Power Index 10.15

Nice Hat, Dave

1. Stanton for Heisman (4-2, PI: 80)

A staggering index this far into the season for David. Should, for all intents and purposes be 6-0, with a low score of 105 so far. Only two losses have been against only two opponents who have hit triple digits.

2. Unending Hyperbole (3-3, PI: 70)

Last week's performance was a tremendous deviation from the excellent path that Baron had been on. He can't really afford to have slip ups like that, with opponents averaging 114.75 points in games against him. Plays the four lowest scoring teams in the league the next four games.

3. Tom Waddle (6-0, PI: 69)

Has been on a nice roll the last four weeks- averaging 120 points per game. Is the last remaining undefeated partly because of that roll, but more credit goes to an opponent's per game average of 85.33 points, the weakest total in the VUFSA.

4. ChamPeons (5-1, PI: 63)

Mostly steady all year long, has brought in reinforcements to finish up a tough stretch and solidify status as a playoff favorite. Move looked great after Joseph Addai was to miss a couple weeks, but not as good when Willie Parker re-injured himself. Still, with Dominic Rhodes emerging off of the waiver wire, may have time to wait out Waiver Wire Willie.

5. G-Rock's Horse Roids (5-1, 59)

Keeping everything in perspective- this was an enormous win for Stem. Sits two games up on a playoff spot after handing Champ his first loss. Like Waddle, has benefited from light resistance- opponents average 89.25 points against him, 2nd lowest total in the league.

6. The Best Loser (2-4, PI: 46)

Record aside, Welty has had a great first six games of his VUFSA football career. This week was the first time he got to play an opponent who racked up less than 100 points. Unfortunately- seems like a longshot that he'll make a playoff appearance despite the strong showing(s). Sits two games back of 4th, but has tremendous tiebreaker hurdles to overcome, having to climb over both Baron and Dave, teams 1 and 2 in points.

7. Not Good (1-5, PI: 33)

It's only week six, and Eli's collected two 3rd rounders, the two best QBs of this decade, a preseason top-5 back and a preseason top-3 WR. His team's performance on the "field" may be subpar, but his performance in the marketplace is unparalelled.

8. CatastrophicOilSpill (1-5, PI: 30)

The first win did not come easily, as Viano almost got Thundered for the second straight week. I like the Brandon Jacobs addition, as he looks like an absolute beast this year. As long as the Giants use him right, and continue their ascent to the NFL's elite offenses, Jacobs may yet live up to his one-time VUFSA folk-hero status.

9. The 2002 Bengals (2-4, PI: 26)

The two game winning streak comes to a screeching halt with the low-score of the week. Still has not posted a point total in the top five of any individual week, the only team in the league with that distinction.

10. Phil Dawson's Dawgs (1-5, PI: 24)

Braylon Edwards is back, and Ryan Grant is slowly coming around. Still, this is a tremendous hole, and is averaging 29 points less per game than last season's career high.

Power Rankings 9.17

I'm bringing the power rankings back because I am a fan of not only blog activity, but of extremely easy posts. I've removed all judgment from the rankings, and am ordering on a strict mathematical algorithm. Teams get rated based on a Power Index (1-100), which is in no way complicated nor difficult to figure. It's also predicated on a larger sample size, so right now it's mostly a listing of teams in order of points scored. Whatever. It looks cool. Even if it doesn't- fuck you. I'm trying.

1. Unending Hyperbole (1-1) Power Index: 89

Bust through Week 2: Carson Palmer. There was a time when the Bengals ginger QB was untouchable and one of the premier players in the league. Now Baron can't give him away and he's about to get benched because he's playing the Giants.

2. Who is Ron Mexico (2-0) PI: 83

BTW2: Randy Moss? Yet to be seen, but Moss had a terrible first week with Matt Cassell, and has a history of quitting teams that can't get him the ball. Or so I've heard. This is probably premature, because he played the Jets this week, and they have a habit of making games look like Brandi Timmerman.

3. ChamPeons (2-0) PI: 72

BTW2: Todd Heap. Hurt by the unexpected bye week, leaving him at -2.50 through two games. With John Carlson the other option, Heap needs to not be shitty.

4. Brush Limbaugh (1-1) PI: 67

BTW2: Chad Johnson. Chad's struggled through slumps before, but usually because of attention going to other offensive players. His team is miserable and he's probably legally insane. His elite days could be over.

5. G-Rock's Horse Roids (2-0) PI: 61

BTW2: Joey Galloway. The 4th round pick seemed a decent value, but his age combined with the involvement of Brian Griese means don't expect much more from here.

6. Tom Waddle (2-0) PI: 39

BTW2: Santonio Holmes. 1st Rounder and supposed new go-to guy in Pittsburgh has less than five points per week while other Steelers pile up big numbers.

