainer. He's on the radar as a fantasy stud, but everyone is going to reserve judgment until a meeting down in Tampa Bay next week.

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G-Rock's Horse Roids 104.00,

Phil Dawson's Dawgs 79,75

Few wins could be more hollow than this one for Andrew Stem, who produced a fine week but lost franchise quarterback Tom Brady for the season with an ACL tear. The good news is that Brady won't be on the injury report each week, now that he's on injured reserve. Stem did, however, back up his loss with the humorous smack talk "Tom Brady is a panzy."

GRHR: As with Baron, the team flexed its muscles this week despite not having a good showing from the quarterback. Brady only amassed 2.75 points before departing, so it was up to other Stem standouts like Adrian Peterson (16.50) and Thomas Jones (17.50) to shoulder the load. Double-digit contributions from Edgerrin James and LaMarr Woodley on defense helped ice the situation. The question for Stem: quarterback. Trent Edwards might have enjoyed a nice little day for Buffalo in week one, but nobody will take him as a serious fantasy threat. Brady's loss is obviously a serious blow to a team that could contend for the VUFSA Bowl title.

PDD: Terrible weeks from receivers Braylon Edwards and TJ Houshmandzadeh hurt Drew Wolf's chances, and nobody else provided anything shocking. Matt Hasselbeck, Marshawn Lynch and Jerricho Cotchery went to double digits, but nothing off the charts. Laurence Maroney and Ryan Grant stayed south of 10 points, a circumstance that might be worrisome since both are still relatively unknown commodities. Hey look, Derrick Mason.

Match MVP: Jones. A suprising side effect of the Brett Favre show in New York was a great day from the ground game. Against Miami, it might be a fluke. But if Jones remains a legit RB2, that's a serious boost.

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Who is Ron Mexico? 113.50,
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot 89.50

Good news for Tomke: his fantasy team is way better than his real-life team. Though not everyone fully clicked on the Tomkino's roster, plenty was there to ward off pesky Welty, who was hampered by an injury to Marion Barber when the Dallas RB was in the midst of a great game. The high scorer of the week (at 113, shows how the scores have fallen in the VUFSA) will now participate in excessive trash talking to belabor his temporary awesomeness.

WIRM?: Neither Tony Romo nor Randy Moss had dominant days, but Tomke has to like what he sees, particularly with Moss catching a touchdown from the new quarterback in New England. Torry Holt was "a useless ass-raping bitch," but Reggie Bush was "shit-ton awesome" and Dwayne Bowe and Kevin Smith gave double-digit efforts because Tomke "fucking owned you bitches in the draft." Outside of Holt, no player truly disappointed. The question for Tomke is whether or not that putrid Rams team will force Holt out of favor as a fantasy bet.

WTF: So much for Brett Favre being an unsafe fantasy quarterback. As it turned out, Favre was better than Romo, Brady, Palmer, Anderson, Roethlisberger and plenty of others ... though he was still playing the Dolphins. Chad Ocho Cinco is sadly back to Chad Johnson, and that obviously hurt Welty at the pay window. Wes Welker did nothing, Robert Meachem literally did nothing and Rashard Mendenhall had a blase debut. Barber was very good -- the best player in this matchup without even playing a second half. Earnest Graham was steady and could be a nice building block. Nobody can fault Welty for benching Eddie Royal in Week 1, but he comes away with one of the best receiving days of the week.

Match MVP: Bush. After a couple years of what most consider underperforming, Bush had a quality day against a team supposedly contending with New Orleans for the NFC South crown.

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ChamPeons 99.25,

CVS/pharmacy 82.00

I suppose it could be worse for Eli Gieryna's team, as at least all his components left their games healthy. But his team isn't really super. It's probably because he chose to anger Drew Wolf, who has influence with the football gods. Champ's team will be better than this when Marques Colston gets his head out of his ass, Joseph Addai plays a whole game healthy, and Todd Heap actually gains points. Having a two-tight end lineup (or anything featuring Amani Toomer) is doing Champ no favors.

CHAMP: Drew Brees (26.75) was awesome and a major reason why Champ pulled away. Brian Westbrook (22.00) did what he does, and double-digit performances from defender Lance Briggs and Terrell Owens sweetened the pot. Colston had a bad day, but will rebound, and Champ's defense overall was a very nice 23.50 points. Fred Taylor quietly had a bad day, which is another likely rarity. Without question, Champ's team has holes, but it's still so solid. Question mark is Joe Addai. If he's not healthy, that deprives Champ of his team's greatest asset -- the running backs. Then again, if Matt Forte is for real, then Champ has plenty in reserve.

