Open Thread, Week 4

Week 4 Preview

Week four has some interesting matchups. Two of the three 3-0 teams go at it while the two highest-scoring teams in VUFSA history will square off, as well. The two worst smack-talk users in the league will battle for dominance. Champ and Viano will try to right their seasons, while Slick and JR play in a matchup that no one really cares about.

GAME OF THE WEEK
The Hulkamaniacs (3-0) at Tony Fucking Romo (3-0)

This is a big matchup early in the year. I'm not sure how Drew was predicted to finish, but I wasn't picked to finish high at all. And now we're both 3-0, but, just like Highlander, the greatest tv show ever, taught us, "There can be only one." Excluding Stem. Huge mismatch at the quarterback spot here, with Jesus's love-child going up against middle-aged JR. St. Louis has been bad, so Romo will score 40, while San Francisco's defense is alright, and Matt Hasselbeck is bald. Randy Moss looks like the most dominant receiver in the league and goes up against an awful Cincinnati defense. I would be surprised if he scored in single digits. Joey Galloway is mercurial and Mike Furrey has disappeared after last season, but will take over for Marques Colston since the Saints suck and also don't play. While Drew doesn't have Moss, his receivers, as a whole, are better. Laveranues Coles, Plaxico Burress, and Braylon Edwards are all touchdown threats. All three have had multiple touchdowns games early in the season and Edwards and Burress, I know, scored last week, too. Both teams feature some patchwork running back groups this week. Romo has Reggie Bush on a bye week and Deuce McAllister just shit the bed after a big trade. Laurence Maroney is an every week start for Romo, but Leon Washington is just getting the start because of the bye. Hopefully, Thomas Jones will break his clavicle. Chester Taylor is supposed to play this week, but he hasn't played since early in week one and then people noticed that Adrian Peterson had a much larger penis. Taylor has been confined to the bench ever since. Tony Hunt and Reuben Droughns might get looks as we get close to Sunday. Maurice Jones-Drew is too busy dicking his own ass to play football this year, so Drew is hoping that he'll get his fill during the bye week. Meanwhile, the running back corps is headlined by 2007 #1 pick Marshawn Lynch and big waiver wire acquisition Brian Leonard. Drew is really hoping that Leonard can do something that Steven Jackson could not: not suck. DeAngelo Williams has had potential for two years now, but apparently no actual talent. Antonio Gates had a down day last week because he only had 11 catches and 100+ yards, but no touchdowns. DeShaun Foster had a big day last week, but is going against a tough Tampa Bay defense, and Wes Welker could steal touchdowns from Randy Moss. I really wanted to make a racist joke here about a white guy stealing from a black one, but I really didn't think of one that I feel comfortable posting on the internet.

Prediction:
While I think I have the potential to win, depending on what Leon Washington and Chester Taylor do, there are more constants on Drew's roster and mine just has the chance to do well. I'm going with Drew. Fuck you, asshole.


ON DECK
Taste the Happy (0-3) at Madd Skillz (1-2)

These two teams will probably combine for 350 points and a whole lot of bitching. Ed will think his team sucks and everyone hates him, while he will actually beat Eli about 198-197.5 and Eli will then go to a hooker on the street, inquire about her "ass buffet," pay her 50 cents, lick her asshole, and die soon after from a myriad of diseases. I'm betting all of this actually happens. In the real matchup, Jon Kitna, unlike last week, will outperform Donovan McNabb. McNabb got lucky because all of the Lions had been drugged, since there is no other excuse for their performance. Plus, the Bears defense is injury-ridden, so Kitna will throw for 500 yards and five touchdowns. Rex Grossman will throw his back out will bending over for some dude. The top two receivers for both teams are dominant, with Steve Smith and Chad Johnson holding a slim lead over Torry Holt and T.J. Houshmanzadeh only because Bulger broke his neck trying to suck his own d, or something like that. Ronald Curry and James Jones are a crapshoot. Steven Jackson and Ronnie Brown went to Ed last week, while The Gun got Larry and Rudi Johnson. Jackson and Rudi are both hurt though. While Brown is still fat, I guess he is good now that I traded him. LaDanian Tomlinson and LJ go head to head this week, and Tomlinson should outperform his counterpart, who is a huge Ki-Jana Carter/Curtis Enis fan. Travis Henry and Kenny Watson should be better than average. I wish Ed was starting LenDale White with Brown and Ron Dayne, because that would be the fattest starting running back trio of all-time. Fuck tight ends. Donte' Stallworth hasn't done anything this year, and if he doesn't do anything against Cincinnati, you have to consider dropping him. Julius Jones got his ass concussed, and then the Gun wouldn't trade him to me, so he'll probably hit double digits. Fuck you, Gun. I thought we were trading partners.

Prediction:
I think Ed falls to 1-3, believe it or not. The Kitna advantage, plus Henry and Watson will push him over the top, and in the end, it may be Ed asking hookers how much for the ass buffet.


THE 3 SPOT
What's New Pussycat? (1-2) at Thom is a Man-Whore (3-0)

Did you know that there are no 2-1 teams in the league? That's pretty strange. I would imagine that their should be some teams in the league with that record. But, no. Someone will definitely have two wins after this week. Maybe. I don't want to look it up. Anyway, neither one of these guys can effectively use the smack talk application, and it has hurt their careers. The smack talk application was invented for dirty language, wang jokes and talking about sleeping with your opponent's wife/mother/etc. Anyway, Tom Brady is going to dominate the shit out of Carson Palmer, both in the football and looks department. If I was gay, I would be all over Brady. And every one of you knows that, deep down, you feel the same way. And it's not even the looks things, it's just that I feel so safe in his arms. What? Larry Fitzgerald continues to struggle, Chris Chambers is still in Miami and Calvin "Megatron" Johnson has a bruised ass from falling after making a sweet catch last week. Donald Driver is sweet in the open field, Reggie Brown is not, and Shaun McDonald is excelling in the Lions' four receiver sets. Baron is currently starting Ahman Green, despite the fact that he might not play. Brian Westbrook had a great day against the Lions' defense, but might not play this week, either. Thomas Jones looks healthy against a shitty Buffalo team. Baron's running backs look alright, but could fall apart quickly. Shaun Alexander is not glamorous at all, now that I think about it. LaMont Jordan has been outperforming all expectations this year, and should continue against Miami. Adrian Peterson may have to split carries with Chester Taylor, but either way, it's against a tough Green Bay defense. Fuck tight ends. Jerricho Cotchery is better than Nate Burleson.

Prediction:
Tom Brady and the healthy running backs will carry the day, but the smack talk after the game will be something like, "I respect your effort, and wish you all the best in your future endeavors. I love you." And the other one will be like, "I appreciate your honesty, and return the wishes in kind. Regards, boners."


BATTING CLEANUP
ChamPeons (1-2) at Who Wants to Sex Mbaye? (1-2)

While I'm a big fan of cheering for hurricanes, it didn't work for Viano, and I won, bitches. On the other hand, I'm also a big fan of white receivers. I've made sure that everyone knows how I feel about this situation. Fuck Kevin Curtis, though. I wanted the Lions to be 3-0. Anyway, Peyton Manning is always good, but he's playing against one of the best pass defenses in Denver. I never know what's going on with Chad Pennington. While Curtis had a big day against the Lions, I don't think we'll see a repeat performance. But Roy Williams and Terrell Owens are two of the top five receivers in the league. Plus, Romo, and to a lesser extent, Kitna, are dominant. Frank Gore and Joseph Addai are both good running backs, but FUCKING Samkon Gado. He had his time to shine last season when he was on my team. Not any more, though. Viano's running backs are better from top to bottom, especially figuring that the Bears will try to run Benson a lot to keep the ball out of Griese's/The Sex Cannon's hands. Fuck tight ends. Jerious Norerection.... you know what, I was going to say that he should break out this week, but I'm pretty sure that I've said that in every preview ever, so I'm not going to say it this week. Instead, I'm going to say that the Kyle Boller to Derrick Mason connection is going to be dominant.

Prediction:
Viano in a close one. Champ, did you get that email I sent you with my address? I hope you did, because I forgot to send it for a long time. Also, how's life in Indiana? And Viano, how's the married life? I saw your boy Neal Clark in the Red Wings preseason game.

THE FIVE HOLE
Slick (1-2) at Which Bear is Best (1-2)

Not a pretty matchup. Especially if Slick continues to start Chris Cooley during his bye week. I don't understand how Slick has been scoring so many points lately. He reminds me of me at the end of last season: scoring a whole lot of points but not getting the wins to show for it. Meanwhile, I think JR might want to think about rebuilding. And if you do, JR, I'll make you a good offer for Edgerrin james. What do you think? Marc Bulger has two broken ribs, so Cutler might be a better pick in this one. If Lee Evans was alive, I'd have to take JR's receivers... but I wil anyway, since Slick is starting fucking Amani Toomer. Hasn't he been around for 25 years or so? As strange as this is, Slick has the edge at running back, despite not having EDGE. HEYO!!! This flex matchup blows. I'm tired.

Prediction:
SLICK.

This is sub-par, and I may need a bye week to replenish my wang joke stock.

