Not Baseball Recap 5.5

I started my new job today, and I won't have time to write a full recap. Here are the basics:

-JR gained a whopping 12.5 points and four places in the standings.
-Stem dropped a whopping 11.5 points and four places in the standings.
-Ed picked up nine points and was in first for a couple hours, the first non-Viano team to do so.
-Drew hit a tremendous 14 homers last week, 2/3rds of his total coming into the week (22)
-Champ stole an astounding 14 bases last week almost 2x the runner up (Baron with eight.)
-Andy fell six points as his ERA went up 0.56, costing him 2.5 standings points.
-Eli moved zero points, but extended his RBI lead with a league high 41.
-Baron saw a big drop in WHIP, 0.09 points and lost 4.5 in the standings there
-Dave is just pissed as shit.
-Slick's replacement nominee will go out this week for voting.

Ozzie Guillen
Baseball is fung

I fucking hate the VUFSA.

I see that shit at the top of the page, where everyone's all like, "this is fucking boring!" Well fuck you. Sure, we're the horseshit league that nobody cares about, that doesn't have all 10 owners poring over their fucking laptops every goddamn day. Fuck that. So what if I don't want to play Chris Paul for half the season -- does that mean I'm a social vagrant whose only role in life is to be butt-fucked by a bunch of fucking nerds who can't wait until the newest prospect comes up to the big leagues so they can use a waiver claim? Fuck that. I'm fucking Ozzie Guillen.

Do you know what I hate the most? Fucking Slick! I mean, at least give a flying fuck about what you're doing every day. Does he even get out of bed in the morning? Does he have a job, a girlfriend, hobbies or interests? Nobody fucking knows! Cuz the bastard doesn't even show up for months at a time. What the fuck is that? Is this one of those existentialist drama things, like Waiting For Godot? Of course Ozzie knows how to fucking read -- don't look at me like I don't.

Do you know who else can kiss my ass? Fucking Baron for never changing his goddamned team name. I can't decide which is more constant -- his damn team name or his position in the league standings every year, near the fucking basement. He's the fucking Tampa Bay Devil Rays! Oh, that's right, it's the Rays now. At least they change their fucking name once in a while!

And that Hank White shit was clever like four fucking years ago! You know what's in this year? Americanizing my fucking name. I'm Oswald Gordon. Aren't I fucking cute? Fuck Stem. And fuck the four goddamned moves he's made this year, tied with Baron for second-worst in the league. Do these fuckers even know that baseball started?

And then there's fucking Ed, the Grand Wizard of the whole thing. Except not any more, because his fragile fucking mind couldn't handle telling the other people in the league what stupid shits they were. So he fucking stepped down as comissioner or whatever, and fucking Drew just picked up that torch and ran with it, because fucking Drew doesn't know any better. If I was in charge of the fucking VUFSA, I would have fired everyone. At least there isn't a goddamn charter anymore. Like I said, Ozzie can read, but that shit blew my fucking mind all out of whack.

Fuck you!

Uncle Fucking Phil, welcome to the party. Glad you got unbusy for a fucking second or two, so your fucking best players didn't have to sit the pine for three weeks at a time. You're a dumbass, but at least you're ahead of fucking Eli and his fucking overconfident shit-fuck overconfidence. What a piece of shit. Thinks he fucking invented fantasy baseball.

And all you fuckers are Cubs fans. We get fucking shit on every fucking year because people love the fucking Cubs. You and you're fucking Fukudome and shitty-ass ballpark. I walked into Wrigley Field the other day and thought I was in the fucking men's room, and I was just looking for the right spot to take a dump. It would have been left field, but Alfonso Soriano already marked that territory by pissing himself all over the goddamned outfield grass.

At least I'm not piss-ass moaning about the fucking Milwaukee Brewers every time they lose some games. Who gives a shit about the Brewers anyway? They're like the fucking Royals, except with a fatter fuck playing first base. Call me when you're ready to eat your fucking cursed veggies at the big boy table.

Champ's cool, though.

Transaction Time Version 3.0

Because I know that all of you wait with great eagerness for each Thursday's Transaction Time (cannot get enough T alliteration), I must start with an apology. Last Wednesday afternoon, Minnesota had its first decent weather day in close to six years. I had the day off and frolicked about town, arms outstretched running through the prairie.

