Week 8: JR Takes a Break

NASHVILLE, TN - Maurice Jones-Drew of the Jacksonville Jaguars steals a special moment with Vince Young of the Tennessee Titans after a 30-13 loss to the Titans at LP Field on November 1, 2009 in Nashville, Tennessee before the pair went out for dessert crepes and blushed wine. (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

Curtis Conway 124.25, Penguins From Hell 113.50
JR celebrated the death of his blog by losing to Ed in the week's highest-scoring game. Despite the loss, JR is still out in front with Ed up right behind him. /gay connotations

Conway was led by Steven Jackson, who finally found the end zone, only because he was facing the Lions. Roddy White and Miles Austin, potentially the waiver gem of the year, had nice weeks for Conway. LaDanian Tomlinson turned back the clocks, points-wise, but in reality, still kind of sucks as he averaged three yards per carry. Julius Peppers also went crazy.

The Penguins got nice weeks from Reggie Wayne, Pierre Thomas and Tim Hightower, but the roster also received a firestorm of suck from Donnie Avery, Anquan Boldin and Mike Bell. Boldin probably isn't healthy. Neither is the fact that I'm spending more than two minutes writing this recap.

The Gompers 102.75, Doc Brown's DeLorean 97.75
Am I supposed to know what a Gomper is? Why did Drew pick 2009 as the year he finally went with a movie reference from 1985?

Welty won almost entirely because Chris Johnson is awesome. Beyond that, there wasn't a whole lot to be excited about, as his kicker nearly had the second-highest output on his team. It's impressive, in some fashion, to get a win while only receiving 6.50 total points from three starting wide receivers. But yes, Chris Johnson is freaking awesome and that's enough sometimes.

Drew started a Cleveland Brown against an angry Chicago Bears defense, and that ended in a predictably sad fashion. However, with most of his roster on a bye week, his options were limited. Tough loss from Drew as it dropped him to ninth place, where he'll face a tough climb to try and make the playoffs.

Stanton for Heisman! 110.50, Ted Buckland Esq. 90.50
Tomke's team is quietly (though that's probably a stupid way to put it, since no one actually talks about the VUFSA publicly, loudly or frequently) putting together a nice run, and may have an outside shot at a playoff spot if the run can continue. It probably will, since he faces an Adrian Peterson-less Stafford Infection next week. Maurice Jones-Drew was awesome this week, as was Tony Romo.

Ted Buckland sits at 4-4; with Randy Moss and Hines Ward on bye, and Steve Slaton and Owen Daniels leaving their game in the 1st quarter, it probably wasn't going to be a good week. Yay for Michael Turner, or something.

ChamPeons 127.75, Stafford Infection 104
Running out of steam quickly here. ChamPeons finally got a good week from Matt Forte, even though on-field, real-life Matt Forte wasn't all that good. Robbie Gould!

Stem could be in trouble, sitting at 3-5 and facing a week where he'll be without his two starting running backs. On the plus side, John Carlson caught three passes for 36 yards. Aaron Rodgers also continued his ascent into top-5 fantasy quarterbackdom. Note: In my mind, there are like eight or nine top-5 fantasy quarterbacks, which is technically impossible but makes for easier writing.

Jared Allen Forever 114.75, MonkeyAssassinations 70
Even though Mark Sanchez is mostly terrible, he performed like a top-5 quarterback this week while filling in for another top-5 quarterback, Carson Palmer. Frank Gore had a nice week against a poor Colts rushing defense. Baron is 4-4 and no one cares.*

After a 2-0 start, Viano has lost six straight games. Vincent Jackson is a very good football player.

*I must throw Baron a bone here and note that Jared Allen is the highest-scoring defender in the VUFSA by a fairly large margin.

Anyway, that's all. This was a lot of fun.*

* No it wasn't.

Happy Halfway, Bitches

We are at the midway point, where my Penguins From Hell have flexed their dominance despite scoring a point value that should make me a bordlerine playoff team. What can I say? The rest of you suck.

It's time for our first half All-Stars!!!

