Week 8 Recap: If you have between 3 and 5 wins, raise your hand

Because I have Monday and Tuesday off this week and because JR is probably still pouting despite his victory and because I don't want Stem to feel like he killed the blog and because I have a feeling that Jon Clayton is lost somewhere in the Amazon and most importantly because this web site has gone far too long without a picture of Thom Brennaman, I have decided to snatch the assignment of week 8 recap from the jaws of apathy.

Week eight faced off the elite teams and muddied the mess of mediocrity. 3 teams are tied for the fourth playoff spot and 2 teams are just 1 game off the pace. In fact, Champ is a two game win streak away (not that impossible for the league's highest scoring team this week) and two Tomke losses (not that impossible with first place Stem on the schedule and Romo crying without Carrie) from possibly holding the three seed at the end of week 10. Oh, and did I mention Champ started 1-5? Yay for VUFSA confusion!

Thom Is a Man Whore: 103.50
The Hulkamaniacs: 99.25

With a 2.50 lead heading into Monday night, a defender couldn't overcome a running back for the second straight week, right? Well sure as shit, Nick Barnett recovered a fumble and DeShawn Wynn got a boo-boo on his shoulder after a single carry for a meaningless yard. And there you have the ballgame. Thom Is a Man Whore was nailed with the big boot but rolled away from the leg drop, avoiding disaster and retained the WWF Championship, er, undefeated record.

Thom Is a Man Whore:
Thom Is a Man Whore received another insane day from Tom Brady (41.25) who made up 40% of his team's total. Nevermind that only one other Whore scored over 8 points - Kevin Jones with a tidy 14 - Brady again carried the team. The rest of the team failed to live up to Brady's high ethical and moral standards. The RB-3 (LaMont Jordan), TE (Heath Miller), and flex (Ike Hillard) combined to equal the kicker (Jeff Reed) at an underwhelming 6.50. The wide receivers combined for fewer than 10 catches, and I'm really pissed that I pissed away a win that I should have had (that and I had to rewrite this recap after having written it for a Hulkamaniacs win yesterday).

The Hulkamaniacs:
Sloppy London weather made Eli Manning's 2007 VUFSA debut a forgettable one (8.0), but at the same time allowed the door of opportunity to swing open for Brandon Jacobs (14.0). The story, though, were the missed opportunities with Eli in single digits, Laveranues Coles (0.5), Eric Johnson (2.0) disappointing and Laurence Maroney (9.0) and Marshawn Lynch (8.5) merely average. Starting either Santonio Holmes (7.0) or Marques Colston (23.0) instead of Coles or Wynn would have meant victory, instead it means agonizing, painful defeat.

ChamPeons: 128.50
Madd Skillz: 74.75

ChamPeons began fighting back after a forgettable first half of the season. Madd Skillz gave back a win they should have had after winning a game they shouldn't the week before. Both teams plop right now into that messy fight for the fourth playoff spot. Only one team out of Champ's next 5 games has a better than .500 record, whereas Edwin will face three teams that ask questions in their names, no doubt taxing Madd Skillz intellectually.

ChamPeons:
Is it a bird? A plan? No, it's Drew Brees! Welcome home, Drew (37.75). Even with rotating running backs this season, the RB-1 and RB-2 spots have remained strong with Joe Addidas going for 29 and Brian Westbrook 20. Kevin Curtis and Mushin Muhammad had down weeks in the roller coaster season, but modest contributions from Roy Williams (7.0) and Jeff Wilkins (8.00) rounded out the league's high score for the week. Arnaz Battle, bitches!

Madd Skillz:
Everyone on the San Diego Chargers except LaDanian Tomlinson was fired up about the California fires. Philip Rivers played a great game - from Edwin's bench. Not that Donovan McNabb was bad (18.75), but I'm sure three quarterbacks isn't ideal for the roster. Someone step up and have consistently good outings would help the depth on this team. Speaking of depth, Ronald Curry (3.5), Donte Stallworth (4.0), and Michael Bennett (8.0) all make for lovely flex plays, not regular starters. It caught up to Madd Skillz this week who may have suffered a far more significant loss if Stephen Jackson's injury ends up to be serious or not worth coming back from in this pathetic St. Louis season.

Which Bear is Best: 122.00
Romo's Shrinking Dong: 96.75

Big win for JR who probably wants to beat Tomke more than any other single owner in the VUFSA. This grudge match dates back to their infancy when JR, jealous of Tomke's long locks of hair, hurled a lego at Tomke. The lego found its mark, leading Tomke into some mentally unstable periods (age 3-24) and leading JR to laugh at inappropriate things (boobs).

Which Bear is Best:
Taking a page from Stem's "You Only Need Two to Win" book, JR won on the strong performance of Reggie Wayne (17.50) and Mike Vrabel (30.50). Wait, Mike Vrabel? A flippin' defender? Sure enough, the single highest scoring performance from a defender in the history of the VUFSA.* Because the Patriots don't have enough offensive weapons, the resourceful Bill Belicheck turned toward his defenders, selecting Vrabel to score this time against the lowly Redskins. Wait. Hold on. This just in. Drew Bledsoe has just thrown a TD pass to Rob Giancola, both of whom inexplicably are on JR's roster, to increase the Patriots lead over the Redskins to 1,219 to 7. Brett Farve further sealed the deal with a 23 point Monday night and setting a record for heroic references in one night. In the end, a team that started Andre Davis, Fred Taylor, Reuben Droughns, and Shaun McDonald put up 120+.

Romo's 18 Inch Dong:
Well, Trent Edwards certainly was not answer (2.5) for Romo's bye. Chester Taylor (1.5) and Maurice Jones-Drew (5.0) were done in by running back by committee approaches. While Plaxico Burress (1.0) cares not for fish and chips. The entire rest of the team had respectably average days. However, with no break out performances (ok Gates was damn good, 17.5), the 9.5's of Randy Moss and the 11.5's of Reggie Bush were not enough to propel Tomke to victory. Fortunately, Romo is back next week. Unfortunately, the schedule puts Thom Is a Man Whore before the Dong. Ha. Dong and Whore.

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?: 90.25
Slick: 52.00

The most important part of this match-up occurred around 6pm when Becky looked over at my stat tracker asking what Viano's team name meant. After a lengthy explanation including Valpo, sex scandals, Dikembe Mutumbo, and Yahoo's limit on characters appearing in team names, she then asked what Slick stood for. Mentioning it was merely Hansen's nickname, Becky decided she liked the simplicity and therefore Slick's team name better.

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?:
Peyton Manning is an above average quarterback. Viano has stayed true to Peyton threw thick and thin, even turning down a trade for him involving Curtis Martin many years back. The loyalty paid off this week as Manning did a 20. Coupled with Waiver Wire Willie's 19, the fact that rest of the team played like ass mattered not. Just 8 catches between WR-1, 2, and 3. Cedric Benson is crippling the Bears and Mbaye. And lookie there, Correll Buckhalter got a start at RB-3 (3.0). Ick.

