Week 6: Blowouts in verse

This week was not worth any work at all, which is why I only did haikus for each matchup.

The Gompers 128.50, Curtis Conway 107.75

Not enough thunder
'Cept from Elvis Dumervil
Welty (jailhouse) rocks!

Ted Buckland Esq. 188, ChamPeons 125.5

No Peyton? Oh well
Understudy just as good
Eli's best ever?

Penguins From Hell 127, Jared Allen Forever 62

Greedy Tom Brady
Goes off for 50, and then
impregnates cheer squad

Stanton for Heisman! 138, Doc Brown's DeLorean 111.75

The Trainwreck Tomke
Takes a respite from sucking
Dreadlocks and Swamp Thing

Stafford Infection 123.5, MonkeyAssassinations 89.7

It's unusual
For Tom Jones to play so well
Bad joke. Really dumb.

Week 5: Kissing your sister

Oh yeah, I forgot. Why am I doing this again?

Penguins From Hell 106, Stanton for Heisman! 106 MVP: Austin Collie. The waiver wire pickup was part of a huge Sunday night for JR.

LVP : Joey Porter. All he had to do was find the box score -- one tackle would have sufficed -- to tip the scales Monday night. I kinda feel bad for Tomke, believe it or not.

Ted Buckland Esq. 136, Monkey Assassinations 105.5

MVP: Peyton Manning. Nobody has been better in fantasy football. Special mention to Michael Turner and his three touchdowns.

LVP: Pierre Garcon. Manning goes off on Monday night, but the sexy waiver wire choice from a couple weeks ago got none of the action.

The Gompers 133.25, ChamPeons 86.75

MVP: Ahmad Bradshaw. How did Bradshaw get 25.5 points? Big win for Welty, who gives Champ his first loss of the year.

LVP: DeAngelo Williams. Surely Champ is waiting for that explosion that made Williams a mega-star last year.

Doc Brown's DeLorean 137.25, Stafford Infection 91

MVP: Kellen Winslow. Donovan McNabb had a nice return to form, as well, but it's rare to get more than 20 points out of the tight end position.

LVP: Calvin Johnson and Jerricho Cotchery. Pair of injured wide receivers combine for one point. Lame.

Curtis Conway 147, Jared Allen Forever 67.50

MVP: Roddy White. Four players cleared 20 points for Ed, so it wasn't really a game that required an MVP, but White had the most points.

LVP: Baron's entire team. Derrick Mason and Chris Cooley combining for zero points is a good place to start, but Baron had three players in double figures -- two were defenders.

VUFSA Basketball Talk

(image via tall hot guys blog....really)


Discuss the following in the comments, or it will be implemented without your consent:

-Move to a total points, head to head league

-Move to ESPN.com from Yahoo.

Go.

White Trash Beautiful

I am not terribly interested this week despite scoring what can probably be considered an upset victory. We go to BY THE NUMBERS!

Jared Allen Forever 133.75, The Gompers 114.25

19.75 -- Points amassed by Baron's hero and mentor, Jared Allen, who also bagged a likewise number of bitches after smothering the Packers on Monday.

21.75 -- Points amassed by Patrick Wills, giving Baron an unquestionable league record for defensive output in one week.

4 -- Points by Baron's third defender, Stephen Cooper. What a dick.

3.75 -- Value by which Welty wins if defenders don't count.

130 or sub-90 -- The alternating-week pattern of Jared Allen Forever.

ChamPeons 89.50, Monkey Assassinations 87.75

23.50 -- Points for Steve Smith, the highest scoring receiver in the league. And it's not even that Steve Smith you're thinking of. Early candidate for VUFSA MVP?

2 -- Number of players reaching double figures for Champ, who nonetheless emerges as the league's lone undefeated team.

1 -- Number of times Braylon Edwards accosted LeBron James' posse this week. That value is more than the number of catches Edwards had this week.

5-2 -- Record of the Richmond Red Devils.

Penguins From Hell 115.25, Stafford Infection 110.75

29 -- Points achieved by Stem's Monday Night super duo Adrian Peterson and Aaron Rodgers. Not horrible, but just short of bypassing Mason Crosby (5) and JR's Sunday lead.

10 -- Number of points from Stem's superb foresight roster member, Glen Coffee.

0 -- Value of Darren McFadden, in general

2 -- Number of weeks Pierre Thomas has done nothing in the first half, only to carry JR's team with a second-half supernova.

3-1 -- Record of Radcliffe, one of the league surprises.

Doc Brown's DeLorean 120.50, Ted Buckland Esq. 98.75

8 -- Record for field goals in a game, something Ryan Longwell did not achieve on Monday Night for Eli.

15.25 -- Points by Darren Sharper, making him just the third-most valuable defender of the week.

25 -- Cumulative points this year for disappointing receiver Greg Jennings.

95.25 -- Points accumulated by Peyton Manning, easily the most of any individual player in the VUFSA.

Curtis Conway 125, Honey & Vinegar Realty 77

1 -- Number of players in double figures for Tomke, and Brandon Marshall's 12 stemmed mostly from one miracle play.

0-4 -- The record of the only winless owner in the league, Davisson Tomke.

19.50 -- Point value in a big-time bounce back week from waiver wire wonder Mike Sims-Walker, helping Ed's cause.

2 -- Surprisingly, number of running backs Tomke owns among the league's top 10 non-quarterback scorers in McGahee and Jones-Drew.

Week 3: Choice of a new generation

Down To The Wire Thunder
GWAR!! 106, Honey&Vinegar Realty 104.25

GWAR!!: Tashard Choice (17) became the big waiver wire pickup of the week (and one of the bigger ones in recent memory), as he rumbled all over Arlington on Monday night, and his two-point conversion in the final moments of the fourth quarter provided the factor Welty needed to tip the scales. Tomke can thank an injured Felix Jones for making Choice the only choice in Dallas. Jay Cutler also had a nice day for Welty's real team (23.25), but the problem was the void from everyone else. The ragtag receiver crew of TJ Whosyomama, Mario Manningham and Johnny Knox look to have nothing more than boom-or-bust potential, and Chris Johnson (10) was only a shell of his awesome self from a week ago. Still, Welty is 2-1 after a thrilling finish.