First team:
QB: Peyton Manning (25.50 average), Ted Buckland Esq.
WR: Wes Welker (13.8), Doc Brown's DeLorean
WR: Miles Austin (12.7), Curtis Conway
WR: Reggie Wayne (12.58), Penguins From Hell
RB: Frank Gore (18.67), Jared Allen Forever
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew (17.92), Stanton For Heisman
TE: Vernon Davis (10.92), Curtis Conway
Flex: Adrian Peterson (17.43), Stafford Infection
K: Nate Kaeding (10.08), Curtis Conway
D: Jared Allen (58.5 total points), Jared Allen Forever
D: James Harrison (58), The Gompers
D: Patrick Willis (50.5), Jared Allen Forever

Second team:
QB: Drew Brees (23.17), ChamPeons
WR: Mike Sims-Walker (12.13), Curtis Conway
WR: Larry Fitzgerald (11.92), Stafford Infection
WR: DeSean Jackson (11.58), Stanton For Heisman
RB: Ronnie Brown (15.79), Curtis Conway
RB: Ray Rice (15.58), Doc Brown's DeLorean
TE: Owen Daniels (10.07), Ted Buckland, Esq.
Flex: Cedric Benson (15.07), Penguins From Hell
K: Lawrence Tynes (9.93), Stanton For Heisman
D: Elvis Dumervil (50.25), The Gompers
D: Darren Sharper (47.0), Doc Brown's DeLorean
D: Andre Carter (43), free agent

Week 6: Blowouts in verse

This week was not worth any work at all, which is why I only did haikus for each matchup.

The Gompers 128.50, Curtis Conway 107.75

Not enough thunder
'Cept from Elvis Dumervil
Welty (jailhouse) rocks!

Ted Buckland Esq. 188, ChamPeons 125.5

No Peyton? Oh well
Understudy just as good
Eli's best ever?

Penguins From Hell 127, Jared Allen Forever 62

Greedy Tom Brady
Goes off for 50, and then
impregnates cheer squad

Stanton for Heisman! 138, Doc Brown's DeLorean 111.75

The Trainwreck Tomke
Takes a respite from sucking
Dreadlocks and Swamp Thing

Stafford Infection 123.5, MonkeyAssassinations 89.7

It's unusual
For Tom Jones to play so well
Bad joke. Really dumb.

Week 5: Kissing your sister

Oh yeah, I forgot. Why am I doing this again?

Penguins From Hell 106, Stanton for Heisman! 106 MVP: Austin Collie. The waiver wire pickup was part of a huge Sunday night for JR.

LVP : Joey Porter. All he had to do was find the box score -- one tackle would have sufficed -- to tip the scales Monday night. I kinda feel bad for Tomke, believe it or not.

Ted Buckland Esq. 136, Monkey Assassinations 105.5

MVP: Peyton Manning. Nobody has been better in fantasy football. Special mention to Michael Turner and his three touchdowns.

LVP: Pierre Garcon. Manning goes off on Monday night, but the sexy waiver wire choice from a couple weeks ago got none of the action.

The Gompers 133.25, ChamPeons 86.75

MVP: Ahmad Bradshaw. How did Bradshaw get 25.5 points? Big win for Welty, who gives Champ his first loss of the year.

LVP: DeAngelo Williams. Surely Champ is waiting for that explosion that made Williams a mega-star last year.

Doc Brown's DeLorean 137.25, Stafford Infection 91

MVP: Kellen Winslow. Donovan McNabb had a nice return to form, as well, but it's rare to get more than 20 points out of the tight end position.

LVP: Calvin Johnson and Jerricho Cotchery. Pair of injured wide receivers combine for one point. Lame.

Curtis Conway 147, Jared Allen Forever 67.50

MVP: Roddy White. Four players cleared 20 points for Ed, so it wasn't really a game that required an MVP, but White had the most points.

LVP: Baron's entire team. Derrick Mason and Chris Cooley combining for zero points is a good place to start, but Baron had three players in double figures -- two were defenders.

VUFSA Basketball Talk

(image via tall hot guys blog....really)


Discuss the following in the comments, or it will be implemented without your consent:

-Move to a total points, head to head league

-Move to ESPN.com from Yahoo.

Go.