CVS: There really isn't much here. Ben Roethlisberger probably did what one would expect, even in a blowout, and I feel similarly about Brandon Jacobs, Kellen Winslow and Roy Williams. Marvin Harrison, Maurice Jones-Drew and Donald Driver only combined for 11 points, however, which is concerning since two of those three are aging and the third is 4-foot-1. Ronald Curry should never out-perform them all. Is Chris Perry actually playing these days? Eli's team will have much, much better weeks than this one, I maintain.

Match MVP: Westbrook. Brees had the better point total, but Westbrook re-asserted how valuable he is in the fantasy realm. Brees has demonstrated a knack for the up-and-down, but Westbrook is awfully reliable.

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Week One All-Stars:

QB: Donovan McNabb (Schillinger), 30.25 points

RB: Michael Turner (Brendel), 34.50 points

RB: Willie Parker (Viano), 31.50 points

WR: Hines Ward (Baron), 18.00 points

WR: Reggie Wayne (Radcliffe), 15.00 points

WR: Terrell Owens (Whitlock), 12.50 points

TE: Anthony Fasano (Whitlock), 14.00 points

W/R: Marion Barber (Welty), 22.50 points

W/T: Randy Moss (Tomke), 12.00 points

K: Neil Rackers (Viano), 11.00 points

D: James Harrison (Gieryna), 16.00 points
D: Lance Briggs (Whitlock), 12.25 points
D: Mario Williams (Schillinger), 12.00 points

Week 1 Preview

It's not football season yet until the Milwaukee Brewers are officially dead. Despite recent attempts to achieve that status, it remains my belief that the Brewers -- led by two of the fattest people ever recorded on live videotape -- will find their way into the playoffs before immediately being swept, courtesy of the New York Mets. Thus, it is with reluctance that I begin the NFL season, and I do so with the heavy taint (TAINT!) of baseball filtering through.

Bottom of the ninth: Phil Dawson's Dawgs vs. G-Rock's Horse Roids
Joe Nathan enters the ninth with a runner on and two outs, facing off with Mark Teixeira in a one-run game.

Drew's team should creep near the top of the standings this week, and a 7.25 from defender London Fletcher in the opening night game is a pleasant omen for a team that has a very nice receiving corps, two major boom potential running backs and suitable depth. Jerricho Cotchery doesn't get the pub he deserves, but with Love-Your-Anus Coles injured and a renewed emphasis on the pass in Jetsland, I have to think he could be a breakout star. Calvin Johnson could fit that breakout star mold as well, and you have to respect the solidness of Stem's team in most positions. Edgerrin James at San Francisco might be a wild card in terms of extra boost this week. Monday Night Thunder with Adrian Peterson will also be fun to watch.

Game-tying home run: CVS/pharmacy vs. ChamPeons
Derrek Lee hits a long fly ball to center field -- can Carlos Beltran make the leaping grab?

Except for Amani Toomer, pehaps the most damaging VUFSA mancrush since David Tomke's love affair with Tony Romo about two years before Romo became relevant, Champ's team is superb. A 1-2 running back punch of Joseph Addai and Brian Westbrook might even compete with Tomlinson-Jackson for the best in the league, and Marques Colston and Terrell Owens are top five receivers. Fred Taylor as a flex is a solid option, and Eli will struggle to keep up with Chris Perry in the same slot. While Eli will hope for bonus offense from Ronald Curry and Kellen Winslow, I think Marvin Harrison and Donald Driver are underrated by the yahoo points system. I don't see it being a blowout, but I see Champ on top.

Seventh-inning stretch: The Sports Hernias vs. Tom Waddle
Light-hitting but veteran savvy utility man Craig Counsell faces off with a healthy Rich Harden

Thursday night's opener was a good one for Hernias, with Plaxico Burress having a standout night despite no touchdowns. Meanwhile, Waddle's tight end Chris Cooley was too busy examining his flawless hair to do anything more than one lousy catch. Maybe it evens the playing field a bit, but Schillinger's team remains far sexier. Drew Bennett in a flex spot? It sounds like a disaster. At the end of the day, the team with two top-five running backs will always have an edge. However, with the new weight placed upon receivers, Radcliffe's trio will at least make this a close call.