W3R: Everybody hurts

Injuries became the story of week 3, overshadowing the blockbuster trades in the preceding week -- the ones that could not keep the league's most beleaguered owner from remaining the only winless team. Three squads remain unbeaten, with Monday Thunder either enough for victory or not enough for an upset. It was back on track for Madd Skillz. Dave Tomke went with neither his head, his heart nor his groin in a quarterback decision. Andrew Stem kept his surprise season unblemished and the new guy showed last week was no fluke. Where can I buy an Eagles retro jersey?
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Tony Fucking Romo - 117.00
WhoWantsToSexMbaye? - 103.75

Game Summary: The Monday Thunder came through, with Reggie Bush's 17.50 points leading the Saints-speckled charge to victory and a 3-0 record for the Lovers of Romo. Very bizarre benching of team's sexually objectified namesake almost cost owner Tomke dearly, though he has already pledged his (erotic) love and never-ending support to Romo going forward. The big problem facing Tomke is the loss of recently-acquired Deuce McAllister, though his departure does make Bush a bigger boon of points. Boooon.

Tony Fucking Romo: Bush (17.5) provided a harbinger of things to come with McAllister (0.5) gone, as he now moves from a top 10-15 running back to a top 5-8. DeShaun Foster goes off (24.5), perhaps suggesting that the DeAngelo Williams era is not as imminent as previously believed. Tomke also traded for Laurence Maroney, who provided an average 10 points in his first action with the new team. Randy Moss (19.5) continues to play like it's 1999, though Joey Galloway (4) came back to his underachieving self. Regardless of defense, Romo (20.5) is a foolish sit in favor of Jeff Garcia (6.5), but Tomke survives despite going with his inner homosexual this week.

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?: The hurricane didn't come, and while Tomke is the surprising winner in a running-back-by-committee situation with Foster, Viano has to be getting antsy with Jerious Norwood (5.5), who was supposed to be a standout running back by now. Javon Walker (1) and Darrell Jackson (5) really killed an otherwise even performance, with double digits belonging to six players. Dallas Clark (10) has started out the season white and right, and that's always double the pleasure with Peyton Manning (16) throwing the ball. Joe Addai is crimping Peyton's big point totals, however. He should live up to his commercial promise and pass.

Irony: We all laughed at Tomke when he oozed over Tony Romo, a useless backup quarterback, and threatened to start him when he had much better options. In the end, Romo has become the better option in virtually all cases. The Garcia start becomes a meaningless case study in why playing the matchups is a tread-lightly principle, but it's amazing that one of Tomke's obsessions has rapidly improved his career to this point.
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Thom is A Man-Whore - 118.25
Which Bear Is Best - 70.50

Game Summary: Stem officially becomes a league title threat with a 3-0 start to his VUFSA season, blessed by facing the week's low scorer and winning convincingly with a mediocre week. Tom Brady has been carrying Stem's team with a fantasy season that will be legendary at the current pace, and the resurgence of LaMont Jordan has given Stem a running attack previously considered absent. Marc Bulger lays one of the biggest eggs in recent league history (at least, until Drew Brees takes the field), but even a Herculean effort by WBIB's quarterback would have not been enough against a surging Stem.

Thom is a Man-Whore: Whose figurative cock gets sucked more, Brett Favre's or Brady (32.75)? Brady has gone from a "winner" to being one of the league's premier fantasy weapons, and he's turned Randy Moss into a stallion again, not to mention every other player in the Patriots offense. Adrian Peterson (16.5) is the only thing clicking for Minnesota right now -- Stem hopes he doesn't catch up with the rest of the offense and start to suck substantial wang. I am aiming to keep the genitalia references in the recap on par with the preview. Only 27 to go. An injury to Calvin Johnson (3) could be concerning given Stem's weak wideout assortment, and Larry Fitzgerald (4) is one of the quieter MIA's in the early season.

Which Bear Is Best: Bulger (-2.75) has been a pretty large disappointment as a keeper quarterback, but again, his failure doesn't really matter this week. A second straight off-week for the Colts' primary weapons Marvin Harrison (5) and Reggie Wayne (6) spells immediate doom, especially with newly acquired Lee Evans (0.5) doing what made him available in the first place. Edgerrin James (5.5) falls back into his AARP rocking chair, and Radcliffe's problems REALLY take shape when Derrick Ward (13.5) is no longer a starting option in New York. Clinton Portis (16) has been a refreshing alpha back, though he sat his ass on the sidelines in crunch time for the Skins.

Points per retardation: It's the first time this year that a player has registered in the negatives, and Bulger's failure is hard to compare in VUFSA history due to the deletion of that data from the fantasy profile (maybe Ed will know). I would wager, however, this is the first week two starting quarterbacks have finished in the negatives. Four players have also logged zeros from the skill positions this year -- including Mark Clayton for Radcliffe in Week 1. Other spectacular zero failures have belonged to Slick (Devery Henderson in Week 1 and Deion Branch in Week 2) and Eli (Steven Jackson in Week 1). A bigger question: when does Stem stop behaving like an alter boy and get all "aw shucks" over his success and start talking trash like a man? Tell your opponent to suck a donkey dick, Stem. You're Andrew Fucking Stem.
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The Hulkamaniacs - 116.00
What's New Pussycat? - 114.50

Game Summary: Pussycat owner Baron Brendel promised a 100% chance of thunder, but his meteorology skills need some work. So does his football team, now at 1-2. Brian Westbrook absolutely goes off for Brendel, but Carson Palmer was not his dominant self, and despite a nice night from LenDale White, Baron's Monday offering was just short in an exciting finish.

The Hulkamaniacs: Drew's running backs are awful, and yet he is 3-0. Maurice Jones-Drew (1) is looking like a bust, and DeAngelo Williams (4) was getting massively outplayed by DeShaun Foster, who should have been dethroned already. Marshawn Lynch (14) had a nice week -- in fact, the second highest week for any Hulk player behind Hasselbeck (22), who surprisingly turns out to be a weak play in light of Eli Manning's 50-plus-point performance from Wolf's bench. Receivers Plaxico Burress (13) and Braylon Edwards (12.5) overcame injuries and questions about consistency, respectively, to have solid weeks.

What's New Pussycat?: Even with the big week from Westbrook (36.5) and decent offerings from Thomas Jones and White (12 apiece), this week showed just how average the team can be if Carson Palmer (12.75) is below average in a given week. Ahman Green (1) could be injured, and a bye week for both Titans running backs would leave Brendel very short-handed next week if Green is a no-go. Donald Driver (15) could be this year's Darrell Jackson -- aging veteran who will give you 13-18 points every week, and a primary target if he stays healthy.

Dumping Deuce: Brendel made a big move prior to week three, trading for White and Chris Brown while surrendering Deuce McAllister. The Saints back, off to a slow start this year, may now be out for the season with a torn ACL, making Brendel's move very fortuitous. In fact, several recent trade targets -- Hines Ward, Rudi Johnson, Seven Jackson, Andre Johnson, Chester Taylor -- have had recent injury questions, particularly after this week's games.
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Madd Skillz - 134.50
Slick - 126.75

Game Summary: The mighty VUFSA patriarch reclaims his throne with a nice point total, but the bigger story is that he needed most of it to ward off plucky Andrew Hansen, who has rebounded from a bad first week to post back-to-back exemplary outings. Nothing has come easily for Schillinger this year, and that trend continued the day after newly-acquired Steven Jackson had his first decent game of the year, now that a strained groin will force Skillz to improvise in the running back department for at least next week and maybe beyond. Fat Ronnie Brown impressed his new owner with a 38-point week, giving him the unlikely award for highest point total for any started individual this week.

Madd Skillz: Consistency helped Schillinger overcome a down week from Steve Smith (0.5), with every other skill position player save for tight end Vernon Davis reaching double digits. Donovan McNabb (33.25) assuaged Schillinger's fears of a wasted early draft pick, going bonkers for a huge week. Though Brown may have turned a corner in one game, Vernon Davis (4) is looking like a fantasy nobody in the early going of his career, and two weeks as an injury absence won't help. LDT (14.5) was very average again, but the "don't panic" principle will always apply with the game's top talent. A waiver wire pickup/start for Muhsin Muhammad (2) is a unique maneuver coming from Schillinger.

Slick: Slick's modest keeper pool showed up this week, with Anquan Boldin (28) having just about as good a week a a receiver can have, hauling in an insane 14 catches for 181 yard and two scores. Marion Barber (22.5) did all his damage in the second half, and a slightly injured/ineffective Julius Jones is making Barber look better and better as a top option. Plenty of reality check here, however, with guys like Amani Toomer (3), Bernard Berrian (6) and Jay Cutler (11) looking very average. Amani Toomer.