Slick:
I blame this loss on Ray Lewis. That son of a bitch is supposed to be the best defender in the league and he put up a big fat 0. What happened to the MVP talk and the Super Bowl performances? Does that pre-game prance not fire up the Ravens like it used to? Clearly Lewis has lost a step. The old Ray Lewis would have recorded at least 5 or 6 sacks and probably a pick on his bye week. Unfortunately, Lewis was held scoreless as were the Ravens who were off. One double digit performer (Jay Cutler with 13.25) and 2 o's is cause for tremendous concern. COLIN KUZESLON!

Taste the Happy: 117.75
What's New Pussycat?: 68.00

After an 0-3 start, Eli has won 4 of his last 5. Beware. Baron, meanwhile, is contemplating AFC Central quarterbacks, having forgotten about the playoffs weeks ago.

Taste the Happy:
Brian Griese's leadership carried the team the week. Well, maybe not, but everyone other than Griese played quite well with Kellen Winslow's 8.0 being the lowest total among skill starters. Torry, TJ, and Hines combined for 4 touchdowns and nearly 300 yards receiving. While Chatman, Jones, and Watson are all substandard running backs, they all play for substandard teams with no other options. As such, a great many touches went their way and in spite of no end zone points, the three running backs went for 29.

What's New Pussycat?:
On the positive side, Baron paid his VUFSA dues this week, which is more than I can say for some of you. Also, Baron had a few players in double digits despite selling the farm some time ago. LenDale White is quietly becoming a better running back and will no doubt anchor this franchise heading into next season. I'm still not sure what's happened to Frank Gore. Nor am I sure what's happened to Derek Anderson, who has inexplicably surpassed Carson Palmer as the best quarterback on What's New Pussycat?.

*May or may not be true. Sounds good, though for dramatic effect.

Week Seven Recap: Defense (at least Dwight Freeney) Wins Games

This week, Dwight Freeney single-handedly snatched victory from the jaws of defeat for Madd Skillz, leaving both Ed and Tomke wondering exactly how that happened. All was not good for Ed, though, as key acquisition Ronnie Brown was lost for the year with an ACL injury. Elsewhere, Tom Brady tallied a VUFSA season-high 48.75 to help Thom Is A Man-Whore remain undefeated. The Hulkamaniacs missed doubling up Which Bear Is Best by 2.25 points, and Slick finally removed Anquan Boldin from his lineup, only to have that cost him a win.
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Madd Skillz - 110.75
Romo's 18-Inch Dong - 105.75

Madd Skillz: Faced with crucial byes, it appeared Skillz would fall back below .500, but Dwight Freeney and Robbie Gould refused to let that happen. A sterling effort by the defense (28.50, including 16 from the aforementioned Freeney) and a field-goal fest in Philadelphia (13 from Gould) made up for the fact that four running backs combined for 17 (or less than what LDT would score in one half). Ronnie Brown (10.50) was solid, but left with a knee injury that has him on the shelf for the rest of the season. This leaves a gaping hole in the backfield. It should be offset some by the return of Steven Jackson, but without a trade Skillz is looking at Ron Dayne or Michael Bennett as a RB fixture. Skillz got good contributions from his receivers (even a TD from Ronald Curry), and Donovan McNabb played well enough for the Eagles to win.

Romo's 18-Inch Dong: If Dave Tomke saw Freeney walking down the street, he would undoubtedly kick him in the crotch. Romo was solid and Moss was awesome again (20). Burress and Galloway both had catches, but neither found the end zone. Reggie Bush and Maurice Jones-Drew had good efforts (28 points combined), but Ahman Green (6.50) was a victim of Houston falling behind early, and Kevin Faulk (2.50) saw a diminished role with the return of Laurence Maroney. Dong did get a TD from Jason Taylor, but th defense was outscored 28.50-14.50, and that proved to be enough.

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Thom Is A Man-Whore - 149.25
Who Wants To Sex Mbaye - 98.25

Thom Is A Man-Whore: Tom Brady is better than all of you. The Terrific One outdid himself again this week by tossing six TDs and playing well into the fourth quarter of a blowout. Brady has 11 TDs in his last two games (I'm sure you haven't heard that stat already), and his 48.25 points was the highest individual score this season. Calvin Johnson had a rushing touchdown, one more than Shaun Alexander had. Kevin Jones (17) and Heath Miller (16.50) made up for the lack of success from Alexander and LaMont Jordan (10.50 combined).

Who Wants To Sex Mbaye: Viano needed some serious Thunder, but Peyton felt a need to throw to Reggie Wayne instead of Anthony Gonzalez. Willis McGahee (18) hates Buffalo and took out his frustrations on the Bills, but Cedric Benson and Jerious Norwood continued to disappoint. Manning, Dallas Clark and Willie Parker all surpassed their expected point totals, and Kevin Walter (WHO?) had a fantastic showing, but bye weeks to a couple top receivers and a lack of depth at running back once again plagued everyone's favorite lion-killing African.

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Taste the Happy - 130.75
Slick - 120.50

Taste the Happy: Kenny Watson wishes he could run against the Jets' defense every week. The Jets made Watson (33.50) look like a Hall of Famer (Iain Eagle's words, not mine) with 3 TDs and 130 yards. Watson is the highest scoring individual this week not named Brady. Larry Johnson (21) has rebounded nicely from his early season struggles, and Jeff Garcia (26.25) threw for 300 plus. Torry Holt's struggles continue, thanks to the anemic St. Louis offense.

Slick: Slick finally listened to all the owners who complained of Anquan Boldin being in the starting lineup despite not playing. If only he had waited one more week. Boldin caught 2 TDs, and his 17 points would have been enough to give Slick his third win of the year. Slick had four players score at leas 17 points, including 23 from DeMeco Ryans (what's the deal with high-scoring defenders this week). Earnest Graham (20) was Garcia's favorite target, and he showed he could carry the offense. Chad Pennington finally had a worthwhile performance (although some of that can be attributed to a meaningless TD on the final play of the game), and Marion Barber outshone Julius Jones in the battle of Dallas running backs.

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The Hulkamaniacs - 145.25
Which Bear is Best - 73.75

The Hulkamaniacs: The Hulksters had seven double-digit performers (a week-high) to nearly double up WBIB. Laveraneus Coles and Wes Welker (44.50) more than made up for 3.50 from Marques Colston, and Marshawn Lynch and Brandon Jacobs (33) did the same for Laurence Maroney. Coles and Welker had 4 TDs between them, one more than the entire WBIB squad. London Fletcher scored 14.50 (another high-scoring defended), which would have made him the third-best player on WBIB. Adam Vinatieri was an extra point away from giving the Hulkamaniacs another scorer in double-figures.

Which Bear is Best: It's a good thing JR got a new job (congrats by the way), or we might all be on suicide watch. Marc Bulger continued to look hapless, and he might have set a VUFSA record for worst performance ever. Yuck. Ed will have to check on that. Clinton Portis was good (with his two scores), and Josh Brown tallied 15 points. The problem is, when your kicker scores the second-most points on your team, it has not been a good week. The good news is, there's nowhere to go but up...I hope.

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ChamPeons - 107.50
What's New Pussycat - 93.25

ChamPeons: While not doing much on the field, Priest Holmes served as team motivational speaker to get Champ out of the cellar. The Peons had a good, balanced day. Six players scored at least 10, while none had more than 18.50. Drew Brees finally remembered that he was supposed to lead the "high-powered" New Orleans offense, while Terrell Owens, Brian Westbrook and Joseph Addai turned in workman-like performances.

