Preseason Poll

I'm an impatient person, and I'm not going to wait for everyone to get their results in before publishing the poll. So, since two of you can't be bothered to take 45 seconds and give a half-ass ranking of the VUFSA teams, I'm going on without you.

This should be a fairly accurate representation, as most teams were ranked near the same spot. Drew was the exception as he ranked as high as second and as low as seventh. I've just compiled the average ranking of each team.

Read and enjoy.

1. Madd Skillz (1.0 average ranking)
Summary: Unanimous. Is anyone really surprised? Despite last year's fluke (sorry, Drew) loss in the playoffs, this is the most talent-laden team in the league. Skillz is, yet again, anchored by three top-10 running backs and two top-5 wide receivers. Tomlinson alone would make this team competitive, but when you factor in the other talent surrounding those guys, it's a scary team to face.

The sheer luck of having Donovan McNabb -- last season's top quarterback before injury -- fall into his lap is just the butter on the bacon. While health is always a concern for Mrs. McNabb's favorite son, the upside of having McNabb go for 4,000 yards and 25 touchdowns is impressive. Vernon Davis, who can run a 4.6 forty with a Hyundai Sonata on his back, adds another layer of skillz to this team.

However: If you squint hard enough and sort of cross your eyes, you can see a few chinks in the armor. This Skillz team isn't quite as deep as in years past. The flex spot is held down by Tatum Bell, who could just as easily bust as boom. Plus, Kevin Jones will probably return mid-season to muddle the picture. Beyond Chad Johnson and Steve Smith, the wideout group is thin and unimpressive, much like JR's penis.

It's probably not enough to derail Ed's chances of regaining the title, but it still leaves things open a little bit for everyone else.

Outlook: Even with some deficiencies that haven't been present in past years, we're still looking at a probable 12-14 win team here. Don't get too excited, everyone else.

2. Ghost of Giancola (2.3 average ranking)
Summary: Much like LaDanian Tomlinson, any team with Peyton Manning is going to be fairly competitive. But Viano's high ranking goes beyond that. He has two solid, workmanlike running backs in Willis McGahee and Willie Parker. Cedric Benson has the job all to himself, and should put up good numbers if healthy. Jerious Norwood is everyone's hot sleeper pick, but it might be justified; he has toaster strudel speed and could go north of 250 carries this year.

However: Dallas Clark is a black hole at tight end. He's never had more than 500 yards in a season, and he probably won't start now.

Benson is a bit of an injury risk, and if he (or another running back) goes down, there's no one on the roster to replace him. The next-best back is Noah Herron. This team is dangerously thin past the top group of players.

Outlook: Generally, things looks good for Ghost. Manning will keep the team in games most weeks (except for the bye week, where Trent Green is currently scheduled to start). Injuries could hurt the languishing soul of the World's Sweet Receiver, but if everyone stays healthy, double digit wins is a likely mark.

3. ChamPeons (3.0 average ranking)
Summary: I don't look things up, but this is probably the highest Champ has ever finished in a preseason poll. And he's completely justified in being here. This is one top-heavy football team. Joseph Addai and Frank Gore could honestly rival Tomlinson-Johnson as the league's top running back combination. The receiver group is the best in the league with Terrell Owens, Roy Williams and Lee Evans. And Drew Brees is a top-5 quarterback. Tony Gonzalez, while old, is coming off a 900-yard campaign. He'll be solid at the spot.

Damn, Champ. Damn.

However: Kevin Curtis currently occupies the flex spot in Champ's lineup. He's a trendy sleeper pick on the Eagles, but it's generally hit-or-miss to have a WR in the flex spot. It's a little nitpicky, but I couldn't find anything else to gripe about.

Outlook: Champ has to be pleased to be ranked this high, but he probably should have been ranked even higher; talent-wise, he's the second-best team in the league. Everyone should be terrified to play this team.

4. Taste the Happy (3.3)
Summary: There's definite talent here. Steven Jackson seems to be the consensus top-ranked, non-LT back in the league, and Laurence Maroney is poised to have a big season now that he's got Bill Belichick's balls all to himself. The team has two very good WRs and Daryl Ward's skinnier, faster, older brother holding down the third WR spot.

A QB platoon of Philip Rivers and Jon Kitna should be well-used each week, depending on matchups. This is, of course, unless Eli makes the wrong decision about who should start. Which is a foregone conclusion.

However: These "howevers" are funnier if you picture them being said by Steven A. Smith. HOW-EV-UH!

Anyway, the however here is that Clinton Portis could fall anywhere between a 1,300 yard, 12 touchdown stud and an injured back who only gains 400 yards all season. His success, or lack of, is the real key to the Taste the Happy's season.

Outlook: An 8-2 start, followed by six straight losses to end the season.

5. The Hulkamaniacs (4.8 average ranking)
Summary: This is an intriguing team, thanks to a series of wheelings and dealings before the draft. Brandon Jacobs has run an interesting career gamut so far: He's been a touchdown vulture hated by Tiki Barber owners, in Tom Coughlin's doghouse for fumbling problems, a wet-your-pants stud for about six weeks last year, somehow forgotten over the offseason and subsequently underrated for this year. He could very well be a top-10 running back because he'll get so many goal-line chances.

Conversely, Maurice Jones-Drew is probably overrated at the moment. He's a great running back, but it seems unlikely that he'll get 15 touchdowns again if he's splitting time. Of course, if Fred Taylor gets hurt, Jones-Drew becomes one of the better backs in fantasy football.

