Week 2 Preview

Lilly Molina Collision

Here's a video clip of Ted freaking Lilly railroading the shit out of Yadier Molina. You know, just to get you ready for this week's football action.

On to the previews.

Phil Dawson's Dawgs vs. Tom Waddle

Dramatic narrative voiceover video promo: Ed Schillinger. [video of Ed's face] Drew Wolf. [video of Drew missing a layup while playing WVUR basketball] Valparaiso University [video of Rob Giancola eating chicken fingers in the Wehrenberg cafeteria]. One man left Walgreens. The other still works there. As a manager. [video of Drew smiling in the hygeine aisle] Now they meet. In fantasy football. [video of some shit exploding]
Current Yahoo! projection: Tom Waddle wins, 115.24 to 101.35
Tom Waddle rundown: Waddle has a few nice matchups this week, led by Santonio Holmes against an already-terrible Browns' secondary that just lost their best player. He should have a nice week. Donovan McNabb was outstanding in Week 1, but that was against a bad defense. How will he hold up against a Dallas team that can get to the quarterback? Also, will Steven Jackson be able to overcome a bad team to put up good fantasy numbers? Finally, how will Ed hold up as the Cubs continue to lose ballgames?
The Dawgs rundown: Ryan Grant has a dream matchup against the Lions' run defense, but is currently feeling a little gimpy. If he can stay on the field for 20-plus carries, he'll have a big day. Matt Hasselbeck has a nice opportunity against a suspect 49ers team, but unfortunately, Seattle will be starting Seneca Wallace and Mike Holmgren at wide receiver this week. The Dawgs could also be held down as Braylon Edwards, TJ Houshmandzadeh and Jerricho Cotchery all have difficult matchups this weekend. Drew will need big days from his running backs if he wants to avoid an 0-2 start.
Brad Evans is gay: Yup.

Who is Ron Mexico? vs. The Sports Hernias

Jeremy Bonderman Fact: Did you know that Jeremy Bonderman is the second-youngest player from the state of Washington to make the major leagues? The youngest is Larry Christensen, who played for the Philadelphia Phillies.
Current Yahoo! Projection: Who is Ron Mexico? wins, 106.56 to 105.44.
Who is Ron Mexico? rundown: Four of Tomke's players are taking part in the Washington/New Orleans game this weekend, so he is hoping for a high-scoring affair. It probably won't be, because Washington's offense runs a draw on 70 percent of their plays. Tomke's team does, however, have Tony Romo, who might be the best fantasy quarterback in football now that Tom Brady is done. Tomke will have an advantage in that spot most weeks, though Romo has a tough go of it this week against the Eagles.
The Sports Hernias rundown: JR is getting married really soon and probably doesn't care what happens to his team. Regardless, he has some holes, especially now that Mike Shanahan officially entered his "I'm screwing with fantasy owners" mood, after just one week and has made Selvin Young a committee back. We should just make it impossible to own any Denver running back. Someone always gets screwed. On the plus side, JR's wide receivers all have favorable matchups, so a blowup from one of them could give Radcliffe the edge. Antwaan Randle El in the W/R spot is ugly, though, I have to admit.

G-Rock's Horse Roids vs. Eli's Awful Batch of Pathetic Losers (it won't fit on Yahoo, all right?)

Did you know?: Eli is only owner of the Original Eight who has not made the fantasy football playoffs? Look for that to stay the same this year. Also, did you know that Stem speaks fluent Latin and uses it to get into the pants of Michigan undergrads? Carpe wang, bitches. True story.
Current Yahoo! projection: Eli wins, 114.93 to 102.63
G-Rock's Horse Roids: Obviously, the Tom Brady injury is a huge blow for Stem, as he has gone from a total stud to, well, Trent Edwards. Imagine spending the last few years sleeping with Scarlett Johansson and her suddenly dumping you, forcing you to quickly rebound and climb into bed with David Spade. Yes, the downgrade is that bad. Fortunately for Andrew, he still has some very useful, high-upside pieces in Adrian Peterson, Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald. Things could be far, far worse for him.
CVS/Pharmacy rundown: While this team name pisses off Ed and Drew, they would do the same thing if CVS approached them with a similar offer ($5 off my next prescription and a free soda). Anyway, Ben Roethlisberger should enjoy his day against the Cleveland secondary, and Brandon Jacobs could possibly kill several St. Louis defenders on his way to 400 yards and six touchdowns. Beyond that, meh. This team is mediocre. Much like this recap.

Unending Hyperbole vs. Brush Limbaugh

I can only hope: That Welty's team name is not simply a tribute to his status as a dental school student, but also a tribute to the fact that Rush Limbaugh masturbates with a shower brush while he has phone sex with women half his age. Or was that Bill O'Reilly? I think it was Bill O'Reilly now that I think about it. Ah well. The image is already in your head. Too late.
Current Yahoo! projection: Baron wins, 106.31 to 105.09
Unending Hyperbole rundown: Last week, Baron shoved it up all of our asses when Jared Allen absolutely went berserk for ... oh. Zero points. Forget it. Well, besides that, Baron did win and he had a pretty good week in doing it. Michael Turner looked great against Detroit, but we'll see if he keeps it up throughout the year against real NFL defenses. The return of Brandon Marshall will be another big boost to this team. He's really, really good. And Baron's team is better than we all thought.
Brush Limbaugh rundown: Wildy irreponsible early-season prediction: Jay Cutler will throw for 4,000 yards this year. He looked great last week against a defense that was actually pretty good against the pass last season. Welty also beat everyone to Eddie Royal, who won't explode every week, but should get plenty of looks in the Denver offense and be a solid -- but probably inconsistent -- third wide receiver. If Chris Johnson keeps carving out a larger and larger role down in Tennessee, Brush Limbaugh might have an outside shot at the postseason, which would have been unthinkable under Slick's reign. So far, that pick looks to be the STEAL OF THE DRAFT.

ChamPeons vs. ChesneysFirmButtocks

I am out of first-paragraph introductions: I'm sorry, guys.
Current Yahoo! projection: Viano wins, 99.92 to 99.74. Oooh. Close.
ChamPeons rundown: I think Yahoo is really under-projecting Champ's team this week. There are some concerns with his wide receivers, but now that Matt Forte is the undisputed lead back in Chicago, Champ probably has the best 1-3 RB depth in the league. Drew Brees won't struggle as much as people think without Colston. I think Champ should be over 100 points this week without much of a problem, and grab himself his second win of the year.
ChesneysFirmButtocks rundown: Maurice Morris' injury gives Julius Jones solid RB2 value, which helps Viano cover some of the depth issues his roster had after the draft. Jones might have a very solid week against San Fran. Peyton Manning will likely shake off the rust from last week and return to being Peyton Manning. Buttocks shouldn't count on Willie Parker to score three touchdowns every week, but he will still be better than people expected. Beyond that? There's nothing much else to write about. Except that I don't understand the new team name at all.