What's New Pussycat: At least Baron has Roddy White and LenDale White to be thankful for. Other than that, not a whole lot went right. He can take solace in the fact that his squad would have beaten JR, and that now he has the inside track to the number one pick in the '08 draft. Santana Moss and Alge Crumpler were non-existent this week, a big reason why WNP is firmly entrenched in the cellar.

Week 7 Previews

These are going to be short because I'm at work and I only have an hour or so to do this. Plus, no one else is doing very much on these, so I'm feeling less inclined to do anything on my own.

GAME OF THE WEEK
Madd Skillz (3-3) at Romo's 18-Inch Dong (5-1)

Ed has a shit-ton of byes headlined by LaDanian Tomlinson and Steve Smith. Romo is missing DeShaun Foster, Antonio Gates, and Donald Driver, but those byes are much more manageable than Ed's, since Romo seems to have some pretty good depth, especially at RB. Kevin Faulk was a good addition and should provide some points when the Patriots are up by about 40 points. Romo should win another lucky matchup due to byes.


ON DECK
Who Wants to Sex Mbaye? (3-3) at Thom is a Man-Whore (6-0)

Did anyone predict Stem being 6-0? Adrian Peterson and Tom Brady do not fuck around. The Manning/Brady debate will be huge this week, but Viano might want to think about not starting Javon Walker. Also, he still loves playing just two defensemen. Stem's dominance is going to continue until someone stops him. Me?


DALE EARNHARDT MEMORIAL GAME
Taste the Happy (2-4) at Slick (2-4)

Slick is currently beating J.R., Champ and Baron. I really wish he would trade me Marion Barber III. I'm a big fan of that guy. If Eli doesn't win this game, he'll be behind Slick, too, and he might end his own life. Don't worry, T. Gun, I'm predicting you to win this one.


BATTING CLEAN-UP
The Hulkamaniacs (5-1) at Which Bear is Best? (2-4)

That Maroney/Colston for Jones-Drew/Burress is still working out really well for me. J.R.'s team is not nearly as bad as its record indicates. I'm going to go out on a limb and pick J.R. in this one, giving Stem and Romo some breathing room at the top of the standings.


THE FIVE HOLE
What's New Pussycat? (1-5) at ChamPeons (1-5)

Baron's team is really, really bad. Honestly, I have no idea who his keepers are going to be next season. Champ had a valiant effort last week, despite missing a big portion of his team due to byes. He should improve down the stretch, and probably beat Baron by at least 50 points.

Super Speed Recap for Week 6

I have about 30 minutes. Here we go.

Duel #1
Madd Skillz 174.0 (3-3)
The Hulkamaniacs 134.0 (5-1)

High Points:

-Madd Skillz led his team from within Mexico to victory. LT woke up from his averageness with 4 TDs, Ronnie Brown was in double digits again, and McNabb decided to be on the warm side this week. In the end, Edwin continued his cumulative point total dominance, moving into a playoff spot with the victory (may have been there last week but I don't have time to look it up).
-The Hulkamaniacs saw their 10 game winning streak come to an end, but not for lack of effort as the red and yellow clad warriors put up the second highest point total of the week. I'm not that upset as I didn't deserve to win last week and did and I did deserve to win this week and didn't. All even. Boy this Laurence Maroney groin injury is starting to piss me off more and more with each Maurice Jones-Drew scamper.

Duel #2
WhoWantsToSexMbaye? 72.50 (3-3)
Which Bear is Best? 72.00 (2-4)

Highlights:

-WWTSM eeked out an unimpressive victory. As if we didn't know, Matt Schaub (3.75) is no Peyton Manning. Jerious NorwoodwangdongTomkejoke saved the season with an 18 point Monday night that pushed WWTSM ahead.

-WBIB suffered another narrow, narrow defeat. This season appears to be the one in which the Radcliffian luck is running thin. That and Thomas Jones. Whoops, did I say that? Without Harrison and Wayne, JR was shallow on offense with the aforementioned Thomas Jones (13.50) and Edgerrin James (14) being the only worthwhile efforts. The loss seems to have sent owner Radcliffe in some type of funk that it is reminiscent of the one I went in before I won the league last season.

Duel #3
Thom Is A Man Whore: 117.25 (6-0)
Taste the Happy: 93.25 (2-4)

Highlights:

-TISAMW stands as the only undefeated team in the league. Go Stem go! 70.1% of his team's point total came from Tom Brady and Adrian Peterson who both put forth 40+ efforts. The rest of the team was actually really bad, but hell, when you get 80+ from two guys, Stem could have beaten either of the two teams in the previous matchup without starting a single wide receiver, defender, kicker, or tight end. Eesh.

-TTH finds themselves in quarterback limbo. On the one hand there's Jon Kitna who could either go for 35 or 0. The other hand has Vince Young who likewise is subject to wild fluctuation. This week, Eli would have been better to start no one as Young hurt the team for negative points. The massive deterioration of Rudi Johnson continues (0), offsetting Larry Johnson's first worthwhile game (16) in some time.

Duel #4
Slick: 87.25 (2-4)
What's New Pussycat?: 62.0 (1-5)

Highlights:

-Slick received double digit performances from Matt Stover (16), Chris Cooley (15.5), Amani Toomer (13.5), and Bernard Berrian (11.5). He also managed to get Anquan Boldin out of the line up, which was a victory in and of itself.

-Well, there isn't much left for Baron. He's blown up the team to the point where I worry about his ability to hold onto 5 players for next season. Carson Palmer is always a threat, but only LenDale White managed double digits for this crew of back ups. In all, WNP? received less than 1 point efforts from 4 different players. Gross.

Duel #5
Romo's No Longer Dating Carrie Underwood: 127.25 (5-1)
ChamPeons: 124.0 (1-5)

Highlights:

-7 double digit scorers for Tomke who boasts an incredibly balanced team. Of course, Maurice Jones-Drew led the way with 28. Really, only Donald Driver (3) and Antonio Gates (3.5) disappointed as everyone else carried their weight and then some. And Becky told me that Romo and Underwood are no more, so there is the Tomke-Romo gay fling, which is something.

-Champ is singing "Everybody Hurts" right now. His team put up a fantastic effort in a game they really needed in order to have a chance at the playoffs. It came up just short despite having two Kansas City Chiefs not named Priest or Kennison go for 20+. In all, a solid effort as Champ prepares to play spoiler the rest of the way.

Not bad for a quickie. Was it good for you?

Write your own damn recap

Somebody else can do the recap this week. I realize I'm just getting the karmic balance that was coming to me, but I'm bored with these and am not particularly enamored with fantasy football this week. I'm getting outscored by an expansion team that isn't even trying.

Week 6 Preview

Sorry this one is so late, guys. I had an exam this week and I've been working a lot. Good news, though, #1-ranked Grand Valley State University just tied a Div. II record with its 34th consecutive win in football. Also, the women's soccer team is still #1 in the nation with three games left in the regular season. Volleyball is eighth in the nation, too, and just beat the 10th-ranked team in five games. Onto the previews...

