Uncomfortable Silence

So...Ed took fourth. I mean, and Drew won, which is great. Congrats to Drew. GM of the year. He beat Ed, who took fourth. Raise your hand if you saw the coming.

Put your hand down, Lincoln. Smartass.

Remember when Ed took fourth? Do you think he pissed off the VUFSA gods? I mean, really, really pissed them off? Urinated on them, perhaps? It's the craziest fall of an empire since the XFL. Better, even.

How did Drew Wolf go from a rebuilding season to something greater? Let's take a look at the top 10 things that shocked us about the 2006 playoffs.

10. Marion Butts-Barber. The Cowboys bruiser has gone from a backup or third down back to the fantasy star of the Dallas offense, amassing 21.50 key points during semifinals week to vault Viano into a comfortable lead. The problem? Barber went absolutely silent during championship week and was good for a fatty zero, just like the rest of the Cowboys and Tony Romo, who is screwing Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood and probably (just speculation here) Madonna at the same time. Not that it mattered -- none of Viano's backup options would have been worth much.

9. Dunn For. It seemed like the perfect scenario for The Nihilist Marmot on the Saturday night of semifinals week: Jerious Norwood was out and Warrick Dunn was playing, meaning a lot of carries should go to the seasoned homebuilder for single moms. Instead, Justin Griffith, who sat on the Marmot's bench and would have played if Dunn had been declared out, got into the end zone twice and made some noise while Dunn was worth six points. The difference wasn't enough to win that week, but it was a frustrating development for Radcliffe.

8. Welcome Back, Marc Bulger. An otherwise-mediocre showing during the third place game turned into an upset victory for The Nihilist Marmot when Marc Bulger went off for just shy of 40 points, re-emphasizing that he has to be taken seriously as a keeper candidate next year. Maybe if he'd done better than five points in the semis, he'd have led his team to the title.

7. Brandon Jacobs, Present-Day Bust? He's still a certainty keeper and a potential breakout star, but he did nothing for Drew in the playoffs, though a late touchdown got him to the 4.50 mark (don't fumble, asshole) in the semis and proved crucial in the homestretch against Ed. Jacobs received no carries in the championship game.

6. Antonio Gates of Hell. He was the top tight end in football heading into the playoffs -- he was well below average during. He may have picked up 63 yards in the third place match, but he was worth three receptions for 70 yards total during the two games, and was one of many underperformers during the week for Madd Skillz.

5. Michael Vick, Burning One Way and Then Another. Without the 37.50 points in the semifinals, Drew Wolf does not have enough to pull the century's greatest upset, but oddly enough Captain Herpes was worthless in the championship game, and Drew was lucky that he didn't need more than 1.25 points.

4. Chester Taylor flees. He was worth 3.00 in the semis and 5.50 in the finals, making Ed's superior flex option into a useless one when it mattered the most. Taylor had a sharp decline as the season progressed, but for most of the season he was out of sight as a fourth-best back.

3. Wee Willy Wets the Bed. Viano simply had nothing going in the championship game, with only two starters reaching double digits. By far the most disappointing had to be Willie Parker, who was worth a negative half point after serving up 19 points in the semifinals.

2. Ed's Receivers Disappear. If they're not the best fantasy receiving trio in the league, they're close, but Ed's trio of Steve Smith, Chad Johnson and Terry Glenn were inexplicably worth one lousy half point in the third place game. Smith had NO catches, Chad Johnson's day could not overcome a fumble and get into the positives, and Glenn was bad in primetime. For Johnson, the decline was especially bad, since his 2.50 in the semis (combined with a meer 11 points provided by Smith and Glenn together) was one of the major reasons he fell in that contest.

1. Maurice Jones-Drew. The gnome with the large penis epitomized what Wolf has managed to do ... build for the future and somehow win now at the same time. It's the perfect GMship. It certainly wasn't a bad pickup when David Tomke birthed Jones-Drew into the VUFSA world with a waiver wire pickup Sept. 24, the same day that the dreadlocked one had an intriguing 103 yards of rushing and no touchdowns. In what is quickly looking like one of the most shrewd deals of the year, Drew picked up his black namesake and DeAngelo Williams -- with one eye on the future, for Chris Brown and Warrick Dunn on Oct. 3. Jones-Drew collected 34.50 points in the season's final week to help the Partyboat eek into the playoffs, then his 18.50 in the semifinals and 30.00 points in the finals made him the playoff MVP. To celebrate, owner Drew Wolf is adapting Jones-Drew's dreadlock haircut.

Random Thoughts for Random People

A breakdown of the pending championship matchup through random thought:

I propose, henceforth, that we refer to the title bout as the "Sean Jesse Memorial VUFSA Super Bowl." It's a bit corporate, but I think it's the right thing to do.

Point, Viano: Todd Heap is expected to start, confirming that he remains the NFL's premier Fantasy Web Site Attention Whore, always being "held out of practice" and being "listed as questionable" but always playing. Point, Partyboat: Fred Taylor's absence mean Maurice Jones-Drew and his 5-foot-2 inches of height (and 12 inches of glorious penis) will be the primary ball carrier.

Quickly, name me the top five players in the NBA. One name you didn't mention is Gilbert Arenas, but when he's on, he's suspiciously amazing. Hibachi! Somehow, he found a way to beat a team that is allowed to play Steve Nash, Amare Stoudamire (even if it's the not-quite-healthy version) and Shawn Marion at the same time. How does that team ever lose? Gilbert Arenas. That's how.

Point, Viano: Partyboat continues to start Mike Furrey. Point, Partyboat: Viano continues to start Cedric Benson. Allow me to submit the idea that if either of these two players goes off, it gives the owner of that player a drastic advantage. Benson against Detroit is the likely matchup in that circumstance, though Viano is banking heavily on that matchup to come to fruition, while players such as Sammy Morris ride the pine.

"...by the way, I was on that partyboat, and it wasn't even one of the 87 craziest night of my life. So let's all get over it for the love of Nick Goings."

Is Brandon Jacobs the keeper he's cracked up to be? A couple fumbles near the end zone has me wondering if that's really the guy they want carrying the ball. If he can't hang on in the most crucial of situations, how can he hang on when he's getting a vastly increased workload? Furthermore, who are Viano's keepers? I see Peyton Manning, Willie Parker, and then a hodgepodge of possibles. Hines Ward, Willis McGahee and Marion Barber seem to be frontrunners, but can't you make the case for Javon Walker, Cedric Benson, Todd Heap or Jerious Norwood?

In nine games against the Houston Texans, Peyton Manning has thrown for 2503 yards and 22 touchdowns. That's an average of 278 yards per game and 2.5 touchdowns (on an average of 22 completions). Even an average day is thus worth 25.5 points. Point, Viano. Michael Vick has also played nine games against the Carolina Panthers, and his numbers are much, much worse (154 passing yards per game, 0.67 touchdowns, 50 rushing yards, 0.44 rushing touchdowns). That's just under 15 points, which isn't the end of the world.

Most likely, Ed Schillinger's team will reach 200 points after a good week of practice following the surprise loss. However, it didn't start on a good foot, with Chester Taylor's bummer of a finish yielding just 5.5 points. If Larry Johnson struggles tonight against Oakland, the groundwork might be in place for back-to-back surprises. Just kidding.

Name one former Miss America. The answer is Vanessa Williams. So when Miss Kentucky was stripped (mmm, stripped) of her Miss USA title because she partied just a little too hardy, she probably followed in Williams' footsteps as becoming a Miss America that people have actually heard of. I just wish I could remember her name right now, so I could prove my point.

How long before Viano changes his "sad hippy" avatar? He looks like Scott Stapp, and I think everyone can agree how upsetting that is.

I don't like the new beta blog. Stupid blogger.

The bottom line for both teams this SJMVUFSASB season: you've got to have heart. And, if you vulture some touchdowns, those won't hurt either. Godspeed, men, and may you forever be known as "The Guy Who Won the League Even Though Ed Had The Best Team." Kisses.

Sticking my beak in your business

Happy holidays, VUFSA-ites!

I heard you've got a championship shindig this weekend, so I wanted to burst in here and give my two cents worth on what will definitively happen.

Obviously, Madd Skillz will demolish you all and win his third consecutive football title.

....

What? Are you serious?

What the fuck?

Well, there goes my scouting report.

In addition, I'd like to apologize for my extended absence from the site. I would have liked to offer the occasional insight to everyone here, but they don't have consistent Internet access in Peru. I was there studying some of the ancient rituals of the Inca tribes, and I found a lot of great info. They have a drink called machu quecha that is absolutely mind-blowing. It's also highly addictive, so I'm suffering through agonizing and incapacitating withdrawal right now.

But I was able to learn about a lot of their culture and take a few good things away from those crazy bronze-skinned nubile people, wearing their little dresses made from milk reeds that barely concealed their muscular bodies and any sort of nether region and caused me to walk around with an erection the size of a Duraflame log. Burn me, baby.

In addition, I'd also like to think I was able to leave my mark on their lives, as I introduced the indigenous people to body shots, slip-and-slides and the reverse cowgirl position.

Yeah, I pretty much got laid constantly. A shit-ton, actually. Or ... a Clay-ton, if you prefer.

Drop me a line if you want to see pictures.

On to the matchups!

Championship Bout:
Naj Davenport's Poop vs. Tice's Partyboat

I'm still stunned by this. But most importantly, this will yield the VUFSA its first champion not named Ed, JR or Eli. Yahoo is listing the Partyboat (by the way, I was on that partyboat, and it wasn't even one of the 87 craziest night of my life. So let's all get over it for the love of Nick Goings.) as a 1-point favorite, which adds a lot of intrigue. However, the fact that Peyton Manning will be playing a full game against the rumplefugly pass defense of the Texans, I would lean toward favoring Poop.

Things to watch: Michael Vick's matchup against Carolina; if Benson/Barber find the end zone; Fred Taylor's status; Weapons of Ass Destruction, a recent adult film starring a ponytail-wearing Jon Clayton.

The difference makers: Ladell Betts for Partyboat; Willis McGahee for Poop.

-------------------------------

Best Loser
Madd Skillz vs. The Nihilist Marmot

Rumor has it that Ed has not left his house since he lost on Sunday. Rumor Has It is also a terrible fucking movie. Anyway, this is the third place match. While both owners are surely disappointed, this game does still count for something, though no one really knows what. Skillz has the clear advantage, but it's possible that the combination of Harrison/Wayne could be enough to propel the Marmot to victory and hand Ed his second straight upset. If that happens, Ed will surely be seeking some pharmaceutical help from Jamie.

