W5R: Monday (and Tuesday) Mayhem

Tony Romo's 18-inch dong reared its ugly head on Monday night, and as one owner jerked absent-mindedly at his own .18 incher, several others in the VUFSA were paying attention as Monday Thunder brought about last-second uprising. The final drive in the week's final game meant changes to two outcomes and the threat of change in a third (though Morris was waiting behind the scenes). Two undefeated teams began to look like postseason locks, Madd Skillz overcame a some bad byes to post the week's biggest total, Taste The Happy was left cursing the name of a familiar nemesis before the tables turned and Andrew Hansen must have been recovering from emergency dental surgery. Do I hear wedding bells? Trent Green hears bells, too.
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Madd Skillz - 126.00
WhoWantsToSexMbaye? - 123.00

Game Summary: When Tony Romo was completing passes to his own players, the primary receiver was Jason Witten, and that was good news for the VUFSA's newest non-bachelor. The 16 points by the Cowboys tight end tipped the scales, with a big final drive clinching victory over playoff hopeful Mbaye. Andy Viano's troops are solid across the board, but yet another great week by Ronnie Brown, double digit efforts from all but two skill slots, and a little dose of Romo's magic gave Viano the hardest of hard-luck losses -- second-highest point total in the VUFSA all week, and still a setback.

Madd Skillz: With Donovan McNabb, Chad Johnson and Ronald Curry on bye, it was supposed to be among Ed Schillinger's biggest down weeks. But trying to atone for eliminating the Cubs on his wedding day, the karmic gods atoned with a big week. Ben Roethlisberger (14.5) wasn't terrible filling in for McNabb, and even Vernand Morency (9.5) added something to the pot. Brown (21) was excellent, making him a godsend to Ed's misadventures this year, and small double digit efforts belonged to Donte Stallworth (12), Steve Smith (10), Ron Dayne (10.5) and LDT (10.5).

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?: Probably would have liked the win, one week before byes claim his starting quarterback, tight end, two receivers and at least one top running back. Peyton Manning (21.25) was his usual self, and Viano received superb contributions across the board. Vincent Jackson (11.5) was finally worth a damn, and you can't even be displeased with Willis McGahee (13.5) and Cedric Benson (12.5), two underachieving running backs thus far. Dallas Clark (11.5) did well but still lost the battle of white tight ends. Jerious Norwood (3) and Darrell Jackson (1) continue to disappoint. Will Witherspoon (12.25) with a monster defensive day.

It was over when... Witten grabbed three catches for 25 yards on the touchdown drive preceding Dallas' onside kick Monday, amounting to 3.5 points for Ed in the week's final minute.
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Taste The Happy - 88.75
Which Bear Is Best - 88.25

Game Summary: It ain't over until it's over, except when it's not over. In a move that perhaps gives Eli some small measure of retribution for a career of unfortunate fantasy football events, Yahoo Morris gave Eli an extra 3.75 points overnight and allowed Taste The Happy to claim a narrowest-of-margins victory over the guy who usually gets such benefit, WBIB. If it holds (and a DeMarcus Ware forced fumble remains disputed), Eli Gieryna will have overcome zeros from both Jon Kitna and James Jones, as well as horrible single-digit performances from Larry Johnson, Bobby Engram, Julius Jones and Travis Henry. Defense wins championships, and Eli's crew is credited with 30.25 points.

Taste The Happy: Gieryna cannot even feel bad about starting Kitna (0) over Vince Young (1), since neither quarterback did a damn thing. James Jones (0) nullified his decent day with two fumbles -- and tackles on both plays -- and Larry Johnson (3.5) continues to be one of the greatest fantasy disappointments in years, unless he turns it around quickly. Torry Holt (14.5) caught a late touchdown to boost his value and Nate Kaeding (11) had a decent day, but those were the only two double-digit efforts on offense. Meanwhile, Kerry Rhodes (16) had a defensive touchdown among his achievements and Ware (10.25) had a big game in Dallas' comeback. The problem for Eli -- Ware has been given a forced fumble, and Buffalo wasn't credited with any fumbles, according to the Yahoo box score. The question: is it a forced fumble if the same team recovers? Stay tuned.

Which Bear is Best: For a while, it looked like a last-second change was going to pay serious dividends. Deciding to insert Patrick Crayton (12) over Lee Evans (4) looked very good, especially when Crayton caught a touchdown with 20 seconds remaining Monday night to give Radcliffe what appeared to be victory. Modest production from Reggie Wayne (12.5) and Brett Favre (13.25) was helpful, though a hail-mary interception by the latter at the end of regulation looks bad now, given the final score of this matchup. Sammy Morris (11) continued to vulture points away from an injured Laurence Maroney.

