Winless Wonders

0-2. A daunting hole. A predicament I hear much about here in Minnesota. The Vikings find themselves the worst team in football after two bad beats. Tampa trampled them at home in the season opener, and Cincy cruised in week two. The Vikings problems are threefold. <>

There’s the Randy Moss ordeal. How many football teams have disposed of the greatest receiver in the game because he pretended to pull down his pants? <>

There’s the Daunte Culpepper ordeal. What? Throw to the purple jerseys? Do they not stand out enough? <>

Then there’s, as the 93X morning show has dubbed him, the “mindfreak” Mike Tice who is so smart that he puts on the guise of stupidity to lure opponents into a false sense of security. <>

Then there are the three winless wonders in the VUFSA. Heading into week three, no one would have guessed the three teams that would be at the bottom of the standings. Ok, so Mike Tice would have known, but then again what doesn’t he know?

The Big Fat Guys 0-2

<>An expansion team at the bottom of the standings is certainly not surprising. The league is set up to handicap newcomers, and for owner Baron Brendel, these struggles are not frustrating but hardly shocking. Madd Skillz defeated The Big Fat Guys by nearly 50 points, but the BFGs hung tough with the Cellar Dwellers losing by just 5.25 points in week one. <>

What has gone right?

-Marc Bulger is averaging nearly 300 yards a game and has thrown 3 TDs giving BFGs a double digit boost each of the first two weeks. He hasn’t been spectacular, but looking at the woes of Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, and Daunte Culpepper a solid quarterback should be appreciated. Should Bulger begin to go downhill, Brendel has an emerging superstar in the wings with the recent acquisition of Carson Palmer. The QB slot is a strong one, and is likely a source of a keeper heading into 2006.

<>-Brian Westbrook has been the anchor of the club leading the team in scoring the past week and was second only to Bulger in week one. A 15+ point outing was becoming a sure thing before BFGs moved Westbrook to The Penis Pansies, er Octagon. <>

What has gone wrong?

-For starters the two preseason drafts didn’t bring in the players that it could have. In drafting Tatum Bell in the expansion draft, Brendel passed on Steven Jackson. Bell is barely getting touches in Denver while Jackson is carrying the load for the Rams. Mike Anderson went on to surpass Bell on the depth chart, and Brendel was forced to use an additional draft pick to grab the new Bronco starter. As is, neither Bell or Anderson are even being talked about in the same light as a third tailback, Ron Dayne. Who is going to get carries in the Mile High City remains a mystery, and the whole merry-go-round has hurt BFGs’ backfield.

<>Additionally, the first overall pick of the ’05 VUFSA draft brought an underachieving Nate Burleson to the BFGs. Burleson’s numbers thus far? 6 catches, 93 yards, and 0 TDs. Hardly the numbers one should be getting from the first overall pick. A running back or even trading down might have been the better option. <>

-Depth. Everywhere on the roster is lined with serviceable players but not with the big names and big plays that fantasy football rewards so much. Chris Chambers, Joey Galloway, Terry Glenn have lost as many fumbles as touchdowns scored. <>

In the running backs department, the BFGs are very thin featuring no clear cut starters on any of their real teams. Travis Henry takes the spot of Westbrook, but even Henry is in the dreaded backfield by committee in Tennessee. Brandon Jacobs is proving to be the TJ Duckett of the Giants getting the scores when the Giants are in close, but with Tiki Barber handling much of the running, Jacobs isn’t going to have a 100 yard game anytime soon. The aforementioned Mike Anderson rounds out the RB trio.

Sex Panther 0-2

VUFSA is lucky to still have this franchise after all accounts had The Gun killing himself over an insane ending to the ’05 season where he missed the playoffs by the narrowest of margins. Geared up with a loaded offense, Sex Panther was in prime position to come out of the gates roaring, but instead has been purring.