Speaking of, can Jamie get me some codeine? That shit makes me fly.

Things to watch: Chester Taylor's ribs, DJ Hackett as a viable WR, 200 yards from Tomlinson against Seattle, Travis Henry's health, the bumpy rash on my taint.

The difference makers: Tomlinson, you dipshit; Edgerrin James against San Fran.

Until next time, don't fake the funk when you're getting crunk.

Heart will always go on

By Bill Sportswriter
Anytown, USA

The St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series this past season. And everyone knows how it was done:

With heart and determination.

In the postseason sports arena, nothing is more overrated than talent. Teams never seem to learn this. Talent can only take you so far. Once a team reaches the postseason, it is those unquantifiable aspects of sports that make champions out of regular players. Heart. Determination. Grit. Moxie. Makeup. Chemistry. Testicles the size of mangos.

If anyone ever doubted this, they should doubt no more after watching Tice's Partyboat take down the No. 1-seeded Madd Skillz in the VUFSA semifinals this week.

In an upset for the ages, the goliath Skillz seemingly had every possible advantage. It owned two of the top three running backs, the top wide receiver, the top quarterback and the top tight end in the league. Partyboat was led mostly by rookies, castoffs and role players.

But Skillz did not count on the heart of the Partyboat.

Led by 5-foot-7 Maurice Jones-Drew, a veritable fire hydrant of a running back, Partyboat simply willed their way to victory.

Skillz, having cruised through the regular season, had not played a meaningful game in months. Tice's Partyboat had to scratch and claw their way to victory all season, and they knew what it meant to fight, to battle, to bleed for a win. They looked to their diminutive leader for inspiration, and found it in his eyes. His eyes that are located approximately 5 feet and 3 inches off the ground.


Postseason fantasy football is an entirely different animal than the regular season. Stakes are raised. The ante is upped. The games mean more. The contests have a more meaningful outcome. If you lose, the impact is much greater than if one would have lost during the regular season.

Talent is not enough. Look at the New York Yankees this past season. Full of talent, they were ousted by the scrappy Detroit Tigers in the postseason. Motown wanted it more. The Yankees were symbolized by their two highest profile players, Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter. Rodriguez did not perform, as he never performs on the biggest stage. And Jeter, the leader of the Yankees, failed to reach out to Rodriguez and force him to play better baseball.

Similarly, did anyone see LaDanian Tomlinson reach out to Chad Johnson and help him play better on Monday night? Did he wrap his powerful arm around teammate Antonio Gates and raise him up from the pits of one catch for seven yards?

No.

Skillz players sat back and relied on their talent and sporting ability to win fantasy football games for them. And that was their critical mistake.

Maurice Jones-Drew was not content with just his ability. He inspired his teammate to perform better. He wormed his way into their souls and danced a soft-shoe jig until their bodies were forced to perform at heights heretofore unknown to them.

5-foot-7 Maurice Jones-Drew. A bowling ball of a halfback. A small man in a game created for large men. A man with the name of three people, and the heart of 63.

Brandon Jacobs, off to a slow start in his game, saw the fire in Jones-Drew's belly and raised his game to score a late touchdown. The behemoth player knew that he could not be outdone by a player standing eight inches shorter than him.

Michael Vick sought out tutoring in reading and writing before the game, finding inspiration after watching Jones-Drew read Malcolm Gladwell's Blink in the locker room before the game. The stimulation to his brain caused him to have the biggest game of his season, on the biggest possible stage.

Lavernues Coles, nearly invisible in previous weeks, was boosted by his boisterous locker room and turned in a performance for the ages.

Marty Booker was held without a catch.

When will teams learn that success cannot possibly be attained by ability? Skillz is another classic example of teams overvaluing the ability of a player to actually perform on the field. He joins the New York Yankees, the Russian hockey team and the USA basketball squad as teams that don't subscribe to that axiom. And they paid for it.

Maybe next season, instead of trying to hoard the best talent at every possible position, Madd Skillz will seek to find players that actually mesh well. Players that like to barbecue at one another's homes. Players that discuss politics and Asian literature after practice. Players that make it a point to get together once a week to watch 30 Rock and bond over root beer floats and a few good laughs.

That chemistry can't be measured.

Its impact can't be underestimated.

But its results, however, are always visible.

Semi-Final Preview

#1 Madd Skillz vs. #4 Tice's Partyboat (+22)

Schillinger is 6-2 lifetime against the Wolfman, with two of those victories coming this season. Schillinger and Wolf have met twice in the first round of the playoffs, both decisions going to Schill.

News and Notes, SKL

As hinted at during the post-game press conference, the big question mark for Week 15 is the flex spot, where the questionable Chester Taylor resides. Reports are that Taylor will play, but his ribs still seem to be a problem. If he does indeed play, his effectiveness will be in question...It's going to be an uncomfortable Sunday afternoon for Edwin, as he can do nothing but sit and watch TPB accumulate a big lead in anticipation of his unbelievable Thunder. After the late games end, SKL still has LaDanian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson, Antonio Gates, Chad Johnson and Rudi Johnson to go...Rudi Johnson and Antonio Gates have been solid all year long, but last week each scored two TDs and if they can be as spectacular this week, that's great news for SKL...Despite living in Indianapolis amongst some very obnoxious Colts fans, team Schillinger will be forced to root for the Ponies this week in hopes of keeping the Chargers playing hard through at least Week 16...Key Injuries: Chester Taylor (Questionable), Joe Horn (Questionable)

News and Notes, TPB

The Story of the Year is in about as good a shape as he's been since the season started. Not only is the team healthy, but all of the starters have solidified roles in their respective offenses...The best matchup this week is for Midget Jones-Drew, who takes on a vulnerable Tennessee defense after a tremendous game last week. Red-Hot LaDell Betts also has a great matchup against New Orleans, and should have gotten some outside consideration for pick up of the year...The Wolman WRs from DET and GB go head-to-head, a good meeting for both of them...The big question mark, as always, will be the type of play that TPB can get from Michael Vick. Will his banged up backfield make him run the ball more. It could also force him to pass the ball more. Vick is the least predictable player in our league, and Drew's success may ride on him...Key Injuries: Donald Driver (Questionable), Kellen Winslow (Questionable)

#2 The Nihilist Marmot vs. #3 Naj Davenport's Poop (+2)

Radcliffe and Viano are 3-3 against one another all-time, and split the season series this year. They met in the 2004 semi-finals, where JR upset the #1 seeded Viano 129.50-87.00.

News and Notes, TNM

Two big question(able)s at RB are on the mind of team TNM, as neither Warrick Dunn nor Travis Henry are sure to suit up on Sunday. Justin Griffith may be an average play if Dunn doesn't go, but if they both don't go, Isaac Bruce or Anthony Thomas will be forced into action as well...DJ Hackett gave Radcliffe everything he could ask for on Thursday, notching 8 points in place of the injured Darrell Jackson...The other WRs for TNM are in line for a big game, they take place in the expected shootout between the Colts and Bengals on Monday Night. Though Wayne and Harrison will get every point they score from VUFSA foe Peyton Manning, a huge game from them may still be necessary...Marc Bulger had a great garbage-time showing against the Bears last week, and should be OK vs. Oakland despite the respectable Raider defense...The Broncos now aren't the Broncos of Week 4, so Edgerrin James could continue his recent hot play against a now vulnerable defense...Key Injuries: Darrell Jackson (Out), Warrick Dunn (Questionable), Travis Henry (Questionable)

News and Notes, NDP

Andy insists the team is falling apart, but they look fine to me. There are question marks around a few players, but for the most part, this is a competent playoff lineup...Marion Barber was the greatest backup RB ever until last week when he made no impact during the New Orleans drubbing. His performance goes a long way in determining a winner here...Despite the jokes, Sammy Morris isn't a bad play in this situation, and he was awfully good last week...Javon Walker has a nice matchup against the Cardinals, while Todd Heap takes on Cleveland...This lineup isn't that dissimilar from the ones Viano trotted out during his dominant span. Nonetheless, nothing will matter if Peyton Manning doesn't snap out of his recent funk...Key Injuries: Jerious Norwood (Questionable))

Postseason Press Conferences- UPDATED 12/13

Now with 98% more Brent Whitlock- and he doesn't disappoint

You narrowly missed the playoffs despite the #3 overall score in the league. Is there anything you feel you should/could have done differently?

I feel that I could have watched the games in Week 14 and used whatever mojo I have to will my players to victory over the Danny Almonte in this league of 12-year-olds. I'm not to bad when I will the fantasy team or the Bears on television, but the kid brother is a perfect 11 and 0 while watching The Monsters of the Midway this season. How could I not mention that? According to little brother, the forecast in Tampa Bay this weekend: PAIN.

Are you happy with your situation for next season?

Definitely, instead of setting up my fantasy roster each week, I will be setting up my fantasy roster as a proud member of the 2006-2007 Chicago Bears Super Bowl Champions fan base.

Is there such a thing as the "Curse of Shawne Merriman?"

The Cubs are cursed, Madden is cursed, and Sports Illustrated is cursed, but Shawne Merriman is just a man that has elected to be hung with a grain of salt because he decided to take "the hulk" medication. Green skin may not be a side effect, brosepf, but always take your vitamins, supplements, and topical lotions after reading the label. Half of you work at Walgreens, so you oughta know better, but our friend, Mr. Merriman probably reads just as well as he dances. POORLY. The only "lights out" action that he will be getting will be from that stupid dance he does on the field, and not in the bedroom with that undersized power plant, which is ironic because he plays for the San Diego Superchargers. A curse? No. A bad decision? Yes. He'll never have a super hawg like Mike Ditka, nor the man-pill endorsements that accompany a huge hawg like Ditkas, but the wee-man brought it upon himself.

Additionally, why weren't there any questions about Eddie Kennison? You guys know me so little.

=========================

First up, Dave Tomke, who I'm pretty sure is making fun of me in the last question.

You have three very talented, young QBs on your roster. Are Tony Romo's recent struggles making you rethink his keepage?

First off, I'm not really sure Eli Manning is talented. He might actually be gay, and can there be a gay quarterback that is talented? Good question, and one I'm not sure I'm equipped to answer. Tony Romo is the best real-world quarterback in the league, and is good in fantasy, but quarterbacks are more or less a dime a dozen in fantasy. I'm not sure I was ever serious about keeping him, and I probably won't keep him. And Vince Young is black... so, yeah.

