Week 1 Preview

It's not football season yet until the Milwaukee Brewers are officially dead. Despite recent attempts to achieve that status, it remains my belief that the Brewers -- led by two of the fattest people ever recorded on live videotape -- will find their way into the playoffs before immediately being swept, courtesy of the New York Mets. Thus, it is with reluctance that I begin the NFL season, and I do so with the heavy taint (TAINT!) of baseball filtering through.

Bottom of the ninth: Phil Dawson's Dawgs vs. G-Rock's Horse Roids
Joe Nathan enters the ninth with a runner on and two outs, facing off with Mark Teixeira in a one-run game.

Drew's team should creep near the top of the standings this week, and a 7.25 from defender London Fletcher in the opening night game is a pleasant omen for a team that has a very nice receiving corps, two major boom potential running backs and suitable depth. Jerricho Cotchery doesn't get the pub he deserves, but with Love-Your-Anus Coles injured and a renewed emphasis on the pass in Jetsland, I have to think he could be a breakout star. Calvin Johnson could fit that breakout star mold as well, and you have to respect the solidness of Stem's team in most positions. Edgerrin James at San Francisco might be a wild card in terms of extra boost this week. Monday Night Thunder with Adrian Peterson will also be fun to watch.

Game-tying home run: CVS/pharmacy vs. ChamPeons
Derrek Lee hits a long fly ball to center field -- can Carlos Beltran make the leaping grab?

Except for Amani Toomer, pehaps the most damaging VUFSA mancrush since David Tomke's love affair with Tony Romo about two years before Romo became relevant, Champ's team is superb. A 1-2 running back punch of Joseph Addai and Brian Westbrook might even compete with Tomlinson-Jackson for the best in the league, and Marques Colston and Terrell Owens are top five receivers. Fred Taylor as a flex is a solid option, and Eli will struggle to keep up with Chris Perry in the same slot. While Eli will hope for bonus offense from Ronald Curry and Kellen Winslow, I think Marvin Harrison and Donald Driver are underrated by the yahoo points system. I don't see it being a blowout, but I see Champ on top.

Seventh-inning stretch: The Sports Hernias vs. Tom Waddle
Light-hitting but veteran savvy utility man Craig Counsell faces off with a healthy Rich Harden

Thursday night's opener was a good one for Hernias, with Plaxico Burress having a standout night despite no touchdowns. Meanwhile, Waddle's tight end Chris Cooley was too busy examining his flawless hair to do anything more than one lousy catch. Maybe it evens the playing field a bit, but Schillinger's team remains far sexier. Drew Bennett in a flex spot? It sounds like a disaster. At the end of the day, the team with two top-five running backs will always have an edge. However, with the new weight placed upon receivers, Radcliffe's trio will at least make this a close call.

Two-out double in the third: WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot vs. Who is Ron Mexico
Seeing their chances slip away, the entire St. Louis Cardinals roster charges the mound, where Gary Sheffield (and his bat) comes to the aid of helpless eccentric Kenny Rogers.

Solid-but-unspectacular starts from Tomke mainstays Santana Moss and Clinton Portis shouldn't damage his chances to have a very nice week, and potentially begin his ascension into one of the league's elite teams. The league's most talkative owner battles here with a cleverly-chosen team name featuring a hidden expletive (sort of), meaning this game is as much a battle of wits as actions. The fact that Tomke lacks wits will hurt. Essentially an expansion team, Welty is in a spot Tomke has been before, and he's not going to make much headway with the likes of DeSean Jackson, Robert Meachem and Brett Favre as starters -- though all could be big contributors down the line. Tomke isn't trotting out an all-star at every spot, but he should be solid enough to win.

Fans doing the wave: Tank Johnson's Pizza vs. Unending Hyperbole
Something's gotta give. Alexei Ramirez and Aaron Harang challenge each other to a dual of "Who's Uglier?"

Despite what I consider two very substandard teams, this matchup features a battle of two highly-skilled quarterbacks, and the bigger day at the top of the lineup could very well spell victory. Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning have both fallen a touch from their fantasy peak, but both could easily reclaim it, especially with weak opening-week opponents. I'll be interested to know if Ahman Green provides a lick of use to Viano, while Darren McFadden will be one of the most anticipated debuts across the fantasy landscape. Jabar Gaffney and Nate Burleson are also weak third-string receivers -- a touchdown by one or the other might tip the scales. I give the edge to McFadden, Burleson and Baron.