Little did I realize that some bad taco meat would bring storm clouds through my heavenly day. Food poisoning rendered me incapable of doing anything but squirming on my couch in intolerable pain. A lesser man would have succumbed and died, I instead powered up the computer to bring you, the VUFSA reader, a Transaction Time. As I sat up right, my body adversely reacted, causing even greater pain and suffering. Yes, it was worse than a Joe Borowski performance. I had to postpone writing and instead have two weeks' worth of material for this version.

1.) Izzy and Ichiro for Ibanez and Lee

JR had three closers but we all knew that Jon Rauch wouldn't be racking up saves for the Nationals much longer as Chad Cordero's return was imminent. As such, he needed a third closer and an attack plan for that "1" in steals to which Ichiro was a fix. I have the worst outfield known to man and acquired a couple run driver in-ers to boost production from a group that once included Aaron Rowand and Josh Fields.

2.) Conor Jackson

The Diamonbacks' first baseman is the #9 rated player in Yahoo Fantasy and yet remained untouched on our league's waiver wire. With everyone having a glutton of talented first basemen, he sat there with puppy dog eyes waiting for a chance to contribute. He now has that chance with The M.B.A.s and has brought his .348 BA, 24 R, and 25 RBIs with him.

3.) Marlin for Marlin

Tomke enjoys seafood. However, he traded in his carp for some lobster in releasing Andrew Miller (1-2, 9.12 ERA, 2.38 WHIP) for the considerably better Scott Olsen (3-1, 2.70 ERA, 1.12 WHIP). While we see one teammate dropped for another when it comes to relief pitching, I cannot recall a time when it occurred with starters. Kudos Tomke for a Drew-first.

4.) Aaron Harang and Edwin Schillinger Jackson for Andre Ethier and Justin Verlander

Viano boosted his starting rotation by acquiring a hard luck Reds' ace and a WVUR sports director (now African American). Tomke snagged prospect Andre Ethier and greatly struggling Justin Verlander. A first place team can't afford to wait through the struggles of a Verlander, and needs a steadier hand, like Harang. Meanwhile, Dave has acquired a pitcher with major potential.

5.) Mike Jacobs

The Florida first baseman slugged his way onto The Curse of the Veggies, bringing his 7 homers with him. However, he swung his way off JR's team a little while later when Radcliffe used waiver priority to snag Dodger James Loney. Easy come, easy go.

6.) Jair Jurrjens

Champ wins on the Braves' latest pitching find. Jurrjens is 3-2 with a nice 3.05 ERA with 1.04 WHIP. With 6 career wins, Jurrjens is 294 away from the Hall of Fame, but perhaps can channel some of that Johnny Cueto early season success a little bit longer than dear Cueto.

7.) The lowest point for Frank Liriano

When Liriano was tearing through hitters in 2006, we all thought we had the second coming of Johan Santana. When the arm fell off, we waiting for it to get put back on. Liriano, without pitching an inning, was dealt around, thought to be a keeper, and eventually drafted. Now, he's a freebie. His suckiness has resulted in Boof Bonser's ascension to Eli's roster, marking the second time this week teammates in the same starting rotation switched roster spots with a VUFSA team. On the plus side for Frank, I know some nice people in Rochester, MN and during his AAA stint there he can hang out with Liz Baden and 99 year old Aunt Anna.

8.) So how about that Jon Rauch?

Remember back in #1 when JR's bullpen was inevitably going to fall apart because of the mighty Chad Cordero? Well, Chad still can't throw right, leading to a DL stint, leading to Eli cutting Cordero this morning. Let the Jon Rauch era begin!

Baseball Recap 4.28

It's going to be a short one today. Because like Tomke's penis, it's better to have a short one than none at all.

1. Uncle Phil (80, 0)

Holy shit he's not slowing down. Not that Viano's team isn't good, but 80 points good? With a 16 point lead after three weeks? Scored another 50 runs this week. Oh by the way, Ben Sheets is due back this week.

2. Fukakke (64, -10)

I think Eli and I spend equal time in second place, but I somehow always land here on Mondays. Therefore, I look superior to people who only read recaps. Suck it, The Gun. Bow to my arbitrary day-of-the-week for recaps. League-high eight stolen bases last week.

3. Bob Loblaw (61, -8)

Like the teams surrounding him, lost considerable points this week. However, didn't lose more than two in any category. Those swings can be remade. Depleted pitching staff took a beating this week, as the ERA jumped 0.49 points.