It was over when... Morris started pushing buttons.
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The Hulkamaniacs - 74.00
ChamPeons - 60.25

Game Summary: Ugly. Drew Wolf remains undefeated, but it wasn't because he had his best week. In a week that was bad for several quarterbacks, both Matt Hasselbeck and Drew Brees finished in the single digits. Injuries left gaping zeros on both sides, though Champ was afflicted more greatly by the non-appearance of star running back Joe Addai. Whitlock went without a single double-digit performance, and that ultimately proved to be his undoing.

The Hulkamaniacs: With Laurence Maroney inactive, Wolf maneuvered to get Santonio Holmes into the flex spot -- except then he was ruled inactive, as well. Todd Heap got the same treatment, and suddenly Wolf was staring down a pair of zeros. Brandon Jacobs (13) returned to the Giants with some fanfare and Brian Leonard (14) had a nice game in Steven Jackson's ever-growing absence. Marshawn Lynch, Braylon Edwards and Loveyouranus Coles each had solid-if-unspectacular days (8) and Matt Hasselbeck (2.25) was super, super bad. Michael Turner (20) was benched, but will likely get playing time before it's all over.

ChamPeons: Addai getting ruled out late was a blow, but it's a whole separate ballgame if Champ has a chance to insert backup Kenton Keith (27.50) into that vacancy. Terrell Owens could have provided some Thunder, but he was limited to 2.5 points, and Roy Williams (2.5) was also nowhere to be found, leaving Dwayne Bowe (5) and Derrick Mason (9.5) as the top receivers. Add Frank Gore (7.5) to the list of disappointing running backs. Tony Gonzalez (9) caught a touchdown pass. Drew Brees (6.75) is at the front of the disappointing quarterbacks list.

It was over when... Terrell Owens went AWOL on Monday
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Thom is a Man-Whore - 106.75
Slick - 49.25

Game Summary: Tom Brady continued his reign of terror, but it hardly mattered with Andrew Slick demonstrating his inattention to detail. It was an easy 5-0 for the league's premier team.

Thom is a Man-Whore: Tom Brady (28.5) is quickly becoming this year's LDT, the surefire bomb worth a minimum of 22-23 points every week. Larry Fitzgerald had an outstanding game to garner 17 points, and Ben Watson (21) received some of Brady's touchdown goodness, overcoming the fact that most of Stem's remaining players sucked bananas. Chris Chambers, Jerricho Cotchery, Shaun Alexander (where the hell is he, anyway?), Kevin Jones, Greg Jones and Calvin Johnson were all worth fewer than six points, but still Stem reached the century mark behind his golden boy QB.

Slick: Slick had more important things to worry about than setting his fantasy lineup for the second week in a row, like tending to his kittens or getting a back rub from Zane Teilane in Macomb. Anquan Boldin was ruled out with days to spare, again, and yet Hansen made no effort to get someone new in the lineup. I don't think even the old owner of this team would want it back after seeing where the new owner has taken it. This isn't Yahoo Public #276895, is it? It's one thing to miss a game-morning inactive, but another to go with a guy ruled out in advance.

It was over when... Yahoo! installed the "drag and drop" concept to its lineup card, a new mechanism that has obviously confounded one of the VUFSA's ten owners.
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Tony Fucking Romo - 114.25
What's New Pussycat? - 63.75

Game Summary: Not really much of a contest here, with Baron hampered by byes to his two best players and relative ineffectiveness from a running back crew, including an injured Michael Pittman. Newest "it" kicker Nick Folk was about the only thing going for him, along with a surprisingly excellent performance from his backup QB. Tomke easily overcame bad play from his quarterback thanks to an ample supply of double-digit performers.

Tony Fucking Romo: Yawn. That whole Tony Romo lovefest is getting old, and it's surprising that Romo (7.25) was able to manage positive territory after six turnovers. Newly acquired Maurice Jones-Drew (16.5) had a big run to give Tomke a glimmer of hope after a series of misfortunes with his running crew, and Antonio Gates (14.5), Reggie Bush (12.5), Plaxico Burress (14.5) and even defender Jason Taylor (11.75) made for a balanced week of production that gave Tomke the league's third best score of the week. Randy Moss (3.5) had his first off week of the year.

What's New Pussycat?: Jason Campbell! The Redskins quarterback had a good matchup this week, but his 23.75 points has to be pleasing all the same. Not good: a combined 5.25 points from running backs Thomas Jones (4), Michael Pittman (1) and LenDale White (0.25). The receivers didn't fare much better, with Donald Driver (4) leading the charge. Alge Crumpler (1) continued to be disappointing in the Joey Harrington-led offense.

It was over when... Maurice Jones-Drew broke a 52-yard run to set the tone in a whitewash.
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Next week: In a battle of monster bye week harm, SexMbaye and Best Bear square off in a meeting with significant playoff implications. The Hulkamaniacs face a legitimate threat to its undefeated season against Madd Skillz. Slick and Pussycat engage in the first overall pick sweepstakes. Tomke will try to overcome the bye week loss of Mike Furrey as Champ provides a stiff test. Without Joe Addai, Frank Gore and Roy Williams.