Honey&Vinegar Realty: Dave Tomke got a huge day from one of the league's premier fantasy running backs, Maurice Jones-Drew (32). DeSean Jackson (16) obviously had a very nice rapport with Kevin Kolb, and the return of McNabb shouldn't restrict the big-play receiver's future use. But how pissed must Tomke be at 0-3 despite having the fourth-most points in the league. Ted Ginn Jr. (0) is a useless turd. It also seems like bitchy karma that Matthew Stafford (17.50) had a bigger day on the bench that Tomke's prince, Tony Romo (12.5).

Gold standard: With Felix Jones possibly hobbled going forward, Choice could figure in the Cowboys plans even if Marion Barber is back at full strength. He certainly didn't hurt his cause Monday. Willie Parker (17.5) also had a but of a resurgence on Welty's bench.

Silver Lining: At least the Lions won. Too bad Tomke running back Kevin Smith was hurt in the contest.

The Drew Bennett Bowl
Penguins From Hell 109.75, Ted Buckland Esq. 105.25

Penguins From Hell: JR may have caught lightning in a bottle with Cedric Benson (13.50), who continues to put up very solid numbers with the 2-1 (and should be 3-0) Bengals. Tom Brady (17.25) and Reggie Wayne (15.50) had pleasant weeks, but the real story was Saints running back Pierre Thomas (24.50). The hobbled bruiser didn't have a touch in the first half and then rumbled for 126 yards and two touchowns in the second half. The entire matchup swung on that performance.

Ted Buckland, Esq: Steve Smith was dead quiet Monday night, which kept Eli from getting the necessary 9.5 points for victory, even though he had DeMarcus Ware and Smith to JR's zero players in the final game of the week. Outside of Peyton Manning (34), it was a pretty pedestrian week for the hilariously snakebitten owner, though Steve Slaton (9.50) finally showed signs of relevance in the Houston offense.

Gold Standard: Radcliffe is 2-1 but has some fortune to his credit, with the Monday night stinker by Smith and the Carolina Panthers seriously helping his cause. Also, the emergence of Thomas might convince the Saints to settle on him as their primary back once and for all, which would greatly aid Radcliffe's pitiful running back situation.

Silver Lining: Slaton needs to finally break out already, and he's on his way. Also, Derrick Ward may have finally reached that "simply too shitty to play anymore" role, with Joseph Addai playing well from the bench.

Winning Ugly is Still Winning
ChamPeons 96, Jared Allen Forever 89.75

ChamPeons: It's a pretty good team if two flashy fantasy studs like Drew Brees (4) and Terrell Owens (0) do virtually nothing, and a team still wins. An ultra-steady team of Devin Hester, Steve Smith (Giants), Matt Forte, LeSean McCoy, and Dallas Clark all finished between 11.5 and 14.5 points. DeAngelo Williams (7) wasn't especially helpful on Monday night, but Champ had the ingredients for a victory nonetheless.

Jared Allen Forever: It was not a good week for Baron, as Frank Gore (0) not only matched TO's shutout but also went down for a couple weeks. Now Brendel must decide whether or not to bid on Glen Coffee -- and how much? Lee Evans (3) wasn't much better than Owens, and Chad Ochocinco (4.50) was crummy even though Carson Palmer logged 16 points.

Gold Standard: McCoy is now suddenly part of a running back rotation in Philadelphia, which adds another option to the arsenal for the 3-0 Whitlock franchise. But who to start in a given week -- Westbrook or McCoy? Maybe neither -- Julius Jones also broke out on Whitlock's bench.

Silver Lining: We get to see the bidding system in full effect this week, with Coffee sure to be in high demand, but far more meaningful to Brendel's team. Mark Sanchez might wind up having trade value, and Kevin Walter is back (which helps with Felix Jones also incurring an injury).

What the hell is wrong with Ed?
Stafford Infection, 99.75 Curtis Conway 75.0

Stafford Infection: It really started and ended this week with Aaron Rodgers (29.25), who also had a pretty good performance (but not the one most people notice) heading into FavreBowl. Calvin Johnson (4), Larry Fitzgerald (7) and Adrian Peterson (9) (it always pains me to know he has such an embarrassment of riches) underperformed, but it was a week when Stem could afford it. Useless weeks from Antonio Bryant (0.5) and Beanie Wells (0) were likewise absorbed.

Curtis Conway: Ed's behemoth football team has gone from horrible to awesome and back to horrible, and this week the 75-point output comes with the consternation of lineup decisions. Sexy waiver-wire pickup Mike Sims-Walker (4 points) was one of the flex choices ahead of Knowshon Moreno (15.0), or Ricky Williams (14). His receiver triumvirate really let him down, with Andre Johnson, Roddy White and LoveYourAnus Coles combining for 13 points.

Gold standard: The Lions won, leaving Andrew Stem in a constant state of euphoria this weekend. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he probably got laid.

Silver lining: For Ed, LDT figures to return very soon, and Moreno's first career touchdown gives the notorious king of running backs just one more weapon.

Finally, Someone Beats Viano
Doc Brown's DeLorean 105.25, Monkey Assassinations 95.25

Doc Brown's DeLorean: Drew Wolf may never hit 110 points, but hit output was good enough to sneak past a feeble yet undefeated Viano team. Wolf's faith in Santana Moss (19) after two pretty bad weeks paid dividends, and Eli Manning (18.5) had a quality game in a shutout perforamnce. Reggie Bush and Greg Jennings continued slow starts to the season, but it didn't matter this week.