7. The Sports Hernias (0-2) PI: 39

BTW2: Larry Johnson. 9.50 points total and complete disarray in his own locker room. Still a bust, even it it's not all that suprising.

8. ChesneysFirmButtocks (0-2) PI: 39

BTW2: Patrick Crayton. 3rd Rounder doesn't really get in on the action when the Dallas offense puts up big numbers.

9. Hurricane Zambrano (0-2) PI: 11

BTW2: Marvin Harrison. 1st Rounder had average targets in week 1, but lost a fumble, then couldn't get open at all on Sunday.

10. Phil Dawson's Dawgs (0-2) PI: 0

BTW2: Braylon Edwards. As many dropped passes as catches.

Christmas with the C3POs

By DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

O holy night and shit! The stars be shining sparkly, hallelujas and all that jazz and it's Christmas time! Who's ready for presents? Dog, I better hope this year's festival of navidady is better than last year, when my dipshit brother D-Unit Reptilion C3P0 spoiled everything by eating all the fruit cake and then farting while we was saying grace. Shit dog, you don't mess with grace.

Also, I will not be purchasing any gifts for any of my lovelies this time around, as I did for the fine Virginia Sanchez last holiday. Yo, she was trying to get her certification to be a nurse and shit so I got her a nurse's outfit. Dog, it's hard for a dude to buy a chick nice clothing, it ain't my fault that I got it a size or two too small.

1. Madd Skillz. Baby Jesus has given Ed Schillinger two thumbs up, cuz this donkey is 12-1 and just waiting for the paperwork to be filed so he can run to the nearest pawn shop and get himself another plaque tag. Dog, DO NOT get your plaque shit from Sandra Washington at Trophys, Inc. on Third Street – she looks fine and all and she's as easy as pancakes on wheat, but she was a dude up until the mid-1990s. I have proof.

2. The Nihilist Marmot. Someone give that little bitch an asterisk! With his clinching all but automatic, the Ethos-Absent Rodent picked up a win over his probable first round playoff opponent, the Poo, and the Poo is falling apart, folks. Happens when you flush, that's just a dirty fact of life. So for now, the tentative edge goes to Marmot. Get that shit? Edge. Like Edgerrin James. Good looking man. Better looking than when he played on the Partyboat.

3. Naj Davenport’s Poop. He's still gonna be the second seed and he's still probably gonna have at least Hines Ward for the playoffs, and he's still eminently do-able. But there are other cats (Chris Henry, Willis McGahee, Greg Jennings) who have been nursing injuries or closely resemble Asian women. And having Morris on his team is tempting fate and shit, similar to when I told a reasonably attractive woman tending airport security that I had thirty guns in my briefcase. I was hoping for a strip search, and folks, I got one. It's not even one-eighth as kinky as it sounds.

4. Tice’s Partyboat. The whiny little slut needs a win and Champ Whitlock to lose in the final week of the season, and he'll get into the playoffs despite an 0-3 start to the season. LL Cool J calls that a comeback, and encourages us to do it and do it and do it well. Champ gets Skillz, endorsed by Baby Jesus, and Tice gets that diseased Mexican in his last battle of the season, so advantage, Float of Fornication. Shit, bringing Ron Mexico and Tice's Partyboat together can only mean one thing: uninhibited burning desire. Feel the burn, hussies.

5. ChamPeons. All the babyfaced badass had to do was defeat the minister of inactivity, Andrew Stem, but somewhere between expired trade offers, inactive players starting and the occasional crucial update on college football, Stem's team came to play. Take that, haters. Bad news for Champ, who now has an uphill task back to the playoffs. Cheer for Mexicans to storm across the border! Shit, that was political satire right there.

6. Fresh Legs. Technically, the fat one has a chance, just like technically I have a chance to get freaky with Halle Berry in the hallway next to the elevator outside my apartment. He needs to win, outscore Champ by 21 points, and have both Champ and Drew lose. Disappointment will ensue, my babes in toyland. But it's Christmas! And I'm frisky.

Others of disinterest:
7. The Slumpbusters. Dog should change his name to "The Slump" now that he's lost four straight.
8. Who is Ron Mexico? When he's not getting his manlove on with Tony Romo, he's busy stockpiling keeper running backs.
9. Cellar Dwellars. (this space intentionally without comment)
10. Father Abraham. I will send you some Christmas cookies, my good man.

Power Ranklings

By Eli
Bitter Fantasy Football Loser

1. Madd Skillz: Honest to God, this is the best fantasy football team anywhere in America. I have a hard time believing that any other team, in any other league, is this good. And what's most impressive about this is, looking back, Ed Schillinger had a pretty terrible draft. His first six picks were: the fifth-best tight end in the league, Kevan Barlow, an injured Matt Hasselback, TJ Duckett, Drew Bledsoe and Brandon Lloyd. He had some nice picks with Brandon Jacobs and Philip Rivers, but I think it just goes to show how dominating his group of keepers is. What a bitch.

