Who Is Ron Mexico: 3-11

Who Is Ron Mexico: 3-11

Ken’s Anal Adventure was one of two expansion teams who entered the VUFSA this season. Hopes were modest as expansion rules allowed but two players to be on their roster before the regular season draft. Despite these limitations, the soon to be renamed Who Is Ron Mexico club had an active season leading the league with a dizzying 76 transactions and several competitive games – including the biggest upset in league history. In all, the team managed three wins but will have the first overall selection in the 2006 draft.

Expansion Draft:
Antonio Gates
Reggie Wayne

The expansion draft brought much criticism from other league owners who thought a running back should have been selected. WIRM’s choice to pass on the likes of Steven Jackson hurt the team’s depth at running back all season. The team did manage to procure the league’s best tight end and a solid wide receiver, though both were jettisoned by September 20th (week 3) as part of a drastic restructuring process. Regret continues to plague Tomke who was quoted earlier this weeks saying, “Both were traded, and looking back, Gates shouldn't have been. FUCK.”

Round 1: Brett Farve
Round 2: Brandon Stokley
Round 3: DeShaun Foster
Round 4: Justin McCareins
Round 5: Marty Booker
Round 6: Jason Hanson
Round 7: Lee Suggs
Round 8: Mike Brown
Round 9: Zach Thomas
Round 10: Brian Griese
Round 11: Ladell Betts
Round 12: Kareem Gbaja-Biamila
Round 13: Willie McGinest
Round 14: Mike Alstott
Round 15: Timmy Chang!
Supp Round 1: Marcus Pollard
Supp Round 2: David Boston
Supp Round 3: Bobby Wade

The draft did little to provide WIRM with any sort of foundation for their inaugural season. First overall selection Brett Farve played one week, scored 1.75 points, and ended his WIRM playing career hitting the waiver wires. Their second pick Brandon Stokley struggled all season falling deep into the Colts’ offensive shadows after a break out 1,000 yard, 10 touchdown season for Indy a year ago. Third pick DeShaun Foster was traded away and then reacquired in what looks to be one of the team’s keepers heading into 2006. The list of underachieving selections ranges from Marty Booker to Brain Griese. The highlight of the draft, unquestionably, was the brilliant selection of field magician Timmy Chang in round 15.

Trades:
9/11 Acquired:
Mike Vick
Lost:
2nd round 2006 pick

September 11th, a day that will live in infamy. The day that WIRM’s team blew up (does this awful analogy make me a bad person? The answer is yes.). Farve was gone after one game, and LaTomke opted to grab Michael Vick from ChamPeons in exchange for the club’s second round pick in the 2006 draft. The trade initially paid dividends with Vick scoring in double digits each of his first three games. Then the wheels fell off.
Week 5: 0 points
Week 6: benched
Week 7: 8.75 points
Week 8 and 9: did not play

After that, it was a roller coaster ride with Vick’s totals all over the place.

Week 10: 28.0 points
Week 11: benched
Week 12: 19 points
Week 13: 3.25 points
Week 14 25.5 points
Week 15 2.75 points

Wild point swings made Vick a make or break player and one of WIRM’s more perplexing decision heading into 2006. Which quarterback should be at the helm next season? Michael Vick or the youthful Lil’ Eli Manning? Or both… If Vick isn’t a keeper, LaTomke paid a steep price in an attempt to win now as with their second overall pick gone, the snake rules will bite WIRM who will have to wait 28 players before getting to select their second in the draft.

Some of WIRM’s key trades are listed below. Of note was losing Reggie Wayne for an often injured duo of TJ Duckett and Issac Bruce. The September 19th trade where LaTomke lost Thomas Jones and Antonio Gates for Ahman Green and Michael Clayton was a season killer. Tomke on Green: “Key Injuries: Ahman Green is a fucking pussy.”

9/14 Acquired:
Thomas Jones
Troy Williamson
Lost:
Kevin Curtis
Robert Ferguson

9/15 Acquired:
Issac Bruce
TJ Duckett
Lost:
Reggie Wayne

9/19 Acquired:
Ahman Green
Michael Clayton
Lost:
Thomas Jones
Antonio Gates

10/3 Acquired:
Brandon Lloyd
Mike Anderson
Lost:
DeShaun Foster
Lee Suggs

10/31 Acquired:
Tony Fisher
Chester Taylor
Lost:
Mike Anderson

11/17 Acquired:
Deshuan Foster
Lost:
Frank Gore

So what of the high points in the year for WIRM? Week 2 undoubtedly was an unforgettable moment for the rookie franchise. The team took down the mighty Sex Panther in what is being labeled as the biggest upset in league history (all of 2 years). Led by Michael Vick’s 14.75 points and Thomas Jones’ 26.00, LaTomke scored a solid 95.25 and became the first of the two expansion teams to win a game.

Unfortunately for WIRM, that game would be the last time they would taste victory for some time as the team embarked on a sad seven game losing streak. During the streak, the team posted scores of 42.00, 61.50, 69.25, and 47.50 (ironically the same scores as Ed’s four running backs anytime he plays the Blaine Browns, but I digress…).

In week 10 the team got back on track knocking ChamPeons from playoff contention with a 91.50-75.25 victory. The league eagerly awaited for “Eli’s Revenge” in week 11. WIRM, instead, was in position for the season sweep against Sex Panther heading into Monday Night Football needing just six points from Green Bay running back Samkon Gado who the previous week unleashed 30 points on a 3 touchdown effort. The thunder was booming, but ended up busting as Gado could only must 7 yards rushing and 1 catch for 30 yards disappointing LaTomke. Tomke on the loss, “Samkon Gado was pretty good, except when I needed him.”

Week 13 held the rematch of the expansion teams. Big Fat Guys took round one with a 82.25-73.0 win in week 4. In that matchup, WIRM suffered a repeat of week 11 when a Green Bay back, this time Ahman Green (remember the “fucking pussy” guy) posted a mere 6 points on Monday night football when a strong double digit performance (remember when that was expected of Ahman Green?) would have brought LaTomke victory. Back to week 13, the hopes were high for WIRM who wanted to prevent owner Baron Brendel’s proclamation of “king of the expansion teams” from coming true. It did not as WIRM put up a season high and only triple digit performance of the year 102.25 to Big Fat Guys’ 93.50. In the victory, Braylon Edwards had 18.5, Ricky Williams 14.0, and DeShaun Foster a whopping 28.5. After the win, Tomke added, “I beat Baron, which was good, because I really was going to kill myself if I didn't.”

The team finished the season at 3-11 and at the bottom of the VUFSA standings. Heading into next year, the team needs to address its offense having put up the lowest per week average at 75.18 – 11 points below the 9th place squad. With a core of Vick, Manning, Foster, and Edwards, the team has youth and room to grow. The first overall pick will no doubt help, and Tomke is not bashful about the hopes for said pick, “After the draft, Reggie Bush will instantly become the best player on my team.”