Week 5 Preview

Get this shit. I just discovered this. Vincent Lecavalier (my favorite hockey player) and Tony Romo (my favorite football player) WERE BORN ON THE EXACT SAME DAY. April 21, 1980. It's a god damned national holiday. Clear your fucking schedules, party's at my place.

GAME OF THE WEEK
Who Wants to Sex Mbaye? (2-2) at Madd Skillz (1-3)

Andy Viano is the master of only having two defensemen playing until gameday. The only big bye this week for Ed is Chad Johnson (Donovan McNabb is too up and down and mostly down). Viano really doesn't have any to worry about. Both teams' quarterbacks are going against good defenses, with Ben Roethlisberger playing against Seattle and Peyton Manning taking on Tampa Bay. In this case, you have to favor Manning, who isn't challenged by anyone not named Romo, Brady or Kitna. Not a lot of good wide receivers in this matchup, with Ed's Steve Smith being far and away the best. Donte' Stallworth has done nothing all year and Andre Davis is a third-stringer moved up due to injuries. Viano started the JJJ lineup at wide receiver. While they all have the same last name, they also share the trait of not being that good. Jennings has benefited from Favre playing like it's ten years ago, while Darrell Jackson lost his starting quarterback and Vincent Jackson was only a decent WR3, in my opinion. Ed's running back situation, outside of Tomlinson, is best described as "tubby." But not bad. Tomlinson has been playing better lately, although he did cry like a little girl at his last press conference. I regret trading Ronnie Brow, and Ron Dayne once won the Heisman Trophy. One of my favorite fantasy teams of all time was at Valpo when Ed sucked bad and traded all his guys away for Heisman winners, and would only play guys if they had won the Heisman. Great team. I enjoyed it. I signed Willie Parker in Madden '06. He's only a 74. He's much better than that in real life, and should do well for Viano. McGahee goes against a better San Fran defense, and I'm convinced that Cedric Benson is a huge vagina. Plus he's going against a tough Green Bay defense. Dallas Clark is a white tight end that loves catching touchdowns. Jason Witten is a white tight end that plays with the best quarterback in the nation. Vernand Morency and Jerious Norcockandballs will combine for about two points. Robbie Gould plays for Chicago, and they're TWO GAMES BEHIND THE LIONS.

Prediction:
Ed, since Steve Smith and the running backs give him the advantage. Plus, Tony Romo will throw about eight touchdowns, so Witten will probably have to catch a few.

ON DECK
Taste the Happy (1-3) at Which Bear is Best (2-2)

Eli's horrible luck continues, while J.R.'s streak never fails. J.R. has all of his players ready to go, while Eli has Rudi Johnson, Kenny Watson and T.J. Houshmanzadeh are all on byes and Travis Henry loves toking up. But let's be honest, with Ricky Williams applying for reinstatement into the NFL, everyone knew that this was coming. They were probably celebrating his return from India, or wherever the hell he was. That's going to force either Marcell Shipp or Garret Wolfe into duty for The Gun. Ouch. Brett Favre is going against a tough, yet injured, Chicago defense, while Jon Kitna doesn't care which defense he's playing. The wide receivers are slightly in J.R.'s favor, but it could turn into a huge edge if Hines Ward's yeast infection sidelines him for the game. Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison are probably best described as consistently good, while Lee Evans is best described as a steaming pile of dog shit. I really hope James Jones' middle name is Earl. That'd be awesome. Travis Henry is a huge fan of Mary Jane. Larry Johnson and Julius Jones are going to have a hard time standing up against Edgerrin James, Clinton Portis (who plays against the dominant Lions) and Fred Taylor (who will score 45 points merely because I own Maurice Jones-Drew). Will anyone, let alone Kellen Winslow, score against the Patriots? Brandon Marshall is big, Antwaan Randel El is fast. KORDELL STEWART!

Prediction:
J.R. will pull of the upset, and Eli will join Travis Henry in a Chinese opium den.