Two-out double in the third: WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot vs. Who is Ron Mexico
Seeing their chances slip away, the entire St. Louis Cardinals roster charges the mound, where Gary Sheffield (and his bat) comes to the aid of helpless eccentric Kenny Rogers.

Solid-but-unspectacular starts from Tomke mainstays Santana Moss and Clinton Portis shouldn't damage his chances to have a very nice week, and potentially begin his ascension into one of the league's elite teams. The league's most talkative owner battles here with a cleverly-chosen team name featuring a hidden expletive (sort of), meaning this game is as much a battle of wits as actions. The fact that Tomke lacks wits will hurt. Essentially an expansion team, Welty is in a spot Tomke has been before, and he's not going to make much headway with the likes of DeSean Jackson, Robert Meachem and Brett Favre as starters -- though all could be big contributors down the line. Tomke isn't trotting out an all-star at every spot, but he should be solid enough to win.

Fans doing the wave: Tank Johnson's Pizza vs. Unending Hyperbole
Something's gotta give. Alexei Ramirez and Aaron Harang challenge each other to a dual of "Who's Uglier?"

Despite what I consider two very substandard teams, this matchup features a battle of two highly-skilled quarterbacks, and the bigger day at the top of the lineup could very well spell victory. Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning have both fallen a touch from their fantasy peak, but both could easily reclaim it, especially with weak opening-week opponents. I'll be interested to know if Ahman Green provides a lick of use to Viano, while Darren McFadden will be one of the most anticipated debuts across the fantasy landscape. Jabar Gaffney and Nate Burleson are also weak third-string receivers -- a touchdown by one or the other might tip the scales. I give the edge to McFadden, Burleson and Baron.

VUFSA Season Preview

What's up bitches? Dave didn't take to kindly to getting called out via blog (though I only did it because he's one of our most reliable members) and has sent his preseason poll in. Here are your votes- and your scouting reports- for this preseason.

Scoring System- 9 points for a 1st, 8 points for a 2nd and so on and so forth. You're all smarter than me, so I'll assume you get it. Maximum points= 90. First place votes in parentheses.

1. Tom Waddle - 71 points (2). Next year, I'm going to have someone else collect because I think my place is always inflated because I'm the only one who sees the votes.

"It's not one of the gladiator teams Ed has farmed in the past, but it's still plenty, plenty good to win the league...Lack of white guys is precursor for late season collapse...Roddy White is supposed to be good this year, but he plays for the Falcons and I just don't see it...Donovan McNabb will be the make-or-break player...Will really get hurt if the Dolphins don't commit to a single back, and has to gamble on picking the right one every week...Andre Johnson is always solid and/or hurt...I have no problems seeing Edwin in the VUFSA Bowl"

2. Phil Dawson's Dawgs- 70 points (4). Only reason finished 2nd is because of a 6th place vote. Top-two team on 7 of 9 ballots.

"I think his team will look better with next year's keepers than it will for this year's standings, as he relies heavily on up and coming stars...It may not be a "stacked" or flashy group, but its a pretty consistent and dependable group of players who don't really have the number of question marks that other players carry with them...The bench does nothing for me. Rudi Johnson is done and Kevin Walter is white...Laurence Maroney gave everyone boners until Bill Belichick decided that he hated him...Ryan Grant was great at the end of the year and now he thinks he deserves a billion dollars. I disagree....Hasselbeck is the question mark. How will he perform while most of his main targets are out with injuries? Though a good year in Seattle could mean a 2nd title for Drew in 3 years"

3. ChamPeons- 65 points (2). Every single ballot had the defending champ qualifying for the playoffs.

"Depth is a problem here, but barring injuries he's the one to beat...His keepers are the best in the league, but I think he hurt himself with a subpar draft...The threat of double TDs from Brees to Colston scares the hell out of me...When Jerry Porter gets healthy and Matt Forte gets going, could be one player away from domination...not a huge fan of Fred Tay-Lor because he shares carries with Maurice Jones-Drew. Good option for a 3rd back, but I think his swan song occurred last year...I honestly though Javon Walker was murdered during the offseason. His christ-like resurrection should boost morale."

4. Big Bucket of Fail- 56 points (2). Was top-5 on all but one ballot, with four top-3 votes.

"I think this is the best team in the league. I like all the major players...Eli's lament of running back committees is apt, as he has four or five solid options at RB, but not one who is guaranteed to get 95% of the carries...He has some of the best running back depth you can ask for...I like Big Ben this year, but am not sold on MJD as a #1 back...Chris Perry, because of his role, looks like a steal right now, but he has 73 carries in 20 games through three pro years. Anything you can get from him, you have to be grateful for...Will have to parlay RB depth into WR depth because a team this good can't afford to start Josh Morgan or Ronald Curry every week...Maurice Jones-Drew and Brandon Jacobs would be better if you got points for broken tackles."