White Trash Beautiful

I am not terribly interested this week despite scoring what can probably be considered an upset victory. We go to BY THE NUMBERS!

Jared Allen Forever 133.75, The Gompers 114.25

19.75 -- Points amassed by Baron's hero and mentor, Jared Allen, who also bagged a likewise number of bitches after smothering the Packers on Monday.

21.75 -- Points amassed by Patrick Wills, giving Baron an unquestionable league record for defensive output in one week.

4 -- Points by Baron's third defender, Stephen Cooper. What a dick.

3.75 -- Value by which Welty wins if defenders don't count.

130 or sub-90 -- The alternating-week pattern of Jared Allen Forever.

ChamPeons 89.50, Monkey Assassinations 87.75

23.50 -- Points for Steve Smith, the highest scoring receiver in the league. And it's not even that Steve Smith you're thinking of. Early candidate for VUFSA MVP?

2 -- Number of players reaching double figures for Champ, who nonetheless emerges as the league's lone undefeated team.

1 -- Number of times Braylon Edwards accosted LeBron James' posse this week. That value is more than the number of catches Edwards had this week.

5-2 -- Record of the Richmond Red Devils.

Penguins From Hell 115.25, Stafford Infection 110.75

29 -- Points achieved by Stem's Monday Night super duo Adrian Peterson and Aaron Rodgers. Not horrible, but just short of bypassing Mason Crosby (5) and JR's Sunday lead.

10 -- Number of points from Stem's superb foresight roster member, Glen Coffee.

0 -- Value of Darren McFadden, in general

2 -- Number of weeks Pierre Thomas has done nothing in the first half, only to carry JR's team with a second-half supernova.

3-1 -- Record of Radcliffe, one of the league surprises.

Doc Brown's DeLorean 120.50, Ted Buckland Esq. 98.75

8 -- Record for field goals in a game, something Ryan Longwell did not achieve on Monday Night for Eli.

15.25 -- Points by Darren Sharper, making him just the third-most valuable defender of the week.

25 -- Cumulative points this year for disappointing receiver Greg Jennings.

95.25 -- Points accumulated by Peyton Manning, easily the most of any individual player in the VUFSA.

Curtis Conway 125, Honey & Vinegar Realty 77

1 -- Number of players in double figures for Tomke, and Brandon Marshall's 12 stemmed mostly from one miracle play.

0-4 -- The record of the only winless owner in the league, Davisson Tomke.

19.50 -- Point value in a big-time bounce back week from waiver wire wonder Mike Sims-Walker, helping Ed's cause.

2 -- Surprisingly, number of running backs Tomke owns among the league's top 10 non-quarterback scorers in McGahee and Jones-Drew.

Week 3: Choice of a new generation

Down To The Wire Thunder
GWAR!! 106, Honey&Vinegar Realty 104.25

GWAR!!: Tashard Choice (17) became the big waiver wire pickup of the week (and one of the bigger ones in recent memory), as he rumbled all over Arlington on Monday night, and his two-point conversion in the final moments of the fourth quarter provided the factor Welty needed to tip the scales. Tomke can thank an injured Felix Jones for making Choice the only choice in Dallas. Jay Cutler also had a nice day for Welty's real team (23.25), but the problem was the void from everyone else. The ragtag receiver crew of TJ Whosyomama, Mario Manningham and Johnny Knox look to have nothing more than boom-or-bust potential, and Chris Johnson (10) was only a shell of his awesome self from a week ago. Still, Welty is 2-1 after a thrilling finish.

Honey&Vinegar Realty: Dave Tomke got a huge day from one of the league's premier fantasy running backs, Maurice Jones-Drew (32). DeSean Jackson (16) obviously had a very nice rapport with Kevin Kolb, and the return of McNabb shouldn't restrict the big-play receiver's future use. But how pissed must Tomke be at 0-3 despite having the fourth-most points in the league. Ted Ginn Jr. (0) is a useless turd. It also seems like bitchy karma that Matthew Stafford (17.50) had a bigger day on the bench that Tomke's prince, Tony Romo (12.5).

Gold standard: With Felix Jones possibly hobbled going forward, Choice could figure in the Cowboys plans even if Marion Barber is back at full strength. He certainly didn't hurt his cause Monday. Willie Parker (17.5) also had a but of a resurgence on Welty's bench.