Monkey Assassinations: Viano actually had a pretty consistent week, getting solid outings from Kurt Warner (13.5 -- solid in a game when his team only scored 10 points), Brandon Jacobs (15), a resurgent Greg Olsen (10.5) and Pierre Garcon (12), who may never leave the starting lineup after a mini-breakout on Sunday night. Braylon Edwards (2.5) might be a lost cause.

Gold Standard: Wolf will get quite a bit better in the coming weeks, when Donovan McNabb returns from injury and Marshawn Lynch becomes active after a drug suspension. Not that Fred Jackson (10) has struggled in Lynch's stead, or Manning is a bad call

Silver Lining: The arrival of Garcon out of somewhat thin air is very promising, especially for an owner otherwise relying on injury cases (Dwayne Bowe, Lance Moore), a failed Braylon Edwards and a strangely-named Chansi Stuckey.

STANDINGS, FUCKERS
ChamPeons 3-0
Stafford Infection 2-1
GWAR!! 2-1
Penguins From Hell 2-1
MonkeyAssasinations 2-1
Jared Allen Forever 1-2
Ted Buckland, Esq. 1-2
Doc Brown's DeLorean 1-2
Curtis Conway 1-2
Honey&Vinegar Realty 0-3

Week 2: Lame

I lost this week, so I'm pissed. Also, there were no exciting games this week. So I'm blowing this recap off and doing a shitty job. Anyone who wants to do better can delete me and write their own damn recap. I hope Tomke dies.

Monkey Assassinations 102, Penguins From Hell 76. Someone want to explain how Viano can have the fewest points in the league and be one of only two 2-0 teams? My hilariously bad performance this week has something to do with it. Looks like the Cardinals aren't has bad as I thought -- Warner and Hightower combined for 36.5 this week.

GWAR!!! 148.50, Stafford Infection 94.5. The beauty of fantasy football is the opportunity for someone to have a monumentally good week or bad week regardless of how good the team is. Welty scored 72 last week and bombed Stem this week with more than double the output. Chris Johnson (45.5) was an absolute stallion. So...is Welty the best or worst team in the league?

ChamPeons 130, Doc Brown's DeLorean 89.75. The fact that Drew scored this much is awesome given how three pretty good recievers -- Santana Moss, Greg Jennings and Roy Williams -- combined for a hilarious 0.00. HOW THE HELL did Greg Jennings get a zero? Champ's logo looks an awful lot like a Saints helmet, which is fitting, because Drew Brees can carry his ass if he so chooses.

Jared Allen Forever 136, Honey & Vinegar Realty 88.75. I like Tomke being 0-2. What's with all the zeros this week? We got them from Jennings, Lance Moore, Wes Welker (late scratch probably irritated more than just Tomke), Zach Miller, and essentially Santana Moss (who was worse than zero). Frank Gore was pretty awesome for Baron.

Curtis Conway 138, Ted Buckland, Esq. 116. Eli falls to 1-1 (not 0-2; fuck you Welty) despite a pretty good week and Ed's curse-worthy new team name. Ronnie Brown and Andre Johnson went off for Ed, with two scores each, and Eli's week was pretty good if you don't count that Steve Slaton has been butt so far this season.

Week 1 Recap: Brees over Bitches

As long as I'm winning and happy with Fantasy Football, I can write recaps. When I get pissy, I will become apathetic like the whiny slut that I am.

This was really a week of surprises -- the top two teams in the preseason poll struggled mightily, including an ugly loss for the team ranked near the top. One game came down to the absolute wire, likely to leave the losing owner in a self-inflicted coma, in which he surely dreams of Lions, long hair and lube jobs.

Game of the Damn Week

ChamPeons 132.00,
Stanton For Heisman 131.25.
How painful it must have been to have the third-highest score in the league and lose to the second-highest by less than a point. Champ had to sweat out Monday night despite having the Quarterback Orgasm that was Drew Brees.

Thunder: Randy Moss was laughing on the sidelines near the end of the game probably at the small handful of catches Terrell Owens (3 points) had. Champ was not laughing so much as Wes Welker's output (10) nearly put Tomke over the top.

WTF?: Detroit safety Louis Delmas (12) gave Tomke some points where they weren't expected. Matt Forte (5.5) had a slow start to his breakout campaign for Champ.

Homer-eroticism: Tomke has three Lions in his starting lineup, and Champ has three Bears.
The difference: Brees. Even with Tony Romo (29) having a delicious day for his biggest fan, Brees (46.5) enjoyed one of the most successful days imaginable. Ed will probably need to consult the record books on this one.

A Decent Undercard
Penguins From Hell 127.5,
Doc Brown's DeLorean 106.5
Two teams that don't really figure into the title-favorite picture both hit triple digits, with some big outings from QBs leading the charge.

Thunder: The outcome was in doubt until Tom Brady (25.75) went on a late-game flourish against the Bills, picking up two touchdown receptions and finishing with Radcliffe's largest score of the week. Wolf enjoyed a big day from Fred Jackson (17.5), but Antonio Gates (6.50) wasn't enough to overcome Zach Miller (7) and Darren McFadden (5) in the late game.

WTF?: Chris Henry (0.5) barely played for Cincy, catching one lame pass. Radcliffe had to make some decisions regarding an injured-but-playing Anquan Boldin, and sacrificing Justin Gage and Heath Miller by Thursday limited the options. Santana Moss (1) and Brandon Marshall (3) made Drew's early WR returns look horrendous.

Battle of the Backs: How far has Reggie Bush fallen? In a battle of replacing Pierre Thomas, Drew got only 2.50 out of Bush, while former waiver wire specialty Mike Bell (11) went off for well over 100 yards.

The difference: Santonio Holmes. Most everyone expects the big days turned in by Tom Terrific and Reggie Wayne (19.5), but Radcliffe had a good start to the week when Holmes (17) emerged as a colossal threat for the Steelers.

A Bloody Whitewash
Stafford Infection 146.5,

Jared Allen Forever 77.5
The highest-scoring team in the league didn't even need a remarkable effort from Adrian Peterson (36.5) to make this a laugher. Five players reached double digits, while poor Baron had only two.