4. Hank White (56.5, -4.5)

There's been a lot of lost points at the top of the standings, but no movement from 1-4. That means that we're getting awfully close to parity. Except spots 1 and 10. Stem had a nice week from his pitching staff, with four wins and five saves.

5. Harangatans (54, +14)

I wanted this week's photo to be a photoshop of Aaron Harang's face on an orangutan's head, and I worked on it for like a half hour before giving in to failure. I think that I did fine considering I don't have photoshop. Baron made a massive leap this week, and sits just 2.5 points out of 4th despite having 38.5 points in 9th place two weeks ago. Blame great pitching, notably James Shields (2/12/1.16/0.69) and Ednison Volquez (2/17/1.29/1.07). Fuck Johnny Cueto.

6. Dr. Jerry (53.5, -3.5)

Last year, 30 points separated 6th place from 2nd. This year, 6th sits 10.5 points out of the silver medal. Champ had a great power week, clubbing a league leading 13 homers and a league 2nd 43 RBI. Prince Fielder's awakening leads the offensive surge. More importantly, Champ is celebrating two VU Players being drafted by the Bears in the first three rounds! Go Crusaders!

7. The M.B.A.s (49.5, +11.5)

Big jumps in pitching, moving two points in wins, three in saves and four in ERA. Cliff Lee's supporting cast of Brandon Webb and CC Sabathia had very good weeks, to go along with Lefty Jesus' shutout on someday.

8. Curse of the Veggies (47.5, -9)

Sexy JR Radcliffe's team lost three points in runs and two in ERA. Crossed the dish a pithy 26 times this week. Sadly, has disappeared from smack-talking and name-changing for a personal record nine days. He is presumed naked. Possibly dead. But definitely naked.

9. Bondo and the Asians (44.5, +5)

A five point jump gets Dave squat in the standings. Rose up 4.5 points in runs, and notched a league-high 7 saves last week. Despite having only two closers rostered, Tomke holds a 10 in saves, thanks to Brandon Lyon's lights-out week. Someone from the GVSU intramural football team got drafted this weekend, so congrats for that. I have no doubt that Tomke deserves will take credit for this feat.

10. Slick (39.5, +4)

Reports out of Macomb say that Slick is not dead, but his team will remain on life support for the remainder of the season.

Baseball Recap- 4.21

1. Uncle Phil (80, +3.5)

The juggernaut is still rolling behind Chase Utley's absurdity. Two homers last night gave Chase five for the week, helping Viano to a league-leading 13 over the last seven days. That category saw a 2 point jump. A nice week for Mariano Rivera and the return of BJ Ryan aided a 1.5 point jump in saves. 80 points represents the high-water mark for anyone in the league, I believe.

2. Fukkake (74, +6.5)

Six very good starting pitching performances over the weekend increased Schillinger's lead in wins and Ks. Seven wins (tied with Champ) and 57 Ks lead the league this week. The jump in points however, came from the offensive side, ticking up in each category, 1.5 points in runs and homers. Mark Teixeira and David Wright combined for 15 RBI and are each hitting very well.

3. Bob Loblaw (69, -3)

Lost most points in the win column. Notched just two wins this week thanks to poor support for Roy Halladay, Chris Young and Kyle Lohse, who all pitched well. The ERA rose a substantial amount (0.64 points) though that's going to happen when you've been sitting under 2.50 since opening day. A grand slam on someday gave David Ortiz a healthy nine RBI on the week, and newcomer Randy Wolf was amazing, even though his stats didn't count for Eli this week.

4. Hank White (61, -5.5)

Last week's big gainer regressed this week, but didn't change place in the standings. Though Stem's ERA didn't change and the WHIP only rose 0.06 points, his squad lost 5.5 points between the categories. Champ (who we'll get to) took most of those. The Victorino injury is taking it's toll, as the team swiped just two bases and lost 1.5 points there. Ryan Theriot has been a godsend, on-basing .533 last week, scoring nine runs and even driving in four. The team OBA sits at .385, eight points better than 2nd in that column. Seven regulars OB'd over .440 last week.