The Trade: Schillinger's embarrassingly talented running back stable took a huge hit with the loss of Jackson to injury, especially after he dealt underachieving Larry Johnson and Rudi Johnson to obtain the crown jewel of many drafts. Tomlinson is still the best in the league, and Ronnie Brown sure looked good -- but is he reliable? It's anyone's guess at this point who will fill the third running back spot next week, though Ron Dayne could be a starter in Houston if Ahman Green can't go. The Trade also brought in Andre Johnson, however, and his healthy return would bolster his receiving corps to be among the league's most dominant. Johnson does not sound probable for Week 4, however.
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ChamPeons - 125.25
Taste The Happy - 93.50

Game Summary: And now Eli Gieryna is 0-3. Such things should be expected from the hard luck franchise, who has a career record of 20-25 despite the second-most points in VUFSA lore. Even when things go well (trading Steven Jackson before an injury, playing against a negative-scoring quarterback), he still finds a way to struggle. Champ gets a much-needed win because of a fairy tale day from Kevin Curtis (34.5), who went from white receiver to unstoppable force when the Eagles met the Lions.

ChamPeons: Champ's team had an extraordinary round of noon games, with Roy Williams (20.5), Curtis and Joseph Addai (20.5) all getting him off on the right foot. The insurmountable lead was padded by 11 points from TO and defender Keith Bulluck, though the effort of Drew Brees (-3.75) surely has to be the worst single-game performance of any starter, doesn't it? Frank Gore (4) has a quiet week, as does new acquisition Warrick Dunn (4).

Taste The Happy: It was practically a new team for Gieryna this week, and quarterback Vince Young (17.5) did his new owner proud with a solid Monday night. It's time to start thinking of TJ Houshmandzadeh (16.5) as a truly elite wide receiver, and TTH struck lightning in a bottle with a good week from flex pickup Bobby Engram, (11.5). Now, the bad news. New running back tandem Larry Johnson (4.5) and Rudi Johnson (1.5) continued their disappointing start to the year, and Hines Ward (0.5) left with injury while Torry Holt (5.5) plays for the hapless Rams. Travis Henry (9) had a touchdown and virtually nothing else for the Broncos.

Carousel: In case you were not paying attention, here is how Eli's roster shaped itself during the week. In: Vince Young, Ronnie Brown, Kellen Winslow, Larry Johnson, Rudi Johnson, Mike Furrey, Hines Ward, Kenny Watson. Out: Laurence Maroney, Kenny Watson (yep, both ways), Steven Jackson, Ronnie Brown (also both ways), Andre Johnson, Philip Rivers, Chester Taylor, Mike Furrey (both ways). There have been seven trades in the VUFSA this year, and Gieryna has been involved in five of them.
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Next week: Tony Fucking Romo and The Hulkamaniacs lock horns -- which team will improve to 4-0? Taste The Happy and Madd Skillz get a good look at their previous rosters when the two teams face off and Gieryna looks for his first win against a tough foe. Which Bear is Best and Slick square off in what could determine who gets the first overall choice in the 2008 draft.

All Time Records and Points

Edwin mentioned all-time points in a recent comment, and as such thought I'd look up and see where the franchises ranked in career points and wins. The totals are regular season only and up to the moment accurate.

Points:
1.) 5,881 - Edwin
2.) 5,154 - Eli
3.) 4,943.25 - Drew
4.) 4,867 - Viano
5.) 4,793.50 - JR
6.) 4,626.25 - Champ
7.) 4,613.50 - Stem
8.) 4,176,75 - Souzek/Slick
9.) 2,993.25 - Baron
10.) 2,760.25 - Tomke

Win-Loss Record:
1.) 33-12 Edwin
2.) 28-17 Drew
3.) 27-18 - JR
3.) 27-18 - Viano
5.) 22-23 - Stem
6.) 21-24 - Champ
7.) 20-25 - Eli
8.) 12-19 - Baron
9.) 11-34 - Souzek/Slick
10.) 10-21 - Tomke

Open Thread, Week 3

Since we're commenting here, I thought this was appropriate.

Week 3 Previews

First off, I'm writing this at work, so I'm not sure if I should use a lot of words such as cock and/or balls. But I feel that's a risk I have to take. Also, for whatever reason, I don't seem to be able to use bold and italics and stuff like that, so this week's preview will be less stylish. The ranking system for this week's matchup will be my five favorite CURRENT hockey players.

(1) VINCENT LECAVALIER
Champeons (0-2) at Taste the Happy (0-2)

This is the most interesting matchup of the week. Did anyone see these two teams starting off at 0-2? I didn't. And there's a good chance that whoever loses this matchup is going to have an incredibly hard time making the playoffs. If The Gun loses this game, I will bet $20 that he will kill himself by repeatedly headbutting the sidewalk or possibly eating an entire bathtub full of beans. Either way, that's a manly way to go. Eli's starting five new players this week in a desperate attempt to stave off an 0-3 start. Vince Young, who's been solid but not great this season, is always a threat to put up big points because of his running ability. He was never going to get to play on my team, though, because Tony Romo is just too fucking dominant. It's also interesting because Young goes against Drew Brees (who is showing everyone why San Diego let him go) on Monday night. So, this matchup could go right down to the wire. My guess is that Derrick Mason is not going to score any points for Champ. But that's okay because Terrell Owens and Roy Williams will outscore Torry Holt and T.J. Houshmanzadeh. Eli's recievers had a great week last week, but they can't do it two weeks in a row. All of the sudden, Eli's running backs look pretty dominant, on paper. Travis Henry is doing what every running back in Denver does, and now he's got two of Ed's Johnsons. Frank Gore and Joseph Addai are just as good for Champ, but Warrick Dunn hasn't been good, and I'm just going to keep repeating that Jerious Norpenis is going to get the ball at some point, if only for the fact that I can use his name to make wang jokes. Kellen Winslow has been good this year, while Tony Gonzalez is old, I think, and his quarterback is Damon Huard. Are you serious with this flex matchup? Bobby Engram against Antwaan Randel El? Fuck you guys.

Prediction:
The Gun's new running back corps will lead him to victory, with help from Young and Winslow, who should outperform their counterparts.


(2) HENRIK ZETTERBERG
Thom is a Man-Whore (2-0) at Which Bear is Best (1-1)

Stem. Fucking Andrew Stem. He's 2-0. And if he wasn't, I'd be in first place. Speaking of me, I was looking at bye weeks and I got really lucky. I plan Baron when Palmer and Westbrook are off, Ed when Tomlinson and Smith are off, and Champ when Addai and Gore are off. Back to Stem, every question mark and risk he took seems to be paying off. Calvin Johnson is showing why the Lions drafted him, despite being a WR, by scoring touchdowns in his first two games. LaMont Jordan is showing that he does not, in fact, suck donkey balls. Which is good for Stem. Shaun Alexander has responded from an injury this season and Adrian Peterson has benefitted from an injury to Chester Taylor. Which Bear is Best is in for another bad luck quarterback performance, since Tom Brady has been dominant and is playing against a bad Buffalo team. Hopefully Brady keeps throwing to Randy Moss. I would appreciate that. On paper, J.R.'s receivers look better in this matchup, but I'm not so sure. The Colts go against Houston, who look better than they ever have before. Plus, can both of them have good days at the same time? Is Lee Evans even alive? Maybe not. Stem's receivers are confusing as well. Johnson has been solid, but Fitzgerald hasn't produced and Chris Chambers is in Miami. There are some big name running backs going in this matchup, with Edgerrin James and Clinton Portis going against Alexander, Jordan and Peterson. Fuck Derrick Ward. Stem has a huge advantage though, since his running backs are running against Cincinnati, Cleveland and Kansas City. It's pretty much a push at tight end, which every matchup is every week unless it involves Antonio Gates. Brandon Marshall and Jerricho Cotchery are both good, I guess, but neither one gives a huge advantage to his team.

Prediction:
I'm going with Stem to advance to (3-0). I think the matchups his running backs have give him the edge, plus Brady against Buffalo. Fuck Lee Evans.


(3) ILYA KOVALCHUK
What's New Pussycat? (1-1) at The Hulkamaniacs (2-0)

The second undefeated team is in danger of losing its virgin record and then having to get surgery afterwards to stop the anal bleeding. Carson Palmer basically forced himself on the Cleveland defense last week, and yet he's the one that ended up knocked up and without child support at the end of the day. Palmer goes against Matt Hasselbeck, who is still balding, and I still don't think he's that good. Drew's only advantage in this matchup comes in the wide receiver department. Plaxico Burress, Laveranues Coles and Braylon Edwards have all had multi-touchdown games in the first two games of the year. Donald Driver, Santana Moss and Reggie Brown have all had multi-boyfriend games. I'm not really sure what that means. Whatever it means, Drew has a huge advantage here. Out of Drew's three running backs, two apparently suck and are also splitting carries. Jones-Drew is the victim of preseason hype while DeAngelo Williams has never done anything, as far as I know. Marshawn Lynch has lived up to expectations so far, but hasn't been great. Meanwhile, baron has Thomas Jones, who is supposed to finally be healthy, Brian Westbrook who is dominant in a PPR league, and Ahman Green, who is a good third back. Gates isn't in this matchup either. Baron starts new Pussycat LenDale White against Wes Welker in the flex spot, and White has seemingly taken over goalline duties for the Titans, which ups his value. I traded away three Titans this week and two of them went to Baron.

Prediction:
Drew will be the first of the undefeated teams to fall. Baron's advantages at QB and RB will be too much to overcome with receivers.