GAME OF THE WEEK
The Hulkamaniacs (5-0) at Madd Skillz (2-3)

I like Drew's smack talk here, implying that Edwin could, in fact, be penetrating Michael Vick as we speak. Is he? Maybe. But, it will be tough for Drew to take advantage of that fact, since he's missing Marshawn Lynch, who's on a bye. I could see Donovan McNabb and Matt Hasselbeck doing interracial gay porn together. I'm not sure why, but there it is. Also, I wonder if Hasselbeck's wife is hot, because I would totally do Tim Hasselbeck's wife, the one on The View. Fantasy-wise, I'm not a huge fan of either of these quarterbacks. Whole lot of talent at receiver in this one, as Steve Smith and Chad Johnson will look to top Anus Coles, Braylon Edwards and Marques "I wish I was a tight end" Colston. Ronald Curry isn't really in the same level as the other five. I would give the edge to Ed here if 87-year old Vinnie Testaverde didn't just get signed by Carolina, but he did, so.. Go Drew! I regret trading Ronnie Brown. I guess that is a lesson that I have to learn though: Fat people have value in this world, after all. Who knew? Speaking of fat, Ron Dayne! DeShawn Wynn is a huge cocktease, making people think that he might be good, but then sucking and probably laughing at them. Fuck you, DeShawn Wynn. Tomlinson and Brown are good, but Wynn isn't a definite starter, and Ahman Green is back in Houston. Brandon Jacobs recovered from his strained vagina, which will help Drew go without Lynch. Brian Leonard has been good covering for Steven Jackson, too. DeAngelo Williams has failed to outperform DeShaun Foster through a season and change, which does not bode well. Why can't they just be Angelo Williams and Shaun Foster? Good question. Two white tight ends! Tony Romo loves throwing to Jason Witten and the Buffalo Bills. Steve McNair can't throw to his receivers because they're more than five yards away, so Todd Heap will get some catches. Wes Welker benefits from Tom Brady's sexy charisma. Drew should probably start a kicker.

Prediction: If Drew picks up and starts a kicker, I'm going with him, but if not, then Ed. Despite the fact that he is all up in Ron Mexico.


ON DECK
Eli is a Jerk (2-3) at Thom is a Man-Whore (5-0)

Jon Kitna, Kevin Jones and Calvin Johnson will all watch this one from the sidelines, along with Travis Henry, who will be smoking up as much pot as he can. Kitna, meanwhile, will be leading Bibnle Study classes for the many Lions who apparently love Jesus now. With Jones and Johnson on bye and Lamont Jordan hurt, Stem is forced to use Michael Jenkins in the flexxx spot, which does not bode well for his unblemished record. He'll get some help at the quarterback position, where Tom Brady's rugged hansomeness should outscored Vince Young. Torry Holt could be the only good player on the Rams, T.J. Houshmanzadeh is just about as consistent as they come, and Bobby Engram does not, as far as I know, have ebola, which is a plus. On the other side, Larry Fitzgerald is very good, although the guy now coaching his college team is retarded. Some dude named Cleo Lemon is throwing to Chris Chambers, which sucks. Jerricho Cotchery also suffers from ass-licking quarterback syndrome. Even though Mike Sellers scored twice on the vaunted Detroit Lions defense last week, I'm not so sure that he's a good start for Stem this week. I like Shaun Alexander and Adrian Peterson more than I like Larry Johnson and Julius Jones, but if Rudi Johnson plays, he's a lot better than Sellers. Good tight end matchup here, since Watson plays with Sexy McBeardsley and Kellen Winslow is a god damned soldier. The Gun has covered his bases with the Bengals, starting Kenny Watson at the flexxx spot, and even if he doesn't play, Jenkins still blows.

Prediction:
Why pick against Stem when he doesn't seem to lose? Also, because we both share the feelings that we hope A-Rod comes to Detroit, even though we know he probably won't.


THE DALE EARNHARDT MEMORIAL GAME
Who Wants to Sex Mbaye? (2-3) at Which Bear is Best? (2-3)

Viano's entire team is on a bye week, so that could hurt him. Seriously, though, he has seven fucking guys on a bye this week. Here they are: Peyton Manning, Darrell Jackson, Willie Parker, Dallas Clark, Javon Walker, Najeh Davenport (AWESOME) and Anthony Gonzalez. J.R. is missing all his starting receivers (Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne and Lee Evans), so this matchup could be a lot lower scoring than it would be any other week. Brett Favre and Matt Schaub were both drafted by the Falcons before being traded away. There are no receivers of note in this matchup, other than Patrick Crayton, and he's only being mentioned because of his quarterback. J.R. has a huge edge at running back this week, especially if Brian Westbrook plays, eliminating any contributions from Correll Fuckhalter. Cedric Benson runs like a woman. Willis McGahee never has a "bad" day. Meanwhile, Edgerrin James and Clinton Portis are very good, and Bill Belichick has decided that Sammy Morris has a much larger penis than Laurence Maroney, or at least one that is more suited to his running style. Desmond Clark plays for the Bears, and the only Bear non-defender that has any real value is Devin Hester. I've also given up on Jerious Norschlong, because he hasn't done fucking anything. J.R. went out on a limb and traded away a draft pick to get Thomas Jones, who should put him over the edge in this matchup.

Prediction:
Since the receivers in this matchup are god awful, I have to go with the team that has better running backs: J.R.


BATTING CLEANUP
Champeons (2-3) at Romo's 18-Inch Dong (4-1_

Romo is going to have to overcome adversity this week, going without the Furrburger, who is an integral part of this team. Champ meanwhile, gets lucky, only missing Roy Williams, Joseph Addai, and Kenton Keith. Are you serious? Damon Huard gets his first (possibly ever, anywhere) fantasy start against the still-sucking Drew Brees. On the other side, Tony Romo is dominant even when he's awful, like he was on Monday. Big #1-receiver matchup, as Terrell Owens and Randy Moss go head-to-head in the game of the early year. Dwyane Bowe is an emerging bad ass in Kansas City, while Plaxico Burress stiff-armed the shit out of some dude in last week's game for a long touchdown. I'm a big stiff-arm fan. J.R.'s a big fan of anything stiff. BONER! Romo traded Leon Washington to bring in a strong WR3 in Donald Driver, who will go up against noted white receiver Kevin Curtis. Atlanta's running game has been bad without Ron Mexico (who is busy with Ed) this year, but Warrick Dunn is still solid. Justin Fargas could score some points if he runs like he did at the end of their last game. Champ took a gamble and traded Frank Gore and a high draft pick for Brian Westbrook. We'll see how that pays off. For Romo, Reggie Bush is the only guy in the RBs that will get the large majority of the carries. Foster splits carries and is generally mediocre, while Maurice Jones-Drew had a good week last week and will hopefully continue that trend. Antonio Gates is awesome, and Champ is really going to be dependent on the Kansas City passing attack, which is probably not a good strategy. If Jason Wright starts instead of Jamal Lewis, it should be a big mismatch at the flex spot between him and Derrick Mason.

Prediction:
Myself, but only because Champ has a lot of key byes. I'm fucking lucky. Also, my brother was at Mario Lopez's birthday party at a club in Chicago last night. True story.