Silver Lining: At least the Lions won. Too bad Tomke running back Kevin Smith was hurt in the contest.

The Drew Bennett Bowl
Penguins From Hell 109.75, Ted Buckland Esq. 105.25

Penguins From Hell: JR may have caught lightning in a bottle with Cedric Benson (13.50), who continues to put up very solid numbers with the 2-1 (and should be 3-0) Bengals. Tom Brady (17.25) and Reggie Wayne (15.50) had pleasant weeks, but the real story was Saints running back Pierre Thomas (24.50). The hobbled bruiser didn't have a touch in the first half and then rumbled for 126 yards and two touchowns in the second half. The entire matchup swung on that performance.

Ted Buckland, Esq: Steve Smith was dead quiet Monday night, which kept Eli from getting the necessary 9.5 points for victory, even though he had DeMarcus Ware and Smith to JR's zero players in the final game of the week. Outside of Peyton Manning (34), it was a pretty pedestrian week for the hilariously snakebitten owner, though Steve Slaton (9.50) finally showed signs of relevance in the Houston offense.

Gold Standard: Radcliffe is 2-1 but has some fortune to his credit, with the Monday night stinker by Smith and the Carolina Panthers seriously helping his cause. Also, the emergence of Thomas might convince the Saints to settle on him as their primary back once and for all, which would greatly aid Radcliffe's pitiful running back situation.

Silver Lining: Slaton needs to finally break out already, and he's on his way. Also, Derrick Ward may have finally reached that "simply too shitty to play anymore" role, with Joseph Addai playing well from the bench.

Winning Ugly is Still Winning
ChamPeons 96, Jared Allen Forever 89.75

ChamPeons: It's a pretty good team if two flashy fantasy studs like Drew Brees (4) and Terrell Owens (0) do virtually nothing, and a team still wins. An ultra-steady team of Devin Hester, Steve Smith (Giants), Matt Forte, LeSean McCoy, and Dallas Clark all finished between 11.5 and 14.5 points. DeAngelo Williams (7) wasn't especially helpful on Monday night, but Champ had the ingredients for a victory nonetheless.

Jared Allen Forever: It was not a good week for Baron, as Frank Gore (0) not only matched TO's shutout but also went down for a couple weeks. Now Brendel must decide whether or not to bid on Glen Coffee -- and how much? Lee Evans (3) wasn't much better than Owens, and Chad Ochocinco (4.50) was crummy even though Carson Palmer logged 16 points.

Gold Standard: McCoy is now suddenly part of a running back rotation in Philadelphia, which adds another option to the arsenal for the 3-0 Whitlock franchise. But who to start in a given week -- Westbrook or McCoy? Maybe neither -- Julius Jones also broke out on Whitlock's bench.

Silver Lining: We get to see the bidding system in full effect this week, with Coffee sure to be in high demand, but far more meaningful to Brendel's team. Mark Sanchez might wind up having trade value, and Kevin Walter is back (which helps with Felix Jones also incurring an injury).

What the hell is wrong with Ed?
Stafford Infection, 99.75 Curtis Conway 75.0

Stafford Infection: It really started and ended this week with Aaron Rodgers (29.25), who also had a pretty good performance (but not the one most people notice) heading into FavreBowl. Calvin Johnson (4), Larry Fitzgerald (7) and Adrian Peterson (9) (it always pains me to know he has such an embarrassment of riches) underperformed, but it was a week when Stem could afford it. Useless weeks from Antonio Bryant (0.5) and Beanie Wells (0) were likewise absorbed.

Curtis Conway: Ed's behemoth football team has gone from horrible to awesome and back to horrible, and this week the 75-point output comes with the consternation of lineup decisions. Sexy waiver-wire pickup Mike Sims-Walker (4 points) was one of the flex choices ahead of Knowshon Moreno (15.0), or Ricky Williams (14). His receiver triumvirate really let him down, with Andre Johnson, Roddy White and LoveYourAnus Coles combining for 13 points.