5. Dr. Jerry (57, +26)

A jump we won't see again this season. Went from 10th last Monday to 5th today, leaping 26 points in the process. Amazing team numbers: 52 runs (led league), eleven homers, 40 RBI (T-lead) and seven wins. Furthermore, raised the OBA by 0.03 points (league lead) and lowered the ERA by 0.72 points and the WHIP by 0.15, which are enormous gains in just seven days time. Champ's biggest jumps were in Wins and WHIP (+6 points in each). Also added four points in the ERA column and three in the runs slot. Manny Ramirez had a sick week (7/4/8/0/.517) and so did Andy Pettite (2W, 10 K, 1.93 ERA)

6. Curse of the Veggies (56.5, -4)

Led the league in saves (6) last week and added Jason Isringhausen anyway. Gained 3.5 points in that column. Unfortunately, lost 3 points in WHIP and 2.5 points in wins (to Champ, of course) despite getting a decent week from the starting staff. Scored just 33 runs and lost 2 points there. Jake Peavy was awesome in his outing, but sadly the game he started ended 13 innings after he left, so he didn't factor into the decision. Chipper Jones continues to sizzle (6/4/7/0/.600) but strained his quad on Sunday. It's not a major injury, thankfully for Radcliffe, because the rest of the offense is inconsistent.

7. Harangutans (40, +1.5)

The largest one-place gap for the league is now between the six and seven spots, as Baron sits 16.5 points behind the team ahead of him. Still a pretty good week for Brendel, stealing a league-high 11 bases thanks in large part to Michael Bourn's five. Lowered both the ERA and WHIP a good chunk this week, and added help to a sputtering offense by adding Derrek Lee. Lee hit three homers and drove in eight last week, though some of those may have been credited to JR. Derek Jeter drove in ten runs.

8. Bondo and the Asians (38, -8.5)

A second straight rough week for Dave, who's dropped 21 points over two weeks, falling from 5th to 8th. Odd movement in the pitching categories, losing 4 points in WHIP and 3 in Wins and ERA, but gained 3.5 in Saves and 2.5 in Ks. The offense saw a small across the board decline despite the awakening of Miguel Cabrera (7/2/11/1/.419). Randy Johnson's return still bring hope, as the Big Unit tossed 10 1/3 innings with zero earned runs before falling apart in the 6th inning of his latest outing. Still, 13 Ks in 10.2 innings proves he can still show flashes of his earlier dominance.

9. The M.B.A.s (38, -9)

The biggest drop from last week got crushed again this week, losing ground in five categories. Lost 5 points combined between runs and homers, scoring a league-low 24 runs and just hit two home runs. Drew's first two draft picks, Adrian Gonzalez and Ryan Zimmerman, have been completely underwhelming. A quick statistical comparison leads us to two conclusions: 1) Drew obviously should have drafted Mark Reynolds and 2) Fantasy Baseball sucks.

Gonzalez + Zimmerman: 16 runs, 4 homers, 16 RBI, 0 steals.
Undrafted Mark Reynolds: 16 runs, 5 homers, 18 RBI and 1 steal.

Still, the biggest underachiever this year has to be C.C Sabathia, who tossed 4 innings this week, with 1 K and ratios of 20.25/3.25.

10. Slick (35.5, -7.5)

The recently deceased Hansen got nice weeks from Jim Thome and Brett Myers.

Transaction Time V 2.0

Week 2. Woo! I'm still going. Lots of moving this week, shall we take a look at some of the more interesting ones? Well, I'm going to, you can come along if you want.

1.) John Lackey for Derek Lee

Oooh! Our first Transaction Time trade!

The move filled voids for both clubs. JR has a log jam at first base with Justin Morneau and Alex Gordon deserving a spot, and Baron had an opportunity to acquire Yahoo's statistical number one for a pitcher on the DL. That and Ryan Garko shouldn't yet be a starting fantasy first baseman. Makes sense to me on both accounts.

2.) Joe Crede

Not only did no one in Major League Baseball want Joe Crede, neither did anyone in the VUFSA. Viano, though, decided to make a move on the White Sox 3rd baseman who has 4 HRs and 16 RBIs, which is good for 2nd and 1st among all third basemen, respectively. With no dominant force at third base (Kevin Youkilis is really good, but fails the "dominant force" test), Viano just snagged a needed piece for free.