THE FIVE HOLE
What's New Pussycat? (1-4) at Slick (1-4)

This matchup is going to be like watching two drunk frat guys getting really wasted and then experimenting clumsily in the dark.

Prediction:
Anal leakage.

"Someone is out to get him"

It's probably God, for abusing all that money.

Scandal Hits Oral Roberts

W5R: Monday (and Tuesday) Mayhem

Tony Romo's 18-inch dong reared its ugly head on Monday night, and as one owner jerked absent-mindedly at his own .18 incher, several others in the VUFSA were paying attention as Monday Thunder brought about last-second uprising. The final drive in the week's final game meant changes to two outcomes and the threat of change in a third (though Morris was waiting behind the scenes). Two undefeated teams began to look like postseason locks, Madd Skillz overcame a some bad byes to post the week's biggest total, Taste The Happy was left cursing the name of a familiar nemesis before the tables turned and Andrew Hansen must have been recovering from emergency dental surgery. Do I hear wedding bells? Trent Green hears bells, too.
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Madd Skillz - 126.00
WhoWantsToSexMbaye? - 123.00

Game Summary: When Tony Romo was completing passes to his own players, the primary receiver was Jason Witten, and that was good news for the VUFSA's newest non-bachelor. The 16 points by the Cowboys tight end tipped the scales, with a big final drive clinching victory over playoff hopeful Mbaye. Andy Viano's troops are solid across the board, but yet another great week by Ronnie Brown, double digit efforts from all but two skill slots, and a little dose of Romo's magic gave Viano the hardest of hard-luck losses -- second-highest point total in the VUFSA all week, and still a setback.

Madd Skillz: With Donovan McNabb, Chad Johnson and Ronald Curry on bye, it was supposed to be among Ed Schillinger's biggest down weeks. But trying to atone for eliminating the Cubs on his wedding day, the karmic gods atoned with a big week. Ben Roethlisberger (14.5) wasn't terrible filling in for McNabb, and even Vernand Morency (9.5) added something to the pot. Brown (21) was excellent, making him a godsend to Ed's misadventures this year, and small double digit efforts belonged to Donte Stallworth (12), Steve Smith (10), Ron Dayne (10.5) and LDT (10.5).

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?: Probably would have liked the win, one week before byes claim his starting quarterback, tight end, two receivers and at least one top running back. Peyton Manning (21.25) was his usual self, and Viano received superb contributions across the board. Vincent Jackson (11.5) was finally worth a damn, and you can't even be displeased with Willis McGahee (13.5) and Cedric Benson (12.5), two underachieving running backs thus far. Dallas Clark (11.5) did well but still lost the battle of white tight ends. Jerious Norwood (3) and Darrell Jackson (1) continue to disappoint. Will Witherspoon (12.25) with a monster defensive day.

It was over when... Witten grabbed three catches for 25 yards on the touchdown drive preceding Dallas' onside kick Monday, amounting to 3.5 points for Ed in the week's final minute.
===============

Taste The Happy - 88.75
Which Bear Is Best - 88.25

Game Summary: It ain't over until it's over, except when it's not over. In a move that perhaps gives Eli some small measure of retribution for a career of unfortunate fantasy football events, Yahoo Morris gave Eli an extra 3.75 points overnight and allowed Taste The Happy to claim a narrowest-of-margins victory over the guy who usually gets such benefit, WBIB. If it holds (and a DeMarcus Ware forced fumble remains disputed), Eli Gieryna will have overcome zeros from both Jon Kitna and James Jones, as well as horrible single-digit performances from Larry Johnson, Bobby Engram, Julius Jones and Travis Henry. Defense wins championships, and Eli's crew is credited with 30.25 points.

Taste The Happy: Gieryna cannot even feel bad about starting Kitna (0) over Vince Young (1), since neither quarterback did a damn thing. James Jones (0) nullified his decent day with two fumbles -- and tackles on both plays -- and Larry Johnson (3.5) continues to be one of the greatest fantasy disappointments in years, unless he turns it around quickly. Torry Holt (14.5) caught a late touchdown to boost his value and Nate Kaeding (11) had a decent day, but those were the only two double-digit efforts on offense. Meanwhile, Kerry Rhodes (16) had a defensive touchdown among his achievements and Ware (10.25) had a big game in Dallas' comeback. The problem for Eli -- Ware has been given a forced fumble, and Buffalo wasn't credited with any fumbles, according to the Yahoo box score. The question: is it a forced fumble if the same team recovers? Stay tuned.

Which Bear is Best: For a while, it looked like a last-second change was going to pay serious dividends. Deciding to insert Patrick Crayton (12) over Lee Evans (4) looked very good, especially when Crayton caught a touchdown with 20 seconds remaining Monday night to give Radcliffe what appeared to be victory. Modest production from Reggie Wayne (12.5) and Brett Favre (13.25) was helpful, though a hail-mary interception by the latter at the end of regulation looks bad now, given the final score of this matchup. Sammy Morris (11) continued to vulture points away from an injured Laurence Maroney.

It was over when... Morris started pushing buttons.
===============

The Hulkamaniacs - 74.00
ChamPeons - 60.25

Game Summary: Ugly. Drew Wolf remains undefeated, but it wasn't because he had his best week. In a week that was bad for several quarterbacks, both Matt Hasselbeck and Drew Brees finished in the single digits. Injuries left gaping zeros on both sides, though Champ was afflicted more greatly by the non-appearance of star running back Joe Addai. Whitlock went without a single double-digit performance, and that ultimately proved to be his undoing.

The Hulkamaniacs: With Laurence Maroney inactive, Wolf maneuvered to get Santonio Holmes into the flex spot -- except then he was ruled inactive, as well. Todd Heap got the same treatment, and suddenly Wolf was staring down a pair of zeros. Brandon Jacobs (13) returned to the Giants with some fanfare and Brian Leonard (14) had a nice game in Steven Jackson's ever-growing absence. Marshawn Lynch, Braylon Edwards and Loveyouranus Coles each had solid-if-unspectacular days (8) and Matt Hasselbeck (2.25) was super, super bad. Michael Turner (20) was benched, but will likely get playing time before it's all over.

ChamPeons: Addai getting ruled out late was a blow, but it's a whole separate ballgame if Champ has a chance to insert backup Kenton Keith (27.50) into that vacancy. Terrell Owens could have provided some Thunder, but he was limited to 2.5 points, and Roy Williams (2.5) was also nowhere to be found, leaving Dwayne Bowe (5) and Derrick Mason (9.5) as the top receivers. Add Frank Gore (7.5) to the list of disappointing running backs. Tony Gonzalez (9) caught a touchdown pass. Drew Brees (6.75) is at the front of the disappointing quarterbacks list.

It was over when... Terrell Owens went AWOL on Monday
===============

Thom is a Man-Whore - 106.75
Slick - 49.25

Game Summary: Tom Brady continued his reign of terror, but it hardly mattered with Andrew Slick demonstrating his inattention to detail. It was an easy 5-0 for the league's premier team.

