Week 3: Choice of a new generation

Down To The Wire Thunder
GWAR!! 106, Honey&Vinegar Realty 104.25

GWAR!!: Tashard Choice (17) became the big waiver wire pickup of the week (and one of the bigger ones in recent memory), as he rumbled all over Arlington on Monday night, and his two-point conversion in the final moments of the fourth quarter provided the factor Welty needed to tip the scales. Tomke can thank an injured Felix Jones for making Choice the only choice in Dallas. Jay Cutler also had a nice day for Welty's real team (23.25), but the problem was the void from everyone else. The ragtag receiver crew of TJ Whosyomama, Mario Manningham and Johnny Knox look to have nothing more than boom-or-bust potential, and Chris Johnson (10) was only a shell of his awesome self from a week ago. Still, Welty is 2-1 after a thrilling finish.

Honey&Vinegar Realty: Dave Tomke got a huge day from one of the league's premier fantasy running backs, Maurice Jones-Drew (32). DeSean Jackson (16) obviously had a very nice rapport with Kevin Kolb, and the return of McNabb shouldn't restrict the big-play receiver's future use. But how pissed must Tomke be at 0-3 despite having the fourth-most points in the league. Ted Ginn Jr. (0) is a useless turd. It also seems like bitchy karma that Matthew Stafford (17.50) had a bigger day on the bench that Tomke's prince, Tony Romo (12.5).

Gold standard: With Felix Jones possibly hobbled going forward, Choice could figure in the Cowboys plans even if Marion Barber is back at full strength. He certainly didn't hurt his cause Monday. Willie Parker (17.5) also had a but of a resurgence on Welty's bench.

Silver Lining: At least the Lions won. Too bad Tomke running back Kevin Smith was hurt in the contest.

The Drew Bennett Bowl
Penguins From Hell 109.75, Ted Buckland Esq. 105.25

Penguins From Hell: JR may have caught lightning in a bottle with Cedric Benson (13.50), who continues to put up very solid numbers with the 2-1 (and should be 3-0) Bengals. Tom Brady (17.25) and Reggie Wayne (15.50) had pleasant weeks, but the real story was Saints running back Pierre Thomas (24.50). The hobbled bruiser didn't have a touch in the first half and then rumbled for 126 yards and two touchowns in the second half. The entire matchup swung on that performance.

Ted Buckland, Esq: Steve Smith was dead quiet Monday night, which kept Eli from getting the necessary 9.5 points for victory, even though he had DeMarcus Ware and Smith to JR's zero players in the final game of the week. Outside of Peyton Manning (34), it was a pretty pedestrian week for the hilariously snakebitten owner, though Steve Slaton (9.50) finally showed signs of relevance in the Houston offense.

Gold Standard: Radcliffe is 2-1 but has some fortune to his credit, with the Monday night stinker by Smith and the Carolina Panthers seriously helping his cause. Also, the emergence of Thomas might convince the Saints to settle on him as their primary back once and for all, which would greatly aid Radcliffe's pitiful running back situation.

Silver Lining: Slaton needs to finally break out already, and he's on his way. Also, Derrick Ward may have finally reached that "simply too shitty to play anymore" role, with Joseph Addai playing well from the bench.

Winning Ugly is Still Winning
ChamPeons 96, Jared Allen Forever 89.75

ChamPeons: It's a pretty good team if two flashy fantasy studs like Drew Brees (4) and Terrell Owens (0) do virtually nothing, and a team still wins. An ultra-steady team of Devin Hester, Steve Smith (Giants), Matt Forte, LeSean McCoy, and Dallas Clark all finished between 11.5 and 14.5 points. DeAngelo Williams (7) wasn't especially helpful on Monday night, but Champ had the ingredients for a victory nonetheless.

Jared Allen Forever: It was not a good week for Baron, as Frank Gore (0) not only matched TO's shutout but also went down for a couple weeks. Now Brendel must decide whether or not to bid on Glen Coffee -- and how much? Lee Evans (3) wasn't much better than Owens, and Chad Ochocinco (4.50) was crummy even though Carson Palmer logged 16 points.

Gold Standard: McCoy is now suddenly part of a running back rotation in Philadelphia, which adds another option to the arsenal for the 3-0 Whitlock franchise. But who to start in a given week -- Westbrook or McCoy? Maybe neither -- Julius Jones also broke out on Whitlock's bench.

Silver Lining: We get to see the bidding system in full effect this week, with Coffee sure to be in high demand, but far more meaningful to Brendel's team. Mark Sanchez might wind up having trade value, and Kevin Walter is back (which helps with Felix Jones also incurring an injury).

What the hell is wrong with Ed?
Stafford Infection, 99.75 Curtis Conway 75.0

Stafford Infection: It really started and ended this week with Aaron Rodgers (29.25), who also had a pretty good performance (but not the one most people notice) heading into FavreBowl. Calvin Johnson (4), Larry Fitzgerald (7) and Adrian Peterson (9) (it always pains me to know he has such an embarrassment of riches) underperformed, but it was a week when Stem could afford it. Useless weeks from Antonio Bryant (0.5) and Beanie Wells (0) were likewise absorbed.

Curtis Conway: Ed's behemoth football team has gone from horrible to awesome and back to horrible, and this week the 75-point output comes with the consternation of lineup decisions. Sexy waiver-wire pickup Mike Sims-Walker (4 points) was one of the flex choices ahead of Knowshon Moreno (15.0), or Ricky Williams (14). His receiver triumvirate really let him down, with Andre Johnson, Roddy White and LoveYourAnus Coles combining for 13 points.

Gold standard: The Lions won, leaving Andrew Stem in a constant state of euphoria this weekend. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he probably got laid.

Silver lining: For Ed, LDT figures to return very soon, and Moreno's first career touchdown gives the notorious king of running backs just one more weapon.

Finally, Someone Beats Viano
Doc Brown's DeLorean 105.25, Monkey Assassinations 95.25

Doc Brown's DeLorean: Drew Wolf may never hit 110 points, but hit output was good enough to sneak past a feeble yet undefeated Viano team. Wolf's faith in Santana Moss (19) after two pretty bad weeks paid dividends, and Eli Manning (18.5) had a quality game in a shutout perforamnce. Reggie Bush and Greg Jennings continued slow starts to the season, but it didn't matter this week.

Monkey Assassinations: Viano actually had a pretty consistent week, getting solid outings from Kurt Warner (13.5 -- solid in a game when his team only scored 10 points), Brandon Jacobs (15), a resurgent Greg Olsen (10.5) and Pierre Garcon (12), who may never leave the starting lineup after a mini-breakout on Sunday night. Braylon Edwards (2.5) might be a lost cause.

Gold Standard: Wolf will get quite a bit better in the coming weeks, when Donovan McNabb returns from injury and Marshawn Lynch becomes active after a drug suspension. Not that Fred Jackson (10) has struggled in Lynch's stead, or Manning is a bad call

Silver Lining: The arrival of Garcon out of somewhat thin air is very promising, especially for an owner otherwise relying on injury cases (Dwayne Bowe, Lance Moore), a failed Braylon Edwards and a strangely-named Chansi Stuckey.

STANDINGS, FUCKERS
ChamPeons 3-0
Stafford Infection 2-1
GWAR!! 2-1
Penguins From Hell 2-1
MonkeyAssasinations 2-1
Jared Allen Forever 1-2
Ted Buckland, Esq. 1-2
Doc Brown's DeLorean 1-2
Curtis Conway 1-2
Honey&Vinegar Realty 0-3