White Trash Beautiful

I am not terribly interested this week despite scoring what can probably be considered an upset victory. We go to BY THE NUMBERS!

Jared Allen Forever 133.75, The Gompers 114.25

19.75 -- Points amassed by Baron's hero and mentor, Jared Allen, who also bagged a likewise number of bitches after smothering the Packers on Monday.

21.75 -- Points amassed by Patrick Wills, giving Baron an unquestionable league record for defensive output in one week.

4 -- Points by Baron's third defender, Stephen Cooper. What a dick.

3.75 -- Value by which Welty wins if defenders don't count.

130 or sub-90 -- The alternating-week pattern of Jared Allen Forever.

ChamPeons 89.50, Monkey Assassinations 87.75

23.50 -- Points for Steve Smith, the highest scoring receiver in the league. And it's not even that Steve Smith you're thinking of. Early candidate for VUFSA MVP?

2 -- Number of players reaching double figures for Champ, who nonetheless emerges as the league's lone undefeated team.

1 -- Number of times Braylon Edwards accosted LeBron James' posse this week. That value is more than the number of catches Edwards had this week.

5-2 -- Record of the Richmond Red Devils.

Penguins From Hell 115.25, Stafford Infection 110.75

29 -- Points achieved by Stem's Monday Night super duo Adrian Peterson and Aaron Rodgers. Not horrible, but just short of bypassing Mason Crosby (5) and JR's Sunday lead.

10 -- Number of points from Stem's superb foresight roster member, Glen Coffee.

0 -- Value of Darren McFadden, in general

2 -- Number of weeks Pierre Thomas has done nothing in the first half, only to carry JR's team with a second-half supernova.

3-1 -- Record of Radcliffe, one of the league surprises.

Doc Brown's DeLorean 120.50, Ted Buckland Esq. 98.75

8 -- Record for field goals in a game, something Ryan Longwell did not achieve on Monday Night for Eli.

15.25 -- Points by Darren Sharper, making him just the third-most valuable defender of the week.

25 -- Cumulative points this year for disappointing receiver Greg Jennings.

95.25 -- Points accumulated by Peyton Manning, easily the most of any individual player in the VUFSA.

Curtis Conway 125, Honey & Vinegar Realty 77

1 -- Number of players in double figures for Tomke, and Brandon Marshall's 12 stemmed mostly from one miracle play.

0-4 -- The record of the only winless owner in the league, Davisson Tomke.

19.50 -- Point value in a big-time bounce back week from waiver wire wonder Mike Sims-Walker, helping Ed's cause.

2 -- Surprisingly, number of running backs Tomke owns among the league's top 10 non-quarterback scorers in McGahee and Jones-Drew.