Thom is a Man-Whore: Tom Brady (28.5) is quickly becoming this year's LDT, the surefire bomb worth a minimum of 22-23 points every week. Larry Fitzgerald had an outstanding game to garner 17 points, and Ben Watson (21) received some of Brady's touchdown goodness, overcoming the fact that most of Stem's remaining players sucked bananas. Chris Chambers, Jerricho Cotchery, Shaun Alexander (where the hell is he, anyway?), Kevin Jones, Greg Jones and Calvin Johnson were all worth fewer than six points, but still Stem reached the century mark behind his golden boy QB.

Slick: Slick had more important things to worry about than setting his fantasy lineup for the second week in a row, like tending to his kittens or getting a back rub from Zane Teilane in Macomb. Anquan Boldin was ruled out with days to spare, again, and yet Hansen made no effort to get someone new in the lineup. I don't think even the old owner of this team would want it back after seeing where the new owner has taken it. This isn't Yahoo Public #276895, is it? It's one thing to miss a game-morning inactive, but another to go with a guy ruled out in advance.

It was over when... Yahoo! installed the "drag and drop" concept to its lineup card, a new mechanism that has obviously confounded one of the VUFSA's ten owners.
===============

Tony Fucking Romo - 114.25
What's New Pussycat? - 63.75

Game Summary: Not really much of a contest here, with Baron hampered by byes to his two best players and relative ineffectiveness from a running back crew, including an injured Michael Pittman. Newest "it" kicker Nick Folk was about the only thing going for him, along with a surprisingly excellent performance from his backup QB. Tomke easily overcame bad play from his quarterback thanks to an ample supply of double-digit performers.

Tony Fucking Romo: Yawn. That whole Tony Romo lovefest is getting old, and it's surprising that Romo (7.25) was able to manage positive territory after six turnovers. Newly acquired Maurice Jones-Drew (16.5) had a big run to give Tomke a glimmer of hope after a series of misfortunes with his running crew, and Antonio Gates (14.5), Reggie Bush (12.5), Plaxico Burress (14.5) and even defender Jason Taylor (11.75) made for a balanced week of production that gave Tomke the league's third best score of the week. Randy Moss (3.5) had his first off week of the year.

What's New Pussycat?: Jason Campbell! The Redskins quarterback had a good matchup this week, but his 23.75 points has to be pleasing all the same. Not good: a combined 5.25 points from running backs Thomas Jones (4), Michael Pittman (1) and LenDale White (0.25). The receivers didn't fare much better, with Donald Driver (4) leading the charge. Alge Crumpler (1) continued to be disappointing in the Joey Harrington-led offense.

It was over when... Maurice Jones-Drew broke a 52-yard run to set the tone in a whitewash.
===============

Next week: In a battle of monster bye week harm, SexMbaye and Best Bear square off in a meeting with significant playoff implications. The Hulkamaniacs face a legitimate threat to its undefeated season against Madd Skillz. Slick and Pussycat engage in the first overall pick sweepstakes. Tomke will try to overcome the bye week loss of Mike Furrey as Champ provides a stiff test. Without Joe Addai, Frank Gore and Roy Williams.

Open Thread, Week 5

It's early, but with most people at weddings this weekend, and the open bar starting sometime soon, it's only right to get the ball rolling.

Week 5 Preview

Get this shit. I just discovered this. Vincent Lecavalier (my favorite hockey player) and Tony Romo (my favorite football player) WERE BORN ON THE EXACT SAME DAY. April 21, 1980. It's a god damned national holiday. Clear your fucking schedules, party's at my place.

GAME OF THE WEEK
Who Wants to Sex Mbaye? (2-2) at Madd Skillz (1-3)

Andy Viano is the master of only having two defensemen playing until gameday. The only big bye this week for Ed is Chad Johnson (Donovan McNabb is too up and down and mostly down). Viano really doesn't have any to worry about. Both teams' quarterbacks are going against good defenses, with Ben Roethlisberger playing against Seattle and Peyton Manning taking on Tampa Bay. In this case, you have to favor Manning, who isn't challenged by anyone not named Romo, Brady or Kitna. Not a lot of good wide receivers in this matchup, with Ed's Steve Smith being far and away the best. Donte' Stallworth has done nothing all year and Andre Davis is a third-stringer moved up due to injuries. Viano started the JJJ lineup at wide receiver. While they all have the same last name, they also share the trait of not being that good. Jennings has benefited from Favre playing like it's ten years ago, while Darrell Jackson lost his starting quarterback and Vincent Jackson was only a decent WR3, in my opinion. Ed's running back situation, outside of Tomlinson, is best described as "tubby." But not bad. Tomlinson has been playing better lately, although he did cry like a little girl at his last press conference. I regret trading Ronnie Brow, and Ron Dayne once won the Heisman Trophy. One of my favorite fantasy teams of all time was at Valpo when Ed sucked bad and traded all his guys away for Heisman winners, and would only play guys if they had won the Heisman. Great team. I enjoyed it. I signed Willie Parker in Madden '06. He's only a 74. He's much better than that in real life, and should do well for Viano. McGahee goes against a better San Fran defense, and I'm convinced that Cedric Benson is a huge vagina. Plus he's going against a tough Green Bay defense. Dallas Clark is a white tight end that loves catching touchdowns. Jason Witten is a white tight end that plays with the best quarterback in the nation. Vernand Morency and Jerious Norcockandballs will combine for about two points. Robbie Gould plays for Chicago, and they're TWO GAMES BEHIND THE LIONS.

Prediction:
Ed, since Steve Smith and the running backs give him the advantage. Plus, Tony Romo will throw about eight touchdowns, so Witten will probably have to catch a few.

ON DECK
Taste the Happy (1-3) at Which Bear is Best (2-2)

Eli's horrible luck continues, while J.R.'s streak never fails. J.R. has all of his players ready to go, while Eli has Rudi Johnson, Kenny Watson and T.J. Houshmanzadeh are all on byes and Travis Henry loves toking up. But let's be honest, with Ricky Williams applying for reinstatement into the NFL, everyone knew that this was coming. They were probably celebrating his return from India, or wherever the hell he was. That's going to force either Marcell Shipp or Garret Wolfe into duty for The Gun. Ouch. Brett Favre is going against a tough, yet injured, Chicago defense, while Jon Kitna doesn't care which defense he's playing. The wide receivers are slightly in J.R.'s favor, but it could turn into a huge edge if Hines Ward's yeast infection sidelines him for the game. Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison are probably best described as consistently good, while Lee Evans is best described as a steaming pile of dog shit. I really hope James Jones' middle name is Earl. That'd be awesome. Travis Henry is a huge fan of Mary Jane. Larry Johnson and Julius Jones are going to have a hard time standing up against Edgerrin James, Clinton Portis (who plays against the dominant Lions) and Fred Taylor (who will score 45 points merely because I own Maurice Jones-Drew). Will anyone, let alone Kellen Winslow, score against the Patriots? Brandon Marshall is big, Antwaan Randel El is fast. KORDELL STEWART!

Prediction:
J.R. will pull of the upset, and Eli will join Travis Henry in a Chinese opium den.