(4) PAVEL DATSYUK
Slick (1-1) at Madd Skillz (0-2)

Everyone just needs to take a second to appreciate the fact that Slick has one more win than Ed through two games. There is no way that this should continue past week three. If I had to pick one of the winless teams to advance to the playoffs, it'd be Ed. But his team has taken on a different look this week. McNabb will score -3 points against the best team in the NFL, which will hurt Ed, but Slick is starting Jay Cutler, so really, it won't matter. Steve Smith and Chad Johnson both had huge weeks last week and could probably outperform all three of Slick's receivers (Anquan Boldin, Deion Branch and Amani Toomer) by themselves. Ronald Curry goes against Cleveland, who doesn't actually start a defensive unit. Ed traded away Johnson and Johnson (Larry/Rudi) for the number two back, preseason, Steven Jackson, and now controls the top two backs in Jackson and Tomlinson. They will each score at least 15 points this week. Ronnie Brown is still fat and I'm glad I traded him. He got dealt twice this week, which doesn't happen that often, as far as I know. Marion Barber III is the best back in Slick's barn, and should get more carries since he's better than Julius Jones. Jamal Lewis had one of the best weeks of his life last week, and Carnell Williams got into the endzone twice despite not doing anything else. Williams and Lewis won't be able to repeat their performances, and Tomlinson and Jackson have to get going sometime soon. Still no Antonio Gates. Ron Dayne against Bernard Berrian is negligible, but probably wouldn't be if the Bears had anyone other than the Sex Cannon under center.

Prediction:
Edwin. He has too much talent to go to 0-3 and Slick's team used all it's luck last week.


(5) PETER ING (He's not current, but look him up)
Who Wants to Sex Mbaye? (1-1) at Tony Fucking Romo (2-0)

I'm undefeated, bitches. But I'm worried this week because Tony Romo isn't starting. How will my team perform without it's emotional and point-scoring leader? I'm not sure. With Romo out, the best quarterback in the matchup is Peyton Manning, who goes against Jeff Garcia (spot start against St. Louis). Obviously, Manning is a better choice in this situation. Romo's receivers, who were a question mark coming into the season, have become a strong spot in the last two weeks. Bullshit cheater caught a late game touchdown and is the only receiver that's any good in New Orleans. Randy Moss and Joey Galloway each had 100+ yards and two touches last week to equal The Gun's receivers. Meanwhile, Javon Walker is okay, but Darrell and Vincent Jackson are too busy handing out rimjobs to catch any passes. Romo upgraded at running back this week, but the advantage still goes to Viano in this matchup. Willie Parker, Willis McGahee and Cedric Benson all go against shitty teams and had good games last week. Parker will do well every week, but McGahee and Benson are hit and miss. Laurence Maroney was acquired for a lot of talent (although backup talent), and will be expected to produce like a one or two back. To do that, Sammy Morris may need to be hit by a bus. Fat LenDale White and his cohort Chris Brown were dealt for Anus McAllister, giving Romo the entire Saints backfield, which definitely has more potential than the Titans backfield. Bush and McAllister need to get going, and soon, though. Because they haven't done anything yet this season. Dallas Clark is a good target for Mbaye, but Antonio Gates is the sweetest tight end in the nation. DeShaun Foster is solid, but Jerious Norschlong has the potential to bust a big run at any time.

Prediction:
I'm going back and forth on this one, so I'm going to pick myself, just because I can.

W2R: The unlikeliest 0-2

History was made in week two of the VUFSA, with quite possibly the best single-player performance ever, and some other general tidbits, which can be found at the end of the recap. The league's spunky and smarmy former expansion owners had the top two scores of the week, with one celebrating by throwing around self-promoting obscenities and the other celebrating by quoting Tom Jones. The two surprise stories of the year unfolded in one matchup, when one of the league's new top dogs proved week one was no fluke and brought the league's perennial heaviest weight down to 0-2. Cue the NFL Primetime Music.
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Thom is A Man-Whore - 133.75
Madd Skillz - 128.50

Game Summary: Huh? Maybe I praised Andrew Stem last week, but I still didn't expect him to beat Ed, who has remarkably fallen to 0-2 with inarguably the best running backs on the face of the planet. The two regular season losses already surpasses the lone loss of 2006, and he has now lost four in a row when counting last year's playoff amazement. He has to be wondering how this is happening to him, and we are too. Stem, a preseason laughingstock, is getting the last laugh with superb quarterback play and awfully consistent contributions across the board. Ed's quarterback, Donovan McNabb, had a ho-hum 12 points on Monday night, and the thunder once again came up short for the second consecutive week.

Thom is a Man-Whore: Tom Brady (26.25) has his second straight excellent week, aided by the cameras that showed defensive formations, which were unnecessary when Brady distracted defenders by getting handsomeness all over their jerseys. Larry Fitzgerald has started slowly, but eight players were in double digits, though none went beyond 15 points except Brady. Good week for kickers, and Jeff Wilkins had 11.5 points, while LaMont Jordan (15) is making an early case for comeback player of the year. Calvin Johnson (11.5) has made the biggest impact of any rookie thus far.

Madd Skillz: Given that he figured to have the Champ Bailey treatment, the 3 points by newcomer Ronald Curry shouldn't be a surprise. But how about LaDainian Tomlinson (6.5) and Larry Johnson (7.5) barely showing up on the radar? Slow starts by both have definitely hurt Skillz' plans, though rebound for his two prized possessions is virtually guaranteed. Monster weeks by Steve Smith (29.5), Chad Johnson (27.5) and to a lesser extent, Rudi Johnson (17) are somehow negated by Stem's consistency-killing-the-cat. Tatum Bell (4) far less exciting in week 2.

Deep see?: Without question, it's not the time to yet be alarmed by the struggles of LDT (when was he last under double-digits?) and Larry Johnson. The real concern for Ed this year is depth. With Tatum Bell likely to be supplanted by Kevin Jones, at least if the Lions have their ideal situation come to fruition, it's easy to see some chinks in Ed's armor. He doesn't have much to fill that flex spot if Tatum becomes less useful, unless you count Ron Dayne. Surely every team has its own problems, especially with depth, but the surprising 0-2 start has possibly cast doubt on the Ed empire. He'll have to earn his wins this year, particularly in week five, when the Cincinnati Johnsons and Don McNabb take a seat together. Or week 7, when LDT and Steve Smith both have byes.
===============

Tony Fucking Romo - 138.25
Taste The Happy - 120.75

Game Summary: All hail the newest force in the VUFSA, Davisson Lovelace Tomke. He won convincingly in week one, but really managed a quality victory over Taste The Happy, sending an unhappy Eli Gieryna to 0-2. All six receivers in the matchup scored touchdowns, including two apiece for four different dudes. With the wideouts fairly equal, it was Tony Romo and Antonio Gates who carried the day.

Tony Fucking Romo: Romo (21.5) had his second straight great week, and so did Randy Moss (20.00), who is suddenly looking like the stud receiver of his early career. Joey Galloway was the real sleeper special of the day, catching two scores and 20 points. Tomke got some help from the fat of the land, with a surprise 12 points coming from Lendale White (deftly started ahead of Chris Brown's 3.5 points) and 12.5 from Antonio Gates.

Taste the Happy: It was love-him-and-leave-him by Andre Johnson, whose 21.5 points was highly sexy and good for his team's top individual scoring effort of the week, but he may now miss next week and beyond with a PCL injury. Bench receiver Patrick Crayton took an 0-fer for the week and his options at wideout remain thin, unless an emerging James Jones can be counted upon despite the return of Greg Jennings in Green Bay. TJ Houshmandzadeh has four touchdowns in two weeks, and Jon Kitna's "miracle" comeback turned an awful injury-plagued week into a respectable 14 points. Something tells me no miracle will keep him in the lineup next week, however.

Let's make a deal: The heat of (passion) battle inspired the two owners to make the first blockbuster trade of the year, with Eli sending Laurence Maroney to Tomke for a fat Ronnie Brown, Kellen Winslow and Vince Young. Lots of youth and a surplus of talent to Eli, who could very well end up with the deal's best player in Young. Maroney is more reliable than Brown for now, but you have to like the big return, even though Tomke could afford much of the giveaway with Gates (TE) and Romo (QB) playing suitably in positions of depth.
===============

The Hulkamaniacs - 123.25
WhoWantsToSexMbaye - 114.75

Game Summary: He might be the defending champion, but fast starts have never been owner Drew Wolf's thing, starting each of the previous two seasons 0-3. He made the playoffs both times, but this must seem like an embarrassment of riches by comparison, a 2-0 start despite a duct taped crew of performers. Braylon Edwards comes of nowhere in one of the NFL's craziest games in a while to make life shitty for Mbaye, who got nothing from his receivers, and went unsexed.

The Hulkamaniacs: Then again, Drew didn't get shit from his running backs and still won. Maurice Jones-Drew (3.50), DeAngelo Williams (3.50) and Marshawn Lynch (7.50) didn't exactly make up for the absence of an injured Brandon Jacobs, but less likely point sources came through. Among them was defender Shawne Merriman (11.25), whose monster day was the biggest outcome for any one defender thus far. Adam Vinatieri was good for 10 points, Todd Heap was at 12.50, Matt Hasselbeck crawled to 13.50, but the real story was Edwards, who pushed 150 yards and caught two touchdowns for 23 points in a wild all-Ohio shootout. He may have arrived, just then.