Thunder: As a last bit of cruelness, Stem's Nate Kaeding (6) outplayed Lee Evans (2.5) for Baron.

WTF?: Baron was already behind the eight-ball when an injury gave Anthony Gonzalez a zero, but the fun didn't stop there. Carson Palmer (3.25) had a miserable day at quarterback, one of the few among VUFSA quarterbacks. Stem, meanwhile, had the luxury of catching John Carlson (19) on a career day. Also, Jared Allen wasn't even worth a half-point.

AP Press: Quietly, Stem has developed an army of awesomeness by attaining inarguably the highest-rated running back (Peterson) and WR (Fitzgerald) in fantasy football. Calvin Johnson and Aaron Rodgers mgiht be top-three players at their positions, as well. Stem should probably be favored to win the whole league, in my opinion.

The difference: Stem set his lineup on time.

A Late Win

Ted Buckland Esq. 80.75,

GWAR!! 72.25
Eli didn't need much Thunder to overcome his childhood sweetheart Welty, and Randy Moss gave him more than enough. Welty, meawhile, was hampered by a series of terrible, terrible individual performances.

Thunder: Eli entered the night needing with a five-point lead, and that's hardly a slam dunk given the numbers in the VUFSA. But Moss (13) was up to the challenge and allowed Eli to overcome a decent night from Welty's Stephen Gostkowski (10).

WTF?: Steve Slaton (0.5) is supposed to be one of the top young runniong backs in the game, but that was not a very charming debut, with just 9 carries and 17 yards on the ground, plus a fumble.

Unbearable: Jay Cutler (4.75) had a hilarious debut and cost Welty dearly, and former Bear Bernard Berrian (0) was somehow worse. Really, Welty had some bad luck, as nobody could expect five points or worse from Eddie Royal (1), TJ Hoorayforboobies (5), Vincent Shankyourho (2.5) or Willie Parker (1.5).

The difference: Peyton Manning. Welty didn't have a single performance better than the 13 points from Marion Barber, and neither did Eli -- except for Manning. Through all the mediocrity, Manning was good enough to tip the scales.

Ed's Personal Hell

MonkeyAssassinations 87.50,

Devil's Avacado 77.5
If not for Phillip Rivers on Monday (14) and an unreal IDP performance from Osi Umenyiora (16.75), Ed would not have had any double-digit efforts. Just a spectacular failure across the board.

Thunder: Ed needed Rivers to find success in places other than Vincent Jackson, and that didn't happen -- Rivers (14) and Tomlinson (8.5) were not enough to overcome Viano's lead and output from Jackson (10). Ed's total of 65 heading into Monday night had to look depressing.

WTF?: Tim Hightower suddenly became a pass-catching machine in Arizona, finishing wtih a team-high 13.5 points.

Is the really Ed's team?: Stalwarts Andre Johnson (3), LDT (8.5), Steven Jackson (6), Ronnie Brown (5.5) and Loveyouranus Coles (0.5) all had bad weeks at the same time, and while Viano had some hiccups of his own (Braylon Edwards and Greg Olsen combining for 1 point), he at least had a handful of players with decent efforts.

The difference: Hightower, easily. He appears to have gained a key role in the Cardinals offense, especially when they are down. Then again, maybe that's not a wagon Viano (who also has Kurt Warner) really wants to be hitched upon.

Preseason Power Poll

Seven ballots returned, and I compiled all the comments. Here's your lazy-man's preview. I didn't really edit or proofread, so whatever. I couldn't be less inspired to write an intro to this. Anyway, here's what I

1. Devil's Avocado (Avg Rank: 1.3; 5 first place votes)

For shit's sake, I need to stop collecting the polls....Stephen Jackson should put up consistent numbers as the Rams focus more on the run... this season comes down to his running backs, especially LDT. Tomlinson has been a god in fantasy football, but he’s starting to show his age... Knowshon Moreno might pan out despite the immediate trade offer during the draft......I first thought that Knowshon Moreno would struggle with Kyle Orton under center, but it didn't seem to hurt Matt Forte last year...Andre Johnson and Roddy White are both potential top-5 wide receivers...I can't say I'm sold on any of the WRs from the draft.

2. Jake Utler (2.2, 1 first place vote)

I like Eli’s team a lot. He has maybe the best receiving corps in the league, top to bottom, and he’s got great talent at running back...Best QB situation in the league...Peyton Manning and Randy Moss probably would make any team a top 3 pick...Derrick Ward is going to be a critical piece to this team and his ability to generate holes without the Giants offensive line...Percy Harvin was another of my favorite picks this draft...he got the best player in the draft when Colston stunningly fell to him...Felix Jones was a great addition, since I'm not sure Joseph Addai will live up to his keeper status.

3. Champeons (3.2)

Outside of TO, I wouldn’t want any of his receivers...Pretty good group of RBs when Larry Johnson is your fourth best and on the bench...I think LJ was a very frivelous 1st rounder, and the WR depth shows why...Champ's keepers are ridiculous. But beyond that, there are some holes. Devin Hester seems like a really shaky WR2 and Chris Chambers looks like an even shakier WR3...He did smartly make sure to get LeSean McCoy, who's possibly the most important handcuff in football and protects against any Westbrook dings...I'm sure everyone else talked about the weak WRs, but we're kidding ourselves if you don't think Champ's QB/RBs will win him the eight games he'll need to get into the playoffs again and make everyone shit their pants.

4. Stafford Infection (4.0, 1 first place vote)

This was really close between Stem and Eli, but Adrian Peterson is the #1 player in fantasy football...I really like his starting line-up. But there's no depth at all and will need a perfectly healthy run out of these starters to keep up top in the standings...dislike Chris Wells (taken where he was taken)...Glen Coffee was a saavy pickup, since there isn't a ton of RB depth with Thomas Jones being what we think he is and Beanie Wells being glass.