Can you even compare the state of your team now with the state after your inaugural campaign?

I can't compare the two because Kenny LaVicka is no longer involved with the team. And as much as I enjoyed his company, his fantasy skills were lacking. Although no one in this league appreciates a good wang joke as much as Kenny. And no, I really can't compare the two, since as I see it right now, I'm going to have five totally different keepers. I really wish Viano would have traded me Benson at the deadline for Houston and a second-rounder, but he decided not to. I hold that as a personal attack, so fuck you, Viano. If I had to guess right now, my keepers are Bush, Brown, Edwards, Colston, and someone else. Maybe Romo, maybe Young, maybe Houshmanzadeh. Not really sure. The one luxury that I do have is a lot of extra picks.

Where would you have been this season without Jason Taylor?

Jason Taylor has really been a shoulder for me to lean on when I feel that I can't go on anymore. Sometimes, the two of us will just sit back on the couch and pop in a good romantic comedy. You can't believe how much it helps to watch Sweet Home Alabama and eat a pint of Cherry Garcia with your best friend after you've lost a tough fantasy matchup. So, in that respect, I probably would have killed myself without the constant support of my bff, Jason Taylor.

Boner.

=========================

Next on the stand, is Andrew Stem talking about his best two players and they're respective injuries.

Do you regret not moving the injured Shaun Alexander for the sake of staying competitive in the playoff race?

No, I don't feel badly about not trading Alexander to stay competitive because each game I lost without Alexander, I lost by more than 20 points. I suppose if I had gotten a really good deal, I might have been a little more competitive, but there are few players who could have given me the points necessary to win most of those games and have a chance at the playoffs. I did try to make deals, just not involving Alexander, but I couldn't find a trading partner.

What does Kevin Jones' lisfranc injury do to his keeper status?

If it is in fact a lisfranc injury, I will have to wait a while before knowing what his keeper status is. I would like to hold onto him, especially because I don't know what I'll get out of Jordan next year, but I guess if he might be out for the whole year (ala Curtis Martin), I would have to consider letting him go. It's kind of funny that injuries continue to kill this team, even after the season is essentially over.

On a scale of 1-11, how overrated is the SEC in comparison with the Big 10?

57.

=========================

Taking time away from cursing the name of anyone he's ever owned, Eli Gieryna

You acquired two future studs and an outside keeper candidate in one week while only ditching three of your most maddening players. How?

Well, I was pleased to trade Tatum Bell. After this season, I'll do my best to never own another Broncos running back. It's just far too frustrating. I really do like Roy Williams, and I think he could have an even better year in 2007 -- but I really didn't feel comfortable going into next season with just two running backs, and trading him allowed me to grab another one. And as for Philip Rivers, he gives my fantasy team much-needed poise and locker room chemistry. Plus, he's like best friends with Ron Dayne, so hey.

After seeing the way the season played out, do you regret cashing out instead of trying for a playoff run?

Not at all. I feel like I improved my keeper situation and added a first-round and [fourth]-round pick in the process. Actually, I don't feel like that -- it's just factual information. I made a few attempts to get players to help me this year, and it didn't work out, so I just decided it was better to go one way or the other, and not just hope for the fourth seed, where I could lose by 60 points to Ed.

After your last minute wheeling and dealing, how will you find room to keep Wali Lundy?

Well, if Steven Jackson needs to go ... Steven Jackson needs to go. Sorry, Predator.

=========================

Up next, the very mature and thoughtful Baron Brendel

Even though you missed the playoffs by one game, you finished with 7 wins in your second season. Do you consider the 2006 campaign a success?

To be honest, I feel I have a better team than seven wins. Four of my seven losses came in weeks I had the most points of any loser. In weeks one, seven and eight, I was the fourth leading scorer in the league, and in week twelve I had the third highest score in the league; yet all those games ended up in the loss column. Just one of those games goes my way, I'm 8-6 and in the playoffs. Of course, I would have been the sacrificial lamb on the Alter of Ed, but it would have been nice to make it.

You didn't make very many moves with a nod towards your 2007 keeper situation. Was that on purpose, to stay competitive, or do you regret not getting another future peice?

I was trying to acquire a young running back down the stretch, but no deal worked out. I did acquire one possible keeper in Alge Crumpler. But, every time I thought about selling the farm in order to get a Laurence Maroney or Ronnie Brown, I realized my keepers from last year (except pice-of-shit Chris Chambers) were performing rather well. Carson Palmer is a no-brainer. So is Brian Westbrook. Duece McAllister still has a primary place in a potent Saints offense. I'll have to wait and see how the Bears running back situation shapes up over the summer, but Ahman Green had a pretty good year that nobody seemed to notice. Making a move on a younger back would have been nice, but I wasn't going to trade two keepers for one, and that's why a lot of the deals fell through. I'll have a pretty good, but veteran, keeper group to go with the draft.

On a scale of 1-10, how much blame do you place on the Thursday Thundering for your exclusion from the postseason?

Maybe a two. While it does suck to lose a game on Thursday, it is important the NFL get the statistics right. I don't know why it took until Thursday to see Cato June cause a fumble, but they got it right, and I lost the game.

=========================

Taking time from running victory laps around his always vacant pharmacy, Drew Wolf

You're in the playoffs. How in the hell did that happen?

I attribute it to Bernie Kosar. I'm not sure why, but I do. That and selling off over priced veterans for youthful players who ended up paying dividends now. Out went Dunn, James, and Moss and in came Jones-Drew, Williams, and Coles. With a little luck and the right match-ups, I won the games I was supposed to win and it got me in.

Is there any notion of a QB controversy on Minnetonka between Michael Vick and Jeff Garcia?

No. I would hate myself forever if Jeff Garcia had a disappointing week and Vick had a 30 point performance. If the opposite happens, then it was a Garcia fluke.

Is Marty Booker going to stay in the Flex spot all week? What kind of decision do you have at that spot?

Not completely decided. Booker is hotter than Reese Witherspoon at this point, so it's hard not play him. I hate to go with 4 wide receivers in the playoffs but Reuben Droughns in addition to being terrible plays the Baltimore Ravens. I just traded away Caddy. And DeAngelo Williams, the most likely to get the flex spot start if not Booker, was back to splitting carries with DeShaun Foster. If Williams becomes the clear cut starter, I may go with him. Otherwise, it will likely be Booker.

=========================

Our own Bronx native, Andy Viano talks about his complete lack of faith in his team.

You traded away Philip Rivers last week, and have no backup QB on your playoff roster. Does that mean you have supreme confidence in Peyton Manning to play during both playoff games?

Yeah I do, especially because the Colts are yet to lock up anything, even a postseason berth, I think. So there is no doubt in my mind he'll play and if I can get past Radcliffe and his flaming pants next week Peyton gets the Texans in a game where I'm sure he'll need to score about 10,000 points. Plus, let's be serious here, if Peyton doesn't play either of the last two weeks it not like Philip Rivers was going to bail me out. This is what happens when your entire team is based around one pale, white-trash nerd.

After a stellar 9 week mid-season run, your team crossed 100 points just once in the season's last four weeks. Is this a trend or a slump?

It's a trend, the team blows, this always happens to my fantasy football teams, and I hate you. On the bright side, my fiancee is pissed because you sent out your silly cards so far before we did. Should I not have mentioned that on a fantasy football blog becuase it's too gay? Yes, but it's not as gay as Tomke.

Your semi-final game is a rematch from 2 years ago with JR. What are your general feelings on the way his team is playing and your chances to reach the championship?

Let's be frank for a moment, me and Radcliffe have never really gotten along, and this goes back years. He thinks I'm cute and I think he's heavy and we've never really been able to get around that in our relationship. Always been a lot of uncomfortable sexual tension. So yeah, I'm looking forward to drilling his team over and over again this week, taking only short breaks to rinse in the shower and smoke a cigarette.

As for the football end of things, I'm going to make this guarantee right now. There is no way in hell I win this game. Period. I can't beat Radcliffe because I can't win unless Peyton throws four touchdowns and if he does, they're going to be to Wayne and Harrison. Plus, I could start Arlen Harris and Sammy Morris at running back, in the same week, in the playoffs. Warrick Dunn, Thomas Jones and Julius Jones had better lose their jobs this offseason or I'm going to really feel like an idiot for not trading any of those young bucks.

=========================

The similarly pessimistic JR Radcliffe is up next.

Your team got banged up a little bit in week 14- do you feel like your roster can absorb a few owies in the playoffs?

No, I don't. I'm very, very concerned. Taking Darrell Jackson out of the picture removes one of the league's most consistent fantasy options, and really one of the top five receivers altogether. Warrick Dunn and Travis Henry cannot be injured, since I'm already putting a spare part in for Jackson. If all three go out, I don't think I have a chance against Viano, and I certainly don't have even percentages of a chance against Ed, should I be so lucky to get that far. My hope is that the running backs will be healthy, and I will only have one entrant from my miserable depth.

Were you able to make the moves you wanted down the stretch run? If so, then which moves are you most happy with, and if not, which moves do you wish you had time to make?

I tried and tried to make a move that would bolster my team, both for the short term and long term. I dangled Marvin Harrison and Randy Moss to multiple owners, and was entertaining other options involving my running back corps. No owner wanted to make a deal that didn't involve a draft pick, and since I've already sacrificed my first round pick, there's no way I can offer one of the other top picks for a late move. I made the mistake last year of trading for players and giving up too much, when the players I traded for did not benefit me. It's a mistake I still regret, and I was thinking about that all week. In the end, I wish I could have obtained one more receiver or keeper-potential running back.

In your opinion, which player from your team will have the most impact on your playoff game(s)?

Marc Bulger on Monday night was encouraging, and I know he's capable of that against Oakland and Washington, so I'm hoping for a minimum of 20 points from him over the course of the playoffs. The Colts will try to get their game back on track by throwing a lot, and while that probably won't help me against Viano, it may in the championship or third place match, where the Colts face Houston and Peyton Manning impersonates Jesus. I always like Tiki to make some noise as well, and I hope so, since the only reason he's on my roster is for these two weeks.

=========================

Jackass Ed Schillinger has Drew Wolf ask him his questions.

The one weakness on the team comes at the flex position with the Vikings running back situation up in the air. What's the plan of action there?

I think my final two transactions of the season sum up my position- if it's not Chester Taylor, I'm not going to bother. If Taylor turns out to be banged up again at any point, I'll hope that Joe Horn or even Drew Bennett can step up. If Brad Childress is going to turn to Artose Pinner without any indication, I can't trust him. I locked in my bench with four handcuff backs relatively early this season, so my lack of flexibility to make a move down the stretch may turn out to hurt me.