2. ChamPeons: That's right. Champ is the No. 2. Joseph Addai and Laurence Maroney are tearing it up -- and Champ may now possess the strongest group of WRs in the league. And best of all for Champ, none of his key players are going to take a seat during the playoffs. That quarterback situation is a little disconcerting, as is Iowa's lackluster 2-3 start in basketball.

3. Naj Davenport's Poop: Andy Viano's team is very banged up, now only has one starting running back, and is a few weeks away from its annual ritual of watching Peyton Manning sit down and not give them any fantasy points during the most important time of the year. They drop.

4. The Nihilist Marmot: I'm still at a loss as to how this team name isn't just redundant. Do most marmots have beliefs and ideologies? Would a nihilist marmot actually be some sort of anomaly? I didn't realize that they were generally a bunch of self-aware motherfucking mammals. Anyway, this team is pretty good, despite its stinker of a week. Madd Skillz has to be a little nervous about a Week 14 matchup in which both Indy receivers get to tee off against the Cincy secondary. That is, if they're still on the field.

5. Tice's Partyboat: Still in it, because the players on his team love to score touchdowns. Not bad for a guy who gave up eight weeks ago.

6. Fresh Legs: Yes, you are allowed to be bitter, Baron. Your team should be on the fringe of the playoffs, but instead is out of the race. The good news is that you can look forward to next year, when Carson Palmer will be fully healthy and should throw for 5,000 yards. The bad news is that you probably won't be able to have lunch with him.

7. Who is Ron Mexico?: If the VUFSA gave out a Most Improved Player award, we'd probably give it to someone else besides Tomke. Just because.

8. The Slumpbusters: AR-LEN HAR-RIS! clap clap clapclapclap.

9. Father Abraham: He owns Chris Bosh, and that's something of which we are very envious.

10. Cellar Dwellers: Last league activity: Mon Nov 20 9:46am CST

Power Rankings, from the Players

By Chad Johnson


1. Madd Skillz.I am Ocho Cinco. Ocho plus Cinco equals Thirteenco. And I am the best player on this damn team. Except for about five other dudes. If this fucker doesn't keep me, I'm going to burn him. Check out my new dance. (Radcliffe shimmy ensues). Yeah, that shit was tight.


By Ronnie Brown


2. Naj Davenport's Poop. Look, all I know is the ball got fucking slippery on my way to the end zone. I'm sorry, okay? But if fucking ESPN is going to talk about Michigan and Ohio State without so much as MENTIONING the Iron Bowl, then I'm going to start protesting in my own subtle way. At least I haven't been protesting all season, like Cadillac Williams has.


By Marc Bulger


3. The Nihilist Marmot. Man oh man, nothing against my boy Torry Holt, but I'm going to like these new receivers I get to work with the rest of the year. I just hope that bastard Tony Dungy doesn't take two of them away from me. Tough break against that Steinbrenner guy last week, but the playoffs await, folks.


By Lee Evans


4. ChampPeons. Whup, just caught another ball for 50 yards and a touchdown. Also, did anyone notice how solid we've been all year? We may not have all studs, like me, but we can hang with the big boys, kids. Also, On Wisconsin.


By Brandon Fucking Jacobs


5. Tice's Partyboat. I will kill you for looking at me. I will kill you for thinking about the Jackonville Jaguars. I will kill you because I am not featured prominently enough in the VUFSA banner. I will kill you, just because.


By Antonio Bryant


6. The Slumpbusters. Sometimes you just have to undwind, and the best way to do that is with a couple cans of your favorite brew and a nice 100-mph stroll down the boulevard. After a bad, bad week in which everyone on Eli Gieryna's team was loaded, a couple shots of Jager, a box of wine and some Shasta later, the Slumpusters have two fewer players and a whole notta lotta chance to barely miss the playoffs this year. I'd feel bad for him. But I'm under arrest.


By Thomas Jones


7. Fresh Legs. There are certain things you don't hear anymore. One is that Cedric Benson is knocking on my fucking door. One is that the Bears are anything less than the only good team in the NFC. And one is that hippy Mexico chirping about teams he may or may not beat during the course of the season. His checklist has gone mostly unfulfilled, you might notice.


By Tony Romo


8. Who is Ron Mexico?You all doubted me, even though I am a Wisconsin native. You doubted me, even though my sheer awesomeness has penetrated (hehe, pentrated) the fabric of space and time. You doubted me even though I won the WALTER PAYTON AWARD for best player in the COUNTRY. In division 1-AA. Now I'm a surefire keeper, similar to Brandon Lloyd last year.