Drew has done a nice job assembling some wide receiver talent, and has a little depth to play with. DeAngelo Williams could prove to be a big-time runner by the end of the year, but John Fox seems to love DeShaun Foster, for whatever reason.

However: This team lacks the star power of some of the teams above it. There's quite a few good players here, but there doesn't seem to be the type of player who can be counted on to produce a lot of points week in and week out. I wouldn't count Drew out though, as he could possibly package several solid players to acquire one star -- if he so chooses.

Outlook: Drew will have enough talent to stay in it most weeks, but he may not have the firepower to score the high numbers. He surprisingly passed on Drew Brees twice in the draft, and it'll be interesting to see if that hurts him this year. Could sneak into the playoffs, but he'll have some tough competition if he hopes to get there.

6. What's New Pussycat? (5.5 Average Ranking)
Summary: What's new, pussycat? Well, not much, apparently. Baron retains nearly the exact same team he had in 2006, plus Donald Driver. I guess that's an upgrade.

Carson Palmer heads the list of what there is to like about Baron's fat guys. A full year removed from his knee surgery, Palmer will still be the big, slow, immobile quarterback he's always been. But Cincy's line has (allegedly) improved and Palmer should have plenty of time to throw the ball to Chad Johnson and T.J. H. That's going to mean big numbers, and it's going to be good for Baron.

Brian Westbrook is stud 1A for the team. With his receptions, he's a top-5 running back in our league.

However: There's no major however with Baron. He's probably ranked a little low in this poll. But, while we're here, his running back group is pretty uninspiring behind Westbrook. In a league that rewards running backs so heavily, this could suppress Baron's point totals a little bit.

Outlook: Palmer and Westbrook are going to lead this team wherever it goes, whether that's third place or eighth place. With a little luck from the running backs, this team has a good shot at making its first-ever playoffs.

7. Who Is Ron Mexico? (6.0 Average Ranking)
Summary: Tony Romo. After keeping Vince Young over Carrie Underwood's boyfriend, Tomke is going to start Carrie Underwood's boyfriend in Week 1. Carrie Underwood's boyfriend came at a great discount in the draft, and should be a solid quarterback all year. Vince Young is probably the most overrated player in the NFL. Moving on.

Reggie Bush is great, especially in this league. If Deuce McAllister's knee explodes again (he's coming off surgery for the second straight season), we all know what Bush can do. Ronnie Brown is fat and overweight and having his job security threatened by a grown man named Jesse, but still talented. Tomke's receiver core of Housh/Colston/R. Moss is near tops in the league.

Oh yes, Antonio Gates gives Tomke an advantage every week at the TE spot.

However: After Bush and Brown, the running backs go to hell. Chris Brown was named the starter in Tennessee recently, but that will be a mess all year. DeShaun Foster is much the same way.

Outlook: Tomke's team is much like the middle third of teams in the league -- a few nice talents and a few flaws. Even still, he's probably a year away from seriously threatening for the playoffs.

8. Which Bear Is Best? (6.2 Average Ranking)
Summary: JR wants me to remind everyone that he's made the playoffs three straight years and finished second last year. And here he is, ranking eighth in the poll.

Ouch.

As you look at his team on his Yahoo page, it starts off with Marc Bulger, Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne. Very impressive, you say. But then you start poring down the page and things become less impressive. Isaac Bruce ... old. Edgerrin James ... 3.2 yards a carry for most of last year. Fred Taylor ... probably gay. Warrick Dunn ... barely alive.

To be fair, Travis Henry is in there and should have a good season in Denver.

However: Read above. There are some old, declining bitches on this team.

Outlook: Mostly cloudy, with a chance of JR wearing pants. And probably a sixth-place finish, unless some changes are made.

9. Spider Pig (8.3 Average Ranking)
Summary: Stem brought with him an uninspiring keeper crew that included a player who won't play until Week 7 at the earliest. Tom Brady will be good, but probably not as good as everyone thinks he will be. Larry Fitzgerald is good, but Arizona won't throw as much now that Dennis Green's crazy rantings are gone.

However: LaMont Jordan plays for Oakland. Calvin Johnson probably went too early. Chris Chambers is overrated and lists "Dropping footballs" first on his Facebook interests. Adrian Peterson is splitting time to begin the year. Benjamin Watson? Shaun Alexander's body is breaking down.

Outlook: There's some hope to find the middle of the pack, but the talent is pretty thin here. Stem would be well-served to trade off some of his solid parts and try to build around Fitzgerald and Peterson for the next several years. Probably won't happen though.

10. Slick (8.7 Average Ranking)
Summary: Boy, Slick was left with a tough situation. Welcome to the VUFSA. Here's a bunch of mediocre players. Try to win. Oh, by the way, you don't have a first-round choice in your first draft, either. But hey, Jamal Lewis once rushed for 2,000 yards. And Bernard Berrian is one of Chicago's best-dressed athletes!

Go get 'em.

However: This could run a phone book. Slick didn't keep Donovan McNabb, sending the message he wanted to build with younger players like Matt Leinart. He backed that up by drafting guys like Reuben Droughs, Dominic Rhodes and Deion Branch. There was some young, upside-like talent available that Slick passed on. One of his most promising young players is Jay Cutler, who plays the same position as Leinart.

Outlook: I'll set the over/under at two wins. One of them will probably be against me.