Week One Recap

"Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors." -- Frank Gifford

"Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck. " -- Don Shula

"Fucking respect the Lions, bitches!" -- Dave Tomke, prior to kickoff

The new football season has arrived in full glory, bringing us such touchy-feely moments as Aaron Rodgers' Lambeau Leap, Kevin Everett's return to the sideline, Jake Delhomme's harrowing final touchdown and Tom Brady's death. The VUFSA trotted out exciting action, including yet another epic close call, yet another depressing Eli Gieryna moment, and yet another soon-to-be disappointment for Dave Tomke.

It was a terrible week for receivers in general, as Terrell Owens (12.50) had the fourth-best total of any available wideout. Two unheard-of tight ends finished with better totals, and one of the three receivers who finished better didn't start in the VUFSA. That might explain why scores are low.

Let's run down the action, shall we?

Tom Waddle, 98.75

The Sports Hernias, 98.25

One can picture a naked Ed Schillinger, staring at the late-night television and rooting so hard for Selvin Young to stop what he's doing. Lights are off, wife is long asleep, and Schillinger is swearing on every carry. Radcliffe saved lots of Thunder for Monday night, including the league's leading tackler among kickers, but it just wasn't enough. Barring some last-minute Morris loving, The Sports Hernias will have to settle for a close call -- reprising the half-point outcome between these teams that went the other way in 2007's first week.

TW: Schillinger has to feel good with escaping via ugly means in a week that was obviously not his team's best. Donovan McNabb goes off for one of the week's biggest fantasy performances, and tackles by Andre Johnson and Vernon Davis prove to be the difference. LDT and Steven Jackson were essentially AWOL, but not nearly as bad as Santonio Holmes, Roddy White and Chris Cooley. Drafting Mario Williams pays huge dividends, as he scores 12 points. The question for Schillinger is what to expect from Ricky Williams going forward.

TSH: Not a great week, but probably not too far off from what can be expected. Modest performances by Derek Anderson, Anquan Boldin and Selvin Young might improve, but it's not good when Ellis Hobbs is the team's fourth-leading scorer. An early injury to Drew Bennett probably cost Radcliffe the points he needed. If Larry Johnson does not return to some semblance of his former awesomeness, it's going to be a long year.

Match MVP: McNabb. The league's third-highest score from a guy without his top two receivers? Terrifying. But who has Week 2 in the McNabb Injury Pool?

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Unending Hyperbole 110.00,

Tank Johnson's Pizza 87.00

When you consider that Andy Viano had the second-highest scorer in the league this week with Willie Parker, you can imagine how awful the rest of his team must be. Willis McGahee didn't play, and Jabar Gaffney went scoreless to hurt the cause, and Viano's defense somehow only combined for half a point. That's ... impossible? It's a fine win for Baron, who is trying to prove his naysayers wrong by producing the second-highest score of the week.

UH: Nothing came from quarterback Carson Palmer save for two measley points, so it's furthermore impressive that Baron shelled out such a high score. Big reason why: the highest scorer of the week, Michael Turner. The dazzling, record-setting performance was bolstered by big runs against a bad defense, so he probably won't go off like that again. But he certainly didn't appear overmatched as an NFL starter. Frank Gore and Hines Ward contributed greatly, as did Nate Burleson, but Baron is hurt by the latter player's season-ending injury. Question ahead: how do you fill that WR spot? James Hardy was a big zero in the flex spot, and Baron's depth at the position could force a roster move.

TJP: The zeroes in the middle of the scorecard really tell the story, even though Viano got above-average production from Peyton Manning and certainly Parker, who ran rampant. Neil Rackers is the third-leading scorer. Reggie Williams, Ahman Green and that putrid defense did nothing to assist the cause. The 87 points isn't going to be considered among the worst weeks ever, but when you consider 31.50 came from one guy? Ouch.

Match MVP: Turner is the no-brainer. He's on the radar as a fantasy stud, but everyone is going to reserve judgment until a meeting down in Tampa Bay next week.

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G-Rock's Horse Roids 104.00,

Phil Dawson's Dawgs 79,75

Few wins could be more hollow than this one for Andrew Stem, who produced a fine week but lost franchise quarterback Tom Brady for the season with an ACL tear. The good news is that Brady won't be on the injury report each week, now that he's on injured reserve. Stem did, however, back up his loss with the humorous smack talk "Tom Brady is a panzy."

GRHR: As with Baron, the team flexed its muscles this week despite not having a good showing from the quarterback. Brady only amassed 2.75 points before departing, so it was up to other Stem standouts like Adrian Peterson (16.50) and Thomas Jones (17.50) to shoulder the load. Double-digit contributions from Edgerrin James and LaMarr Woodley on defense helped ice the situation. The question for Stem: quarterback. Trent Edwards might have enjoyed a nice little day for Buffalo in week one, but nobody will take him as a serious fantasy threat. Brady's loss is obviously a serious blow to a team that could contend for the VUFSA Bowl title.

