Father Abraham 2-12

Team Souzek. Where to begin? Perhaps in the wilderness? I maintained throughout the course of the season that this was the best last place team in any league the VUFSA has fielded. This despite averaging a league worst 91.70 points per game and being decimated by injuries. I suppose we should start with the draft, and then I’ll build my case as to why Father Abraham was still “good.”

Round 1: Domanick “Don’t Call Me” Davis
Round 2: Fred Taylor
Round 3: LenDale White
Round 4: Joey Galloway
Round 5: Drew Bennett
Round 6: Troy Williamson
Round 7: Ben Roethlisberger
Round 8: Jerramy Stevens
Round 9: Maurice Hicks
Round 10: Jay Feely
Round 11: Adalius Thomas
Round 12: Mike Peterson
Round 13: Jason Taylor
Round 14: Musa Smith
Round 15: Derrick Blaylock

Picks 1, 2 and 3 were all running backs and it’s where the season began and ended for Lincoln. Domanick Davis went on the Texans IR immediately following the announcement that he had been selected by Team Souzek. What the personal grudge is there, I’m not sure but what I do know is that Davis was so embarrassed by it that he changed his haircut, jersey number, and name after the incident. As a result, Souzek was left scrambling in the wake of this departure. Fred Taylor was a questionable choice in round 2 being that he has never been healthy for more than 8% of any season, pee-wee football included. Perhaps feeling badly for Lincoln that Davis left him out to dry, Fred Taylor had a terrific season for Father Abraham leading the team with 1,146 yards rushing and 6 touchdowns. LenDale White somehow got lost in the mediocre backfield in Tennessee and never lived up to his lofty NFL draft status and third round VUFSA draft status. So of Lincoln’s first three running back picks, only two played, and only one played worth a damn.

Souzek then spent his next three picks on wide receivers where, once again, only 1 of the 3 panned out. Joey Galloway was incredibly streaky due in no small part to catching bloody spleens but still managed a 1,000 yard receiving season and 7 touchdowns. Drew Bennett and Troy Williamson, on the other hand, are good friends with Domanick Davis and decided to scorn Team Souzek.

And thus the season began with the team chemistry in disarray but with the blind optimistic hope that engulfs us all when we are undefeated in the preseason. Week 1 saw Father Abraham take on Fresh Legs, an upcoming franchise hoping to make some noise this season. Lincoln rallied the troops and told Baron that this would not be his day (or season) and to sit down by virtue of a 105.75-99.75 victory. Keepers Donovan McNabb, Joe Horn, and Jamal Lewis led the way with double digit performances and even Drew Bennett forgot that he was white getting in on the 10+ point action. Then the close calls came. In week 2, Stem defeated Souzek by just 0.75 points. In week 3 it was Edwin squeaking by with a narrow 82.50-81.75 margin. In just two weeks, Father Abraham had lost by less than two points to fall under .500, a line the team would drown under the remainder of the season. In fact, FA would only find one more win on the season upending the playoff bound Nihilist Marmot 111.25-89.50 in week 5. Since then, I think Edwin has said it’s been a record number of consecutive losses closing the year going 0-9.

So I haven’t made much of a case for this being the best last place team ever, but I ask you to refer back to those two close calls. There were other very competitive games that just didn’t quite go Lincoln’s way. A 5.25 loss in week 7, an 8 point loss in week 8, a 3.25 loss in week 10, and a 3.25 point loss in week 11 coupled with the two already referenced games gave Father Abraham 6 losses where the margin of defeat was in single digits. Single digit games are stupidly close and are frequently decided by something miniscule like a field goal or some obscure defensive play. If those 6 weeks had gone Lincoln’s way, and with the tremendous amount of luck involved in fantasy football, Souzek finishes the season at 8-6 and tied for fourth. Thus I maintain that the record does not accurately reflect the competitiveness of Team Souzek. In year’s past, playing the last place team would have been a guaranteed victory but the close games Father Abaraham was involved in proved that he was no easy win.

So what of this franchise in 2007? Cadillac Williams came on board at the very end of the season at the expense of the number one overall selection in next season's draft. Lincoln does obtain a second rounder, meaning he traded down as opposed to completely trading away #1. Keepers are shaping up to be Donovan McNabb, Cadillac Williams, Anquan Boldin, Jamal Lewis, and then perhaps Leon Washington, Domanick Davis, or Fred Taylor. Certainly respectable if not unspectacular. McNabb will be the wild card here, as he put up obscene numbers while healthy in 2006. If he can carry the team in 2007, it won’t take but an average group of healthy players to break the losing streak. Now you may have noticed I did not include any owner comments in this piece due in no small part to not having any. Lincoln decided to buck the trend and offer a comprehensive view of his season in the following passage that I bring to you unaltered.

In lieu of discussing my train wreck of a season, I would like to paraphrase a Seinfeld dialogue that represents how I heard your questions and my responses in my head:

DREW: Look at you.

LINCOLN: Aw, Drew, don't start...

DREW: You're wasting your fantasy career.

LINCOLN: I am not! What you call wasting, I call playing! I'm playing

fantasy sports!

DREW: O.K., like what? No, tell me! Do you have a title?

LINCOLN: No.

DREW: You got draft picks?

LINCOLN: No.

DREW: Do you have any solid keepers?

LINCOLN: No.

DREW: Do you have any prospects?

LINCOLN: No.

DREW: You got anything on the horizon?

LINCOLN: Uh...no.

DREW: Do you have any action at all?

LINCOLN: No.

DREW: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?

LINCOLN: I like to get the Times!