5. Stanton for Heisman! (5.14)

Romo will miss TO, methinks. When Wes Welker is your #1 WR, you are in trouble...Midget Jones-Drew is one bright spot on this team, though. Now that he is the clear #1 back in Jacksonville, he could put up even bigger numbers....I really liked the Ted Ginn Jr. pick. Did a nice job of balancing his roster with established veterans and up and comers in all positions...DeSean Jackson is also a blossoming stud (no homo) and could give a great return on investment for that pick...We could very well look back and say that keeping Kevin Smith over the Saints quagmire is what made him an elite team this year.

6. Penguins from Hell (5.6)

If Brady is 100%, then JR could finish higher than I am projecting...I know Bears fans may not want to hear it, but Benson actually ran pretty hard for Cincinnati last year and he will get a majority of carries this year...Where did Pierre Thomas come from? Am I incredibly skeptical on this guy or is he a scouting report I just missed?...JR wet his pants after getting Pierre Thomas, and probably rightfully so. Thomas was the only RB1-type of player available in the draft, and I'm sure JR didn't think he'd fall to him...The key to JR's season will probably be how good Tom Brady is -- if he can't return well from his injury and struggles, his season is probably sunk. But if he returns to elite form, JR will compete for the title.

7. Doc Brown's Delorean (5.8)

Drew should have capitalized the ‘L’ in DeLorean. Just saying...Reggie Bush is becoming nothing more than a glorified 3^rd down back...Best TE situation in the league...Tony Gonzalez should work out nicely for the Falcons and Matt Ryan...Drew's team is almost impossible to project. Reggie Bush, Brandon Marshall, Roy Williams, Donovan McNabb and Ray Rice all have the potential to explode for huge years. They also all have the potential to be mediocre-to-crummy...Sleeper team that doesn't jump out in the rankings...The Eli Manning/Donovan McNabb duo has got to be the most talented tandem of QBs that you absolutely cannot trust.

8. Jared Allen Forever (6.2)

Starts 3 #2 WRs and needs some more premier help here....A questionable QB with a rookie QB backup...Starting RBs are fine but doesn't have any promising backups come bye weeks or injury. Does have Jared Allen, though...his WR core is good and Carson Palmer could have a nice bounce-back year. Turner and Gore are a great 1-2 combo at running back. Has some nice depth at the skill spots with Lendale, Donald Brown, Derrick Mason and Kevin Walter. Oh my God, I kind of like Baron's team...I like the Donald Brown pick in round 2 because it gives him a nice upside RB on a high scoring team...Great snag on Derrick Mason, leading to an all-around very solid team.

9. Monkey Assassinations (7.1)

Warner will put up numbers. He’s like 73 years old, though, and he could break a hip...Two stud RBs and a lot of questionable RBs. 1 stud WR and a lot of questionable WRs. Depending on how some of this talent develops, this could be a streaky team...I didn't understand the Kurt Warner pick at all, with that much other talent available in the first round...He's very thin at running back, with only two reliable guys (and neither Jacobs or Grant catch passes, which devalues them in this league)...I think the Greg Olsen pick was inspired...Shonn Greene looks like an amazing value w/ Leon Washington a little banged up.

10. GWAR!! (8.4)

Cutler has no one to throw to. Eddie Royal has no one to throw him the ball....That Denver-Chicago trade really hurt Adam's keepers...Chris Johnson and Marion Barber should be rock solid...If you are going to start two TEs, they probably shouldn't be Visanthe Shinacoe and Dustin Keller....Has some running back by committee issues with Chris Johnson and potentially Willie Palker...taking rookie WRs like Heyward-Bey and (especially) Juaquin Iglesias seemed like a shot in the dark...Royal and Houshmandzadeh are PPR monsters, good strategy...Extremely good high-upside backups on the bench in Norwood and Bradshaw.

Ten Tidbits -- Keys to Success

Honestly, I meant to put a picture of Rick Moranis up here, but none were suitable.

Yahoo has a feature called "keys to success" which lists the players that most frequently appear on 1st place teams in public leagues. I don't check regularly, but whenever I do, I rarely see Albert Pujols, A-Rod or Johan Santana. The spots are reserved for guys found at rare positions or at extreme values later in the draft. Also, anyone who just explodes beyond all expectations. Common examples from last year would have had to include Dustin Pedroia, Geovany Soto and Cliff Lee. Those three players could have been picked in the 14th, 15th, 16th round of our draft last year, and that kind of production added to your keepers/first couple rounders should equal a VUFSA Champion.

I'm going to take a look at our rosters and identify the one player on each team I believe will be the key for that franchise this season. If you win the VUFSA this year, it will be because of one of the following:

Joey Votto, Toothpick and Do-Rag. I admire Baron for showing restraint on the young Red first baseman. It would have been easy to target the talented Canadian early, but he waited until round 11 to nab a guy with 30 HR potential if he starts hitting more fly balls. As long as Dusty Baker can avoid convincing the Reds to sign Gary Sheffield to play first base, expect a lot from Votto.

Justin Upton, Big Z's Mustache. Eli professes to have drafted him too early, but that may not matter if the other Upton brother produces near the potential that made him the #1 pick in his draft. He doesn't have near the speed of BJ, but has more power and improving plate discipline.

Francisco Liriano, P. Bako Experience. Not many keepers on this list, but if Stem is to hoist the trophy at the end of the season, I would imagine that Liriano would have to absolutely dominate bitches all year. He showed flashes of his previous flashes of greatness last year, but was an overall disappointment in '08. If he churns out 200+ Ks with ratios below 3.20 and 1.15, Stem's in business.

Johnny Cueto, The Human Fund. I was tempted to go with Alexei Ramirez here, but he's already got a 20 HR season behind him plus is going to be expected to produce in the bandbox that is the Joan. Cueto, on the other hand, started out great last year and had a great stretch in August before mostly sucking in September. Subpar overall numbers and the threat of overuse forced a pretty talented guy into the 10th round.