Gold standard: The Lions won, leaving Andrew Stem in a constant state of euphoria this weekend. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he probably got laid.

Silver lining: For Ed, LDT figures to return very soon, and Moreno's first career touchdown gives the notorious king of running backs just one more weapon.

Finally, Someone Beats Viano
Doc Brown's DeLorean 105.25, Monkey Assassinations 95.25

Doc Brown's DeLorean: Drew Wolf may never hit 110 points, but hit output was good enough to sneak past a feeble yet undefeated Viano team. Wolf's faith in Santana Moss (19) after two pretty bad weeks paid dividends, and Eli Manning (18.5) had a quality game in a shutout perforamnce. Reggie Bush and Greg Jennings continued slow starts to the season, but it didn't matter this week.

Monkey Assassinations: Viano actually had a pretty consistent week, getting solid outings from Kurt Warner (13.5 -- solid in a game when his team only scored 10 points), Brandon Jacobs (15), a resurgent Greg Olsen (10.5) and Pierre Garcon (12), who may never leave the starting lineup after a mini-breakout on Sunday night. Braylon Edwards (2.5) might be a lost cause.

Gold Standard: Wolf will get quite a bit better in the coming weeks, when Donovan McNabb returns from injury and Marshawn Lynch becomes active after a drug suspension. Not that Fred Jackson (10) has struggled in Lynch's stead, or Manning is a bad call

Silver Lining: The arrival of Garcon out of somewhat thin air is very promising, especially for an owner otherwise relying on injury cases (Dwayne Bowe, Lance Moore), a failed Braylon Edwards and a strangely-named Chansi Stuckey.

STANDINGS, FUCKERS
ChamPeons 3-0
Stafford Infection 2-1
GWAR!! 2-1
Penguins From Hell 2-1
MonkeyAssasinations 2-1
Jared Allen Forever 1-2
Ted Buckland, Esq. 1-2
Doc Brown's DeLorean 1-2
Curtis Conway 1-2
Honey&Vinegar Realty 0-3

Week 2: Lame

I lost this week, so I'm pissed. Also, there were no exciting games this week. So I'm blowing this recap off and doing a shitty job. Anyone who wants to do better can delete me and write their own damn recap. I hope Tomke dies.

Monkey Assassinations 102, Penguins From Hell 76. Someone want to explain how Viano can have the fewest points in the league and be one of only two 2-0 teams? My hilariously bad performance this week has something to do with it. Looks like the Cardinals aren't has bad as I thought -- Warner and Hightower combined for 36.5 this week.

GWAR!!! 148.50, Stafford Infection 94.5. The beauty of fantasy football is the opportunity for someone to have a monumentally good week or bad week regardless of how good the team is. Welty scored 72 last week and bombed Stem this week with more than double the output. Chris Johnson (45.5) was an absolute stallion. So...is Welty the best or worst team in the league?

ChamPeons 130, Doc Brown's DeLorean 89.75. The fact that Drew scored this much is awesome given how three pretty good recievers -- Santana Moss, Greg Jennings and Roy Williams -- combined for a hilarious 0.00. HOW THE HELL did Greg Jennings get a zero? Champ's logo looks an awful lot like a Saints helmet, which is fitting, because Drew Brees can carry his ass if he so chooses.

Jared Allen Forever 136, Honey & Vinegar Realty 88.75. I like Tomke being 0-2. What's with all the zeros this week? We got them from Jennings, Lance Moore, Wes Welker (late scratch probably irritated more than just Tomke), Zach Miller, and essentially Santana Moss (who was worse than zero). Frank Gore was pretty awesome for Baron.

Curtis Conway 138, Ted Buckland, Esq. 116. Eli falls to 1-1 (not 0-2; fuck you Welty) despite a pretty good week and Ed's curse-worthy new team name. Ronnie Brown and Andre Johnson went off for Ed, with two scores each, and Eli's week was pretty good if you don't count that Steve Slaton has been butt so far this season.

Week 1 Recap: Brees over Bitches

As long as I'm winning and happy with Fantasy Football, I can write recaps. When I get pissy, I will become apathetic like the whiny slut that I am.