THE DALE EARNHARDT MEMORIAL GAME
ChamPeons (1-3) at The Hulkamaniacs (4-0)

The 3-spot sucked as a name, whichever one of you made it up. Dale Earnhardt is way sweeter, and chances are, Champ will be featured in it each week. How is Drew Brees predicted to score more points than Matt Hasselbeck? I mean, it might happen, but at this point in the season, which one would you put your money on? A whole lot of talent at receiver in this matchup. Drew starts Anus Coles, Braylon Edwards and newly-acquired Marques Colston, who's loss of tight-end eligibility made him less attractive to me. Sexually. Meanwhile, Champ has the two best receivers in the league after the catch, Roy Williams and Terrell Owens. Plus, they both have good quarterbacks that love throwing them the ball. Dwayne Bowe has emerged as the only option in Kansas City, and doesn't spell his name wrong like fuckwad Dwyane Wade. I think Champ might have the edge, but it's fuckin' close. Wow, this could actually end up being the game of the week, talent-wise. I fucking hate Laurence Maroney and had to trade him after he cost me a 4-0 start to the season. I hope Maurice Jones-Drew doesn't blow dong. Marshawn Lynch has been solid all season long, but will Brandon Jacobs step up? He was injured early on, and it's possible that he could go down again at any time. Frank Gore and Joseph Addai are both great fantasy running backs, but Warrick Dunn and the whole Falcons team, including Jerious Norwang are sucking balls. They're not as good as Joey Ballgame. Fuck tight ends?

Prediction:
Drew will go to 5-0, although it will be in a high-scoring affair in both ends. I just can't go with Drew Brees right now.

BATTING CLEANUP
Slick (1-3) at Thom is a Man-Whore (4-0)

No matter what I see in the matchup when I look, I'm going with Stem because of his new usage of the smack talk. "Cock. Balls. Wang." is classic. Nice work, Stem. Stem still fields a strong lineup, despite missing LaMont Jordan and Adrian Peterson due to bye weeks. Tom Brady is much better than Jay Cutler. But for some reason, I always get Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers confused. Slick's staunch support of Anquan Boldin continues, but my guess is Larry Fitzgerald will outperform him, since Boldin isn't supposed to play. A bold strategy. Deion Branch is the best receiver in the matchup outside of the Cardinals, but Stem's two are better as a whole. Slick's running backs have been pleasant surprises, and I'm an asshole who decided to give him Earnest Graham for nothing. Greg Jones? Who the fuck is Greg Jones? Kevin Jones will take over for Tatum Bell (who, by the way, show his ass on Sunday because his pants were ripped), and Shaun Alexander is still good. Marion barber is a fucking stud and Jamal Lewis has been doing well. Graham will have a chance to get a lot of carries. Calvin Johnson, if he plays, is a much better option than Bernard Berrian because Sex Cannon/Brian Griese is not his quarterback.

Prediction:
If Slick didn't start Boldin and had a better QB, I'd pick him, but I'm going with Stem.


THE FIVE HOLE
What's New Pussycat? (1-3) at Romo's 18-Inch Dong (3-1)

Romo is without Chester Taylor because of a bye and Poop McAllister all year long. Baron is in a tough spot because his two best players are on bye weeks (Carson Palmer and Brian Westbrook). Michael Pittman could be huge for Baron, depending on if he gets Carnell's carries instead of Graham. Tony Romo and Jason Campbell are incomparable. Romo is about 100x better. Randy Moss and Plaxico Burress are the league leaders in touchdowns, and they both start against Baron's waiver pickups: Shaun McDonald (good) and Roddy White (not good). Donald Driver is a good bottom-tier WR1, while Joey Galloway is hit-or-miss. Not a whole lot of top-level talent at RB. Reggie Bush is Romo's only full-time back, with DeShaun Foster starting, but not getting all the carries. Jones-Drew and Leon Washington both get carries, but don't start. Pittman may start, and Ahman Green has been hurt, and finally LenDale White splits carries. This could go the other way if one guy pulls a lot of carries. Antonio Gates is money at TE.

Prediction:
I might kill myself if I lose.

VUFSA Basketball

Per Ed's suggestion, discuss basketball. Comments such as "I hate basketball" and "The NBA sucks" and "I'm gay for Brett Favre and not wearing pants" aren't allowed.

Any rules changes you want to see? Roster size changes? Category changes? Switch from head-to-head to roto?

W4R: Hulk Lays Down the Lau

Everybody has their share of injuries, which means players like Sammy Morris, Brian Leonard, Kenny Watson and Correll Buckhalter are suddenly a big deal. Three owners get hit with injury-related zeros anyway, but one of them is not The Hulkamaniacs, who improved to 4-0 in a battle of undefeated owners. Taste The Happy leaves the role of league's only winless franchise, Man-Whore Thom continues to rule the roost, Madd Skillz drops his third game of the year and Which Bear is Best wins ugly. Brett Favre!
===============

The Hulkamaniacs - 113.50
Tony Fucking Romo - 104.25

Game Summary: The mighty battle of undefeated squads leaves Drew at 4-0 and Dave Tomke searching for answers, though owner Drew Wolf can thank the New England Patriots for keeping Laurence Maroney on the sidelines Monday night. With no real alternatives on the bench anyway, Tomke elected to take the risk that Maroney would play, and it bit him in the assless chaps. Tony Romo is still one of the league's premier players, but consistency across the board was enough for Wolf.

The Hulkamaniacs: Matt Hasselbeck (19.75) is emerging as a quality quarterback option despite not much in the line of expectations headed into the year. Love-your-anus Coles, Marshawn Lynch and Braylon Edwards all with nifty days, and menial contributions by Plaxico Burress, Rams backup Brian Leonard and DeAngelo WIlliams somewhat aided the cause ... with no dynamite running back options but plenty of possibilities, Drew will have a tough call to make when Maurice Jones-Drew returns off bye and Brandon Jacobs gets back to health. Defense was big, worth close to 17 points.

Tony Fucking Romo: The Tomke Masturbatory Autumn continues with 34.25 points from his hero, again making him look like the early favorite in the matchup. If Maroney had received the 18 points backup Sammy Morris was worth, Tomke would be the one at 4-0 and chirping about his fabulousness. Instead Tomke has an injured Deuce, a potentially de-activated Reuben Droughns with the return of Brandon Jacobs to New York, an iffy Chester Taylor and a soon-to-be-dethroned (??) DeShaun Foster among his running backs. Still, Randy Moss (21.5) could be the fantasy steal of the year, though his wideout teammates are both awful (Joey Galloway -- 0.5) and white (Mike Furrey -- 6.5) respectively.

Swing moment: Foster is still far and away the running back option No. 1 in Carolina, but it was Williams who caught a 25-yard touchdown pass in garbage time for the Panthers. If you take that off Williams' line and give it to Foster, this outcome goes a different direction.
===============

Taste The Happy - 127.00
Madd Skillz - 100.25

Game Summary: Will Ed start giving Tomlinson-esque press conferences after his own 1-3 start to the year? Plenty of bad luck has haunted the VUFSA queen bee, and despite outstanding performances from two running backs this week in the absence of Steven Jackson, ineffectiveness from the quarterback and receivers made this an uphill battle. Larry Johnson finally has a decent day against his former team, and Eli Gieryna finally logs his first win of the year despite lacking any monster performances.