Yovani Gallardo, Wangs on First. Dave's starting pitching is definitely his weak spot, so if he has success, someone on the pitching staff has to step up. This Brewers ace had to put his breakout season on hold due to an ACL tear, but returned late in the season and looked good in limited action. The Brewer offense is still pretty good, so Gallardo and his high skill level should produce ace-esque numbers for Tomke.

Joba Chamberlain, Mark Grace. This is the reverse of the profile above, a late round value or breakout candidate. Joba was taken in the 3rd round (wtf, me?) and as a result will have to produce at a high level as the Yankees #5 starter to make sure Schillinger didn't waste a pick on a hype guy. If he translates his RP success to the rotation, it could mean big things.

Hunter Pence, American Idols. A keeper last season, Pence started slow and never made an impact in the VUFSA. He's got major pop in his bat, and decent speed. His OBA was abysmal last year, mostly due to a BABIP correction. Outside of that, he can be a four-category contributor, and has the potential to push some key offensive categories Drew's way in what will be a vicious cockfight to the top.

John Danks, Lumberjerks. The preview mentioned that Champ has quite a few fragile pitchers on the roster, so a young and to this point healthy budding ace will be key for Mr. Whitlock. John Danks went in round nine despite a 12-win season wtih 3.32/1.23 ratios. A bump in wins and a few more Ks would make Danks a near-elite hurler and do wonders for Champ.

Justin Verlander, Flaccid Weiners. The pitching on this staff is weak. No one denies this. A near Cy in 2007 was followed by an ineffective 2008. Verlander didn't miss any time last year, but we have to speculate that there could have been a hidden injury holding him back. He's got potential for 15 wins and 180Ks with a 3.60/1.25. Actually, check that- it's not potential, he's performed at that level since he came up, excluding last season.

Matt Wieters, Tomke's Asian Momma. He represents an ultimate gamble, a minor-leaguer gone within the first 130 players spoken for. That said, when he gets to the majors, if he can hit like everyone in the world says he will, JR has a huge advantage- basically Joe Mauer with actual power.

The 2009 VUFSA Preseason Poll and Preview

1.) Mark Grace:

The champion of the VUFSA starts at the top of our season preview, pretty much a de facto preseason pick to win it all after dominating the last two season. But perhaps our commish is getting a few too many votes based on past success than current merits?

One owner: "I feel like it's only fair to rank Ed first, given his rampant success in the last two seasons. There are other teams that have as much talent, but Ed gets the nod because of his past success."

Another owner: "Edwin has had the best team in the VUFSA for two straight years, and I think he has it again this season."

Yet another owner: "Edwin can kiss my ass."

Nonetheless, this team indeeds bleeds talent with big names like Johan Santana, Mark Teixiera, Ryan Braun, and David Wright.

Santana alone ensures a decent pitching finish, but Haren is also a steady presence.

Ryan Doumit just fell into Edwin's hands, Teixiera is bound to have a big year in a big line up, David Wright may be the best all around player in fantasy, and Corey Hart, a 20-20 players is the worst outfielder. Not too shabby.

There are a few weaknesses along the mighty locomotives Ed has assembled the last two years.

He does have some uncertainty at the middle infield positions, but most people are in the same boat, given the lack of quality there.

Uncertainty at 2B, with a rotation of unproven talent at UTIL and only one real closer. A lot of ordinary starters after Johan.

The middle of the infield is not quite Edwin-caliber. Troy Tulowitzki and Rickie Weeks combined had 21 homers, 20 steals, and a sub .340 OBP.

Overall, we are being picky, and Mark Grace boasts a talented roster with a savvy owner. He'll probably have the league locked up by mid-May. I would suggest next year if he is going to top the rankings to pick something more visually pleasing than Mark Grace to, well, grace the VUFSA page for the next two months.

2.) American Idols

The trendy team comprised of males and females looking to make a splash in the music industry have survived the dreaded elimination and are touring into the VUFSA. Enough of the cheesy intro, onto the comments.

I think Hunter Pence is the guy who can swing the season one way or another for Drew, w/ 90/25/100 potential in the counting cats. For some reason, I have reservations about each of the two kept pitchers, but would take them over anyone I have in an instant. The big.worry on the pitching staff is regression from Cliff Lee and Ryan Dempster, which is absolutely going to happen. That said, they were drafted at a good enough value.

Adrian Gonzalez hit 36 homers in a pitchers park, Ian Kinsler has no weaknesses, Hanley Ramierez has to regress because his numbers were off the charts, and A-Rod has been solid for so long that a mere month off is nothing. The outfield isn't quite as good but if Milton Bradley and Vernon Wells get 500 at bats, they could have big years. I still think Jack Cust a 33 HR, .375 OBP guy in a line up with Matt Holliday was his best value pick. No one wanted to draft Cliff Lee, but with everyone thinking last year was a fluke, he became a good pick when the next 10 pitchers beneath him were off the board. Dempster and Lilly are solid, and a bounce back year from Smoltz makes this a real nice group.

Drew's team is ridiculously top-heavy in talent, though A-Rod's injury puts a little bit of a damper on things for a few months. The two studs at the top of the rotation, plus the arguable No. 1 player in fantasy baseball, will make the team competitive at the very worst. At its best, it could take easily take the title. Cliff Lee's 2008 season wasn't as flukey as some people think and I also liked the late-round gamble on Milton Bradley. My one quibble is that the roster lacks the breakout potential of some other teams -- most of the players are more established, so we probably know what we're getting (this could be good or bad), and there are a few dudes set for a regression. Even still, this is a good club.

3.) Big Z's Moustache

Will Eli's run of football disaster spread into baseball or will this talented team take the baseball crown? The experts weigh in.