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?: Peyton Manning is nice to have around when 16 points qualifies as a bona fide down week, but Viano's receivers (Javon Walker with 9, Darrell Jackson with 4.5 and Vincent Jackson with 4) weren't getting any more love than Peyton's real wideouts. The points came from the bolstered running game, with Willie Parker's 19 leading a trio of double-digit efforts, and white tight end Dallas Clark was worth 12.50. Neal Rackers made an appearance and provided 12 points. Jerious Norwood (3.50) has not blossomed as hoped, at least not yet. Will Warrick Dunn sufficiently die in time? Cat Fancy almost ruined his career.

In the running?: Drew might be 2-0, but it's hard to win in the league when running backs are not clicking. Jones-Drew has been disappointing thus far, and nobody expects Lynch or Williams to vault into superiority overnight. Drew's big guns last week (Coles and Burress) were spelled by new guns this week, so he could be riding a wave of Radcliffian luck. Not saying, just saying.
===============

What's New Pussycat? - 132.25
Which Bear Is Best - 113.00

Game Summary: It has to rank as one of the highest "lowest score of the week" totals for WBIB, which was far from sparkling but still reasonably good enough to win against eight opponents last week, including himself. Such is life in the VUFSA, which obviously hit a major up-turn in scoring this week. There wasn't a whole lot to this matchup -- it was basically the Carson Palmer show. He threw six touchdowns, racked up an insane 47.25 points in a league where 30s is off the charts, managed to lose a football game and still single-handedly made Baron's team the second-highest scorer of the week.

What's New Pussycat: Did we mention Carson Palmer? Apparently, he's good. Once traded by WBIB to Baron (for fellow Baron-ite Brian Westbrook, in fact -- a deal that was famously chastised as notoriously one-sided in the wrong direction), the golden boy from USC is trying to make good on his quest to surpass Peyton Manning as the "it" quarterback. The rest of Baron's team was mostly uninspiring, not that it matters. Donald Driver (13.50) and Westbrook (16.0) had good weeks, and Ahman Green (13) gave a nice lift out of the flex. The rest of his team combined for a buxom 42.75 points, including nine from a kicker. The Saints awful offense is crushing Deuce McAllister (2)

Which Bear is Best: Fared slightly better than in week one, with Edgerrin James (20), Clinton Portis (13), waiver pickup Derrick Ward (12) and Marc Bulger (16) all having nice weeks. With Indy's passing attack not quite on all cylinders and often meddling with white people like Dallas Clark, the Colts sisters were down, and last-second switches Brandon Marshall and Fred Taylor did not outperform their backups, though non-moves would not have altered the overall outcome.

Big play Bear?: Perhaps the biggest problem with WBIB is a lack of a superstar who can do what Carson Palmer did. Edgerrin James won't be at 20 points all year, and even Radcliffe's top skill guys (Wayne and Harrison) limit the other's opportunity at a monster day. If one explodes, the other will likely be held to small totals and thus average out the overall picture. Unless Portis returns to form, he'll need consistency across the board every week to win, and that's a tall order.
===============
Slick - 128.25
ChamPeons - 120.25

Game Summary: So much for Slick playing the role of doormat this year. In just his second-ever VUFSA game, the new owner claims victory, thanks largely to the performances of running backs Jamal Lewis (27 points) and Marion Barber (21). Champ had six players reach 11 or better, but he was haunted by a second straight no-show week for Lee Evans and got edged in the end, dropping his sleeper special team to 0-2.

Slick: Hard for a team with this kind of talent to have a great week, especially when Devery Henderson brings in a zero. But the running backs were sensational, including Cadillac Williams, who went from game time decision to 18-point scorer, even if he needed an I.V. at halftime. Lewis was bolstered by a long run for touchdown, and a scoring shootout that not many people saw coming. Barber has turned into a money-man for Dallas, and extra boosts came from Matt Leinart (13.75) and Chris Cooley (8).

ChamPeons: Frank Gore (21) did his part. Lots of quality contributions without anyone else doing spectacularly well, and Evans (1) really screwed the pooch, again. Brandon Jackson (6) doesn't appear to be the answer in Green Bay, Kevin Curtis (3) is not getting much love in Philly's stagnant offense and Champ lost despite nice contributions from his three defenders (19.25 points). As was the case in all matchups this week, it's not like the loser tanked. I have to think it's the highest average score in VUFSA history.

Extra mile research: Not only is this the first time in VUFSA history that 10 owners have reached 100 points, it's the first time in history that nine have reached 100. In fact, only once, the third week of 2005, did eight owners reach the mark in the 10-owner era. In 2004, the first year of VUFSA play, all eight owners did clear 100 once, in week 10, when Radcliffe's 109.25 was the low score. Twice that year, seven of eight owners reached the mark, but seven owners or more have crossed the century mark in just five of the 29 weeks preceding this one.
===============

Next week: Can Tomke keep his dominance and ego afloat with a trip to visit Andy Viano's Mbaye Machine? Surely Madd Skillz will rebound against Slick, right? Then again, Ed would have won by a league-record 0.25 points if the two teams had played this week. ChamPeons and Taste The Happy meet in a surprising matchup of misery -- which team will fall to 0-3?

It's VUFSA, bitch

Week 2 Preview

Despite the fact that I got only two of my five predictions right last week, I'm still pretty confident that I'm awesome. Moving onto week two, I'm going to label the matchups from best to worst in this order: (1) My favorite Tiger, (2) My second favorite Tiger, (3) A Tiger that I like, (4) A Tiger that I don't like, (5) A Tiger that I hope dies.

Jeremy "Bondo!" Bonderman
Thom is a Man-Whore (1-0) at Madd Skillz (0-1)

Thom is a Man-Whore
Stem, what the hell. First off, you wrecked my picks from the first week, and second of all, you changed your name from the only name you've ever had, as far as I know. But maybe it's the dawning of a new age. A new age in which Adrian Peterson uses his horse cock to catch 60-yard touchdown passes. Who knows? But you and I both know that Peterson won't do it this week, Stem. And why? Because he's playing the motherfucking LIONS, baby. So, just take Peterson out of the mix in the this matchup. I'm thinking that Tom Brady is going to continue to throw a lot all season long, hopefully to Randy Moss. Did anyone else notice Moss's beard? If I had seen that before week one, I would have started him. Seriously. Calvin Johnson looks like the truth and Lamont Jordan and Shaun Alexander both answered questions in week one after blowing dong last season. All of the sudden, no one wants to play Stem's team. And despite all of this, Stem refuses to talk trash and/or trade me Adrian Peterson. Dick.

Madd Skillz
Updating what I wrote about Ed's team last week, Grand Valley State's women's soccer team is now #1 in the nation and Katy Tafler has scored eight goals in six games. Awesome. I actually have to work with the football team (also #1 in the nation) tonight as we take on the mighty Findlay Oilers (not mighty at all, and also don't have Warren Moon). Could Donovan McNabb be the next Daunte Culpepper? They're both black, for one. Also, they both hurt their knees and possibly suck afterward. Plus they both put up career years with unbelievable recievers (T.O./Moss) and then ride that reputation as far as they can. I'm thinking McNabb won't be as good as everyone thinks this year. Sorry, Edwin. Ronald Curry's stats last week were padded by the fact that the Lions were playing soft coverage late in the game that allowed him to rack up some yards and such. Don't expect a repeat performance again Champ Bailey and Dre' Bly. Why are you starting him, Ed? Larry Johnson will get 50 carries this week because now everyone knows that they suck balls if he doesn't. And the Lions' passing game will allow Tatum Bell to have a decent week.

Prediction:
I really wanted to take Stem because of the Brady/McNabb difference, but then I saw that it was Bell vs. a receiver in the flex spot. God dammit, Stem. I'm picking Ed in this one, but in a close one.

Curtis Granderson (Check his WARP3)
Taste the Happy (0-1) at Tony Fucking Romo (1-0)

Taste the Happy
Joey Ballgame is not quite the quarterback I made him out to be. Sorry, T. Gun. That will hurt Alge Crumpler for the rest of his life. Jon Kitna is going to put up some monster numbers this season. With Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson abusing cornerbacks, he'll have single coverage on dudes all season long, especially with the Furr-Burger in the slot. Torry Holt, Andre Johnson and T.J. Houshmanzadeh all scored last week and are a good bet to score again this week. After trading him Housh last week, I worked hard with the Gun to bring a second consecutive week with a trade between us, but it just didn't happen. We came close, though. Steven Jackson can't be that bad again, can he? He sure can, since Orlando Pace is done for the year. Laurence Maroney and Travis Henry will put up double-digits, but Julius Jones will not, because Tony Romo will spit in his face.