3.) The quiet panic button

I am one of those ultra-patient owners. My transaction count is usually very low. I don't make a lot of waiver moves or small trades. Look at transaction numbers over the years in VUFSA:

2005: 32
2006: 26
2007: 19
2008: 9 (projected very roughly to be on pace for 90)

So far, I have overturned 60% of my starting outfield, my starting second baseman, and just under a third of my starting rotation. In an effort to not fall too far behind, The M.B.A.s have welcomed Cliff Lee, Gavin Floyd, Jose Lopez, and Xavier Nady to the fold. Whether these marginal players make much of an impact (probably not) remains to be seen.

4.) Delmon Young
Tomke scooped up the Twins' prospect from the waiver wire after a short stint with The M.B.A.s This kid is supposed to be really good. Injuries to Alfonso Soriano and Curtis Granderson force the young man into a starting spot right here and now. Will he snap out of an early season funk to help for 15 days?

5.) Nate McLouth
Stem picks up the hot hitting Pittsburgh outfielder. ESPN had some fun projections worth seeing,

"Nate McLouth, Pirates -- projected pace: .391 average, 289 hits, 104 doubles, 23 HR, 12 triples, 23 SB, 162 RBIs out of the leadoff hole!"

6.) Joe Borowski
Gasp! He's cut! Who'd have thunk it? The biggest piece of poo has a case of Borowskisucks-itis and probably will never close another Major League Baseball game again. For this, he now floats the lonely realm of Waiver Land.

Fun fact - when doing a Google image search for Mr. Borowski for this post, my own blog came up on the first page with a pitcher of an elephant's ass. That made me giggle. Oh, and the attach picture thingy was down, so we are all spared looking at Borowski or an elephant's rear end.

Baseball Recap 4/14

1. Uncle Phil (76.5, -1)

Viano's second week atop the charts saw him lose one point overall, but increase his lead to 4.5 points. Run scoring continues to be a great team strength, as they crossed the plate 41 more times this week. The team knocked in 44 runs (league high) to go along with the run scoring prowess. The WHIP and ERA produce a combined 19 points, thanks to continuing excellence from Brian Bannister and Ben Sheets. Rafael Soriano going on the DL hurt the saves category (a 1.5 point drop from last week) but BJ Ryan is back now and has already locked up one game since he returned.

2. Bob Loblaw (72, +1.5)

Very little movement overall, moving no more than 2.5 points in any category. Dropped 2 points in OBA, but gained 2.5 in wins. The RBI lead stayed in tact behind Pat Burrell, Josh Hamilton and BJ Upton. Pitching stands to get a boost now that we've seen the return of Francisco Liriano. Though the return was uninspiring, no further complications have been reported in regards to his injury.

3. Fukkake (67.5, -7)

Bad week for the bullpen, recording zero saves which caused a 6.5 point drop in that category. Though they didn't help in ERA and WHIP either, those categories stayed strong because of some strong starting pitching (+4.5 points in wins). The offense had a rough week hitting just 6 homers and driving in only 19 runs, dropping 7 points between OBA and RBI. David Wright is heating up, hitting homers in his last two games, a good sign.

4. Hank White (66.5, +14.5)

This week's biggest riser not only saw a nearly 15 point jump, but also spent time in second place. Despite Shane Victorino's injury, Stem picked up 4 points in stolen bases. Saved 5 games, jumping 2.5 points in that column. Also struck out 45 batters, good for 3 points. Derek Lowe continues his amazing season, throwing eight great innings in a win this week.

5. Curse of the Veggies (60.5, -6.5)

Jimmy Rollins' ankle injury doesn't bode well for JR's speed, and it showed last week. COTV swiped just one base, and lost 3.5 points in that column. Lost the lead in homers, but picked up 3 points between gains in ERA and SV. Got 4 homers and 11 RBI from Raul Ibanez (!) to go with a a two-homer, six-RBI game from Jeff Francouer.

6. Bondo and the Asians (47.5, -12.5)

This week's big faller lost major, major points in pitching. Lost points in every category except Ks, losing no fewer than 3 in each. We'll see if the return of Randy Johnson helps any. Johnson's skills haven't disappeared the last couple seasons, just his health. Hit 12 homers this week, and the offensive numbers helped stopped the bleeding at least a little. Carlos Pena (6 R, 4 HR, 8 RBI) and Chien-Ming Wang (1 run CG) had really good weeks.

7. The M.B.A.s (43, -6.5)

Not a disastrous week, but a steady decline in power caused most of the damage here. Just six homers in seven days. Major slumps from Victor Martinez and Ryan Zimmerman are to blame. Tim Lincecum was excellent, striking out 18 guys in 12 innings, with a 2.25/1.25 in those innings. Troy Percival, despite no save opps, threw three perfect innings with a K per inning.