This was really a week of surprises -- the top two teams in the preseason poll struggled mightily, including an ugly loss for the team ranked near the top. One game came down to the absolute wire, likely to leave the losing owner in a self-inflicted coma, in which he surely dreams of Lions, long hair and lube jobs.

Game of the Damn Week

ChamPeons 132.00,
Stanton For Heisman 131.25.
How painful it must have been to have the third-highest score in the league and lose to the second-highest by less than a point. Champ had to sweat out Monday night despite having the Quarterback Orgasm that was Drew Brees.

Thunder: Randy Moss was laughing on the sidelines near the end of the game probably at the small handful of catches Terrell Owens (3 points) had. Champ was not laughing so much as Wes Welker's output (10) nearly put Tomke over the top.

WTF?: Detroit safety Louis Delmas (12) gave Tomke some points where they weren't expected. Matt Forte (5.5) had a slow start to his breakout campaign for Champ.

Homer-eroticism: Tomke has three Lions in his starting lineup, and Champ has three Bears.
The difference: Brees. Even with Tony Romo (29) having a delicious day for his biggest fan, Brees (46.5) enjoyed one of the most successful days imaginable. Ed will probably need to consult the record books on this one.

A Decent Undercard
Penguins From Hell 127.5,
Doc Brown's DeLorean 106.5
Two teams that don't really figure into the title-favorite picture both hit triple digits, with some big outings from QBs leading the charge.

Thunder: The outcome was in doubt until Tom Brady (25.75) went on a late-game flourish against the Bills, picking up two touchdown receptions and finishing with Radcliffe's largest score of the week. Wolf enjoyed a big day from Fred Jackson (17.5), but Antonio Gates (6.50) wasn't enough to overcome Zach Miller (7) and Darren McFadden (5) in the late game.

WTF?: Chris Henry (0.5) barely played for Cincy, catching one lame pass. Radcliffe had to make some decisions regarding an injured-but-playing Anquan Boldin, and sacrificing Justin Gage and Heath Miller by Thursday limited the options. Santana Moss (1) and Brandon Marshall (3) made Drew's early WR returns look horrendous.

Battle of the Backs: How far has Reggie Bush fallen? In a battle of replacing Pierre Thomas, Drew got only 2.50 out of Bush, while former waiver wire specialty Mike Bell (11) went off for well over 100 yards.

The difference: Santonio Holmes. Most everyone expects the big days turned in by Tom Terrific and Reggie Wayne (19.5), but Radcliffe had a good start to the week when Holmes (17) emerged as a colossal threat for the Steelers.

A Bloody Whitewash
Stafford Infection 146.5,

Jared Allen Forever 77.5
The highest-scoring team in the league didn't even need a remarkable effort from Adrian Peterson (36.5) to make this a laugher. Five players reached double digits, while poor Baron had only two.

Thunder: As a last bit of cruelness, Stem's Nate Kaeding (6) outplayed Lee Evans (2.5) for Baron.

WTF?: Baron was already behind the eight-ball when an injury gave Anthony Gonzalez a zero, but the fun didn't stop there. Carson Palmer (3.25) had a miserable day at quarterback, one of the few among VUFSA quarterbacks. Stem, meanwhile, had the luxury of catching John Carlson (19) on a career day. Also, Jared Allen wasn't even worth a half-point.

AP Press: Quietly, Stem has developed an army of awesomeness by attaining inarguably the highest-rated running back (Peterson) and WR (Fitzgerald) in fantasy football. Calvin Johnson and Aaron Rodgers mgiht be top-three players at their positions, as well. Stem should probably be favored to win the whole league, in my opinion.

The difference: Stem set his lineup on time.

A Late Win

Ted Buckland Esq. 80.75,

GWAR!! 72.25
Eli didn't need much Thunder to overcome his childhood sweetheart Welty, and Randy Moss gave him more than enough. Welty, meawhile, was hampered by a series of terrible, terrible individual performances.

Thunder: Eli entered the night needing with a five-point lead, and that's hardly a slam dunk given the numbers in the VUFSA. But Moss (13) was up to the challenge and allowed Eli to overcome a decent night from Welty's Stephen Gostkowski (10).