Taste The Happy: It had to be a bittersweet moment for Gieryna when Jon Kitna (18) whirred to life in the lategoing against the slumping Bears, giving TTH the biggest individual score of the week. TJ Houshmandzadeh (16.5) is as solid as receivers come, and Julius Jones (11.5) finally found the end zone in Dallas. Big week for defender Ernie Sims of Detroit (10.75), also at Chicago's expense, and solid efforts from Travis Henry (13), James Jones (10) and kicker Nate Kaeding (11) all contributed. It was supposed to be the week the former teams' top players faced each other, but with Jackson and Rudi Johnson on the shelf, it wasn't as fun as it could have been. Johnson's backup Kenny Watson (6) wasn't much good against the Patriots.

Madd Skillz: Donovan McBledsoe (2.75) went from fantasy smash to bust in a week's time, and he wasn't the only underperformer in the lot. Steve Smith (3.5), Chad Johnson (3.5) and Ronald Curry (0.5) had horrendous days, with flex play Donte Stallworth (4) not much better. Jason Witten caught a touchdwon, and the best days belonged to LDT (23) and Ronnie Brown (25), who has been a fantastic pickup for Skillz.

Swing moment: Steven Jackson going down didn't help. Even if owner Ed Schillinger truly has fallen from the ranks of juggernaut, you can't deny that his running backs (Tomlinson, Brown, Jackson) are the best in the league when healthy. Rudi probably would have been limited against New England anyway, so Kenny Watson's 6 points aren't much of a disappointment on the other side.
===============

WhoWantsToSexMbaye? - 108.25
ChamPeons - 93.75

Game Summary: He may not strike fear into the hearts of VUFSA owners, with three of the five 1-3 teams ranked ahead of him in points, but Andy Viano is in the playoffs if it all ends today. Peyton Manning turned in a vintage performance and despite very little else from the rest of his team -- save for Dallas Clark hating Iowa -- Champ was unable to match. Joseph Addai also benefited from a nice Indianapolis day, but there would be no Kevin Curts magic for a second straight week. Is Chad Pennington really a starting quarterback in the NFL, let alone this fantasy league?

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?: Manning (32) was awesome, and Clark (18) was one of the major targets. Such double-pointage is usually a key to success. Willis McGahee (12) had a modestly good day, but Viano had no additional double-digit efforts. Greg Jennings (9.5) caught an irrelevant touchdown that had no historical significance and Cedric Benson (8.5) had some say before getting his ass thrown back on the bench. Willie Parker (6) had a down week.

ChamPeons: Drew Brees on bye this week means a start for Pennington, which is actually an improvement when the Whitest of White Boys gets 13 points. Addai (20.5) and tight end Tony Gonzalez (11.5) have nice days, but a surprisingly bad day from Terrell Owens and Roy Williams at the same time leaves his receivers with just 9.5 points between them. Frank Gore (8) and Warrick Dunn (8) have been steady but unspectacular.

Swing Moment: Manning with a 1-yard run, plus a 3-yard pass to Clark later in the game for touchdown, gives Viano a total of three touchdowns in situations that could have easily gone to Addai, who finished with just one score. Manning also had a 5-yard touchdown pass during the game.
===============

Thom is a Man-Whore - 100.50
What's New Pussycat? - 77.50

Game Summary: The league's top dog has an easy win, with usual performances from Tom Brady and Adrian Peterson fronting the charge. Baron gets screwed with Brian Westbrook playing on Sunday night, and when word finally came that he would not be playing, Baron was left with a gaping zero. Throw in byes from two viable running backs, Santana Moss, and the fact that no offensive player reached double digits ... and you can see how it just wasn't Baron's week.

Thom is a Man-Whore: Brady (25.25) might be THE fantasy stud in the league, even though his total point collection ranks second by 1.25 to Tony Romo. Brady gets the edge because he's dreamier. Peterson (11.5) continues to be the only thing Minnesota has going for it ... but when are they finally going to let him play more than half the snaps? Bad news on the injury front with LaMont Jordan (7.5) getting bitten, though Kevin Jones (10) is back and apparently ready to assume one of Stem's top three slots. It would be nice for Stem if Chris Chambers (2.5) and Larry Fitzgerald (8.5) finally snapped out of it.

What's New Pussycat?: Julian Peterson! 17 points from a defender is an excellent steal, though without it, Baron would be in the low 60s. Brendel gets a break, however, with the loss of Cadillac Williams in Tampa, as it makes Michael Pittman (9) a better option. Shaun McDonald catches a touchdown but only amasses 8.5 points, Carson Palmer (9.25) gets shut down by New England and Donald Driver (5.5) was surprisingly not the preferred target for Mr. History. Just a bad week all around. How healthy will Jake Delhomme be next week?

Swing Moment: Tom Brady showing up on Monday, and Carson Palmer staying home.
===============

Which Bear is Best - 84.00
Taste The Happy - 77.25

Game Summary: There is the good Radcliffian luck rearing its ugly head. Despite finishing with the third-lowest score of the week, and currently harboring the fewest total points in the league -- 20 behind second-to-last -- the Bear wins and improves to 2-2 overall. Laurence Maroney's death prior to Monday night was a smashing success, since it meant backup Sammy Morris (18) was eligible to compile the necessary Thunder to overcome a 10-point deficit. What's worse? An owner not paying attention to the injury report and leaving a doubtful Anquan Boldin in the lineup, or another owner paying close attention and still not having the guns to break 85 points? And still winning?

Which Bear is Best?: If Radcliffe goes to the playoffs, it won't be because we saw it coming. WBIB has had just one 20-plus point performance this year from an individual, and that was exactly 20 points from Edgerrin James. Marc Bulger (1.75) has been horrendous, and is truly looking like one of the year's great fantasy busts. Problems arise with injuries to bye-ridden Clinton Portis and Marvin Harrison (0.5), as well as the change in role on the horizon for Derrick Ward (10.5), who has just as many receptions as Harrison. James (13.5) has a reasonably nice day, and Brandon Marshall (9) was a good flex play with Javon Walker sitting out. Lee Evans (6) rebounded slightly, but it was mostly mediocrity across the board, including six players recording fewer than four points.

Slick: If Slick goes to the playoffs, it won't be because of adept managerial skills. Anquan Boldin's status looked very much in doubt for most of the week, and yet he remained in Slick's lineup. It probably wouldn't have mattered, since the logical replacement from the afternoon games, Cedrick Wilson, also had a zero week, but a move of Berrian to the receiver slot and the insertion of an upstart Earnest Graham at flex? That's enough to beat Radcliffe. Jay Cutler (12.25), Deion Branch (10), Jamal Lewis (12) and Berrian (9) had modest weeks for the newcomer to the league, but the loss of Cadillac Williams to injured reserve throws a serious wrench in a wheel that is already decorated with wrenches. I wonder if Caddy will start next week, anyway. At least Slick has another Tampa running back.

Swing Moment: Sept. 28: Update: Boldin (hip) is doubtful for Sunday's game against the Steelers, the Cardinals' official site reports.
===============

Next week: Drew takes his 4-0 show to Iowa and faces Champ, the battle of former expansion teams pits Baron against Tomke, Stem gets a fair shake at going 5-0, and Taste The Happy and Which Bear Is Best meet in a matchup that has plenty of history. The bye weeks are in full force, which means everyone has weaknesses. My weakness is chocolate.