Any concern about the all mighty Empire overlooking the leaky Partyboat? Is there tremendous pressure to win and win it all big?

As much as I love to equate real-life concepts with fantasy game management (and I'm dead serious) I don't know if it's possible to overlook an opponent. Do you want me to rest guys or pull them early if I get a lead? I'll march out the same lineup that I have since the byes ended and be done with it. As far as the second part of the question, there is tremendous pressure and it all comes from within the organization. I have worked pretty hard to get to this position, and amazing season would be wasted with a poor playoff showing. On the other hand- if I lose, I wouldn't have to feel bad for my success anymore, and maybe people will stop referring to me as Steinbrenner. So, I guess it's win-win.

You sent off a lot of draft picks next year to ensure this season's success. Now that you have cruised into the playoffs do you regret moving too much from 2007 to make it happen in 2006?

I'll only regret it if I lose in the playoffs. I was very cautious about what picks I gave away and tried to make sure they were properly valued. I do miss my 3rd round pick, but then again, my 3rd pick in this past draft was TJ Duckett. I moved a 6th, but own Dave's 7th. I moved a 10th, but own Drew's 9th, so it's really a net loss of a 3rd (for a keeper) and a 13th (a defensive draft slot). My lone loss this season changed my mindset. I realized after a 160 point loss that the only way to ensure a championship is to have the high score every. single. week. That's what I was after, and I felt that any draft pick(s) that could help me reach that goal would be more than worth it.

VUFSWA Awards

*Writers ranked players from 1-3 in each category. 5 points awarded for a 1st place, 3 for a second, and 1 for a third.

MVP

LaDanian Tomlinson- 20 (perfect)
Peyton Manning- 8
Drew Brees- 4
Willie Parker- 3
Larry Johnson- 1

LDT earns a unanimous MVP honor in the VUFSA because his point total nearly 100 points greater than the second best total. His monster season is the main reason that regular season champ Madd Skillz crossed 2,000 this season. Despite injuries and inconsistencies, Peyton Manning kept Naj Davenport's Poop not only competitive, but feared. JR included Drew Brees because he "A bit of a surprise, he's really the piece that went from making Ed's team unstoppable to immortal."

Biggest Suprise

Marques Colston- 20 (perfect)
Frank Gore- 9
Maurice Jones-Drew- 4
Drew Brees- 2
Philip Rivers- 1

The NFL's biggest suprise was ours as well. Did you know Marques Colston was the 252nd player drafted? His TE eligibility only added to his dominance, and even as a WR is a keeper for Dave. Frank Gore "was a joke last year, yet he had a terrific year both running and catching the football" according to Drew Wolf, and he kept Champ's team releveant all year according to JR. Maurice Jones-Drew was suprising in that he was a rookie, and you never know what to expect from a rookie, especially one that drops out of the first round and looks like a midget.

Biggest Disappointment

Eli Manning- 10
Edgerrin James- 5
Cadillac Williams- 5
Daunte Culpepper- 4
LaMont Jordan- 3
Randy Moss- 3
Clinton Portis- 3
Mike Bell- 1
Reggie Bush- 1

The most diverse vote goes the way of Li'l Eli Manning, who once showed the potential to be one of fantasy's best QB options for years to come. Despite numerous offensive weapons, Eli continued to make piss-poor decisions and throws, ending up #3 on the 9th place team's depth chart. Edgerrin James and Cadillac Williams burned their respective owners enough that they would not only trade them for one another, but vote them the #1 disappointment. From JR: "(Cadillac) went from potential fantasy stud to bust, and it's only his second year in the league." From Drew: "Even with Edge's late season respectability, he's been an embarassment...His drop, in my opinion, is the greatest single season fall the VUFSA has ever seen." Daunte Culpepper just submarined the ChamPeon QB situation, and had no bounceback whatsoever. Randy Moss was disappointing, sure, but haven't we been through that before? Clinton Portis' injury is the reason for his inclusion. People seem to have forgotten that Mike Bell was the 5th pick in this year's draft, and Tatum was drafted in the 4th round. Reggie Bush a disappointment? It depends on what you expected. If you had modest hopes despite the impossible hype, you weren't disappointed.

Willie Parker Memorial "Best Pickup"

Maurice Jones-Drew- 14
Marques Colston- 10
Travis Henry- 9
Tony Romo- 3

Maurice Jones-Drew comes out with an upset of Marques Colston for the best pickup of the season. The Maurice Midget has been on fire for Tice's Partyboat, and he seems to find the end zone every week. Dave saw him go off one Sunday and made the smart move of snatching him up. Marques Colston was my pick, but was inexplicably left off of two ballots. To me, it isn't hard to pick up a guy like MJD. He was a premier runner at UCLA and had a freakishly good week. Colston on the other hand came out of nowhere and took a far greater leap of faith to pick up and hold on to. Undrafted Travis Henry started over 1st rounder Chris Brown and has been a tremendous factor in The Nihilist Marmot's 2nd place regular season. Tony Romo, despite being worse than bad in 3 of his last 4 games gets the nod on three ballots.

Most Devastating Injury

Clinton Portis- 11
Donovan McNabb- 9
Domanick Davis- 7
Shaun Alexander- 6
Carson Palmer- 3

JR points out that it is "pretty clear that the Gun's demise begins with the injury to a premier running back." Shortly after Portis went down, the Gun gave in. Donovan McNabb and Domanick Davis both had important roles in submarining Father Abraham's season- Davis took away a lot of preseason hope, and McNabb took away their late season competitiveness. Shaun Alexander's injury was devastating on two fronts: first, he was the best back in the league last year. Second, everyone knew Stem wouldn't do anything to replace him. Once Alexander was out, it was the Anthony Thomas (pre-starting) and and Verron Haynes show. Eli notes that Carson Palmer "kept Baron down early" with his lackluster passing games on his way back from injury. Fresh Legs started 2-3.

GM Of The Year

Drew Wolf- 18
JR Radcliffe- 7
Dave Tomke- 4
Brent Whitlock- 4
Ed Schillinger- 3

Drew Wolf took a hopeless, aging 0-3 team and revamped it completely. An 8-3 finish to the regular season pushes Tice's Partyboat into the playoffs, where they have been every season we've had. The most impressive thing, however, is that Drew didn't give up his future to get good now, actually he improved it. His keepers will center around up and comers like DeAngelo Williams, Maurice Jones-Drew and Brandon Jacobs. JR Radcliffe went from "from so-so keepers to No. 2 seed" according to Eli. Radcliffe's pickups of Travis Henry and Anthony Thomas helped a mediocre RB crew, as did trades for Edge, Warrick Dunn and Tiki Barber. Dave Tomke wasn't as trigger happy this year as he was last, but he became the VUFSA's master of the upgrade. He took a 2nd string rookie and a waiver pickup and worked his way up Ronnie Brown. His patience with Shit-Ton Bush looks like it will pay off next season, and he has accumulated an extra 3rd, 4th, and 5th rounder for next year, all while staying competitive. Champ's best work this season came last season, with the acquisitions of Andre Johnson, Terrell Owens, and Frank Gore. His patience with those players plus a spiffy draft kept him in the playoff drivers seat until the very last Sunday. Ed Schillinger got a 2nd place nod to get him on the list, even though he was really just healthier and luckier than most teams this season.

Regular Season Record Book

I hope to have the blog full of fresh activity for a good part of this week- I can do no better today than a copy and paste job from the league record book, updated for the 2006 season.

High Score (Single Game)

1. 187.25 Eli Gieryna- Week 6, 2006
2. 179.25 Ed Schillinger- Week 12, 2006
3. 176.75 Ed Schillinger- Week 10, 2006
4. 176.25 Ed Schillinger- Week 11, 2006
5. 174.75 Ed Schillinger- Week 14, 2006
T6. 172.75 Ed Schillinger- Week 8, 2006
T6. 172.75 Eli Gieryna- Week 9, 2004
8. 171.50 Ed Schillinger- Week 12, 2005
9. 165.00 Ed Schillinger – Week 9, 2005
10. 164.00 Drew Wolf- Week 11, 2005

Low Score (Single Game)

1. 42.00 Dave Tomke- Week 5, 2005
2. 47.50 Dave Tomke- Week 9, 2005
3. 52.25 Dave Tomke- Week 1, 2006
4. 56.00 Brent Whitlock- Week 13, 2005
T5. 57.75 Andrew Stem- Week 9, 2006
T5. 57.75 Dave Tomke- Week 1, 2005
7. 59.00 Lincoln Souzek- Week 13, 2005
8. 61.50 Dave Tomke- Week 6, 2005
9. 62.25 Andy Viano- Week 2, 2005
10. 65.75 Andrew Stem- Week 4, 2004

High Score (Season)

1. 2032.00 Ed Schillinger- 2006
2. 1850.25 Ed Schillinger- 2005
3. 1752.75 Eli Gieryna- 2004
4. 1648.25 Andy Viano- 2004
5. 1630.50 Drew Wolf- 2004
6. 1625.25 Ed Schillinger- 2004
7. 1623.75 Eli Gieryna- 2005
8. 1598.75 Drew Wolf- 2005
9. 1564.25 Andrew Stem- 2005
10. 1545.75 Brent Whitlock- 2004

Most Points in a Loss

1. 160.50 Ed Schillinger- Week 6, 2006 (vs. Eli Gieryna)
T2. 141.75 Eli Gieryna- Week 10, 2004 (vs. Drew Wolf)
T2. 141.75 Brent Whitlock- Week 9, 2004 (vs. Eli Gieryna)
4. 135.75 Andy Viano- Week 9, 2006 (vs. Ed Schillinger)
T5. 132.00 Eli Gieryna- Week 11, 2004 (vs. Ed Schillinger)
T5. 132.00 Baron Brendel- Week 12, 2006 (vs. Brent Whitlock)
7. 130.25 Ed Schillinger- Week 13, 2005 (vs. JR Radcliffe)
8. 125.75 Eli Gieryna- Week 14, 2005 (vs. JR Radcliffe)
9. 125.25 Andy Viano- Week 12, 2004 (vs. Drew Wolf)
10. 124.00 Andrew Stem- Week 11, 2005 (vs. Drew Wolf)