WTF?: Steve Slaton (0.5) is supposed to be one of the top young runniong backs in the game, but that was not a very charming debut, with just 9 carries and 17 yards on the ground, plus a fumble.

Unbearable: Jay Cutler (4.75) had a hilarious debut and cost Welty dearly, and former Bear Bernard Berrian (0) was somehow worse. Really, Welty had some bad luck, as nobody could expect five points or worse from Eddie Royal (1), TJ Hoorayforboobies (5), Vincent Shankyourho (2.5) or Willie Parker (1.5).

The difference: Peyton Manning. Welty didn't have a single performance better than the 13 points from Marion Barber, and neither did Eli -- except for Manning. Through all the mediocrity, Manning was good enough to tip the scales.

Ed's Personal Hell

MonkeyAssassinations 87.50,

Devil's Avacado 77.5
If not for Phillip Rivers on Monday (14) and an unreal IDP performance from Osi Umenyiora (16.75), Ed would not have had any double-digit efforts. Just a spectacular failure across the board.

Thunder: Ed needed Rivers to find success in places other than Vincent Jackson, and that didn't happen -- Rivers (14) and Tomlinson (8.5) were not enough to overcome Viano's lead and output from Jackson (10). Ed's total of 65 heading into Monday night had to look depressing.

WTF?: Tim Hightower suddenly became a pass-catching machine in Arizona, finishing wtih a team-high 13.5 points.

Is the really Ed's team?: Stalwarts Andre Johnson (3), LDT (8.5), Steven Jackson (6), Ronnie Brown (5.5) and Loveyouranus Coles (0.5) all had bad weeks at the same time, and while Viano had some hiccups of his own (Braylon Edwards and Greg Olsen combining for 1 point), he at least had a handful of players with decent efforts.

The difference: Hightower, easily. He appears to have gained a key role in the Cardinals offense, especially when they are down. Then again, maybe that's not a wagon Viano (who also has Kurt Warner) really wants to be hitched upon.

Preseason Power Poll

Seven ballots returned, and I compiled all the comments. Here's your lazy-man's preview. I didn't really edit or proofread, so whatever. I couldn't be less inspired to write an intro to this. Anyway, here's what I

1. Devil's Avocado (Avg Rank: 1.3; 5 first place votes)

For shit's sake, I need to stop collecting the polls....Stephen Jackson should put up consistent numbers as the Rams focus more on the run... this season comes down to his running backs, especially LDT. Tomlinson has been a god in fantasy football, but he’s starting to show his age... Knowshon Moreno might pan out despite the immediate trade offer during the draft......I first thought that Knowshon Moreno would struggle with Kyle Orton under center, but it didn't seem to hurt Matt Forte last year...Andre Johnson and Roddy White are both potential top-5 wide receivers...I can't say I'm sold on any of the WRs from the draft.

2. Jake Utler (2.2, 1 first place vote)

I like Eli’s team a lot. He has maybe the best receiving corps in the league, top to bottom, and he’s got great talent at running back...Best QB situation in the league...Peyton Manning and Randy Moss probably would make any team a top 3 pick...Derrick Ward is going to be a critical piece to this team and his ability to generate holes without the Giants offensive line...Percy Harvin was another of my favorite picks this draft...he got the best player in the draft when Colston stunningly fell to him...Felix Jones was a great addition, since I'm not sure Joseph Addai will live up to his keeper status.

3. Champeons (3.2)

Outside of TO, I wouldn’t want any of his receivers...Pretty good group of RBs when Larry Johnson is your fourth best and on the bench...I think LJ was a very frivelous 1st rounder, and the WR depth shows why...Champ's keepers are ridiculous. But beyond that, there are some holes. Devin Hester seems like a really shaky WR2 and Chris Chambers looks like an even shakier WR3...He did smartly make sure to get LeSean McCoy, who's possibly the most important handcuff in football and protects against any Westbrook dings...I'm sure everyone else talked about the weak WRs, but we're kidding ourselves if you don't think Champ's QB/RBs will win him the eight games he'll need to get into the playoffs again and make everyone shit their pants.

