Week 6 Preview

Sorry this one is so late, guys. I had an exam this week and I've been working a lot. Good news, though, #1-ranked Grand Valley State University just tied a Div. II record with its 34th consecutive win in football. Also, the women's soccer team is still #1 in the nation with three games left in the regular season. Volleyball is eighth in the nation, too, and just beat the 10th-ranked team in five games. Onto the previews...

GAME OF THE WEEK
The Hulkamaniacs (5-0) at Madd Skillz (2-3)

I like Drew's smack talk here, implying that Edwin could, in fact, be penetrating Michael Vick as we speak. Is he? Maybe. But, it will be tough for Drew to take advantage of that fact, since he's missing Marshawn Lynch, who's on a bye. I could see Donovan McNabb and Matt Hasselbeck doing interracial gay porn together. I'm not sure why, but there it is. Also, I wonder if Hasselbeck's wife is hot, because I would totally do Tim Hasselbeck's wife, the one on The View. Fantasy-wise, I'm not a huge fan of either of these quarterbacks. Whole lot of talent at receiver in this one, as Steve Smith and Chad Johnson will look to top Anus Coles, Braylon Edwards and Marques "I wish I was a tight end" Colston. Ronald Curry isn't really in the same level as the other five. I would give the edge to Ed here if 87-year old Vinnie Testaverde didn't just get signed by Carolina, but he did, so.. Go Drew! I regret trading Ronnie Brown. I guess that is a lesson that I have to learn though: Fat people have value in this world, after all. Who knew? Speaking of fat, Ron Dayne! DeShawn Wynn is a huge cocktease, making people think that he might be good, but then sucking and probably laughing at them. Fuck you, DeShawn Wynn. Tomlinson and Brown are good, but Wynn isn't a definite starter, and Ahman Green is back in Houston. Brandon Jacobs recovered from his strained vagina, which will help Drew go without Lynch. Brian Leonard has been good covering for Steven Jackson, too. DeAngelo Williams has failed to outperform DeShaun Foster through a season and change, which does not bode well. Why can't they just be Angelo Williams and Shaun Foster? Good question. Two white tight ends! Tony Romo loves throwing to Jason Witten and the Buffalo Bills. Steve McNair can't throw to his receivers because they're more than five yards away, so Todd Heap will get some catches. Wes Welker benefits from Tom Brady's sexy charisma. Drew should probably start a kicker.

Prediction: If Drew picks up and starts a kicker, I'm going with him, but if not, then Ed. Despite the fact that he is all up in Ron Mexico.


ON DECK
Eli is a Jerk (2-3) at Thom is a Man-Whore (5-0)

Jon Kitna, Kevin Jones and Calvin Johnson will all watch this one from the sidelines, along with Travis Henry, who will be smoking up as much pot as he can. Kitna, meanwhile, will be leading Bibnle Study classes for the many Lions who apparently love Jesus now. With Jones and Johnson on bye and Lamont Jordan hurt, Stem is forced to use Michael Jenkins in the flexxx spot, which does not bode well for his unblemished record. He'll get some help at the quarterback position, where Tom Brady's rugged hansomeness should outscored Vince Young. Torry Holt could be the only good player on the Rams, T.J. Houshmanzadeh is just about as consistent as they come, and Bobby Engram does not, as far as I know, have ebola, which is a plus. On the other side, Larry Fitzgerald is very good, although the guy now coaching his college team is retarded. Some dude named Cleo Lemon is throwing to Chris Chambers, which sucks. Jerricho Cotchery also suffers from ass-licking quarterback syndrome. Even though Mike Sellers scored twice on the vaunted Detroit Lions defense last week, I'm not so sure that he's a good start for Stem this week. I like Shaun Alexander and Adrian Peterson more than I like Larry Johnson and Julius Jones, but if Rudi Johnson plays, he's a lot better than Sellers. Good tight end matchup here, since Watson plays with Sexy McBeardsley and Kellen Winslow is a god damned soldier. The Gun has covered his bases with the Bengals, starting Kenny Watson at the flexxx spot, and even if he doesn't play, Jenkins still blows.