Largest Margin of Victory

1. 117.50 Ed Schillinger- Week 9, 2005
2. 95.00 Ed Schillinger- Week 10, 2006
3. 92.00 Ed Schillinger- Week 8, 2006
4. 88.00 Ed Schillinger- Week 5, 2005
5. 75.50 Andrew Stem- Week 4, 2005
6. 73.50 Ed Schillinger- Week 12, 2006
7. 73.25 Brent Whitlock- Week 1, 2005
8. 72.75 Ed Schillinger- Week 14, 2005
9. 71.00 Ed Schillinger- Week 11, 2006
10. 69.75 Ed Schillinger- Week 11, 2005

Smallest Margin of Victory

1. 0.50 Radcliffe def. Gieryna- Week 14, 2004
T2. 0.75 Whitlock def. Viano- Week 1, 2006
T2. 0.75 Stem def. Souzek- Week 2, 2006
T2. 0.75 Schillinger def. Souzek- Week 3, 2006
5. 1.00 Whitlock def. Viano- Week 10, 2004
T6. 1.25 Wolf def. Brendel- Week 8, 2006
T6. 1.25 Viano def. Wolf- Week 11, 2006
T7. 1.75 Whitlock def. Stem- Week 7, 2004
T7. 1.75 Stem def. Tomke- Week 3, 2006
T9. 2.25 Viano def. Radcliffe- Week 13, 2004
T9. 2.25 Whitlock def. Viano- Week 3, 2005
T9. 2.25 Brendel def. Gieryna- Week 13, 2006

Consecutive Wins

T1. 8 Ed Schillinger- Week 7- Week 14, 2006; 8 Andy Viano- Week 2-9, 2004
2. 7 Andrew Stem- Week 1-7, 2005; 7 JR Radcliffe- Week 8-14, 2005
4. 6 Ed Schillinger- Week 1-6, 2005
5. 5 Drew Wolf- Week 10-14, 2004; Ed Schillinger- Week 1-Week 5, 2006; Andy Viano- Week 4- Week 9, 2006; JR Radcliffe- Week 6- Week 11, 2006

Consecutive Wins (all-inclusive)

1. 9 Ed Schillinger- Week 14, 2004- Week 6, 2005
2. 8 Ed Schillinger- Week 14, 2005- Week 5, 2006

Consecutive Losses

1. 9 Lincoln Souzek- Week 6- Week 14, 2006
2. 8 Andrew Stem- Week 2-9, 2004
3. 7 Dave Tomke- Week 3-9, 2005; 7 Lincoln Souzek- Week 5-11, 2005
4. 6 Lincoln Souzek- Week 9-14, 2004; Dave Tomke- Week 1-Week 6, 2006
5. 5 JR Radcliffe- Week 3-7, 2005; Andrew Stem- Week 6- Week 11, 2006

Consecutive Losses (all-inclusive)

1. 7 Lincoln Souzek- Week 9, 2004- Week 1, 2005; 7 Dave Tomke- Week 14, 2005- Week 6, 2006
2. 6 Baron Brendel- Week 10, 2005- Week 1, 2006

Games over 100 Points

1. Ed Schillinger- 35
2. Andy Viano- 30
3. Eli Gieryna- 27
4. JR Radcliffe- 27
5. Drew Wolf- 25
6. Brent Whitlock- 23
7. Andrew Stem- 18
8. Lincoln Souzek- 12
9. Baron Brendel- 8
10. Dave Tomke- 7

Career Win-Loss

1. Ed Schillinger 32-10
2. Andy Viano 26-16
3. JR Radcliffe 26-16
4. Drew Wolf 25-17
5. Brent Whitlock 20-22
6. Eli Gieryna 20-22
7. Andrew Stem 19-23
8. Baron Brendel 11-17
9. Lincoln Souzek 10-32
10. Dave Tomke 7-21

Playoff Percentages Revisited

"The Philiadelphia Eagles are different with Jeff Garcia."
-Chris Berhman

While things are different in the VUFSA playoff picture since the last time I discussed the issue, I find that in actuality only Dave Tomke has pushed more toward the homosexual side since my playoff percentages post. The intense passion shared between Tomke and the Cowboys' QB was not enough, however, to warrant him starting this past week. But I shall start by saying that my playoff percentages blog was fairly inaccurate. Being an owner who is giddy with playoff fever, though, I will be a good sport and revisit the issue and show just how dumb I was back in week 4.

Who Is Ron Mexico? chances of making the playoffs -25%

This was a prediction I got right. You cannot start 0-4 and expect to make the playoffs. 0-3, sure, but 0-4 absolutely not. In reality, Tomke would go 4-6 the rest of the way, which is respectable enough. Solid trades - acquiring Willis McGahee - and significant waiver wire pick ups - the aforementioned Tony Romo - led Tomke to play close to .500 ball down the stretch. While he may be in decent shape for next season, he indeed had no shot this year.

Father Abraham chances of making the playoffs: 0.4%

Here again I did pretty well. While the negative percentages probably should have been placed on Father Abraham and not Who Is Ron Mexico, the bottom line is that neither made the playoffs and neither was predicted to do so. After writing the playoff post, Souzek would win the next week out but never again, ending the season on a nine game losing streak despite putting up close to or over 100 points half the time out. I still maintain that this is the best last place team in any sport that the VUFSA has ever seen, in what can only be a sadly bittersweet descriptor for Lincoln's season.

Tice's Partyboat chances of making the playoffs: 1.9%

Happily, this one was very very wrong. I attribute my success after starting in such a hole to Bernie Kosar. This post with his number fired up the troops, leading them, much like Kosar, to the conference championship game only to fizzle out before making the Super Bowl. Next year, I'm going to try and not start 0-3 and again make the playoffs. That 3 game handicap leads to way too much stress the rest of the way complete with sweating and heart palpatations, which now that I think about it, may be caused by my infatuation with Maurice Jones-Drew. Guys named Drew are soooooo good.

Cellar Dwellers chances of making the playoffs: 15%

From the original post:

"Shaun Alexander is out and there appears to be no sense of urgency to fix the gaping hole left by the NFL's MVP. Can Stem leave Anthony Thomas in the hole and risk falling out of contention? My brain says there's an 85% chance no. "

My brain now says 0%. There was no urgency to fix the Alexander situation, and really there was no urgency to do anything, including taking inactive players out of the line-up. Now that I think about it, has anyone spoken to Stem recently? Is he still alive and well? Despite this inaction, Stem did stumble upon five wins this year but was unable to capture the lightning from last year and return to the VUFSA Championship Game. 15% seems like a fairly accurate number for a modestly decent team that most felt would not be actively seeking stop gaps.

Naj Davenport's Poop chances of making the playoffs: 40%

Here's another one that didn't exactly pan out. The second seeded team was given less than a 50-50 shot at making the postseason. Looking at what I wrote then and how I feel about the team now, not much has changed except for the team's record. Viano has found a way to win despite a roster that is very up and down. Peyton Manning has taken his winter hibernation. Ronnie Brown went down for the rest of the VUFSA season a couple weeks back. Then trades only sort of met the needs of the Poop as Santana Moss was acquired but didn't crack the starting line-up over Matt Jones. While I was terribly wrong about the percentage here, I am concerned about the playoff push given the roster shuffling in the last two weeks.

Fresh Legs chances of making the playoffs: 50%

Here is a prediction that I feel turned out, as Baron was in it until the very last week of the season. While two of the three outcomes Baron needed to have happen didn't (Drew/Champ loss, Baron win), the bottom line is that he was in it until the very end. If Morris doesn't take a victory from him on a Thursday, maybe things would have been different and transactions would have been influenced (such as dumping off Lavernaeus Coles). We'll never know, but Baron had a decent if not slightly disappointing season, more in his own eyes than anyone's as this expansion team came to fight in 2006.

The Nihilist Marmot chances of making the playoffs: 50%

Another team that I was off just slightly on. JR would make the playoffs if not for a little late season sweat. Now, he probably has the best chance to knock off Edwin's Empire as any of the playoff teams. The aging team closely resembles the 2005 Blaine Browns, but hey, do what you can with Randy Moss, Warrick Dunn, and Edgerrin James. Curtis Martin is still available and Chris Brown is probably pretty cheap if you went knocking. JR has won 7 of his last 9 with his only 2 losses during this time coming at the hands of playoff teams. The voodoo worked again.

ChamPeons chances of making the playoffs: 60%

From the original post:

Overall, though, I think that this is a team that is going to be fighting right down to the wire.

And indeed they did go right down to the wire. The final two weeks of the season, Champ merely needed a single victory or a single Tice's Partyboat defeat. Neither happened, and ChamPeons just missed out on their first ever trip to the VUFSA postseason. Brent probably should have made the playoffs over me, especially considering that whole 0-3 start thing, and a 60% chance strikes me as a fairly solid psychic stab. He has young players to bulid with next year and with another stellar draft like this past one, he will make it in 2007.

The Slumpbusters chances of making the playoffs: 90%

Well what do you know? That didn't work out. On October 18th, Eli was #1 in the power rankings having just posted a record number of points in handing The Spreadsheet their only loss of the season. I remember JR posting somewhere at sometime, "Of all the Eli collapses, this one will be the most fun." While not a joyous time for The Gun, the rest of the season was downhill. The Slumpbusters would lose 7 of their next 8 with their 1 win coming at the hands of the last place Father Abraham. Perhaps concerned that like Rocky Balboa in Apollo Creed's final fight, he wouldn't throw in the towel at the right time, Eli packed in before he was really out of it. A trade sending Marc Bulger and Warrick Dunn to one of his top playoff competitors signaled the end of the year for The Gun who will have to once again try and figure out how to keep early season momentum going all year long, all the while destroying us in fantasy baseball and basketball. I, for one, attribute his poor performance due to a lack of Jon Clayton updates. How I miss thee!

Madd Skillz chances of making the playoffs: 100%

No questions here. The best team in probably in any fantasy league anywhere with the best quarterback, running back, and wide receiver (and really multiple deep at these spots) was never tested. It took a record breaking performance to hand them a loss, and in a league where 8 wins is good for a spot in the playoffs, Ed had it clinched by week 9. There was never any doubt that he would make the playoffs and there really shouldn't be for next year either so long as LT, Rudi, Larry Johnson and company come back healthy in 2007.

In all, I pegged this year's playoff teams as having a 1.9%, 40%, 50%, and 100% chance of making it in. Not so hot, but I did do alright on some of the other teams that did not make it. A fun excercise in guessing that made for an interesting post. And for my early season prediction for 2007? Andrew Hanson wins it all.

