Uncomfortable Silence

So...Ed took fourth. I mean, and Drew won, which is great. Congrats to Drew. GM of the year. He beat Ed, who took fourth. Raise your hand if you saw the coming.

Put your hand down, Lincoln. Smartass.

Remember when Ed took fourth? Do you think he pissed off the VUFSA gods? I mean, really, really pissed them off? Urinated on them, perhaps? It's the craziest fall of an empire since the XFL. Better, even.

How did Drew Wolf go from a rebuilding season to something greater? Let's take a look at the top 10 things that shocked us about the 2006 playoffs.

10. Marion Butts-Barber. The Cowboys bruiser has gone from a backup or third down back to the fantasy star of the Dallas offense, amassing 21.50 key points during semifinals week to vault Viano into a comfortable lead. The problem? Barber went absolutely silent during championship week and was good for a fatty zero, just like the rest of the Cowboys and Tony Romo, who is screwing Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood and probably (just speculation here) Madonna at the same time. Not that it mattered -- none of Viano's backup options would have been worth much.

9. Dunn For. It seemed like the perfect scenario for The Nihilist Marmot on the Saturday night of semifinals week: Jerious Norwood was out and Warrick Dunn was playing, meaning a lot of carries should go to the seasoned homebuilder for single moms. Instead, Justin Griffith, who sat on the Marmot's bench and would have played if Dunn had been declared out, got into the end zone twice and made some noise while Dunn was worth six points. The difference wasn't enough to win that week, but it was a frustrating development for Radcliffe.

8. Welcome Back, Marc Bulger. An otherwise-mediocre showing during the third place game turned into an upset victory for The Nihilist Marmot when Marc Bulger went off for just shy of 40 points, re-emphasizing that he has to be taken seriously as a keeper candidate next year. Maybe if he'd done better than five points in the semis, he'd have led his team to the title.

7. Brandon Jacobs, Present-Day Bust? He's still a certainty keeper and a potential breakout star, but he did nothing for Drew in the playoffs, though a late touchdown got him to the 4.50 mark (don't fumble, asshole) in the semis and proved crucial in the homestretch against Ed. Jacobs received no carries in the championship game.

6. Antonio Gates of Hell. He was the top tight end in football heading into the playoffs -- he was well below average during. He may have picked up 63 yards in the third place match, but he was worth three receptions for 70 yards total during the two games, and was one of many underperformers during the week for Madd Skillz.

5. Michael Vick, Burning One Way and Then Another. Without the 37.50 points in the semifinals, Drew Wolf does not have enough to pull the century's greatest upset, but oddly enough Captain Herpes was worthless in the championship game, and Drew was lucky that he didn't need more than 1.25 points.

4. Chester Taylor flees. He was worth 3.00 in the semis and 5.50 in the finals, making Ed's superior flex option into a useless one when it mattered the most. Taylor had a sharp decline as the season progressed, but for most of the season he was out of sight as a fourth-best back.

3. Wee Willy Wets the Bed. Viano simply had nothing going in the championship game, with only two starters reaching double digits. By far the most disappointing had to be Willie Parker, who was worth a negative half point after serving up 19 points in the semifinals.

2. Ed's Receivers Disappear. If they're not the best fantasy receiving trio in the league, they're close, but Ed's trio of Steve Smith, Chad Johnson and Terry Glenn were inexplicably worth one lousy half point in the third place game. Smith had NO catches, Chad Johnson's day could not overcome a fumble and get into the positives, and Glenn was bad in primetime. For Johnson, the decline was especially bad, since his 2.50 in the semis (combined with a meer 11 points provided by Smith and Glenn together) was one of the major reasons he fell in that contest.

1. Maurice Jones-Drew. The gnome with the large penis epitomized what Wolf has managed to do ... build for the future and somehow win now at the same time. It's the perfect GMship. It certainly wasn't a bad pickup when David Tomke birthed Jones-Drew into the VUFSA world with a waiver wire pickup Sept. 24, the same day that the dreadlocked one had an intriguing 103 yards of rushing and no touchdowns. In what is quickly looking like one of the most shrewd deals of the year, Drew picked up his black namesake and DeAngelo Williams -- with one eye on the future, for Chris Brown and Warrick Dunn on Oct. 3. Jones-Drew collected 34.50 points in the season's final week to help the Partyboat eek into the playoffs, then his 18.50 in the semifinals and 30.00 points in the finals made him the playoff MVP. To celebrate, owner Drew Wolf is adapting Jones-Drew's dreadlock haircut.