Happy Halfway, Bitches

We are at the midway point, where my Penguins From Hell have flexed their dominance despite scoring a point value that should make me a bordlerine playoff team. What can I say? The rest of you suck.

It's time for our first half All-Stars!!!

First team:
QB: Peyton Manning (25.50 average), Ted Buckland Esq.
WR: Wes Welker (13.8), Doc Brown's DeLorean
WR: Miles Austin (12.7), Curtis Conway
WR: Reggie Wayne (12.58), Penguins From Hell
RB: Frank Gore (18.67), Jared Allen Forever
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew (17.92), Stanton For Heisman
TE: Vernon Davis (10.92), Curtis Conway
Flex: Adrian Peterson (17.43), Stafford Infection
K: Nate Kaeding (10.08), Curtis Conway
D: Jared Allen (58.5 total points), Jared Allen Forever
D: James Harrison (58), The Gompers
D: Patrick Willis (50.5), Jared Allen Forever

Second team:
QB: Drew Brees (23.17), ChamPeons
WR: Mike Sims-Walker (12.13), Curtis Conway
WR: Larry Fitzgerald (11.92), Stafford Infection
WR: DeSean Jackson (11.58), Stanton For Heisman
RB: Ronnie Brown (15.79), Curtis Conway
RB: Ray Rice (15.58), Doc Brown's DeLorean
TE: Owen Daniels (10.07), Ted Buckland, Esq.
Flex: Cedric Benson (15.07), Penguins From Hell
K: Lawrence Tynes (9.93), Stanton For Heisman
D: Elvis Dumervil (50.25), The Gompers
D: Darren Sharper (47.0), Doc Brown's DeLorean
D: Andre Carter (43), free agent

Week 6: Blowouts in verse

This week was not worth any work at all, which is why I only did haikus for each matchup.

The Gompers 128.50, Curtis Conway 107.75

Not enough thunder
'Cept from Elvis Dumervil
Welty (jailhouse) rocks!

Ted Buckland Esq. 188, ChamPeons 125.5

No Peyton? Oh well
Understudy just as good
Eli's best ever?

Penguins From Hell 127, Jared Allen Forever 62

Greedy Tom Brady
Goes off for 50, and then
impregnates cheer squad

Stanton for Heisman! 138, Doc Brown's DeLorean 111.75

The Trainwreck Tomke
Takes a respite from sucking
Dreadlocks and Swamp Thing

Stafford Infection 123.5, MonkeyAssassinations 89.7

It's unusual
For Tom Jones to play so well
Bad joke. Really dumb.

Week 5: Kissing your sister

Oh yeah, I forgot. Why am I doing this again?

Penguins From Hell 106, Stanton for Heisman! 106 MVP: Austin Collie. The waiver wire pickup was part of a huge Sunday night for JR.

LVP : Joey Porter. All he had to do was find the box score -- one tackle would have sufficed -- to tip the scales Monday night. I kinda feel bad for Tomke, believe it or not.

Ted Buckland Esq. 136, Monkey Assassinations 105.5

MVP: Peyton Manning. Nobody has been better in fantasy football. Special mention to Michael Turner and his three touchdowns.

LVP: Pierre Garcon. Manning goes off on Monday night, but the sexy waiver wire choice from a couple weeks ago got none of the action.

The Gompers 133.25, ChamPeons 86.75

MVP: Ahmad Bradshaw. How did Bradshaw get 25.5 points? Big win for Welty, who gives Champ his first loss of the year.

LVP: DeAngelo Williams. Surely Champ is waiting for that explosion that made Williams a mega-star last year.

Doc Brown's DeLorean 137.25, Stafford Infection 91

MVP: Kellen Winslow. Donovan McNabb had a nice return to form, as well, but it's rare to get more than 20 points out of the tight end position.

LVP: Calvin Johnson and Jerricho Cotchery. Pair of injured wide receivers combine for one point. Lame.

Curtis Conway 147, Jared Allen Forever 67.50

MVP: Roddy White. Four players cleared 20 points for Ed, so it wasn't really a game that required an MVP, but White had the most points.

LVP: Baron's entire team. Derrick Mason and Chris Cooley combining for zero points is a good place to start, but Baron had three players in double figures -- two were defenders.

VUFSA Basketball Talk

(image via tall hot guys blog....really)


Discuss the following in the comments, or it will be implemented without your consent:

-Move to a total points, head to head league

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Go.

White Trash Beautiful

I am not terribly interested this week despite scoring what can probably be considered an upset victory. We go to BY THE NUMBERS!

Jared Allen Forever 133.75, The Gompers 114.25

19.75 -- Points amassed by Baron's hero and mentor, Jared Allen, who also bagged a likewise number of bitches after smothering the Packers on Monday.

21.75 -- Points amassed by Patrick Wills, giving Baron an unquestionable league record for defensive output in one week.

4 -- Points by Baron's third defender, Stephen Cooper. What a dick.

3.75 -- Value by which Welty wins if defenders don't count.

130 or sub-90 -- The alternating-week pattern of Jared Allen Forever.

ChamPeons 89.50, Monkey Assassinations 87.75

23.50 -- Points for Steve Smith, the highest scoring receiver in the league. And it's not even that Steve Smith you're thinking of. Early candidate for VUFSA MVP?

2 -- Number of players reaching double figures for Champ, who nonetheless emerges as the league's lone undefeated team.

1 -- Number of times Braylon Edwards accosted LeBron James' posse this week. That value is more than the number of catches Edwards had this week.

5-2 -- Record of the Richmond Red Devils.

Penguins From Hell 115.25, Stafford Infection 110.75

29 -- Points achieved by Stem's Monday Night super duo Adrian Peterson and Aaron Rodgers. Not horrible, but just short of bypassing Mason Crosby (5) and JR's Sunday lead.

10 -- Number of points from Stem's superb foresight roster member, Glen Coffee.

0 -- Value of Darren McFadden, in general

2 -- Number of weeks Pierre Thomas has done nothing in the first half, only to carry JR's team with a second-half supernova.

3-1 -- Record of Radcliffe, one of the league surprises.

Doc Brown's DeLorean 120.50, Ted Buckland Esq. 98.75

8 -- Record for field goals in a game, something Ryan Longwell did not achieve on Monday Night for Eli.

15.25 -- Points by Darren Sharper, making him just the third-most valuable defender of the week.

25 -- Cumulative points this year for disappointing receiver Greg Jennings.

95.25 -- Points accumulated by Peyton Manning, easily the most of any individual player in the VUFSA.

Curtis Conway 125, Honey & Vinegar Realty 77

1 -- Number of players in double figures for Tomke, and Brandon Marshall's 12 stemmed mostly from one miracle play.

0-4 -- The record of the only winless owner in the league, Davisson Tomke.

19.50 -- Point value in a big-time bounce back week from waiver wire wonder Mike Sims-Walker, helping Ed's cause.

2 -- Surprisingly, number of running backs Tomke owns among the league's top 10 non-quarterback scorers in McGahee and Jones-Drew.