Tony Fucking Romo
"Tony Romo will score 67 points and have sex with three cheerleaders." I said that just one week ago, and, except for about 30 points, I was right. And get ready you sons of bitches, because it's going to happen every week. If I had started both Randy Moss and Chris Brown last week, I might have beaten Stem for highest point total. I'd add it up, but I'd rather just assume that I would have then actually figure it out. Chances are I'll start them this week and they'll miss Sunday's game because they're having buttsex with each other or something. I guess that's a chance that I'm willing to take. Colston and Bush play Tampa Bay this week, and they're a lot worse than Indianapolis. Also, if I'm Sean Payton, don't I try to get the ball in Bush's hands at some point during the game? Because that was not his game plan against the Colts. Although I really wish I had drafted Peterson, since him and Bush would have been a great future 1-2, I really can't complain since Antonio Gates basically gives me a 10-point advantage every week.

Prediction:
While I'll get better all-around numbers than I did last week, I won't have the huge advantage at quarterback, since Kitna will put up good numbers, just like Romo. I'm going to have to pick The Gun in this one, but this will be another close matchup.

Magglio Ordonez (If for no other reason than his hair)
The Hulkamaniacs (1-0) at Who Wants to Sex Mbaye? (1-0)

The Hulkamaniacs
Matt Hasselbeck will go back to just handing the ball of the Shaun Alexander, checking out his sweet hairline and "taking the ball and we're going to score!" He won't be good this year. Drew's receivers, on the other hand, are a different story. Lavaraneus Coles and Plaxico Burress both have weird first names, but they combined for five touchdowns last week. Braylon Edwards plays for Cleveland. What are the odds on Brady Quinn playing some minutes this week? Coles production won't be as good with Chad Pennington out (or will it) and neither will Plax's with Eli "I'm a little bitch" Manning injured and the running game in the hands of Derrick "I don't who this guy is so I can't make a joke" Ward. Wow, Drew lost Eli, Jacobs, and for all intents and purposes, Burress that game. Sucks to be you, Drew. Speaking of Drew, Maurice Jones-Drew finally realized that he sucks last week. My guess is that he will not live up to expectations this year, much like I said last week. Todd Heap: Still White.

Who Wants to Sex Mbaye?
Peyton Manning must spend a whole lot of time filming commercials. He also spends a lot of time throwing touchdowns. Viano celebrates both. I still don't really like Viano's receiving corps, other than Javon Walker who has a D next to his name (which could either mean "doubtful" or "douchebag"). Jerious Norboner is supposed to get more into the offense this week, which is a bonus for Viano since he average ten inches, I mean yards, per carry. That was a boner size joke, for those of you that missed it. Other than Cedric Benson, who always looks, to me, like he's going to cry, I really like Viano's running backs. Willie Parker and Willis McGahee will come to play this week. Dallas Clark is white, too, so that might negate the whiteness of Heap.

Prediction:
In the matchup of white tight ends, I'm taking Viano. I think Drew lost too much last week. He has the advantage at reciever, but Viano has a big advantage in the running back spot, and that's enough to win. Plus Peyton Manning.

Todd Jones (Fuck you, Todd Jones)
ChamPeons (0-1) at Slick (0-1)

ChamPeons
Roy Williams and T.O. benefit from being on the Lions and playing with Tony Romo, respectively. They both scored touchdowns last week, and my guess is that they will both score about 30 touchdowns right up until the two teams meet in the NFC championship. Drew Brees will be a lot better than he was last week, and Lee Evans... will not. J.P. Losman blows. Didn't Brandon Jackson only have about 13 yards last week. Did the Packers seriously win? What the dick. Brett Favre is not intimidating, so I don't think Jackson will improve all that much. Joseph Addai and Frank Gore are both really good at fantasy football and Champ is still starting a white receiver at the flex spot, which I respect.

Slick
Slick had the bad luck to run into Tony "Jesus" Romo in the first week. Not that it would have mattered, because I could have beaten him with Vince Young. That would have Romo (37, I think), Chris Brown (19?) and Randy Moss (19?) all on the bench and me still winning. Eat it, Slick. But don't worry, because I was there a couple years ago. My advice? Trade away your guys for draft picks. I'll give you a sixth rounder for Jamal Lewis. Hit it up. Also, Cadillac Williams isn't healthy right now, so you might want to look at benching him. How long can a guy suck before he loses the right to have a nick-name? Like, if Williams never really comes back, will people still call him Cadillac? Or will they start calling him "Shitdick" or something like that? I'm interested.

Prediction:
Slick's in for some trouble this season. How many games did I win my first season, two? I'm taking the under for Slick. Pucker up your asshole, son.

Neifi Perez (No joke needed)
What's New Pussycat? (0-1) at Which Bear is Best (1-0)

What's New Pussycat?
I'm thinking about boycotting writing about this team until it gets a new name. Seriously, I get angry every time that I write it. Baron, please let me know what was going through your mind when you wrote it the first time. I'm seriously curious. As a matter of fact, I'm doing it. All I'm writing is that I have no idea who Drew Carter is, except that for a second I thought he was Nick and Aaron Carter's brother.

Which Bear is Best
Warrick Dunn didn't have a great day last week and his numbers will probably go down when Jerious Nordong starts carrying the rock more often. Derrick Ward is a gamble, but a nice pickup anyway. The Giants will probably run the ball a whole lot, especially if that huge white quarterback gets the start. Portis and James had better weeks than I thought they would last week, which helped J.R. topple Ed, which we all appreciate, no matter what our feelings toward Ed are.

Prediction:
FUCK. Baron.

W1R: Andrew Stem and the 9 Dwarfs

Surprises have always been part of the VUFSA landscape, and the first week of 2007 was no exception. The league's perennial juggernaut was taken down by the slimmest of margins, a superstar running back put up an 0-fer to cost a perennially unlucky owner and the highest player score of the week led to an endless night of Dave Tomke masturbation. But perhaps the greatest surprise was the highest team score of the week, belonging to an owner picked second-to-last (and not anywhere close to third-to-last, either) in the annual VUFSA poll. For now, we are all Man-Whores living in the world of Andrew Stem.
===============

Thom is A Man-Whore - 142.75
ChamPeons - 91.75

Game Summary: It was the league's sleeper success story against what appeared to be an awful collection of miscreants belonging Andrew Stem, but David stabbed Goliath in the heart and then proceeded to sleep with his wife. The Man-Whore battalion received superb performances from several places, while Champ's quarterback was not the only one to abandon the Peons.

Thom is a Man-Whore: Tom Brady (28.50) and Shaun Alexander (17.00) more than lived up to their tried-and-trueness. But did anyone see the huge performances coming from LaMont Jordan (21.50), a player Stem kept despite a horrible 2006, or Adrian Peterson (19.50), a rookie sensation who benefited from Chester Taylor's injury? Calvin Johnson catches a touchdown, making Stem's rookie army look very good. Larry Fitzgerald (3.00) had a forgettable week and will only improve.

ChamPeons: Failure starts at the top, where Drew Brees (1.50) seemed bottled up Thursday night, with no completions for any length of yardage. Lee Evans (1.00) completely vanished off the map, and that meant big outings from TO (17.50) and Joe Addai (19.50) were not enough.

Question to ponder: Is LaMont or Adrian for real? Chester should be back at some point, and Adrian's numbers were padded by a very long touchdown run, but if these running backs turn into bona fide stars for the rest of the year, then Andrew Stem is suddenly very dangerous. So much for the preseason poll.
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Which Bear Is Best - 111.00
Madd Skillz - 110.50

Game Summary: As Edgerrin James gnashed his way to the necessary yardage, and the 49ers failed to hit Vernon Davis for anything significant in the closing moments, Radcliffe picked up a remarkably close win for the latest in a long line of lucky breaks. A team that incurred just one loss last year, Skillz has now remarkably lost three straight times, including both playoff contests last year (one of which came against Radcliffe).

Which Bear Is Best: Success is even more remarkable considering the awful performances of Fred Taylor (1 point) and Mark Clayton (zilch), not that either player should be expected to do jack squat anyway. No huge point totals, either, but lots of consistency across the board with Marc Bulger (15.50), Marvin Harrison (12), Reggie Wayne (17.5), Edge (17) and a resurgent Clinton Portis (15.50). Caught a huge break with Larry Johnson and LDT having a "down" week at the same time, but luck has never been this owner's problem. It's his second half-point victory in league history, once beating Eli in the final week of the 2004 campaign to clinch a playoff spot and leave Eli at home. He's 3-0 in matches decided by two points or less.

Madd Skillz: Was done no favors by Herm Edwards' decision to limit LJ (TEN carries?) and Kansas City's inept offense in general. LDT (19.50) proves what a fantasy asset he is, rushing for just 25 yards and still compiling the highest point total of any player within the matchup. It takes a lot of bad days at once to beat Ed, and guys like Donovan McNabb (9.75), Donte' Stallworth (0.50), Rudi Johnson (6.5) and Vernon Davis (1.00) all obliged, particularly the latter on a Monday night that ultimately proved to be the difference in the matchup. Tatum Bell's garbage touchdown made for an excellent week (16), and Ed's namesake Reed came up with a nice return touchdown as a backup PR. Still, a gut-wrenching start to the season for Ed, who is still very likely to make the playoffs and beyond.