Prediction:
Why pick against Stem when he doesn't seem to lose? Also, because we both share the feelings that we hope A-Rod comes to Detroit, even though we know he probably won't.


THE DALE EARNHARDT MEMORIAL GAME
Who Wants to Sex Mbaye? (2-3) at Which Bear is Best? (2-3)

Viano's entire team is on a bye week, so that could hurt him. Seriously, though, he has seven fucking guys on a bye this week. Here they are: Peyton Manning, Darrell Jackson, Willie Parker, Dallas Clark, Javon Walker, Najeh Davenport (AWESOME) and Anthony Gonzalez. J.R. is missing all his starting receivers (Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne and Lee Evans), so this matchup could be a lot lower scoring than it would be any other week. Brett Favre and Matt Schaub were both drafted by the Falcons before being traded away. There are no receivers of note in this matchup, other than Patrick Crayton, and he's only being mentioned because of his quarterback. J.R. has a huge edge at running back this week, especially if Brian Westbrook plays, eliminating any contributions from Correll Fuckhalter. Cedric Benson runs like a woman. Willis McGahee never has a "bad" day. Meanwhile, Edgerrin James and Clinton Portis are very good, and Bill Belichick has decided that Sammy Morris has a much larger penis than Laurence Maroney, or at least one that is more suited to his running style. Desmond Clark plays for the Bears, and the only Bear non-defender that has any real value is Devin Hester. I've also given up on Jerious Norschlong, because he hasn't done fucking anything. J.R. went out on a limb and traded away a draft pick to get Thomas Jones, who should put him over the edge in this matchup.

Prediction:
Since the receivers in this matchup are god awful, I have to go with the team that has better running backs: J.R.


BATTING CLEANUP
Champeons (2-3) at Romo's 18-Inch Dong (4-1_

Romo is going to have to overcome adversity this week, going without the Furrburger, who is an integral part of this team. Champ meanwhile, gets lucky, only missing Roy Williams, Joseph Addai, and Kenton Keith. Are you serious? Damon Huard gets his first (possibly ever, anywhere) fantasy start against the still-sucking Drew Brees. On the other side, Tony Romo is dominant even when he's awful, like he was on Monday. Big #1-receiver matchup, as Terrell Owens and Randy Moss go head-to-head in the game of the early year. Dwyane Bowe is an emerging bad ass in Kansas City, while Plaxico Burress stiff-armed the shit out of some dude in last week's game for a long touchdown. I'm a big stiff-arm fan. J.R.'s a big fan of anything stiff. BONER! Romo traded Leon Washington to bring in a strong WR3 in Donald Driver, who will go up against noted white receiver Kevin Curtis. Atlanta's running game has been bad without Ron Mexico (who is busy with Ed) this year, but Warrick Dunn is still solid. Justin Fargas could score some points if he runs like he did at the end of their last game. Champ took a gamble and traded Frank Gore and a high draft pick for Brian Westbrook. We'll see how that pays off. For Romo, Reggie Bush is the only guy in the RBs that will get the large majority of the carries. Foster splits carries and is generally mediocre, while Maurice Jones-Drew had a good week last week and will hopefully continue that trend. Antonio Gates is awesome, and Champ is really going to be dependent on the Kansas City passing attack, which is probably not a good strategy. If Jason Wright starts instead of Jamal Lewis, it should be a big mismatch at the flex spot between him and Derrick Mason.

Prediction:
Myself, but only because Champ has a lot of key byes. I'm fucking lucky. Also, my brother was at Mario Lopez's birthday party at a club in Chicago last night. True story.


THE FIVE HOLE
What's New Pussycat? (1-4) at Slick (1-4)

This matchup is going to be like watching two drunk frat guys getting really wasted and then experimenting clumsily in the dark.

Prediction:
Anal leakage.