Best avatar hands down. So long as Pujols' shoulder doesn't snap this season, I see big numbers from this line-up. I think Edwin Encarnacion is one of those sleeper picks where another year's maturity coupled with a hitters' ballpark might bump up those solid 26 homers to the 35, superstar range. I'm still pissed that I missed out on Bobby Abreu who after getting lost in the New York circus will have just as many offense opportunities in California (dude was 100 runs, 100 RBIs, 20 homers, and 20 stolen bases last year!). Sibling rivalry! Uptons in the outfield! Might be a starter short at the moment, but with a base of Webb and Halladay at the top of the rotation and young guns Billingsley and Nolasco taking key roles, I think this team will contend.

Eli's got breathtaking offensive potential with the two best RBI guys in baseball. Toss in 100 steals from two players and that's possibly the best balance on offense in the league. Pitching is good enough to win league.

Also, Elijah Dukes.

4.) Tomke's Asian Mama

The author of The Trampoline Bear looks to bounce into the money standings with a line up boasting of two Cleveland Indians on the bench. Tut tut, that's no way to win Radcliffe.

I'll give him an edge in Speed and Saves. All four OFs should steal 20 bases minimum, plus Jimmy Rollins. Needs more depth at the bottom of the rotation, with Kershaw being 21 and Jeremy Guthrie being below average. Roy Oswalt a nice pick.

We should probably start with the elephant in the room and talk about the catcher situation. I like to read fantasy baseball previews more for the fact that it's finally time to start talking about baseball than any enlightening revelations that come of it. But, this year the majority of conversation revolved around Matt Wieters who everyone thinks will be great, who everyone also expects will have a severely reduced number of at-bats due to starting the year in the minors. I can't say I'm such a fan of Wieters who hasn't proven anything and can't contribute to a major league level, but I do see the case to be made for drafting him. The only other catcher on JR's roster is a backup, so the sooner Wieters can make it to Baltimore's roster the better. I'm also not a huge fan of Chipper Jones who can now be described as brittle. What I do like are value picks Carlos Pena, Travis Hafner, and Alex Gordon. None were taken exceptionally high and all could have big upside. This team is at least one if not two good starters away from being really really damn good, but the overabundance of potential on the offensive side could be traded to compensate for what would be defencies in wins and K's.

I feel like JR had the strongest draft of anyone. Love Chipper; love him getting Oswalt where he did; LOVED the Black Chris Young pick in round 48. The offense is balanced across all categories and if Matt Wieters gets 400 at-bats anywhere nears his projections, it's going to have a huge effect. I think the starting pitching is a little thin with only four truly reliable starters, but it's still top-heavy enough to compete in those areas. He also got good value by waiting on closers, which let him shore up some depth in other areas.

5.) Toothpick and Do-Rag

I wish I knew what this team's name referred to, but my culturally uncool self have no idea. Therefore, I have no cutesy introduction for Baron. The comments.

I know, right? Baron at 5? But looking up and down his roster, I was actually impressed. There aren't too many glaring holes (though he's lacking a bit in power categories), and he also has some good upside-type players (Scherzer, Bruce, Greinke, Votto) that came at a great value. I also love Javy Vazquez this year. I do not, however, like Edison Volquez. Dusty's going to destroy him. Also, if just a few things go wrong for him here, Baron will end the year with 3 total saves.

Baron has his beloved Reds littering the roster. Either Jay Bruce or Joey Votto or Edinson Volquez would be a fun prospect project, but I worry that leaning on all three of them to be a #2 OF, a Utility starter, and a #1 starter might be asking too much. The bullpen is incredibly weak, just one starter has over 100 RBIs, and not a single player had more than 30 homers. I actually kinda like the Derek Jeter/Yunel Escobar SS situation because as much as Jeter is ragged on, he still puts up solid numbers with Escobar being a wild card. Not sure I get carrying two catchers, especially after thinking of one so highly that one was kept, but hey whatever.

Despite some very nice RBI potential, lacks a true HR threat, and has some guys that are black holes at that spot. Love the Votto pick, and he could break out and play at a keeper level this year. Baron has to be punting saves, which isn't an awful idea, assuming that he will be active enough to work the wire. Greinke/Shields/Vazquez gives him a good staff, but no one good enough to carry him. I don't think Gavin Floyd will be roster-able by the end of this season.

6.) Bondomination

Tomke graced us all with his presence for the draft after lazily getting out of bed at 1:29pm CDT after a night of drunken debauchery and indecent stool samples. A proud moment for everyone.

I'm ranking Tomke pretty highly but this is taking into consideration that the does set a line-up at some point and that the Kenji Johjima joke ends sooner rather than later. Kaz Matsui is rather uninspiring, too, now that I think about it. Enough of the negatives, the outfield has a nice mix of speed (Granderson, Crawford) and power (Hamilton, Quentin). The bullpen is really strong (K-Rod, Soria, Valverde) with two top flight closers. Perhaps most telling of this team will be how starting rotation recovers from an injury filled 2008 (Gallardo, Johnson, Bedard, Duchscherer).

Hahahahahahaha, Jeremy Bonderman! That's still so, so funny, even after all these years. You know what else is funny? Sleeping until 2:30 when you're an adult and telling elaborate stories about pooping to nine other people. The offense has some good players, the pitching pretty much blows outside of Gallardo and I hope this team fails.

A TON has to go right for Dave to even compete across the board in pitching, but he will absolutely rape us all in Saves, and his ratios will benefit from the outstanding bullpen he assembled. This is the best OF in the VUFSA, plus David Ortiz, which means he'll be in contention enough to make one trade too many, something along the lines of Josh Hamilton and Joakim Soria for Miguel Tejada, Bobby Jenks and a 10th rounder.

7. (Tie) Lumberjacks

So very much hate for Tomke, and yet lots of love for Champ. Who doesn't love Champ? Well, several preseason pundits who have him under Tomke in the standings. Ha. Under.