THE DALE EARNHARDT MEMORIAL GAME
ChamPeons (1-3) at The Hulkamaniacs (4-0)

The 3-spot sucked as a name, whichever one of you made it up. Dale Earnhardt is way sweeter, and chances are, Champ will be featured in it each week. How is Drew Brees predicted to score more points than Matt Hasselbeck? I mean, it might happen, but at this point in the season, which one would you put your money on? A whole lot of talent at receiver in this matchup. Drew starts Anus Coles, Braylon Edwards and newly-acquired Marques Colston, who's loss of tight-end eligibility made him less attractive to me. Sexually. Meanwhile, Champ has the two best receivers in the league after the catch, Roy Williams and Terrell Owens. Plus, they both have good quarterbacks that love throwing them the ball. Dwayne Bowe has emerged as the only option in Kansas City, and doesn't spell his name wrong like fuckwad Dwyane Wade. I think Champ might have the edge, but it's fuckin' close. Wow, this could actually end up being the game of the week, talent-wise. I fucking hate Laurence Maroney and had to trade him after he cost me a 4-0 start to the season. I hope Maurice Jones-Drew doesn't blow dong. Marshawn Lynch has been solid all season long, but will Brandon Jacobs step up? He was injured early on, and it's possible that he could go down again at any time. Frank Gore and Joseph Addai are both great fantasy running backs, but Warrick Dunn and the whole Falcons team, including Jerious Norwang are sucking balls. They're not as good as Joey Ballgame. Fuck tight ends?

Prediction:
Drew will go to 5-0, although it will be in a high-scoring affair in both ends. I just can't go with Drew Brees right now.

BATTING CLEANUP
Slick (1-3) at Thom is a Man-Whore (4-0)

No matter what I see in the matchup when I look, I'm going with Stem because of his new usage of the smack talk. "Cock. Balls. Wang." is classic. Nice work, Stem. Stem still fields a strong lineup, despite missing LaMont Jordan and Adrian Peterson due to bye weeks. Tom Brady is much better than Jay Cutler. But for some reason, I always get Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers confused. Slick's staunch support of Anquan Boldin continues, but my guess is Larry Fitzgerald will outperform him, since Boldin isn't supposed to play. A bold strategy. Deion Branch is the best receiver in the matchup outside of the Cardinals, but Stem's two are better as a whole. Slick's running backs have been pleasant surprises, and I'm an asshole who decided to give him Earnest Graham for nothing. Greg Jones? Who the fuck is Greg Jones? Kevin Jones will take over for Tatum Bell (who, by the way, show his ass on Sunday because his pants were ripped), and Shaun Alexander is still good. Marion barber is a fucking stud and Jamal Lewis has been doing well. Graham will have a chance to get a lot of carries. Calvin Johnson, if he plays, is a much better option than Bernard Berrian because Sex Cannon/Brian Griese is not his quarterback.

Prediction:
If Slick didn't start Boldin and had a better QB, I'd pick him, but I'm going with Stem.


THE FIVE HOLE
What's New Pussycat? (1-3) at Romo's 18-Inch Dong (3-1)

Romo is without Chester Taylor because of a bye and Poop McAllister all year long. Baron is in a tough spot because his two best players are on bye weeks (Carson Palmer and Brian Westbrook). Michael Pittman could be huge for Baron, depending on if he gets Carnell's carries instead of Graham. Tony Romo and Jason Campbell are incomparable. Romo is about 100x better. Randy Moss and Plaxico Burress are the league leaders in touchdowns, and they both start against Baron's waiver pickups: Shaun McDonald (good) and Roddy White (not good). Donald Driver is a good bottom-tier WR1, while Joey Galloway is hit-or-miss. Not a whole lot of top-level talent at RB. Reggie Bush is Romo's only full-time back, with DeShaun Foster starting, but not getting all the carries. Jones-Drew and Leon Washington both get carries, but don't start. Pittman may start, and Ahman Green has been hurt, and finally LenDale White splits carries. This could go the other way if one guy pulls a lot of carries. Antonio Gates is money at TE.

Prediction:
I might kill myself if I lose.