Ed has destroyed the blog.

Also, he has ruined Christmas, the joy of fantasy football, the thrill of Brandon Jacobs, Tony Romo and generic Wang, and puppies.

That is all. Will we be having playoff press conferences?

I just needed a new post. I am getting sick of DeJuan. No offense, DeJuan.

Christmas with the C3POs

By DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

O holy night and shit! The stars be shining sparkly, hallelujas and all that jazz and it's Christmas time! Who's ready for presents? Dog, I better hope this year's festival of navidady is better than last year, when my dipshit brother D-Unit Reptilion C3P0 spoiled everything by eating all the fruit cake and then farting while we was saying grace. Shit dog, you don't mess with grace.

Also, I will not be purchasing any gifts for any of my lovelies this time around, as I did for the fine Virginia Sanchez last holiday. Yo, she was trying to get her certification to be a nurse and shit so I got her a nurse's outfit. Dog, it's hard for a dude to buy a chick nice clothing, it ain't my fault that I got it a size or two too small.

1. Madd Skillz. Baby Jesus has given Ed Schillinger two thumbs up, cuz this donkey is 12-1 and just waiting for the paperwork to be filed so he can run to the nearest pawn shop and get himself another plaque tag. Dog, DO NOT get your plaque shit from Sandra Washington at Trophys, Inc. on Third Street – she looks fine and all and she's as easy as pancakes on wheat, but she was a dude up until the mid-1990s. I have proof.

2. The Nihilist Marmot. Someone give that little bitch an asterisk! With his clinching all but automatic, the Ethos-Absent Rodent picked up a win over his probable first round playoff opponent, the Poo, and the Poo is falling apart, folks. Happens when you flush, that's just a dirty fact of life. So for now, the tentative edge goes to Marmot. Get that shit? Edge. Like Edgerrin James. Good looking man. Better looking than when he played on the Partyboat.

3. Naj Davenport’s Poop. He's still gonna be the second seed and he's still probably gonna have at least Hines Ward for the playoffs, and he's still eminently do-able. But there are other cats (Chris Henry, Willis McGahee, Greg Jennings) who have been nursing injuries or closely resemble Asian women. And having Morris on his team is tempting fate and shit, similar to when I told a reasonably attractive woman tending airport security that I had thirty guns in my briefcase. I was hoping for a strip search, and folks, I got one. It's not even one-eighth as kinky as it sounds.

4. Tice’s Partyboat. The whiny little slut needs a win and Champ Whitlock to lose in the final week of the season, and he'll get into the playoffs despite an 0-3 start to the season. LL Cool J calls that a comeback, and encourages us to do it and do it and do it well. Champ gets Skillz, endorsed by Baby Jesus, and Tice gets that diseased Mexican in his last battle of the season, so advantage, Float of Fornication. Shit, bringing Ron Mexico and Tice's Partyboat together can only mean one thing: uninhibited burning desire. Feel the burn, hussies.

5. ChamPeons. All the babyfaced badass had to do was defeat the minister of inactivity, Andrew Stem, but somewhere between expired trade offers, inactive players starting and the occasional crucial update on college football, Stem's team came to play. Take that, haters. Bad news for Champ, who now has an uphill task back to the playoffs. Cheer for Mexicans to storm across the border! Shit, that was political satire right there.

6. Fresh Legs. Technically, the fat one has a chance, just like technically I have a chance to get freaky with Halle Berry in the hallway next to the elevator outside my apartment. He needs to win, outscore Champ by 21 points, and have both Champ and Drew lose. Disappointment will ensue, my babes in toyland. But it's Christmas! And I'm frisky.

Others of disinterest:
7. The Slumpbusters. Dog should change his name to "The Slump" now that he's lost four straight.
8. Who is Ron Mexico? When he's not getting his manlove on with Tony Romo, he's busy stockpiling keeper running backs.
9. Cellar Dwellars. (this space intentionally without comment)
10. Father Abraham. I will send you some Christmas cookies, my good man.

Week 13 Recap

What's up little bitches? I'm back with a possibly futile attempt to breathe life back into the VUFSA blog with my inability to morph personalities and straightforward "analysis" of a fantasy sports league. Buckle Up.

=================

Cellar Dwellers: 127.25
ChamPeons: 94.00

Game Summary: This is the big one because Champ needed just a win over the lowly Dwellers to all but clinch a playoff spot. The score that CHM put up was decent enough, but still measured as the #8 tally of the week.

Cellar Dwellers (5-8): All around, an awesome week for Stem. Didn't get a 20 point performance from anyone yet still notched their top score of the season, by far. Seven offensive starters scored in double figures, led as expected by Shaun Alexander. Justin Fargas even got in on the fun. Oh, and DEMECO RYANS! 14 tackles and a sack, int, ff and fr. That's incredible. 19.25 from a defender. Well done Andrew.

ChamPeons (7-6): Just a lot of performances that fall short this week: Andre Johnson, Laurence Maroney and Ben Watson all had 1 point or less, plus Joseph Addai and Lee Evans were underwhelming. Did get a great day from Corey Dillon and a nice showing from Biker Ben, plus 15 points from Shawne Merriman. Speaking of Shawne, is it too early to put stock in a "Curse of Shawne Merriman?"

Where we stand: Champ still controls his own destiny. He holds a 129 point tiebreaker edge over TPB, so a win gets them into the playoffs. Problem is, they have SKL on the schedule for next week. Stem has now pulled even with Eli this season (huh?) and has to have renewed faith for next season.

====================

The Nihilist Marmot: 128.75
Naj Davenport's Poop: 74.00

Game Summary: Radcliffe overcomes last week's debacle with a resounding win over potential first round opponent NDP. Injuries came to the forefront for the Poopmaster, but TNM was exceptional so it may not have mattered.

The Nihilist Marmot (8-5): Though yahoo refuses to acknowledge it with an asterisk, TNM has clinched a playoff spot by virtue of a 100+ point tiebreaker edge over TPB. Tony Gonzalez has been superb at times this season, and this week was phenomanal. Harrison, Barber, Bulger and even Edgerrin James were very good, easing the mind of the Radmonium as he heads for his 3rd postseason.

Naj Davenport's Poop (9-4): I don't know what to make of this loss, but I'm not making much. Injuries are easy to blame, contributing to 3 WRs scoring a combined 2.50 points. Willis McGahee did a nice job in place of the injured and traded Ronnie Brown. Peyton Manning has been exceedingly average recently, but the good news is the Colts are a while from locking up homefield, so he may stay in all four quarters from here on out. Marion Barber is awesome. Remember when Julius Jones was a big deal in this league? Has a still-healthy, still-starting, still-effective RB ever fallen out of the public conscious this quickly? Sammy Morris and Willie Parker showed up, but were uninspiring.

Where we stand: Both teams are in the playoffs, and if TNM wins next week, they will face off in the first round. Seeding is irrelevant, but NDP has a 31 point edge for the #2. TNM is now back on track, while NDP is slipping heading into the final week.

=====================

Fresh Legs: 98.25
The Slumpbusters: 96.50

Game Summary: A game I never paid much attention to after Sunday night, assuming ot was over, it was a genuine suprise to me on Tuesday Morning that Baron had pulled through. Brian Westbrook squeezed out 17 Monday Night Thundering Points to keep Baron's slim chances alive. The man just won't die.

Fresh Legs (6-7): Deuce McAllister still found some points during Shit-Tonfest in New Orleans on Sunday. Ahman Green, Chris Chambers and Carson Palmer all went for double digits, and Alge Crumpler has been a tremendous pickup for FL, producing another solid 10 point day. Thomas Jones and the Bears offense is troubling, but Baron has the RB depth to overcome a mediocre day.

The Slumpbusters (5-8): Solid days from all three RBs, including Wali Lundy and a rejuvinated Tatum Bell. Steven Jackson and Torry Holt did their thing per usual. Antonio Bryant threw up a sober 12 points, but Santonio Holmes and Roy Williams did not pull their weight. Jay Cutler had a very Grossman-esque 9 point Sunday Night, but is still a keeper candidate and a future star.

Where we stand: In addition to needing a win, Baron needs a lot of help. Not only does he have to beat the league's #2 team, but he needs both CHM and TPB to lose, while outscoring CHM by 22 points. Entirely possible, sure, but there are an awful lot of things that have to go the way of FL. We've seen some pretty incredible things during our 2 week 14s, and this would rank as the #1 suprise if Baron can pull it off.

====================

Tice's Partyboat: 125.50
Father Abraham: 74.25

Game Summary: Drew was just very, very good this week.

Tice's Partyboat (7-6): Three 20+ performers (Vick, DeAngelo Williams and LaDell Betts) for the Wolfman plus double digits from three other players. Marty Booker (?) has been on fire the last two weeks, and Maurice Jones-Drew always seems to find his way into the endzone. Brandon Jacobs didn't do much fantasy wise, but he is a hell of a lot of fun to watch run. Honeslty, I don't think the 10 of us could bring him down in the open field, no blockers needed.

Father Abraham (2-9): A handsome loss for FA, who was solid all the way around- but didn't have a single super performance to lift the team up. Matt Leinart was serviceable, and- dare I say it- is possibly a more intriguing QB option than perpetually injured Donovan McNabb? Maybe not, considering Donovan's once torrid pace, but it's not as big a slam dunk as you might think. Jamal Lewis, Fred Taylor, Leon Washington- all fine, but really not enough to make up for just two men breaking 10 points.

Where we stand: A remarkable run for the Wolfman, and he's guaranteed no worse than a .500 season, after an utter disaster to start things off. Needs to win, first and foremost next week, and after that needs a Champ loss. Drew can't feel too bad about his scenario after all that's gone down this season. Lincoln has tied a VUFSA record for consective losses, his last victory coming in week 5. He also clinches the #1 draft spot. Congratulations on Adrian Peterson.

=======================

Madd Skillz: 131.00
Who Is Ron Mexico: 121.50

Game Summary: It's a shame that the weekend's best game is relegated to the bottom spot only because it was the only one with no impact on the playoff picture. Tomke's lover Tony Romo let him down during the late games, as a good performance out of him puts the game just about out of reach. As it was, it was well within Steve Smith range for SKL's second monday night thunder win of the season.

Madd Skillz (12-1): Sets a VUFSA record for wins in a season. Sets a VUFSA record for total points in a season. Has won 7 straight. Everyone hates me. I know that. You have to believe me when I say that I'm sorry. I'm an asshole. Please still be my friends.

