"REMEMBER GUYS...NO ONE GOES 0-16 BUT US!"
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EPIC MONDAY NIGHT THUNDER!!!
Stanzi Loves America (7-3): 110.00
Stanton for Heisman! (5-5): 126.00
What happened: The Chiefs got their teeth kicked in, and Matt Cassel exploded for 38.25 points. Somehow that wasn't enough as Michael Vick scored 44.50 IN THE FIRST HALF giving Dave a thundering of biblical proportions, finishing with a VUFSA record 55 points. Stem's normally good RBs were pretty bad, with all three combining for 16.00 points. Maurice Jones-Drew topped that himself with a 24.00 showing.
MVP: Who the fuck do you think?
Least VP: CJ Spiller, who notched just one point and left early with an injury. Hines Ward (0.00) and Jason Witten (0.50) were also notably absent.
What it means haiku: Stem still in first place. Tomke has resurrected. Now three five-win teams.
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LESS INTERESTING THUNDER!!!
ChamPeons (5-5): 104.00
Suhssical (3-7): 96.50
What happened: Jay Cutler (23.50) did just enough to counter Matt Ryan's (32.00) huge Thursday. LeSean McCoy's early Monday touchdown pushed Champ ahead in the game and back into playoff position. Legadu Blount (15.50) led a very balanced effort for Brent.
MVP: Matt Ryan. Just think of how good he'll be after he loses his virginity.
Least VP: I'm starting to hate this category. Joel Dreesen (-0.50) I guess? Reggie Wayne's 2.50 probably hurts more when you weigh in expectations.
What it means haiku: Champ back in playoffs. JR continues rebuild. Poor guy, Joel Dreessen.
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MANNING VS. BRADY!!!
Awkward Emoticons (7-3): 130.25
Stranger in the Alps (4-6): 88.50
What happened: Peyton Manning would have had more opportunities to score had he been playing on the Colts defense against Carson Palmer. As is, he was completely outshone by Tom Brady (38.25 to 8.00) and that pretty much decided things. Brandon Lloyd (19.00) and Dez Bryant (12.50) cover for the very mediocre RB output for Drew. Dwayne Bowe and Randy Moss combined for 29 points for Eli, Bowe accounting for 27.50 of them.
MVP: Brady. HEY HAVE YOU GUYS NOTICED HE HAS LONG HAIR THIS YEAR?
Least VP: Kathy Brockdorf. Because I saw her exact look-alike at a gay bar I was at on Friday.
What it means haiku: Very good score Drew. Loses slight edge in tiebreak. Eli glad to lose?
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MOST TOTAL POINTS!!!
Marty Booker (7-3): 168.50
Cover Tooth (4-6): 106.00
What happened: Schillinger had a very good week all around, putting up the highest total in the league so far. Chris and Andre Johnson scored 17.50 each, and that tied them for 5th highest score in the Marty Booker lineup. Roddy White (24.00) and Knowshon Moreno (19.50) had outstanding games for Cover Tooth.
MVP: The Jaguar Hail Mary. With zero seconds on the clock, Schillinger got a double touchdown by way of the 50-yard miracle completion from David Garrard (27.00) to Mike Thomas (18.00).
Least VP: Kevin Burnett, some asshole defender who couldn't even be bothered to play this week. Also probably Kyle Orton and his 34.50 bench points.
What it means haiku: Tough week for Adam. Super high score for Edwin. Sure I'll suck next week.
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NO SUCKAGE THIS WEEK!!!
1-800-222-1222 (3-7): 159.00
Let My Monkeys Go (5-5): 96.50
What happened: Baron got a handful of double digit performances before the Roethlisberger (30.50) to Mike Wallace (22.50) explosion on Sunday Night. That propelled him to the 2nd highest VUFSA tally this season. Jamaal Charles (16.50) and Eli Manning (22.50) led the way for Andy. WAIT HOLY SHIT BARON IS FOURTH IN TOTAL POINTS NOW?
MVP: Jared Allen, who registered his fifth sack of the season and is now on pace for almost ten!
Least VP: Who cares. Whoever had the fewest points. Tony Moeaki and Jordan Shipley can flip a coin, they each had less than two.
What it means haiku: Andy falls to sixth. Baron stuck in the cellar? Not so fast my friend!
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2 comments:
I really fucking thought I had a good team this year.
Pierre Thomas fails, Shonn Greene fails, Jermichael Finley dies, Kenny Britt shows flashes then dies, Tom Brady grows out his hair.
And it hasn't even been that BAD. My defense has been awesome beyond reason, Matt Ryan proves to be a great pickup, I get the Daily Show back after I hemmed and hawed about keeping him (he dies, subsequently), Cedric Benson just about meets expectations, Reggie Wayne is good. Ahmad Bradshaw is one of the SOTD.
The worst part is I have no fucking idea what to do. I thought I had decent playrs and lots of depth, and yet my team is miserable.
I am in last place in two VUFSA leagues and also last in another fantasy football league. I'm starting to insist people refer to me as "Tomke."
It's been several hours now and I'm still waiting for JR's inevitable, "I'm just kidding; I don't give a shit" post.
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