8. Slick (43, +8.5)

Of all the numbers I can throw out here, none will be more astounding than the ones in this paragraph. Despite an injured Michael Cuddyer all week, led the league in runs scored (42) and home runs (13) with 7 stolen bases. The offensive surge keyed the second largest point jump in the league, proving once again that sometimes the best moves are the ones you don't make.

9. Harangautans (38.5, +4)

The hardest categories to track (for me at least) are the average stats like WHIP and OBA. That's where Baron's gains came from this week, +5 in OBA and +3 in WHIP. I can't say exactly why, but six players with on-bases higher than .429 had to help. Sexy Matt Holliday is back, hitting two homers, scoring 6 times and knocking home 10 RBI. Baron also swiped a league high 8 bases.

10. Dr. Jerry (31, +5)

Huston Street's big week (3 saves, no runs) keyed a six point jump in the SV category, as Champ waits for his offense to heat up. Only seven homers so far this season, which is awful. The team OBA sits at .314, which is Corey Patterson-esque. Yunel Escobar remains the team's best player, scoring another seven runs last week. Zack Greinke had another great outing last week, and new-pickup Joe Saunders is having a great start to the season. JR's right Prince, eat a burger.

*****************************************

I'd like to use this space to announce some personal news. April 25th will be my last day with Walgreens. I've accepted a job with a State Farm Agency until I become an Agent. At least that's the plan for now. Cheers.

A broken team

The scene: The locker room of "Slick", a team named after its owner. The players' uniforms are as creative as the team name -- a drab shade of gray with a thin black stripe down the trouser leg. The letters of the team name are feebly ironed on the front of the jersey, in small Helvetica letters, printed from an Epson inkjet that was purchased on sale at Sam's Club.

Lance Berkman sits on two cinder blocks in the locker room, which is dimly lit by a single, yellow light bulb that hangs from a chain in the ceiling. He glances at Gil Meche, who is attempting to re-fasten the "c" to his jersy with a safety pin.

Berkman: Hey Gil, any idea why [Michael] Cuddyer is playing again today?
Meche: No. He just keeps getting penciled into the lineup. Again and again.
Berkman: I don't get it. He's -- he's in no shape to play.

Berkman shifts his eyes to the corner of the locker room. He looks back at Meche. Then again the the corner of the locker room. Meche follows his gaze.

There we see Michael Cuddyer, slumped into the corner. He is not breathing. He also has a dislocated right index finger.

Young outfielder Luke Scott sits nearby. He has not played in a game this season for Slick. The team has also failed to provide him with shoes, so his brown loafers starkly clash with the ill-fitting, gray polyester uniforms.

Scott: I don't know why I can't get into the lineup. I know it's early, but I have a 1.061 OPS.
Jim Thome: Sample size, my friend. You know how savvy Slick is about those kinds of statistical trends.
[everyone laughs]
Joe Nathan: Hey, speaking of Slick. Where has he been lately?
Joba Chamberlain: I don't know. I haven't seen him since April 5.
Juan Pierre: Yeah, he just came in that day and filled out a lineup card, left it on the table, and said we should follow it until further notice.
Dontrelle Willis: Yeah, I've been the top starter all season, and I'm hurt.
Nathan: Also, you suck!
[more uproarious laughter]

The room quickly quiets. Moments of levity are rare for a team that has been abandoned by its management. Players whisper about wanting trades to better teams like Uncle Phil and Fukkake.

Near the front of the clubhouse, Albert Pujols picks at the pre-game food spread, which consists of a jar of olives, a half-eaten box of off-brand Triscuits and two packages of bologna, both past their use-by date.

Adrian Beltre sits near his locker. He softly weeps.

When asked why he cries, Beltre talks of his lost passion for the game.

"I used to love baseball," he says. "I used to have such fire. But playing here, it is like a death sentence. I feel dead inside. I can't even get an erection anymore. My wife is totally unsatisfied with my sexual performance, and I fear that she is now cheating on me with other men."

Jered Weaver, the current staff ace, says he just wants to know someone cares.

"We haven't brought in one new player all year," he says, pulling on an old sanitary sock. Worn by time, the sock rips and Weaver's toe pokes through.

