Week 5 Recap

It's funny because he's a sexual predator

Cover Tooth (2-3) 127.50
Stanzi Loves America (4-1) 109.25

What Happened: Kyle Orton excelled in place of Jay Cutler, and Weltys' WRs went off (48.5 between the three starters), holding off a pretty decent week for Stem. LaDanian Tomlinson had a nice game to stop any potential Adrian Peterson thunder.

MVP: Hakeem Nicks, who has been absolutely unstoppable 40% of this season.

Least VP: Lance Moore. It didn't impact this game much, but it's probably time to note that "every single Saints player" is no longer an every week flex option.

Brad Evans says, "A heavy, horrible week for the Stems, as they put their first pock in the loss colonnade. With a concussed QB heading into next week, Stem faces a Clooney-esque conundrum, as his status 'Up in the air' for an important matchup."

What it means: Welty hangs around in the playoff race, but more importantly, now it's Drew-Stem for sole possession of first place next week.

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Awkward Emoticons ;) (4-1) 115.50
1-800-222-1222 (1-4) 111.00

What Happened: Drew's starting QB scored one point and Baron could not capitalize, despite a huge Monday Night from Favre to Harvin. Terrell Owens keeps his tenuous grip on relevancy with 15.50 points.

MVP: The Broncos-Ravens game, which saw Brandon Lloyd rack up 20.50 points and Ray Rice 28.00.

Least VP: Mark Clayton('s patella tendon). Notched only 0.50 points, and took a nice trade chip away from Baron simultaneously.

Brad Evans says, "A billion people in China would love to have a RICE harvest as bountiful as Ray's on Sunday. The diminutive, darting, demon dominated a downtrodden Denver defense. Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive, Dodge! lol"

What it means: Drew moves into first place and is the first VUFSA team to cross the 600 point mark on the year. Baron sits alone in 10th.

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Marty Booker (3-2) 127.00
Suhssical (2-3) 96.75

What Happened: The Titans-Cowboys late game shootout pumped up both teams, with five touchdowns and 75 combined points. Philip Rivers and Miles Austin each had huge games, while Matt Ryan and Reggie Wayne did not keep pace.

MVP: Chris Johnson, who continues his one up, one down trend this year. (His point totals by week: 28.0, 3.0, 24.0, 3.5, 25.5)

Least VP: An unfortunate nod to Jermichael Finley, exiting because of injury without registering a point.

Brad Evans says, "Stone-Cold Miles Austin dropped the stunner on the gravity-challenged-water-fowl fan club. The lama of the long-run CJ2k did his damage on the short runs, piling on a pair of perfect plunges from a single solitary yard out"

What it means: Schillinger moves to 3rd at 3-2, while JR falls into the morass of 2-3 clubs. Too early for a game like this to register too much meaning.

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Stanton for Heisman! (2-3) 113.75
Stranger in the Alps (2-3) 85.00

What Happened: Apparently, Eli forgot to set his lineup. That's my only explanation for the point total. Dave finally got a solid day from Brandon Jackson, plus goodness from Midget Jones-Drew and Adam Vinateri.

MVP: Michael Crabtree, who's 16 point showing in the night game gave Dave some breathing room.

Least VP: Peyton Manning and his 7.50, but in his defense- he would have needed 40+ with Eli getting just two touchdowns this week.

Brad Evans says, "The dynamic Dallas duo of slick and slender Tony Romo to the hulking and heaving Jason Witten drove daggers down into the beleaguered souls of Stranger fans across the region."

What it means: Dave pulls himself back up into relevancy, moving into the five-way tie for 5th. Eli has to hope his team shows up next week, having lost three in a row since starting 2-0.

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Let My Monkeys Go (2-3) 85.50
ChamPeons (3-2) 102.25

What Happened: Malcom Floyd went off, and Joe Flacco outdueled Drew Brees-- but that didn't matter because Matt Forte buttf**ked the Panthers.

MVP: Forte, as his 30 points represent 29% of ChamPeon's total output.

Least VP: (tie) Anquan Boldin & Tim Hightower. 0.50 between them.

Brad Evans says, "Mighty Matt Forte prevents Brent from looking like CHUMPeon, as he surely would have for benching LeSean "Don't call me Bones" McCoy in favor of former Buckeye Beanie Wells."

What it means: Champ moves into playoff position, while Viano bids farewell to his two-game win streak.