History lesson: What is it about the first week of VUFSA action that brings out the close calls? Last year in week one, Champ defeated Viano by 0.75 points, making Eddie Kennison (1 point) a folk hero.
===============

The Hulkamaniacs - 109.50
Taste the Happy - 100.75

Game Summary: Taste The Happy often laments his lack of luck, and in such a close game, it does seem unlucky to have Steven Jackson (consensus No. 2 overall pick in most redraft leagues) post an unreal zero points, the result of his fumblerifficness. Then again, if Gieryna had started the higher-rated quarterback Jon Kitna over David Garrard, he too would have had a close call victory, by 0.25 points. Instead, the league's defending champion overcame his own running back nightmare to prevail in a close contest.

The Hulkamaniacs: Thank you, Plaxico Burress, as your 29 points helped to offset the injury loss of Brandon Jacobs (2 points) and general uselessness of Braylon Edwards (2), Maurice Jones-Drew (3) and DeAngelo Williams (3.5). The Jacobs injury leaves owner Drew Wolf very short-staffed, and he'll be forced to use a WR at flex from now on, unless he wants to put Michael Turner in the mix. Great rookie debut for Marshawn Lynch (16), and though the Jets sucked balls, Loveyouranus Coles managed a smooth 17.50. Of the top 10 kickers in week 1, only two were on VUFSA teams, including Drew's Adam Viantieri (11) and Champ's Jason Elam (9).

Taste The Happy: Despite Steven Jackson's fart, Gieryna was pretty solid in the receiving corps, with Torry Holt, Andre Johnson and TJ Whosyourmama all finishing in the 12.50-14 spread. Garrard was an interesting choice, but to say he was a bust (16.25) would be inaccurate. Newly-acquired Travis Henry (16.50) was worthwhile even though he didn't find the end zone, but double digits were absent from the other three running backs. Hell, if Steven Jackson hadn't logged a tackle, he would have actually been in negative points.

Playoff chances: A first week loss shouldn't be too disappointing. A full half of the playoff qualifiers the last two years have lost at least two of their first three weeks -- and Drew Wolf was a full 0-3 both years before qualifying both times. In 2004, three of the four playoff qualifiers lost in week one, and Radcliffe (who squeaked into the playoffs as the fourth seed) was the only exception.
===============

WhoWantsToSexMbaye? - 84.50
What's New Pussycat? - 75.75

Game Summary: It's fitting that these teams feature a couple question marks, because it was a matchup that appeared to have plenty of them, with Andy Viano being the league's least deserving week one victor. Outside of quarterbacks, only two players on either side of the matchup reached double digits -- and both belonged to the loser, Baron. Andy was just more consistent in mediocrity.

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?: Peyton Manning (27.50) gave Viano a very nice start to the week, but nothing else fell into place, unless you count the 9.5 from Javon Walker and Willis McGahee. Viano still has a good team, and can expect tons more out of Willie Parker (7.5), Cedric Benson (1.5), Jerious Norwood (5) and Darrell Jackson (3). It helps that Norwood will see more carries going forward, and it was nice for Viano to have a down week while still coming out on top.

What's New Pussycat?: In a way, this team is the anti-Drew, banking heavily on old and unsexy dudes who still might have value, while Drew's team banks on young sexy guys who haven't proven anything yet. This week, Baron was let down by his lot, with Santana Moss (2.5), Reggie Brown (0.5), Thomas Jones (4.5) , Donald Driver (6), and Deuce McAllister (4) all struggling. The 10 points from Ahman Green seems about par for the course, and the 13.50 from Brian Westbrook might be a tad disappointing, but still respectable. Carson Palmer will have much better games than this one, and he was still worth 20 points.

The Wrath of Romo: As Drew Wolf pointed out on smack talk, matchup votes went 5-15 this week, and four of those were choosing Tony Fucking Romo over Slick. The only outlier was Tomke's own selection of Viano over Baron.
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Tony Fucking Romo - 119.00
Slick - 74.75

Game Summary: It's hard to deny that Dave Tomke has molded himself into a respectable fantasy squad, and the cards were certainly stacked against him when he entered the fray as an expansion team two years back. It's a model Slick can try to follow, as he gets the short end of the stick, and it shows in this one-sided debacle. Tony Romo's insane week (37.75), easily the biggest showing by any one player, was just 1.75 points short of equaling Slick's entire QB/RB/WR crew.

Tony Fucking Romo: The great outing by Romo may have Tomke splooging, but it sort of obscures some subpar efforts elsewhere on the board. Marques Colston, Hines Ward and Joey Galloway combined for just 20 points, and that was much better than the running back crew of Reggie Bush, Ronnie Brown and Leon Washington (17 points). Great night for Antonio Gates (15.5) and a typically strong contribution from defender Jason Taylor (8.25).

Slick: It's no secret that Slick has it tough, so let's just find some positives. His defense (20.25 points) had a fucking outstanding week. Also, Marion Barber (13.50) showed that he will, in fact, have heavy involvement in the Dallas offense, and Anquan Boldin (10 points) will only get better as his quarterback does.

Tight quarters: Antonio Gates' 15.5 points was by far the most for any tight end in week one, and among started dudes at that position, the second most belonged to Stem's Ben Watson (7). Is this a sign that TEs are going to become as irrelevant and spotty as kickers?
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Next week: the league's newly anointed monarch faces one who won't be likely to give up his kingdom so easily when Thom is a Man-Whore meets Madd Skillz. Taste the Happy and Tony Fucking Romo square off in perhaps the matchup of the week, a meeting that always seems to bring a level of trash talking with it. Mostly, trash talking by Tomke.

Wheel, Deal, Steal

With one week in the epic VUFSA now in the books, the attention turns to the waiver wire and trade market, as teams now realize where their strengths and weaknesses might lie. Trade concepts are often proposed by CNNSI writers that can potentially help both teams, and so Eli and myself decided to come up with some good ones.

1. Tony Fucking Romo trades Ronnie Brown and Joey Galloway to Madd Skillz for Rudi Johnson. Tomke looks ready to compete this year, and Ed could solidify a shaky WR3 position by grabbing from Tomke's depth (yes, that's as sexual as its intended to be), while taking a slight downgrade in RB3. Ed has expressed lost lustiness for Rudi, and he could take on a higher upside backer instead. One who likes food.

2. The Hulkmaniacs trade Michael Turner and a draft pick to Slick for Jamal Lewis. Sure, Jamal Lewis is boring and not that good. But Drew has running back issues now that Brandon Jacobs is hurt and Lewis has the job all to himself. Turner doesn't have much value this year, but he has a lot of keeper value for Slick, as the Burner will probably be elsewhere next year with a starting job. Also, it's pretty clear Slick should be hording draft picks if he wants to compete in the coming years.

3. Thom Is a Man-Whore trades Kevin Jones and Jerricho Cotchery to What's New Pussycat for Deuce McAllister. There were plenty of surprises in week one, but Stem's league-leading point total has to be the biggest. If the Michigan wonder wants to contend for realz, he probably shouldn't wait for Kevin Jones to come back healthy and move him to a team that could make use of him down the road. This gives him a solid flex play, and Baron gets a good keeper candidate and can also shore up that ugly WR3 spot. These are the two most trade-shy owners in the league though, so this will never happen, and Baron always falls in love with his keepers.

4. ChamPeons trades Derrick Mason and Kevin Curtis to Which Bear is Best for Warrick Dunn and Isaac Bruce. A highly unsexy trade that would shore up a weak running back corps for Champ and a weak receiving crew for Radcliffe. The waiver wire grab of the week went to the Bear, with Derrick Ward now in the backfield, giving Radcliffe some depth in that department.

5. Madd Skillz trades Donovan McNabb and Jason Witten to Taste The Happy for Philip Rivers and TJ Houshmandzadeh. Skillz could dangle the boom-or-bust possibilities of an aging McNabb to a team in need of a quarterback, and in return shore up the weakest part of his empire while taking on a higher-upside quarterback who could theoretically pay the dividends his late-round flier on Larry Johnson did so long ago. The trade won't happen because the owners are like Tony Soprano and Johnny Sacrimoni -- friendly and all-powerful, but never wanting to be outsmarted by the other.

Open Thread, Week 1

Yes, we've all seen it before. But damnit, it's football season. I can't think of a better way to kick it off.

But that's only because I lack creativity.

Week One Matchups

Alright everyone, bear with me because I am no Eli/Ed/J.R. Also, I really don't know which matchup to rank first and second and so on, so I'm just going to go ahead and label them in the order that the Detroit Tigers bat.