"I just want to know that someone in the front office cares. All of the other teams are trying to compete; they're making changes. We have some talent here, but nothing is happening. It's like no one believes in us."

He adds, "I can't get a boner either, dude. I think it might be that old-ass bologna."

Just another day for the players of Slick.

Transaction Time

Welcome all to Transaction Time where I hope to maintain a somewhat regular column taking a look at weekly transactions in the league, pointing out the waiver wire wonders and the dejected drops. I like alliteration.

For this first edition, I'm going to take a look at the last 25 moves page. It so happens that that the time duration spans from April 2nd to April 10th. Highlights!

1.) Carlos Gomez.
Tomke picked up the Minnesota speedster, only to drop him moments later in favor of Padre outfielder Scott Hariston. Hariston has hit .235 this season and was recently ejected for arguing with an umpire. On the other hand, Gomez, the league leader with 5 steals, found his way to The M.B.A.s who cut loose slow to start Garrett Anderson.

2.) Johnny Cueto.
Viano emerged from fantasy baseball inactivity to snatch, perhaps, the waiver wire steal of the year. Cueto's line through two starts: 1 win, 2.02 ERA, 0.45 WHIP (0 walks), and 18 K's. Viano then threw salt into Baron's perpetual Cincinnati wound by mocking him in the smack talk.

3.) Early season relief
The desperate grasping of the closer has begun. With a slew of injuries befalling MLB closers, a whole host of unknown relievers suddenly find relevance in our beloved fantasy game. JR snagged Scot(t) Shields who will see opportunity in lieu of K-Rod's injury. Atlanta's Rafael Soriano's pesky elbow soreness has him out of action. Edwin jumped in and took Peter Moylan, and I took the other half of the closer by committee, Manny Acosta.

4.) Tomke dumps (on) Asians
A disturbing trend in the VUFSA of Dave Tomke turning his back on his namesake. Both Akinori Iwamura and Masa Kobayashi were not long for Bondo and the Asians only briefly holding roster spots.

5.) Cute little pick-ups.
The VUFSA has seen a slew of nice little acquisitions that I kinda liked and thought were worth mentioning. Bill Hall to Tomke might pan out as JR informs me that Hall had an off season contact fitting, which means this is the first season he can actually see the baseball flying towards him. JR scooped up Ted Lilly who could make for a decent fourth or fifth starter. Joe Saunders and Kyle Lohse have gotten off to terrific starts and could benefit both Champ and Eli, respectively, if they continue to pitch at a level higher than they should be.

6.) Remember when?
Garret Anderson (Wolf), Barry Zito (Radcliffe), and Jon Garland (Whitlock) were all no brainer draft picks?

7.) Corey Patterson, Nate McLouth, and Xavier Nady - all players ranked in the single digits by Yahoo.
All of whom might be better options than starting Michael Cuddyer in the outfield after the Twins slugger went on the DL six days ago. Slick in response said, "To hell with it. It's fantasy baseball isn't it? It's my fantasy that he knocks two out of the park tonight. Screw off."

Baseball Recap 4/07/08

Welcome to the first ever VUFSA Baseball recap. Hopefully, this starts a summer full of blog activity, as anyone and everyone is invited to pitch in an article here and there. (for instance, if we have 4 people sign up to write recaps, that's one a month for everyone!) Drew is going to debut a column later this week, and all other ideas welcome.

For the +/- stat, we'll assume everyone started at 50 this season.


1. Uncle Phil (77.5, +27.5)

I never had the pleasure of a Phil Potempa class, so this team name is probably lost on me. Instead, the top of the standings makes me think of James Avery. Viano's killer start can be credited to an excellent performance by the pitching staff. Ben Sheets and Felix Hernandez haven't allowed an earned run in 15+ innings each. A suprise outing from Brian Bannister helped Andy to 10s in ERA and WHIP. An eight run lead in runs has been opened up thanks to Chase Utley and Chris Young. Utley's great week included 8 runs, 3 homers and 6 RBI- with an OBA of over .500.

2. Fukkake (74.5, +24.5)
Strong on-base skills and speed on the bases conspire with a a decent pitching line to put Schillinger within striking distance of the top spot. The lead story here has to be the emergence of MLB's next superstar, Kosuke Fukudome, got on base at a .542 clip, with 5 runs, 5 RBI and a monster homer on opening day. He also stole a base. I get 2 trade proposals from Dave per day. Despite four different relievers getting lit up at various points, the WHIP stayed low and the ERA is under control. Daisuke Matsuzaka (2.31/0.77) is off to a great start, with a win and 15 strikeouts through two starts.

