Top Ten Team Names

Many "Top Ten" concepts need a few weeks to materialize, so the first few weeks are kind of hard to chronicle. So let's take a look at the team names, in this blissful football season, and my ranking of the best.

10. Madd Skillz. Sure, he may be one of the best owners in the league, but his team name is sort of blah. A slight play on his own name with some infused hip-hop ... it's not bad, just not as strong as others in the league. Of course, the dude runs the damn league, so he has other things to worry about than a creative team name. Rejected names: The Brad Spata Express, Lost Touch With Reality, Oakes Tornadoes, I Din' Kill Nobody.

9. Blaine Browns. The simple combination of Drew Wolf's hometown and his favorite football team makes this name a fairly simple choice, although with the new Vikings stadium potentially being built by his house, the "Blaine Vikings" may not be out of the question in the near future. Plenty of room for creative overhaul here, but it works. Rejected Names: Stuart Scott's Doo-Rag, Pharmacy Keys, Son Abraham, Yeah! Personal Hell!

8. ChamPeons. We all get the play on words, although Champ will try to break out of being the "Peon" after a rough go through the first VUFSA season. Brent "The Champ" Whitlock has also stood by the name through thick and thin even though he's one of the most deal-happy, fluid managers among the 10. Rejected names: Mike Deityka, Bears and Boobs, Hawkeye of the Tiger.

7. Cellar Dwellars. Andrew Stem looks to invoke the "defuse the bomb" theory and move up in the standings by calling his team what it was in previous years -- a bottom feeder. So far so good, coincidentally, and you have to love Stem's tongue-in-cheek approach to his first year struggles. We all still love Stem, regardless of what happens. Rejected names: Drive My Lloyd Carr, Lions and Tigers and Bears, Did I Honestly Keep Jake Delhomme?

6. Father Abraham. I never understood the background behind the "Abraham" usage, but it has a fairly wise ring to it. The oldest member of the league (and only father, unless LaVicka accidentally spawned) has stood by his name through all league play and is stoic in his fatherly wisdom. Rejected names: None.

Interlude: Sean Salisbury is a dingus.

5. Big Fat Guys. One of many "old reliables" on the list, Baron has always resorted to the beauty of the rotund. And hey this is football, so while most of fantasy football deals with the thinnest of those on the field, the game is designed for Big Fat Guys. And the line "what do you want from me? I'm just a fat guy" still makes me chuckle. Rejected names: Jay Fiedler's Bitches, Ken Griffey's ACL, Newsbreak.

4. The Octagon. Ah yes, "Anchorman." Though the team name would have been better served as "Dr. Kenneth Noisewater," the name of Brian Fantana's right testicle in the film, such a long phrase would not fit. Thus JR Radcliffe settled on the adopted name of Fantana's penis. His team is thus named after a penis. There's plenty of jokes to be harvested, especially as the team wins games every week despite being among the worst teams in the league. Rejected names: I Totally Paused, Como Estas Bitches, I Love Lamp, Damn You Chuck Norris.

3. Sex Panther. I admit the "Anchorman" references spiraled out of control before the season, but knowing that Eli is a "sex panther" furthers his clever use of this name. The title is drawn from the putrid-smelling cologne employed by Brian Fantana in the film, and so far Daunte Culpepper's performance has fit the part for Eli, leading others to note that he looks "like Bigfoot's Dick" and has played "like a turd covered in burnt hair." Rejected names: Smelly Pirate Hooker, It's the Pleats, Great Odin's Raven, MATT MURTON!

2. Ken's Anal Adventure. Is it appropriate? Of course not. Is it better than the original title of "Pat Tillman's Widow?" Absolutely. In the end, it fits very well, giving league members the chance to contemplate what sort of adventure Ken is undertaking involving a sphincter, probably Dave's. And it offers a nice touch of the co-owners' "Fuck All Y'All" attitude. I like it. Rejected titles include: I'm So Awesome, Ozzie's El Collapso, Bondo and the Asians, and Ken's Angry Midget Circus.

1. Fred Lane's Wife. There's something entirely endearing about naming your team after a convicted murderer, particularly one of the female variety. Andy Viano has often demonstrated a cunning in naming his teams, if not a sub-terranean perversity, compelling others in the league to think a little. Rejected titles include: Rae Carruth's Girlfriend, Jamal Lewis' Plea Bargain, Randy Moss' Afroman T-Shirt, and Joe Horn's Cell Phone Bill.