4. Stafford Infection (4.0, 1 first place vote)

This was really close between Stem and Eli, but Adrian Peterson is the #1 player in fantasy football...I really like his starting line-up. But there's no depth at all and will need a perfectly healthy run out of these starters to keep up top in the standings...dislike Chris Wells (taken where he was taken)...Glen Coffee was a saavy pickup, since there isn't a ton of RB depth with Thomas Jones being what we think he is and Beanie Wells being glass.

5. Stanton for Heisman! (5.14)

Romo will miss TO, methinks. When Wes Welker is your #1 WR, you are in trouble...Midget Jones-Drew is one bright spot on this team, though. Now that he is the clear #1 back in Jacksonville, he could put up even bigger numbers....I really liked the Ted Ginn Jr. pick. Did a nice job of balancing his roster with established veterans and up and comers in all positions...DeSean Jackson is also a blossoming stud (no homo) and could give a great return on investment for that pick...We could very well look back and say that keeping Kevin Smith over the Saints quagmire is what made him an elite team this year.

6. Penguins from Hell (5.6)

If Brady is 100%, then JR could finish higher than I am projecting...I know Bears fans may not want to hear it, but Benson actually ran pretty hard for Cincinnati last year and he will get a majority of carries this year...Where did Pierre Thomas come from? Am I incredibly skeptical on this guy or is he a scouting report I just missed?...JR wet his pants after getting Pierre Thomas, and probably rightfully so. Thomas was the only RB1-type of player available in the draft, and I'm sure JR didn't think he'd fall to him...The key to JR's season will probably be how good Tom Brady is -- if he can't return well from his injury and struggles, his season is probably sunk. But if he returns to elite form, JR will compete for the title.

7. Doc Brown's Delorean (5.8)

Drew should have capitalized the ‘L’ in DeLorean. Just saying...Reggie Bush is becoming nothing more than a glorified 3^rd down back...Best TE situation in the league...Tony Gonzalez should work out nicely for the Falcons and Matt Ryan...Drew's team is almost impossible to project. Reggie Bush, Brandon Marshall, Roy Williams, Donovan McNabb and Ray Rice all have the potential to explode for huge years. They also all have the potential to be mediocre-to-crummy...Sleeper team that doesn't jump out in the rankings...The Eli Manning/Donovan McNabb duo has got to be the most talented tandem of QBs that you absolutely cannot trust.

8. Jared Allen Forever (6.2)

Starts 3 #2 WRs and needs some more premier help here....A questionable QB with a rookie QB backup...Starting RBs are fine but doesn't have any promising backups come bye weeks or injury. Does have Jared Allen, though...his WR core is good and Carson Palmer could have a nice bounce-back year. Turner and Gore are a great 1-2 combo at running back. Has some nice depth at the skill spots with Lendale, Donald Brown, Derrick Mason and Kevin Walter. Oh my God, I kind of like Baron's team...I like the Donald Brown pick in round 2 because it gives him a nice upside RB on a high scoring team...Great snag on Derrick Mason, leading to an all-around very solid team.

9. Monkey Assassinations (7.1)

Warner will put up numbers. He’s like 73 years old, though, and he could break a hip...Two stud RBs and a lot of questionable RBs. 1 stud WR and a lot of questionable WRs. Depending on how some of this talent develops, this could be a streaky team...I didn't understand the Kurt Warner pick at all, with that much other talent available in the first round...He's very thin at running back, with only two reliable guys (and neither Jacobs or Grant catch passes, which devalues them in this league)...I think the Greg Olsen pick was inspired...Shonn Greene looks like an amazing value w/ Leon Washington a little banged up.

10. GWAR!! (8.4)

Cutler has no one to throw to. Eddie Royal has no one to throw him the ball....That Denver-Chicago trade really hurt Adam's keepers...Chris Johnson and Marion Barber should be rock solid...If you are going to start two TEs, they probably shouldn't be Visanthe Shinacoe and Dustin Keller....Has some running back by committee issues with Chris Johnson and potentially Willie Palker...taking rookie WRs like Heyward-Bey and (especially) Juaquin Iglesias seemed like a shot in the dark...Royal and Houshmandzadeh are PPR monsters, good strategy...Extremely good high-upside backups on the bench in Norwood and Bradshaw.