Curtis Granderson:
The Hulkamaniacs at Taste the Happy (-13)

The Hulkamaniacs
Well brother, you need to update your damn shit talk at the top of your list, first of all. Because, god dammit, I paid my dues LAST WEEK. What the hell is that, Drew? Anyway, Drew is at a disadvantage to start with because I'm not sure that anyone in this league has ever won while starting a receiver in the flex spot. To me, Drew's entire team is a question mark that could be great, but could be not so great. Brandon Jacobs and Marshawn Lynch have never been feature backs and it'll be tough for Maurice Jones-Drew to live up to the hype that's been built this season. They all have tough matchups, too, except Jones-Drew. Dallas, New England, Pittsburgh, and Denver. Drew's receivers are big and athletic (at least Braylon and Plax are, I really have no idea about the other two), so they're good targets in the endzone. But Braylon and Plax both went to Michigan schools, which are notoriously bad at football. Stem will attest to that. Todd Heap is white, and I'm a big fan of white football players and Asian baseball players. I once tried to make an all-white team on Madden, but I couldn't because there were no white CBs in the entire league. What the fuck? Why don't white kids ever want to play corner back growing up? Matt Hasselbeck looks like a skinny J.R., and I suggest a trade should occur to unite the two. Shawne Merriman loves drugs and I thought Charles Woodson was dead.

Taste the Happy
Eli has the advantage at every position except kicker, and we all know that doesn't f-ing matter. Alge Crumpler will probably score 20+ points because Joey Ballgame could be the greatest quarterback in the league. Steven Jackson is money in the bank and Laurence Maroney looks kind of like him. Physically, not his style of play. Travis Henry plays in Denver, which is good because they run really well, but sucks because the first-stringer never lasts all season. Andre Johnson led the league in receptions last season and Housh is better than people think, even though I traded him. I just love trading. Julius Jones should hurry up and challenge Marion Barber III to a knife-fight for dominance in the Dallas backfield, although I think Barber would win because he has Roman numerals in his name. But Dallas running backs will not do anything this season, since Tony Fucking Romo will score every touchdown in the Big D. Lance Briggs could very well be retarded, and should be replaced with Brian Urlacher, who has been recorded as calling his son a "pussy." Hilarious.

Prediction
Eli in a landslide, unless Jacobs and Lynch perform to the highest of their potential, which I really don't know. But seriously, Eli will probably lose anyway, because it's Fantasy Football, baby! WHOO!


Placido Polanco:
What's New Pussycat (-8) at WhoWantstoSexMbaye?

What's New Pussycat?
First off, this is the stupidest, most ridiculous name for a team ever. What the fuck. Seriously, Baron. Has anyone in this league ever used the word "pussycat" EVER in real life? Because if I did, I would probably kill myself in some brutal way involving a circular saw and testicle removal. On to the actual team, Baron is good on paper, but let's look a little deeper. Carson Palmer once lost his knee after a play was already over. Donald Driver and Thomas Jones may be hurt as we speak. Deuce's name is another word for anus. Brian Westbrook and Ahman Green both love vaginas, in the sense that they are both vaginas. It really looks to me like everyone on this team is a threat to be on the IR. Donovan McNabb has to throw to someone, so I guess Reggie Brown and L.J. Smith might be targets. I don't know, looking at the numbers, I think this team might be slightly overrated.

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?
Viano, as always, comes through in the clutch in the name department. This is really a lop-sided matchup when it comes to names. Baron's is awful, Viano's is hilarious. You should be ashamed, Baron. Everyone had a raging boner for Jerious Norwood, which, I guess, is only right considering his last name has wood in it, which is another word for boner. But now he lost the starting job to Warrick Dunn who had a broken neck or something in the offseason. Willie Parker is sweet and I think Willis McGahee will do well in Buffalo. Everytime I see that Miami game on tv, I watch it just to see McGahee's knee get destroyed. You can't tell me that you don't do the same thing. Bold prediction of the year: Garrett Wolfe will dominate bitches in Chicago. Cedric Benson is a pussy and Adrian Peterson isn't sweet. Although he did win the Walter Payton award, and I'm pretty sure Tony Romo, the sweetest player in the fucking nation, won that, too. Darrell and Vincent Jackson are mediocre and Javon Walker is good, but Peyton Manning is good at throwing footballs to other men. My prediction: Viano loses unless he picks up a third defender. And I would cry, because I have a deep-seeded need to finish ahead of Baron and I'm not sure I will this year.

Prediction:
Viano will win if he can get any production from the Jacksons and starts three defenders.


Gary Sheffield When He's Not Hurt
Slick at Binge-Eating RBs (-11)

Slick
First off, I put this game third because it's two teams closer to the bottom, while the last two games have two top teams versus two bottom teams. Slick, you and Baron should go drink some Zimas together or something. Man up and think of some good names, you jerks. Have some pride in life. The one thing I'm worried about against Slick is that he has a shit-ton of Monday Night Thunder, which I always love to have. Matt Leinart, Anquan (what the fuck kind of name is that) Bolding, Matt Stove and Ray Lewis are all going for Slick on Monday, so I'll need about a 50-60 point lead to feel safe at all. The Cardinals suck, so they'll probably throw the ball a lot, which will benefit Slick. Also, I'm not going to lie, I did a lot of prep for the draft this year, and I somehow had no idea that Jamal Lewis played for the Browns. When did that happen? I like Chris Cooley because he used to have dual-eligibility. I looked it up this year, and only three guys have dual-eligibility. None of them are any good or will ever play, probably. I was hoping that Seneca Wallace might have QB/WR and that Michael Robinson would have RB/WR, but none of that is true, and I cried a little bit in my heart. Devery Henderson could steal points from Marques Colston, which could end up being big.

Binge-Eating RBs
I feel bad changing my name from the classic Who is Ron Mexico, but Ronnie Brown and LenDale White are both fat and I hate them for it. Somehow they both have starting jobs but are losing them to Jesse Chatman and Chris Brown. What the fuck. That's like me losing anything in life to Tom Ritter. You know that's not supposed to happen. I'm not sure I would have traded Housh if the fourth-rounder wasn't involved, but I'm pretty sure that I only have an outside shot at the playoffs this year, so I took it. Hines Ward isn't that much worse than Housh (since Ben "I'm retarded and hate living and being rich and having sex with hot ladies" Roethlisberger can't be as bad as he was last year) and Leon Washington will be a feature back if Thomas Jones is stricken with the Hunta Virus sometime during the season. Tony Romo, as I've already covered, is god's gift to football, and will probably break all kinds of records this year. Moss used to be good, and I'm sure hoping he remembers that that was better than sucking dick in an Applebee's bathroom for twenty bucks a pop this season. Reggie Bush is great in this league because of the PPR, but really, my team rests on Ronnie Brown, LenDale White and DeShaun Foster who are all in shaky situations to start the season.

Prediction:
Tony Romo will score 67 points and have sex with three cheerleaders while Bernard Berrian will have negative points after fumbling or something. Oh, and I'll win because I'm awesome.


Magglio Ordonez
Which Bear is Best at Madd Skillz (-37)

Which Bear is Best
I'm upset that I don't get this Office reference, but I'm sure that J.R. thinks he's better than me because of it. But he's wrong. Start some defenders, you son of a bitch. Fred Taylor will hit the IR with a bad case of genital warts and Clinton Portis's placitis will act up and a yeast infection will put him on the sidelines. Because they're both injury prone. Harrison and Wayne will do their typical stuff, but it won't be enough to keep J.R. in contention. Bulger won't throw the ball all that much because the Panthers suck a whole lot of cock. Dunn won't run because the Falcons want the ball in Joey Ballgame's masterful pianist's hands. Edgerrin James is too busy trying to invent a time machine so that he can go back to Indianapolis. Fuck Mark Clayton.

Madd Skillz
Hasn't everything that needs to be said already been said about Ed's team. Everyone hates him for it, but I respect the SHIT out of him for it. Plus, I'm just a big fan of Ed. Which is why I'm really struggling with the fact that it's looking like I can't go to his wedding because of work. Fucking #2 Grand Valley State University women's soccer. DAMN YOU, DEFENDING DIVISION II PLAYER OF THE YEAR KATY TAFLER!

Prediction:
Ed by a million. Unless... I really can't think of one thing that would prevent him from winning. Sorry, J.R.


'Los Guillen (All he does is get big hits at big times)
ChamPeons (-17) at Briggs' Car Thief

ChamPeons
Champ's recievers are dominant, and I would be willing to bet you that Roy Williams is one of the top receivers in the league this year. Gore and Brandon Jackson are both hurt right now (although neither is very serious) and how they recover means a whole lot to how Champ's season will go. Joseph Addai is glad that Edgerrin James went to the U and has no idea how to invent a time machine, because now he's going to score a whole lot of points. I didn't even know that Kevin Curtis was in Philly, but he's a white receiver, and that's rare, but beautiful. Like a ruby or something. I've already gone over the fact that Brian Urlacher called his son a pussy, and that's awesome. I'm pretty sure that Lee Evans can only catch a pass if it's 30 yards or longer.

Briggs' Car Thief
I like Stem's new name better than his old one, but come on, his old one wasn't that great. Stem will probably not get what he's hoping for from Calvin Johnson this season, and Adrian Peterson is splitting time with a dude that had about 400 carries last season. Both of these teams are starting four WRs, which never bodes well in life. What happened to Shaun Alexander. Maybe he'll be good again? Sometimes I wish that I was Tom Brady, because that would be AWESOME.

Prediction:
Champ, but in uninspiring fashion.


That's a whole lot of work, and I ended up doing more team previews than matchups, but deal with it. Fuckers.