<>What has gone right? <>

-Carnell Williams has been stellar. A somewhat risky grab in the early goings of the draft, the rookie has outshined well established stars. With 276 yards and 2 TDs in the first two games, Williams is ranked as the fifth best running back in the fantasy ranks (behind shockingly enough Stephen Davis, Tiki Barber (not him), Willie Parker, and Thomas Jones). With his tremendous start, Michael Pittman and Mike Alstott better practice blocking because their carries are dropping. <>

-The St. Louis Rams have been scoring points which in turn means Torry Holt and Steven Jackson have been helping The Gun’s cause. Last week they were # 2 and #3 in scoring on the team (behind Williams), and will likely continue to find the end zone in Mike Martz’s wacky offense. <>

What has gone wrong? <>

Quite simply, Daunte Culpepper. He’s been horrendous. Negative points in week one, and 5 interceptions in week two is embarrassing. Culpepper has crapped his pants trying to figure what the hell Mike Tice is calling and between the two of them, they are ruining not just the Vikings’ season but SP’s as well. Should Daunte remember how to throw a football and who to throw it to, The Gun might well see some of the numbers that Culpepper put up last year. For the time being, though, it’s just plain ugly. Jermaine Wiggins, Culpepper’s and SP’s tight end hasn’t seen much success either.

Quietly, Mike Vanderjagt has disappointed. The Colts haven’t been scoring meaning the extra points have not been coming. Sure he’s kicked two field goals in two games, but when drafting a top tier kicker as a part of a top tier offense, 10 points probably isn’t what SP had in mind. That slow-to-start Colts offense also kept Reggie Wayne to just 1.5 points in week two.

<>Blaine Browns 0-2

The Browns have played well, but not well enough. In week one, they were destroyed in a violent conjugal visit by Fred Lane’s Wife (who scored less than half as many points the next week). In week two, BB decided to go with the Valpo basketball “play down to the level of your opponents” syndrome getting burned by what is turning out to be a respectable Cellar Dwellars squad. Regardless of Stem’s new found success, BB should never lose a game when their opponent’s QB puts up a whopping 2.75 points. Well unless, you have a QB who is going to counter with an overwhelming 0.75.

<>What has gone right?

For starters Curtis Martin’s MRI was negative.

<>The receiving crew has been solid. Terrell Owens is the most annoying athlete this side of Pluto, but the man puts up numbers and quite frankly that’s all that matters. His 12 receptions for 255 yards and 2 TDs easily leads the way on the receiving squad. Javon Walker tearing his leg up should prove valuable to the Browns’ Donald Driver, a fringe keeper, who has a 100 yard game in taking over the number one spot in Green Bay. Lastly, TJ HousamanihateJR has shown some promise in the early goings taking a solid hold in the number two hole (eeww) in Cincinnati. <>

Despite the Colts offensive woes, Edgerrin James continues to be Wolf’s favorite fantasy player. It’s because his dreadlocks are cute. <>

What has gone wrong? <>

What on paper was supposed to be a strong contingent of running backs -- Curtis Martin, Edgerrin James, Warrick Dunn, and (less “supposed”) Reuben Droughns -- have combined to rush for 0 touchdowns in two weeks. Not going to win too many ballgames with that type of pathetic production from the RBs. <>

Patrick Kerney decided to take in a Mariners game this past week in Seattle. He sure as hell didn’t have any tackles, sacks, INTs, or any possible point producing escapades. Sure defensive shouldn’t play the deciding role in any of these games, but when you lose by 5 and someone puts up a goose egg, they are going to be harshly made fun of in an online blog. (So there Kerney, now shape up.) <>

Scheduling is quickly becoming an issue. Playing preseason favorites Madd Skillz, Fred Lane’s Wife, and Sex Panthers twice is not going to help the Browns out. With the Blaine Browns and the Sex Panthers meeting up in week four, one of the two will be 1-3 at best and quite possibly in an insurmountable 0-4 hole at worst. <>

Anyone named Drew sucks. Brees is not going to be playing should there be many more 175 yard, 0 TD, 1 INT outings. With Keenan McCardell and Antonio Gates catching balls, and Tomlinson’s rushing yards opening up the passing game, 0.75 efforts are pathetic. <>

Drew Bennett isn’t even starting despite being BB’s second overall pick. He’s probably fifth on the depth chart, not exactly where a second round pick should be (see Nate Burleson). <>

Drew Wolf is wrapping up a disastrous baseball season and had high hopes of returning to some football glory this season. Instead, he’s been stuck with the dubious honor of scoring the most points of any loser twice, and he had to get up at 5am this morning because inventory is on Friday. At least he saw Green Day last Friday and is going to U2 this Friday. That should be worth half a point.