5. G-Rock's Horse Roids- 48 points. Garnered two 2nds plus a 7th and an 8th. All over the place.

"Loses points for blaspheming namesake...He's got Tom Brady. So he should make the playoffs. He's also got Adrian Peterson who should destroy the Bears this year...I don't see a single worthwhile player on his bench, and think his talent goes sharply downhill after Brady and Peterson...Calvin Johnson is going to dominate bitches and Larry Fitzgerald is good, too, even though Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart can't decide who's shittier...Perrenial disappointment Lee Evans was a reach in round 1, but Edgerrin James has reached the point where he's been dismissed so much, he's a good value...I've seen Stem make the playoffs with less talent than this."

6. Who is Ron Mexico?- 42 points. Reigning runner-up was pummelled on two ballots that had them 8th, hence the low placing.

"No real wow factor on paper...Tomke can look to rookies Steve Slaton and Felix Jones, who might be two of the better picks in the draft...Tomke may have the best group of wideouts in the VUFSA. Moss, Holt, Bowe, and Moss are a fearsome foursome...Shockey and Bush should score, if what everyone says about the Saints is right...Tomke's team is unbelievably youthful. Six 1st or 2nd year players, plus Devin Hester in his second year on offense. A 32 year-old Torry Holt is the oldest player, outside of the irrelevant Jon Kitna...I hate doing preseason rankings for Dave's team(s) because only three guys on his roster now will be there in Week 5."

7. The Sports Hernias- 36 points. The most consistent on all ballots: three 5ths, three 6ths, and three 7ths.

"Wayne, Burress and Boldin? His WR's are fantastic...Minus Drew Bennett, this is what a starting receiving squad should look like...I really don't think Derek Anderson is going to be that good this year, and I'm not sure that Matt Schaub is a capable fantasy backup...I don't put him in the elites of the league, but I think he'll be plenty competitive...Anquan Boldin missed 4 games last year, but still turned up with 9 TDs. Really, really got a steal when he came over a banged up Antonio Gates and Reggie Brown. Immense keeper value added as well...I think the key is whether or not Jamal Lewis has really turned a corner or if last year was a last stab at glory"

T-8. Unending Hyperbole- 22 points. A lone 4th place vote pushes him into a tie for 8th.

"He'll need Gore to live up to his potential for a change and an upgrade at receiver...Defense is excellent, should score several touchdowns weekly...one of the strangest drafts in VUFSA history...If Baron's starting three WRs plays a combined 20 games this season I would be shocked...Frank Gore is a bitch and Michael Turner and Darren McFadden are both question marks (Jerious Norwood/Rookie)...Will and has gotten a lot of shit for going and getting a defender where he did, but that shouldn't diminish a solid starting lineup and some potential superstars at RB."

T-8th. Tank Johnson's Pizza- 22 points. Tied w/ Baron despite twice as many last place votes.

"His best receiver is Greg Jennings and best running back is either Willis McGahee or Willie Parker -- that's simply not going to hack it in a 10-person league...I keep hearing that Ray Rice is better than Willis McGahee and that Mendenhall will take all of Willie Parker's touchdowns...Ahman Green was good at fantasy football in 1987....Viano lands [6th] because aside from his top five guys, the rest of his roster is unproven...Two years ago: great. This year: not so much...There are enough pieces for Viano to do that decent team thing he always ends up doing...Best VUFSA Team name- by far"

10. WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot- Thin roster, depleted picks and no reputation to vote on equals this.

"The key is Jay Cutler. I think he might have kept Cutler a year early, and he won't be a top flight quarterback. But if he is, the team is very solid...Chris Johnson and Rashard Mendenhall should be good in the long run....I think Brett Farve going in round whatever to Welty will be the JR Radcliffe steal of the draft...Does Welty know that you're penalized for turnovers? Because that negates Brett Favre....A good draft has the newcomer headed in the right direction Welty is, I think, however, a year away from being really competitive....Why is young JR your icon?"

Preseason Poll*

With this beautiful Labor Day off of work, I fully expected to devote time to writing up a VUFSA Season Preview to go along with the preseason poll. But I can't. Because of this guy:


Get me your poll, Dave.