I like Champ's pitching rotation, provided they stay healthy of course, which of course is a big of course. Did that make sense? Harden, Burnett, and Beckett stand to win a lot of games and strike out a lot of guys, but will we really see all three of them pitching in September when Champ would be looking to make a push for money position? I also really like Champ's outfied which is a nice mix of superstar (Soriano/Manny), solid role players (Ibanez and Burrell), and young potential (Kemp). Not crazy about Tejada/Cantu in the infield.

Champ has some big-time offensive firepower with Manny, Fielder, Kemp and Soriano, plus positional scarcity guys like Soto and Pedroia. Love the offense. He also has a potential 60-steal guy sitting on his bench that he can slot in to help bolster that category. Buuuut, I don't like the pitching as much. Beckett will be good, but Harden is obviously an injury risk and Dice-K will probably disappoint. Not much to like across the pitching categories and that'll likely weigh the entire team down.

I don't think anyone realized at the time, but Champ's first 8 picks were all pitchers. Not just that, but no one would blink if you labeled Beckett, Harden, Burnett and BJ Ryan as "injury risks." That's a high price to pay for uncertainty. Couple that with the fact that the most reliable guy in that run is Dice-K, and I think Champ's pitching is dooooomed.

7. (Tie) The Bako Experience

In the mini-poll conducted, no team received so many wild predictions as one, Mr. Andrew Stem. Some rated him as highly as 5, others as low as 10. Great disagreement!

The good:

The All-White Outfield should produce 110 HRs and almost 400 RBI. The power potential is there- and though Chris Davis was a reach, he's got uber-potential. I don't know where the steals are going to come from, however, and that could cost him about 5 points. The pitching has loads of health concerns but is oozing with talent. Brian Fuentes was the best value at closer in the draft, easily.

The bad:

Stem brings an interesting team to the table that could possibly contend if a few chips fall the right way. For starters, Chris Davis has to come out as a superstar right away. Placed at 1B which is the fantasy equivalent of a mandatory 30hr, 120RBIs to compete, it could happen or it could be a tough second year for a player getting his first full season in. Ramirez, Phillips, and Peralta round out a solid infield. The outfield is a slight step down from the infield, but the numbers are there with guys like Dunn providing power, Werth speed, and Hawpe OBP. I also like the Dejesus and Soo Choo bench as both players could see some playing time with Stem. The gaping hole comes in steals as no one had more than 24 last year, and only two players had above 20. For all the posteason heroics, David Price threw only 14 innings last season, but it's hard not to like him. There's just something historically wrong about having a SP1 and an SP2 be Tampa Bay pitchers. Liriano will need to look more like Johan and Huston Street will need to actually be the closer in order for the pitching numbers to stay up to par. Overall though, I am amused at this squad.

The ugly:

Will finish last in stolen bases. Chris Davis and Jayson Werth were probably taken too early. Worst of all, there's a chance that none of his top four starters will throw 150 innings this season. Stem is the nicest guy in the world, but his fantasy baseball team is not going to be very good.

9.) The Human Fund (tie)

Adam Welty in his second year in taking over a decimated franchise graces the bottom of the poll much like his predecessor. Hey, nowhere to go but up, right? And at least he paid his dues on time, which I deemed to be the tie-breaker moving him ahead in this preview article than another team for which he tied with for the last spot.

As I watched Adam's draft unfold, I was thinking that the team would end up looking really, really ugly, but the results weren't quite as ugly as I anticipated. He'll get reasonable-to-good production from all of his infield spots and he has a handful of useful outfielders. I also like his three top starters quite a bit. Unfortunately, he kind of forgot about drafting closers, and that'll hurt. Overall, the team has some solid talent, but it lacks the depth that other teams have.

[I'd pick him] last if Cole Hamels' elbow is at all serious. He's got a history with arm trouble, which could poison the club for years considering his cost. Is rebuilding again this year, and to his credit loaded up w/ keeper-level potential in the draft. Morneau, Ludwick and Zambrano are already proven players (maybe not so much Ludwick) and Johnny Cueto, Alexei Ramirez and Stephen Drew all have big-time talent.

From top to bottom this team has unassuming, middle of the road performers. Justin Morneau was that really good 1B who was good at his position but not good enough to keep. Stephen Drew was that prospect SS who should come into his own, but still has an OBP where his batting average should be. Carlos Lee is that fantasy stud from season's passed who only has 436 at bats last year. Nick Swisher and Carlos Gomez are great role players pressed into a critical starting position that have to perform. Matt Cain, Jon Lester, and Francisco Cordero are again nice players to round out a roster, but we're talking about SP #2, SP #3, and RP #1. In all, I don't dislike this roster, but it's grossly lacking of superstar caliber talent.

9.) Flaccid Weiners (tie)

Viano being MIA, perhaps due his addiction to cell phone urination, had the honor and privledge of having Baron pick for him via the almighty Yahoo Rankings. Well, look where that got him in the preseason poll. Eh.

Viano pretty much got screwed by having to have his draft done by Yahoo rankings. This pitching is awful, and he only has 1.5 closers. Could be a rough year.

The offense is very good- with Figgins, Victorino and Rios stealing bases and a nice power boost from Jermaine Dye. I think Jason Bay has a huge year. I think the pitching, though weak, is good enough. He'll compete in saves, and do well in Ks. It's up to Felix Hernandez to step it up on this roster and be a real ace for once.

Handicapped by a mysterious disappearence that smelled of apathy on draft day, Viano has the unfortunate circumstance of the position players always ranking higher than pitchers when his pick came round. That in turn led to a lopsided roster with 3 1B eligible, 3B eligible, and 2 C catcher eligible players and a starting rotation whose best win performance from last season was Mike Pelfrey (13). Furthermore, the bullpen has starting positions reserved for two underwhelming closers in Brian Wilson and Chris Perez who I can see both not having the position at season's end. As for the line-up, Viano needs Joe Mauer to be healthy to keep Victor Martinez in the Util spot as I'm not sure that two Seattle Mariners (Beltre, Lopez) with .OBPs sub-.330 are going to provide enough of anything in a starting rotaiton.