PDD: Terrible weeks from receivers Braylon Edwards and TJ Houshmandzadeh hurt Drew Wolf's chances, and nobody else provided anything shocking. Matt Hasselbeck, Marshawn Lynch and Jerricho Cotchery went to double digits, but nothing off the charts. Laurence Maroney and Ryan Grant stayed south of 10 points, a circumstance that might be worrisome since both are still relatively unknown commodities. Hey look, Derrick Mason.

Match MVP: Jones. A suprising side effect of the Brett Favre show in New York was a great day from the ground game. Against Miami, it might be a fluke. But if Jones remains a legit RB2, that's a serious boost.

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Who is Ron Mexico? 113.50,
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot 89.50

Good news for Tomke: his fantasy team is way better than his real-life team. Though not everyone fully clicked on the Tomkino's roster, plenty was there to ward off pesky Welty, who was hampered by an injury to Marion Barber when the Dallas RB was in the midst of a great game. The high scorer of the week (at 113, shows how the scores have fallen in the VUFSA) will now participate in excessive trash talking to belabor his temporary awesomeness.

WIRM?: Neither Tony Romo nor Randy Moss had dominant days, but Tomke has to like what he sees, particularly with Moss catching a touchdown from the new quarterback in New England. Torry Holt was "a useless ass-raping bitch," but Reggie Bush was "shit-ton awesome" and Dwayne Bowe and Kevin Smith gave double-digit efforts because Tomke "fucking owned you bitches in the draft." Outside of Holt, no player truly disappointed. The question for Tomke is whether or not that putrid Rams team will force Holt out of favor as a fantasy bet.

WTF: So much for Brett Favre being an unsafe fantasy quarterback. As it turned out, Favre was better than Romo, Brady, Palmer, Anderson, Roethlisberger and plenty of others ... though he was still playing the Dolphins. Chad Ocho Cinco is sadly back to Chad Johnson, and that obviously hurt Welty at the pay window. Wes Welker did nothing, Robert Meachem literally did nothing and Rashard Mendenhall had a blase debut. Barber was very good -- the best player in this matchup without even playing a second half. Earnest Graham was steady and could be a nice building block. Nobody can fault Welty for benching Eddie Royal in Week 1, but he comes away with one of the best receiving days of the week.

Match MVP: Bush. After a couple years of what most consider underperforming, Bush had a quality day against a team supposedly contending with New Orleans for the NFC South crown.

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ChamPeons 99.25,

CVS/pharmacy 82.00

I suppose it could be worse for Eli Gieryna's team, as at least all his components left their games healthy. But his team isn't really super. It's probably because he chose to anger Drew Wolf, who has influence with the football gods. Champ's team will be better than this when Marques Colston gets his head out of his ass, Joseph Addai plays a whole game healthy, and Todd Heap actually gains points. Having a two-tight end lineup (or anything featuring Amani Toomer) is doing Champ no favors.

CHAMP: Drew Brees (26.75) was awesome and a major reason why Champ pulled away. Brian Westbrook (22.00) did what he does, and double-digit performances from defender Lance Briggs and Terrell Owens sweetened the pot. Colston had a bad day, but will rebound, and Champ's defense overall was a very nice 23.50 points. Fred Taylor quietly had a bad day, which is another likely rarity. Without question, Champ's team has holes, but it's still so solid. Question mark is Joe Addai. If he's not healthy, that deprives Champ of his team's greatest asset -- the running backs. Then again, if Matt Forte is for real, then Champ has plenty in reserve.

CVS: There really isn't much here. Ben Roethlisberger probably did what one would expect, even in a blowout, and I feel similarly about Brandon Jacobs, Kellen Winslow and Roy Williams. Marvin Harrison, Maurice Jones-Drew and Donald Driver only combined for 11 points, however, which is concerning since two of those three are aging and the third is 4-foot-1. Ronald Curry should never out-perform them all. Is Chris Perry actually playing these days? Eli's team will have much, much better weeks than this one, I maintain.

Match MVP: Westbrook. Brees had the better point total, but Westbrook re-asserted how valuable he is in the fantasy realm. Brees has demonstrated a knack for the up-and-down, but Westbrook is awfully reliable.

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Week One All-Stars:

QB: Donovan McNabb (Schillinger), 30.25 points

RB: Michael Turner (Brendel), 34.50 points

RB: Willie Parker (Viano), 31.50 points

WR: Hines Ward (Baron), 18.00 points

WR: Reggie Wayne (Radcliffe), 15.00 points

WR: Terrell Owens (Whitlock), 12.50 points

TE: Anthony Fasano (Whitlock), 14.00 points

W/R: Marion Barber (Welty), 22.50 points

W/T: Randy Moss (Tomke), 12.00 points

K: Neil Rackers (Viano), 11.00 points

D: James Harrison (Gieryna), 16.00 points
D: Lance Briggs (Whitlock), 12.25 points
D: Mario Williams (Schillinger), 12.00 points