Week 8 Recap

Hello? Anyone? ... OK then. To the recap, where I will steal Ed's recapitulation formula because I'm feeling a little sleepy today.

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GAME OF THE WEEK!!!

Let My Monkeys Go: 107.50
Cover Tooth: 98.50

What happened: This game had valuable playoff implications, as the winner of the matchup would move into the fourth and final playoff position, assuming the season ended today, which it unfortunately does not. Anyway, Monkeys came out on top here as Cover Tooth was unable to get past a couple of pretty terrible performances.

MVP: Jamaal Charles is a candidate here for his 177 yards of rushing on, like, one carry, but I'm going to go with Sebastian Janikowski who had 15 points to counter Welty's kicker, Dan Carpenter, and his 17 points. If Viano gets a standard kicker week here, he probably loses. 32 combined points from kickers? That HAS to be a VUFSA record, right? Someone get Elias Sports Bureau on the horn.

Least VP: We'll have to go with Carolina's David Gettis here, who followed up an 8-catch, 126-yard, 2-touchdown performance by not catching a single pass AND running backwards just far enough that he ended up in the red for the week. In addition, he pooped in the team water jug and gave Knowshon Moreno E. coli poisoning.

Brett Favre says: "Mmmrrfff mwwaahh my jawwww"

What it means: Big things for Andy, as he's won three weeks in a row to move into playoff position where he controls his own destiny despite scoring the fewest points in the league this year what the fuck.

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SLIGHTLY LESS INTERESTING GAME!!!

Stanzi Loves America: 114.00
ChamPeons: 98.00

What happened: Stanzi wins again to pull a game ahead of everyone else in first place. The loss pushed ChamPeons into 6th place on the season at 4-4. Stanzi was led by Calvin Johnson's three touchdowns, plus a nice day from Adrian Peterson. ChamPeons got a surprise 22 points from plowshare-battering-ram-plowshare Legedugarrett Blountnaanee or someone, but it wasn't enough.

MVP: Calvin Johnson, as previously stated. Supporting MVP goes to Steve Johnson, who keeps putting up good numbers in Buffalo despite no one actually knowing who he is, where he came from, or when (if?!) he was actually born.

Least VP: Marshawn Lynch, who rumbled his way to 7 yards on 9 carries.

Brett Favre says: "I had just gotten out of the pool, OK, so it was .... look, it-it's not like that all the time."

What it means: It means that Stem is in outstanding position for the No. 1 seed, with a one-win advantage over everyone else and a healthy points lead as well. Champ will be forced to climb over several teams in the coming weeks to get back into the playoff hunt. Giggity.

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I WAS PAYING ATTENTION A LITTLE BIT, I GUESS!!!

Stanton for Heisman: 115.50
Awkward Emoticons: 97.50

What happened: Dave, in desperation, was forced to start Matt Stafford at quarterback and he predictably -- wait, what? Matt Stafford had 33.50 points? Meanwhile, Drew got zero points from a starting running back and another stinker of a performance from Matt Schaub. All of that added up to a win for Dave. Bitches. Random note: Dave's bench scored exactly zero points this week, so kudos on excellent lineup construction.

MVP: Fat Jowls Matt Stafford, bitches. Sometimes just heaving the ball in Calvin Johnson's general direction is all that's needed to have a huge fantasy day.

Least VP: Chris Ivory, bitches, who had a tough matchup against the Steelers and came up with only a handful of yards before leaving the game with a concussion. When is there going to be an extended national conversation about all of these hard hits in the NFL and the damage they're causing?

Brett Favre says: "Wait, so this week my No. 1 receiver is Bernard Berrian?Aww man , I think my ankle hurts again."

What it means: Drew remains in second place, but is tied with two other teams at 5-3. He has a nice points lead, bitches, but he'll need to get more consistent production across the board if he wants to hang on to that playoff spot. Dave has a sliver of a chance at the postseason after this win and given how he finished last year, he'll certainly take his shot at getting there.

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THE TOYOTA ASS-BEATING OF THE WEEK!!!

Marty Booker: 127.75
Stranger in the Alps: 74.75

What happened: Ed scored the highest point total of the week; Eli scored the lowest point total of the week. Even still, Eli was only the addition of one extra roster spot filled by a mythical player who scores 53.50 points away from winning this matchup. No one performed spectacularly for Ed, but he got lots of good, double-digit weeks that added up. On the flip side, no one even performed remotely competently for Eli except for Peyton Manning, who is continuing yet another boringly-excellent year.

MVP: I'm going to go with Mike Thomas, because he has been a pleasant surprise this season and because his bemused headshot gives the appearance that the photographer farted just before snapping the photo.











Least VP: Brad Childress, for trading for Randy Moss, then not being smart enough to figure out how to use him, then cutting him, then getting fired, which hasn't happened yet, but it's going to.

Brett Favre says: "I want jeans that are tough. I'm comfortable in jeans that last. I'm comfortable in Wrangler. Real comfortable. Will your cell phone accept picture messages? Of my wang?"

What it means: The win keeps Ed right in the playoff race heading into next week's matchup against ChamPeons, where he'll have to deal with bye-weeks from Chris Johnson and Steven Jackson. And it means Eli is still looking for draft picks.

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A QUARANTINE OF SUCKAGE!!!
(I'm starting a new feature where the two teams that are relegated to the Quarantine of Suckage™ matchup only receive 10 total words in their writeup as punishment, similar to how the worst English Premier League soccer teams are dropped down to the second division after each season.)

1-800-222-1222: 94.50
Suhssical: 92.75

What happened: Baron won; bye week kicker.

MVP: Foster.

Least VP: JR Radcliffe.

Brett Favre says: Interception!

What it means: Nothing.