3. Bob Loblaw (70.5, +20.5)

The biggest surprise of the week may be just two steals from team Gieryna. Jose Reyes has neither of them. Despite the 1.5 in steals (which is sure to rise) the pitching is fixed after last year's terrible start to the season, and the power numbers are really good. 6 RBI each from Ryan Braun and Pat Burrell (who hit two more homers today) contribute to one of the team's 10s. George Sherrill leads the league in saves, and so does Eli, thanks in addition to Bobby Jenks. Rich Harden has a 0.82 ERA in 2 non-elbow shredding starts, with 15 Ks in 11 innings.

4. HEY GUYS I'M DERR (67, +17)

This name makes less sense to me than Viano's. I'm sure that Milwaukee's second favorite inbred, Derrick Turnbow, is involved. If Derrek Lee is this good all season (and he has sustained this excellence in the past) we could all be in trouble. Three homers already for the Cubs first baseman, leading JR to the top in that category. Jake Peavy has two wins already, with a matching ERA and WHIP at 0.56. 70% of Jonathon Papelbon's out this year have been strikeouts.

5. Bondo and the Asians (60, +10)
The supposedly weak pitching staff has performed exceedingly well through the season's first week. Wang, Kuroda, Harang and Phil Hughes are all off to a nice start. The strikeout category is the only major problem. Undrafted Rick Ankiel is carrying the offense right now, with 3 homers and 6 RBI. Carlos Pena is on his way to proving that last year was no fluke, while the Justin Upton has 3 runs, 3 RBI and 3 home runs. Tomke's best player through a week remains Joe Borowski, who is 2-2 in the save department, with a K/9 of 9.00.

6. The M.B.A.s (53.5, +3.5)

Victor Martinez's early season injury has slowed Drew's offense so far, but the pitching is out of the blocks very well. A 10 in wins and a 9 in Ks have been spearheaded by Brandon Webb and Brad Penny. Jason Isringhausen has balanced out the presence of Eric Gagne to this point. Hanley Ramirez is really off to a sensational start, though a quiet one. Ryan Zimmerman has been very good, with 5 runs scored and 2 homers.

7. Hank White (52, +2)

A good offensive start, but a mediocre pitching performace. Vernon Wells has been great, 6 runs, 2 homers, 5 RBI and a .400 OBA. Adam Dunn is off to a slow start, and Shane Victorino has been invisible, meaning there's upside here. As far as the staff goes, they've pitched pretty well altogether, but wins are hard to come by. Biggest victim being Derek Lowe, who has 10 Ks and a 2.25 ERA and no wins to show for it. Half of the team's wins have come from the bullpen. Saves have been just as hard to find. Jermaine Dye is having a stellar start, piling up 7 runs with 2 homers and a .481 OBA.

T-8. Slick (34.5, -15.5)

Excepting Jered Weaver, the pitching staff has been god-awful. A cumulative ERA of 4.86 has been caused by just about everyone else. Trevor Hoffman has racked up 2 saves despite an ERA of 12.27 and WHIP near 2.00. Joe Nathan, on the other hand, has been awesome. A 9 in stolen bases comes from Brian Roberts and Lance Berkman (?). The power's a little shallow so far, and will stay that way until Michael Cuddyer comes off the DL, because he'll probably be in the starting lineup until then.

T-8. Harangutans (34.5. -15.5)

Three 1s (league high) hold back Baron's charges, and two are directly related. Saves are hard to find with only two current closers on the roster, but excellent middle reliever Rafael Betancourt has a WHIP of 3.43, hurting Brendel there. First-rounder Roy Oswalt has had a really rough start, coupled with injuries to John Lackey and Yovani Gallardo, the pitching staff has a rough road ahead. A solo home run is the only run production that Sexy Matt Holliday has to show for the season's first week. As a result, only 18 points come from the offensive side.

10. Dr. Jerry (26, -24)

Everyone has been below average except for Yunel Escobar. Yeah. Has two 4s and those are the high marks for Champ's club. I'm not going to dive into the particulars because Champ's team is better than this and we don't want this week to be preserved for future generations to read about.