By Kevin Jones


9. Cellar Dwellars How much you all wanna bet that I'll be in the lineup next week, even though I've already been ruled out for Thursday?



By Donovan McNabb


10. Father Abraham. Dude, I'm really, really sorry, but how am I supposed to fit in on this team if I'm not hurt? They all call me a Mama's Boy as it is. Now at least we have something in common. You're probably still better than Stem's team, but you just got eliminated from the playoffs.

Football at the Manor

By Harvey McGuffin
I remember when ...
When I was a young whippersnapper in Wilkes-Barre, PA, we didn't have no nutty buddies. Hell, we didn't even have those ball-blocker thingies at all. We took our shots to the groin like men. If someone hit a one-hopper up the middle, with a mighty unfortunate upswing off a pebble or some damn thing, that was your problem. Hell, sometimes it ain't so bad that you can't get a girl pregnant anymore. Not that it would have stopped me.

But enough about my balls. Let's talk about yours.

1. Madd Skillz. I remember when Ed Schillinger's team scored fewer than 146 points. It was six goddamned weeks ago, and that was only because his entire harem was taking a nap. There was a time when Video Game Schillinger boasted about how proud he was of his triumphs, his statistics and his extremely large cock, and two out of three in reality ain't bad. That's what Meat Loaf said. With Jim Steinam on the damn piano. Nobody respects Jim Steinam. It's a damn mockery.

2. Naj Davenport's Poop. Consistency killed the cat is what they say, and Andy Viano probably has a slain Cheshire, knife still sticking through its pretty little skull, sitting on his front porch. I put it there, assholes. He is pretty damn consistent though, given that he's scored between 112-126 seven of the 12 weeks, with two outliers on the bad side and one on the good. That's hippie math, but it means the bastard is good. And getting closer and closer to a lock for No. 2 seed, with a damn important meeting against The Nihilist Marmot in three weeks.

3. The Nihilist Marmot. There was a time when people didn't worry about playing Andrew Stem's Cellar Dwellars...bastard hasn't even gotten to 100 the last six weeks and hit only 90 in two of them. But there was the little Michigan squirt, with his Julius Peppers Monday night bullshit, trying to make it happen. Good thing for the Marmot it wasn't quite enough. The Marmot sucks. He reminds me of my wife. Just when you think she's finally going to keel over and die, she comes back with a vengeance and starts yapping about the thermostat. Bitch. I really have to buy more arsenic.

4. The Slumpbusters. This is getting redundant and I haven't even had my milkshake yet. Same song and dance, Skillz, Poop, Marmot, Slumpbusters...only this time, Eli Gieryna gets one of those down-bullet things that go next to that hippy hop shit when it's not hip with the damn kids anymore. The blonde bombshell (I swear to God, if you repeat that to anyone, I'll cut you in the nutter buster) is still 100-some points better than either of the other 5-5 teams, but he better stop giving the business about Tony Romo. The Curse of Tony Romo can be a pain in the ass. It's like the Curse of the Hemorrhoids, only without the burn. Or is it? Clinton Portis?

You know what? Everyone else sucks. I remember when there was no such thing as power rankings, there were just teams who tolerated the shit of other teams and the teams that didn't. Do you think Ditka gave a flying rat's ass where his team stood on the power rankings? The version of Ditka before becoming a pot smoker's wife?

5. Who Is Ron Mexico? Let's get saucy for a minute and shake things up by pointing out that the long-hairy one has won three of four and has a bullshit cheater on his team. I like that. Shows balls. He's on the up and up.

6. Tice's Partyboat. Even with the loss this week, Tice's Fleet of Fornicators has also won three of four and just found Ladell Betts to be quite the little steal. I remember when Clinton Portis was the talk of the damn league. Now, Ladell Betts is the new Larry Johnson.

7. ChamPeons. I remember when Eddie Kennison was good. I was eight. The fact that Champ still threatens to trot him out there tells me he's not going anywhere. Two losses in a row ain't so sweet.

8. Fresh Legs. I'm such an ass. Points wise, this guy is the fifth best team in the league, and here I have in fifth. Sue my black ass. Plus, he got a win this week, reaching 100 points for the fourth time in five weeks, but it was a barely-escape against Father Abraham. Mainly, I just hate fat people.

9. Father Abraham. My my, that spunky Rachel Ray has a nice set of boobs, doesn't she? I don't normally watch this cooking shit, but she can light this man's front burner anytime she wants. And bring to a boil. I crack myself up with these cooking metaphors. Father Abraham has lost five in a row.

10. Cellar Dwellars. Even worse than the Curse of Tony Romo is the Curse of Madden. It should expire soon, but too damn late. See you in hell.