Week 12 Recapitulation

Well, things just got more boring in the VUFSA (obligatory league-self-deprecation remark: They got more boring? Is that even possible? Hee hee, harf harf).

With Champ's win over Dave, ChamPeons took a two-game lead for a playoff berth with just two weeks remaining. Given Champ's healthy point lead, he's unlikely to lose that spot. With Stem, Drew and Ed already clinching playoff berths, the playoff field is essentially locked up.

So, with that said, on to the recapitulation, the theme of which is not looking up any stats and instead making them up, because who's actually checking my work?

==============

Who is Ron Mexico? 90.50
ChamPeons 105.25

This turned out to be the most important game of the week, as a win from Dave would have put both him and Champ at 6-6. But hey, he didn't win and now here we are.

Champ didn't have any spectacular performances, though a rejuvenated Deion Branch put forth a pretty nice effort and Drew Brees was solid as always. As previously stated, Champ should make the playoffs barring a total collapse on his end AND some unlikely strong weeks from any of the 5-7 teams.

Dave was led by Louis Delmas' 29.75 points.

==============

Cover Tooth 112.00
Awkward Emoticons ;) 175.75

Whoa, Drew! Everyone's third-favorite Walgreens manager absolutely went off this week thanks to a couple of notable performances, including Tom Brady (35.25 points), Dwayne Bowe (97 points) and Vernon Davis (2 points). The high point total is notable in that it pushed Drew ahead of Stem in the points standings to give him an edge for the No. 1 seed, if that race would come down to it.

Also, Drew, you're welcome for Dwayne Bowe.

Welty absorbed yet another loss coming from an opponent with a high point total. He now possesses this year's honor of having the most points scored against him: 45,649.

==============

Stranger in the Alps 106.25
Stanzi Loves America 122.75


Every time I see Peyton Hillis celebrate a touchdown, I'm reminded of this.


Hillis' pre-game steroid/cocaine cocktail led him to 37.50 points this week and he's now the No. 2 running back in the VUFSA behind Arian Foster. To all of the owners out there who aren't even reading this and didn't want to trade for him and are just now inquiring, go choke on your previously-offered 2017 9th-round draft pick. Hillis now costs a literal shit-ton, plus $5,000.

But alas, I'm burying the lede here. Despite SuperGod's massive arm-flexing effort, Stem won in order to stay even with Drew at the top of the league. Aaron Rodgers, who the national media loves because he has as many career playoff wins as Jay Cutler, led with the way with approximately 25 points.

Additionally, the figment of imagination named "Steve Johnson" managed to blow the game for the Bills this week (despite not even existing) and made a 15-year-old Onion headline finally come true by blaming God for the loss. It was AWESOME.

==============

Marty Booker 88.25
1-800-222-1222 84.75

Despite Baron's homoerotic, Monday-morning smack talk that spoke of "needing" a man named Frank, Ed managed to pull through when Baron's object of desire broke his hip. In doing so, Frank Gore set a world record by becoming the youngest person ever to break a hip, clearing the previous mark by 46 years, which had been held by Prazsky Sedlakjehlickakladivotnik of Garamszentkereszt, Slovakia.

Moving away from frail and crappy to manly and badass, Andre Johnson scored 12.50 points for Ed and beat the living crap out of Cortland Finnegan, which made pretty much everyone happy because Finnegan is a Grade A doucherocket and getting punched in the face is now what he'll most be remembered for in his career.

The loss put Baron back into the slums and the race for the No. 1 pick in next year's draft, which carries with it the right to draft the next Ryan Mathews.

==============

Truly Fucking Awful 91.25
Let My Monkeys Go 87.25

I'm not talking about JR's team because he doesn't read this blog and he pissed me off by talking about how he wanted to lose, which is my shtick, damn it.

Andy, meanwhile, owns Jamaal Charles, who is awesome. Despite that, he's dropped 4 straight games and has fallen completely out of contention into VUFSA Purgatory which, I can assure you, is not as great as everyone says.

Therefore, in conclusion:


THX, THO...