Eat it, bitches.

I got tired of checking this thing every day, waiting for my elders to post something interesting for me to read. Now, I'm taking initiative. Apparently, you're supposed to do that when you graduate.

So anyway, I decided to look at who the top five players are at every position, as well as who is the top Asian player at every position. The number next to the player is their rank in all of fantasy baseball.

CATCHERS
The one thing that I discovered while researching catchers is this: They suck at fantasy baseball.

1) Joe Mauer - Tadano's Fluffer - 230
Mauer is the top-rated catcher, but is actually the 230th-ranked player in fantasy baseball. Conclusion: Catchers are the retards of the fantasy world. Mauer is highly-functional developmentally disabled, though, so he can actually do things, like steal four whole bases and have a .413 OBP.

2) Ramon Hernandez - ChamPeons - 239
Ranked 239 in the league, this guy is decent only because he has eight homeruns and 36 RBIs. Other than that, he sucks. Hard.

3) Victor Martinez - ELENI KAMETAS! - 290
I remember people telling me that this guy was the greatest catcher in the universe. Apparently that position entails only five homeruns and no stolen bases. Being the best catcher in the universe is like being the smartest kid with Downs Syndrome.

4) Jorge Posada - rlh.... - 318
Despite the worst team name, in my opinion, The Gun owns bitches in fantasy baseball. Despite being large and awkward on the field, Posada has seven homeruns and gets on-base almost 42% of the time.

5) Brian McCann - Tadano's Fluffer - 323
I don't even know who this guy is, but Viano has the first and fifth-ranked catchers in the league.

9) Kenji Johjima - Bondo and the Asians - 383
By far the best catcher in the league, Johjima owns all the other catchers in math skills and ability to build railroads. He's also decent, as far as catchers go, with five homeruns and some other stuff.

FIRST BASEMEN
First basemen hit a lot of homeruns and probably make fun of catchers in the dugout, and possibly in public, as well.

1) Albert Pujols - Father Abraham - 1
Pujols may be Jesus. I'm not sure. One thing I do know is that he is far and away the greatest player in fantasy baseball. He already has 25 homeruns. I think that's more than every catcher in the league combined. He also has 50 runs and 64 RBIS. Seriously.

2) Jim Thome - rlh..... - 11
I'm sure Viano loves this guy, and apparently, he's a nice guy, too. Plus, he has 20 homers, a .429 OBP, and 40+ runs and RBIs. Too bad they're not going to win the AL Central.

3) Nick Swisher - ChamPeons - 32
Another guy I don't know. Good work by Champ to add him to his team. Despite the fact that Champ drafted 32 first basemen in the draft, this is his best one, and he wasn't drafted.

4) Ryan Howard - rlh..... - 45
The Gun won't trade this guy to me, despite the fact that I've offered him multiple deals for him. Probably a good idea on Eli's part, since this guy reportedly uses small children as bats, and has hit 18 homers with said children.

5) Chase Utley - Tadano's Fluffer - 46
Apparently good, despite my early musings on "Who the hell is Chase Utley?" Has the lowest total homeruns of almost any good first baseman, with only nine, but has 41 runs and six steals to go with them.

Some really high number) Travis Ishikawa - N/A - 763
Ishikawa narrowly beat out Hee-Sop Choi for this honor, while hitting 6/12 with three RBIs. Choi has yet to make a plate appearance.

SECOND BASEMEN
Second basemen enjoy stealing bases.

1) Alfonso Soriano - ELENI KAMETAS! - 4
I remember people saying this guy was a jerk because he didn't want to play outfield or something. Those people should shut up. I'd let this guy play wherever he wanted to, since he has 18 homeruns and 12 stolen bases. If I was a manager, and he demanded sex from me in order to be on my team, it'd be tough to turn it down. He's good at baseball.

2) Chase Utley - Tadano's Fluffer - 46
I already wrote about this guy. Fuck you, dual eligibility.

3) Felipe Lopez - Sultan of Suds - 54
I thought about making a joke about Mexicans stealing things, but it was way too easy. This guy stole 16 bases, living up to his heritage.

4) Rickie Weeks - Sultan of Suds - 87
42 runs, 10 stolen bases, .393 OBP. Solid. Who are you?

5) Chone Figgins - Wily Mo's Wild Ride - 110
Not even in the top-100, but he has 16 stolen bases, and people that play fantasy baseball often get erections over stolen bases. If that's your thing, make a run at Figgins, I guess.

8) Tadahito Iguchi - Bondo and the Asians - 144
Another Asian that I don't feel kind of bad about for having on my team. 38 runs is pretty good, plus the fact that I'm sure he loves the music of Hikari Utada.

THIRD BASEMEN
I hate the fact that Baron has two of these. Sadly, there are no Asians that play third base.

1) Alex Rodriguez - Madd Skillz - 20
Rumor has it that this guy is pretty good? Makes a lot of money? He seems to have earned some of it, with 44 runs and 42 RBIs.

2) Miguel Cabrera - Sultan of Suds - 24
J.R. tried to trade this guy for Kikas Gomes, I think. It's probably better that he didn't.

3) Troy Glaus - Wily Mo's Wild Ride - 51
I'm not sure, but I think this guy is like 63 years old.

4) Morgan Ensberg - Wily Mo's Wild Ride - 62
Solid all-around. 38 runs, 17 homers, 36 RBIs, and a .402 OBP.

5) David Wright - Madd Skillz - 63
Isn't he the graphics designer for the Torch?

SHORT STOPS
Once again, no Asians. Fuckin' fascists.

1) Jose Reyes - rlh..... - 21
19 stolen bases. That's a lot.

2) Derek Jeter - ChamPeons - 24
Did you see that one catch he made while diving into the stands? By far the greatest clutch player of all-time. I'm pretty sure that any New Yorker would bend over and take it in the dumper from him at a moment's notice.

3) Hanley Ramirez - ChamPeons - 37
Why are there so many Mexicans/Hispanics/whatever in this league?

4) Miguel Tejada - Wily Mo's Wild Ride - 47
I still maintain that Bondo is way better.

5) Felipe Lopez - Sultan of Suds - 54
Probably hangs out with Jose Reyes on the weekends. His car probably has hydraulics, too.



I'll do outfielders and pitchers later, because I'm tired.