Who is Ron Mexico (4-9): Ties a personal best thanks to a 37.50 point explosion from Reggie Bush. Cedric Houston also got in on the fun early, putting up 24.50. TJ Housmandzadeh outscored both of SKL's Bengals, and oustide of those three it was a truly disappointing week. Braylon Edwards did catch a TD, but Romo was miserable, Deion Branch was poor, Muhsin Muhammed disappeared, and Zach Crockett started. Hurt by the injury to Marques Colston. If Shit-Ton can be half as good as he was this past weekend every week next year, Dave's going to be a force, and we're going to hear about it, that's for damn sure.

Where we stand: SKL can potentially ruin the CHM season, but has to deal with a potentially significant injury to Chester Taylor. WIRM has acquired Ronnie Brown to go with Reggie Bush to give himself a killer 1-2 punch at RB. Well done, Dave.

The Open Thread Death Knell

I have a feeling that no one cares about these anymore and we won't get any response, but I'll give it one last go-round. I'll even include a holiday video; it's a recording of an interview with Spinal Tap about their song "Christmas With the Devil," followed by a live performance.

Merry Christmas.


The rats ate all the presents and the reindeer ran away.

Week 13 Preview

Since Ed doesn't deal with us anymore, I'm going to take five seconds and write a preview for this weekend.

Game of the Week
The Nihilist Marmot over Naj Davenport's Poop
Wayne, Harrison will eat Manning's points.

Other games
Tice's Partyboat over Father Abraham
Ladell Betts = season savior.

Fresh Legs over Slumpbusters
Mediocre beats awful.

Madd Skillz over Who is Ron Mexico?
Steinbrenner wins again.

ChamPeons over Cellar Dwellers
Frank Gore against New Orleans.

Top 10 Drafts

I suppose once in a while it's cool to resurrect the Top 10, and since I get to play all day on account of snow, there's no time like the present. I went back through the archives of our draft results to see who actually had a good draft. It's been chronicled by Eli that a good draft means nothing in this game if you don't have worthwhile keepers, so take it for what it's worth. The term "steals" is used very loosely here, in most circumstances.

10. Father Abraham. Top picks: Domanick Davis, Fred Taylor, LenDale White, Joey Galloway. Steals: Ben Roethlisberger, Jerramy Stevens. It was a mostly awful draft, but not because Lincoln had a bad eye for talent. Injuries to Davis and White were crippling, even if Taylor surprised everyone by NOT getting injured. Joey Galloway (until recently) and Drew Bennett were somewhat bust receivers, and Roethlisberger's troubles were well documented.

9. Cellar Dwellars. Top picks: Tom Brady, Derrick Mason, Greg Jones, Donte Stallworth. Steals: LJ Smith, Jon Kitna. The loss of Greg Jones before the season even started was offset by the breakout performance of Donte Stallworth, but once he went to the injury graveyard, this draft became a whole lot less likeable. Mason has been up and down with just two touchdowns and very little beyond a Lions mercy pick in the 19th round came through unexpectedly.

8. Tice's Partyboat. Top picks: Chris Brown, Donald Driver, Alge Crumpler, Trent Green. Steals: Keyshawn Johnson. Lots of reasonably decent name guys like Kevin Curtis, Marcus Robinson and Jermaine Wiggins populate this draft, but disappearances to Brown and Green make it mostly mediocre. Driver has proven his worth and then some, but nobody else distinguished themselves. I guess Alge Crumpler, the fifth best tight end in the game, has done his share.

7. The Nihilist Marmot. Top picks: Darell Jackson, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Kurt Warner, Mike Anderson. Steals: Antonio Bryant. The first two picks make for a powerful and consistent fantasy tandem, both among the game's top 10 receivers, and Kurt Warner's first week made this draft look outstanding for a bit. A trade of Housh and the death of Kurt made it less so, and the lack of a solid running back option or a breakout in later rounds made this an average venture only.

6. Fresh Legs. Top picks: Dominic Rhodes, Ahman Green, Reggie Brown, Laveranues Coles. Steals: Cedrick Wilson, Rod Smith. The draft gets high marks mostly for Coles alone, since Brendel's fourth choice in the draft has blossomed into a grade-A fantasy receiver. Green has had a productive bounceback year, even if Rhodes has seen his role diminished.

5. Naj Davenport's Poop. Top picks: Mike Bell, Cedric Benson, Javon Walker, Marion Barber. Steals: Greg Jennings, Matt Jones. Jennings, despite being a pick near the bottom of the draft and having some injury troubles, is an outside keeper possibility, and getting Walker and Barber helped solidify Viano's team big time. Peripherals like Jerious Norwood and Matt Jones could be much, much worse.

4. Who is Ron Mexico. Top picks: Reggie Bush, DeAngelo Williams, Deion Branch, Chris Cooley. Steals: Lawrence Tynes. Bush failed to live up to immediate expectations, but he's still a multi-year keeper. Williams has been productive, and it made for a reasonable back-to-back pick package for keeper-thirsty Tomke. I'd still take Muhsin Muhammad over three of Tomke's keepers, and Muhammad was his fifth choice. Branch has proven to have some value, as well.

3. Madd Skillz. Top picks: Antonio Gates, Kevan Barlow, Matt Hasselbeck, T.J. Duckett. Steals: Terry Glenn, Brandon Jacobs, Kellen Winslow, Phillip Rivers, Wali Lundy. We can make fun of Ed because his draft does not compare to his keepers, and Kevan Barlow was still inexplicably his second round choice, but he still came out with lots of helpful talent from the later rounds, whether or not he kept all of it. Jacobs is a future superhero, Winslow and Rivers had productive breakout seasons, and Lundy is a starter in Houston. Hasselbeck was hurt but remains an attractive fantasy option, and Glenn was one of the better gets in the entire drft.

2. The Slumpbusters. Top picks: Roy Williams, Santana Moss, Jeremy Shockey, Tatum Bell. Steals: Michael Vick, Benjamin Watson. If you forgive his selection of Kyle Orton, you can see this draft is stocked with keepers (Williams, Vick), serviceable starters (Bell, Watson, Shockey) and a couple guys like Santana Moss and Matt Leinart that can't be counted out, either. A very good draft.

1.. ChamPeons. Top picks: Corey Dillon, Laurence Maroney, Joseph Addai, Lee Evans. Steals: Cedric Houston. This is one of the reasons Champ is going to make the playoffs ... an outstanding first four choices in the draft. It seemed everyone walked into the draft looking for a running back, maybe two, and Champ somehow came away with three. The three running backs were not only great selections, but they've stayed on his team all year thanks to decent effectiveness and at least two of them are keeper-likely. Evans was a terrific fourth choice.

Power Ranklings

By Eli
Bitter Fantasy Football Loser

1. Madd Skillz: Honest to God, this is the best fantasy football team anywhere in America. I have a hard time believing that any other team, in any other league, is this good. And what's most impressive about this is, looking back, Ed Schillinger had a pretty terrible draft. His first six picks were: the fifth-best tight end in the league, Kevan Barlow, an injured Matt Hasselback, TJ Duckett, Drew Bledsoe and Brandon Lloyd. He had some nice picks with Brandon Jacobs and Philip Rivers, but I think it just goes to show how dominating his group of keepers is. What a bitch.

2. ChamPeons: That's right. Champ is the No. 2. Joseph Addai and Laurence Maroney are tearing it up -- and Champ may now possess the strongest group of WRs in the league. And best of all for Champ, none of his key players are going to take a seat during the playoffs. That quarterback situation is a little disconcerting, as is Iowa's lackluster 2-3 start in basketball.

3. Naj Davenport's Poop: Andy Viano's team is very banged up, now only has one starting running back, and is a few weeks away from its annual ritual of watching Peyton Manning sit down and not give them any fantasy points during the most important time of the year. They drop.

4. The Nihilist Marmot: I'm still at a loss as to how this team name isn't just redundant. Do most marmots have beliefs and ideologies? Would a nihilist marmot actually be some sort of anomaly? I didn't realize that they were generally a bunch of self-aware motherfucking mammals. Anyway, this team is pretty good, despite its stinker of a week. Madd Skillz has to be a little nervous about a Week 14 matchup in which both Indy receivers get to tee off against the Cincy secondary. That is, if they're still on the field.

5. Tice's Partyboat: Still in it, because the players on his team love to score touchdowns. Not bad for a guy who gave up eight weeks ago.

6. Fresh Legs: Yes, you are allowed to be bitter, Baron. Your team should be on the fringe of the playoffs, but instead is out of the race. The good news is that you can look forward to next year, when Carson Palmer will be fully healthy and should throw for 5,000 yards. The bad news is that you probably won't be able to have lunch with him.

7. Who is Ron Mexico?: If the VUFSA gave out a Most Improved Player award, we'd probably give it to someone else besides Tomke. Just because.

8. The Slumpbusters: AR-LEN HAR-RIS! clap clap clapclapclap.

9. Father Abraham: He owns Chris Bosh, and that's something of which we are very envious.

10. Cellar Dwellers: Last league activity: Mon Nov 20 9:46am CST

Random Observations From The Wolfman

I don't have the energy for a thought out, well organized post, but since this blog could use some energy, I figured some random thoughts might create some discussion and Tomke making fun.

-Not that it's any consolation, but I think Lincoln has the best last place team we've ever had in the VUFSA. 7 of his 9 losses have come by less than 11 points and he's up over 100 points this week.

-There was an agreed upon, completed, and unprecedented three way deal that was completed two week ago that would have sent Donovan McNabb to ChamPeons, Cadillac, Jones-Drew, and Vick to Lincoln and Joseph Addai to Tice's Partyboat. How happy is Champ that McNabb tore off his leg one day prior to the trade being formally accepted by Yahoo? And susbequently how bummed are Lincoln and I that we were unable to move the players involved before said injury?

-How the mighty have fallen. Randy Moss put on waivers.

-Just to piss off half the posters here: how about that team of destiny?

-"Throw in" guys Kellen Winslow and Lance Briggs sure have paid dividens in the Brees for Jacobs deal.

-Speaking of Brees, I read somewhere that I now cannot find or therefore verify, that in his last five games, he has more passing yards than anyone else in any five game span in history. As if Ed's Empire needs more help.

-And he got it on a double touchdown when Mr. Touchdown Ladanian Tomlinson decided to abuse the Raiders in completing a pass to Antonio Gates.

-I hold no ill will toward Edwin's Empire, though, because his team operation calls me at work with updates. Even when my pharmacy is closed because there aren't enough pharmacists resulting in a fun game of "verbally abuse the guy in the sexy grey smock who is the highest ranking guy here".

-Tony Romo is going to be kept over Eli Manning. NO ONE saw that coming a month ago.

-My last three opponents not named Ed will score less than 80 points. Yet, if I win out (Lincoln and Tomke), my only losses this season come against playoff teams. Awesome scheduling meant I got three of the four bound for the playoffs twice.

-Chad Johnson's first 9 games? 482 yards and 3 TDs. Chad Johnson's last 3 games? 573 yards and 5 TDs.

-Kevin Jones is silly.

-To make the playoffs, Champ needs to win against either Stem or Ed. JR needs to win against Viano or Lincoln. Or either team needs me to lose one of my last two. I need to win my last two and have either JR or Champ lose their last two. Not exactly the cluster and countless scenarios we had this time last year. In fact, everything could be all wrapped up before the last week of the season.

-Todd Heap outscored Peyton Manning.

-Who would you start? Corey Dillon or Laurence Maroney?

-Tomke is going to have 4 players score 2 points or less, and yet, thanks to Romo, will have over 100 points.

-For those of you unaware, we have a basketball league and Champ wants to know where Michael Jordan is.

-So Hines Ward left in the third quarter of Pittsburgh's game and Ronnie Brown broke his hand on Thanksgiving. That means the second best team in the league will potentially have to rely on Drew Bennett and Sammy Morris to win it all. Ew. (This on the heels of the infallible Peyton Manning throwing as many picks as touchdowns the last two weeks.)

-Welcome to the ARC, Marquette! Enjoy Urule's hair and don't embarass us.

-Lastly, and the point I found most interesting, the Arizona Cardinals attempted 6 rushes the entire game against the Vikings. One of them was a Matt Leinart run for 0 yards, which I have to believe was a scramble and not a designed play. Did Dennis Green think he still had Daunte and Moss in the Metrodome or has he really lost that much faith in Edgerrin James?

About that Ronnie Brown Pants Crapping...

Morris overturned Ronnie Brown's fumble from last week. Viano wins and moves to 8-3. Drew drops to 5-6, suffering from the same type of loss he once beamed about earlier this year.

Wow. Two in one year.

BCS Fantasy Teams

When I get bored at work, I need something to occupy my mind. Lately, I've been wondering which collegiate conference produces the best Fantasy Football players. I've ranked the 6 BCS conferences, then threw in the Non-Major conferences and a singular college, to even things up, then ranked them 1-8. The list is taken from where the players school is now, not the conference they played in; hence the shittiness of the Big East. Don't judge me.

8. Non-BCS Schools

Every Non-BCS conference school as well as lower divisions are counted here. Despite evidence to the contrary, I do have a life and don't have time to get rosters for the MAC and Conference USA. They're ranked 8th, despite being the best team because it's not really fair to grab from such a wide group. Probably would be deepest at QB if I bothered to look past Romo- I didn't because I knew the first comment up would be "where's romo, fucker?" from Dave. Best WRs and best RBs are here.

QB- Tony Romo (Eastern Illinois)
RB- LaDanian Tomlinson (TCU)
RB- Brian Westbrook (Villanova)
RB- Chester Taylor (Toledo)
WR- Marques Colston (Hofstra)
WR- Terrell Owens (UT-Chattanooga)
WR- Steve Smith (Utah)
TE- Antonio Gates (Kent St.)
Flex- Julius Jones (Notre Dame)
K- Jeff Wilkins (Youngstown State)
D- Jason Taylor (Akron)
D- London Fletcher (John Carroll)
D- Brian Urlacher (New Mexico)

Notable Bench Players: Brandon Jacobs (Southern Illinois), Donald Driver (Alcorn St), Joe Horn (Itawamba JC)

7. Big East

Strong at QB but woefully short at RB. Can't even fill out the roster. The receivers in this lineup are actually very good, but really Kevan Barlow is the only RB from a school in this conference. Steve Slaton and Ray Rice can't graduate soon enough.

QB- Donovan McNabb (Syracuse)
RB- Kevan Barlow (Pittsburgh)
RB- None
RB- None
WR- Larry Fitzgerald (Pittsburgh)
WR- Marvin Harrison (Syracuse)
WR- Deion Branch (Louisville)
TE- LJ Smith (Rutgers)
Flex- Chris Henry (West Virginia)
K- David Akers (Louisville)
D- Kerry Rhodes (Louisville)
D- Keith Bulluck (Syracuse)
D- Gerald Hayes (Pittsburgh)

Bench: Marc Bulger (West Virginia), Antonio Bryant (Pittsburgh)

6. Big XII

Honestly, I had no idea the Big 12 would be this bad. Only Roy Williams is considered a Stud in the VUFSA. The Big 12 really produces really shitty offensive players, although Ahman Green was an elite player way back when. Can't even find a WR3 or a Flex back and Bo Scaife is their TE. A league that has clearly built it's reputation on defense.

QB- Vince Young (Texas)
RB- Ahman Green (Nebraska)
RB- Tatum Bell (Oklahoma St.)
RB- Cedric Benson (Texas)
WR- Roy Williams (Texas)
WR- Mark Clayton (Oklahoma)
WR- None
TE- Bo Scaife (Texas)
Flex- None
K- Phil Dawson (Texas)
D- Tommie Harris (Oklahoma)
D- Justin Smith (Missouri)
D- Zach Thomas (Texas Tech)

Bench: Chris Simms (Texas), Corell Buckhalter (Nebraska)

5. Big 10

Was very close to cracking the top half, but a lost a toss-up with a similarly disappointing Pac-10. The QBs (Brees and Brady) are interchangeable and Larry Johnson is a man, but this year, former teammates Maroney and Barber are hit or miss. For a league that claims to be all about black and blue, has some pretty good pass-catchers. Best bench in the rankings. Big 10 has the best kickers as well, and that's not even really close.

QB- Tom Brady (Michigan)
RB- Larry Johnson (Penn State)
RB- Marion Barber (Minnesota)
RB- Laurence Maroney (Minnesota)
WR- Plaxico Burress (Michigan State)
WR- Lee Evans (Shithole University)
WR- Joey Galloway (Ohio State)
TE- Dallas Clark (Iowa)
Flex- LaDell Betts (Iowa)
K- Robbie Gould (Penn State)
D- Aaron Kampman (Iowa)
D- Julian Peterson (Michigan State)
D- AJ Hawk (Ohio State)

Bench: Drew Brees (Purdue), Anthony Thomas (Michigan), Terry Glenn (Ohio State), Muhsin Muhammed (Michigan St.), Chris Chambers (Shithole), Owen Daniels (Shithole), Nate Kaeding (Iowa)

4. Pac-10

I was astounded at the relative weakness of the Pac-10 skill position players. I was expecting this to be by far the best offense, and I was by far wrong. USC did most of the damage, expectedly, but Oregon State may have the three best players on the roster.

QB- Carson Palmer (USC)
RB- Steven Jackson (Oregon State)
RB- Maurice Jones-Drew (UCLA)
RB- Corey Dillon (Washington)
WR- Chad Johnson (Oregon State)
WR- TJ Houshmandzedah (Oregon State)
WR- Keyshawn Johnson (USC)
TE- Todd Heap (Arizona St)
Flex- Reggie Bush (USC)
K- Ryan Longwell (California)
D- Donnie Edwards (UCLA)
D- Lofa Tatupu (USC)
D- Troy Polamalu (USC)

Bench: Matt Leinart (USC), DeShaun Foster (UCLA), Mike Bell (Arizona), Reggie Williams (Washington), Tony Gonzalez (Cal)

3. University of Miami

There's a sizeable gap between spots 3 and the rest of the group. That's saying something because #3 is a single school. When doing the original rosters, the Big East was so far and away the best, I had to level the playing field. I had them at #1 once I made Miami it's own conference, but no QB or kicker drops them. Plus, I hate Michael Irvin. If they had stayed in the Big East, the Big East would probably be #1.

QB- The still alive Vinny Testaverde
RB- Frank Gore
RB- Clinton Portis
RB- Edgerrin James
WR- Andre Johnson
WR- Reggie Wayne
WR- Santana Moss
TE- Kellen Winslow II
Flex- Willis McGahee
K- None
D- Ray Lewis
D- Ed Reed
D- Johnathan Vilma

Bench: Jeremy Shockey

2. SEC

The SEC is very close to #1, thanks to the best RB depth in the rankings. I was expecting this to be the #2 conference (behind the Pac-10) and was sort of right. Manning jumps to mind first, of course, then the Auburn backs keep your attention. I didn't realize Georgia had been such fertile ground for skilled offensive players in recent years. Tough call.

QB- Peyton Mannning (Tennesee)
RB- Rudi Johnson (Auburn)
RB- Ronnie Brown (Auburn)
RB- Fred Taylor (Florida)
WR- Darrell Jackson (Florida)
WR- Hines Ward (Georgia)
WR- Reggie Brown (Georgia)
TE- Ben Watson (Georgia)
Flex- Deuce McAllister (Mississippi)
K- John Kasay (Georgia)
D- Leonard Little (Tennessee)
D- Will Witherspoon (Georgia)
D- Alex Brown (Florida)

Bench: Rex Grossman (Florida), Carnell Williams (Auburn), Travis Henry (Tennessee), Joseph Addai (LSU), Jamal Lewis (Tennessee), Donte Stallworth (Tennessee), Jason Witten (Tennessee), Randy McMichael (Georgia)

1. ACC

A bit of a suprise, until you look at the roster. There is some talent on the bench for the ACC as well. Best WRs other than the "Independent" team and the most consistent RB corps as well. Philip Rivers' ascension to elite QB seals the deal for team ACC.

QB- Philip Rivers (NC State)
RB- Willie Parker (North Carolina)
RB- Tiki Barber (Virginia)
RB- Kevin Jones (Virginia Tech)
WR- Javon Walker (Florida State)
WR- Anquan Boldin (Florida State)
WR- Torry Holt (NC State)
TE- Alge Crumpler (North Carolina)
Flex- Thomas Jones (Virginia)
K- Shayne Graham (Virginia Tech)
D- Julius Peppers (North Carolina)
D- Ronde Barber (Virginia)
D- Adrian Wilson (NC State)

Bench: Michael Vick (Virginia Tech), Matt Hasselbeck (Boston College), Warrick Dunn (Florida State), LaMont Jordan (Maryland), Heath Miller (Virginia)