VUFSA: Week two

Week two is in the books and we’re already 12.5 percent done with the season.

Everyone panic!!!

Maybe that’s just me.

I decided to bring in a special guest to help analyze all the teams this week, since week two is often when things start to shake out a little bit. I’m pleased to welcome ESPN’s John Clayton to the VUFSA media outlet.





He’ll be weighing in with his take on things after each summary. On to the results:

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Cellar Dwellers: 102.75 points
Blaine Browns: 101.25 points

Cellar Dwellers (2-0): Barring any late scoring changes, Cellar Dwellers eeks out a close win over the Browns on a late sack (who says defense doesn’t matter?) by Roy Williams on Monday Night Football. Behind Shaun Alexander (22.00 points) and LaMont Jordan (15.00 points), this team will always be right there each week. CD has also benefited from Randy McMichael (13 points) stepping up big in Nick Saban’s new offense.
Best move: Keeping the Lions' Roy Williams in his lineup after a poor first week showing.
Worst move: Jake Delhomme over Byron Leftwich (again)
John Clayton says: Byron Leftwich and I had a little fight when I was on the sidelines this week

Blaine Browns (0-2): A real tough luck week for the Browns, who became the first Thunder victim of the ’05 campaign. Really suffered from the poor play of Drew Brees (0.75 points), but did have bright spots from Terrell Owens (21.50), Donald Driver (14.00 points) and Edgerrin James (14 points). With Javon Walker’s injury, and the awful Packers defense, Driver is now looking like a top 15 receiver. Should continue to stay right in the race all year, especially if Brees picks things back up.
Best move: Letting Drew Bennett (3.50 points) sit against Baltimore.
Worst move: Also letting T.J. Houshmanzadeh (18.50 points) sit this week.
John Clayton says: I have $6 on me ... how much Sudafed can I buy at Walgreens for that?

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Ken’s ... (sigh) Anal Adventure: 95.25 points
Sex Panther: 85.75 points

KAA (1-1): Boldly tells newly-married Baron to "suck on that" after landing the first win by an expansion team in VUFSA history. Has been extremely active thus far, having made 24 waiver moves as of this writing. The activity paid off as new acquisitions Thomas Jones (26 points) and Michael Vick (14.75 points) led KAA to a win. Was also aided by little J.J. Arrington’s upset tummy, as Marcel Shipp stepped in and picked up 8.50 points.
Best move: Feverish activity that netted several key contributors.
Worst move: None, really. Got nearly optimal production from the players who started for him.
John Clayton says: Ken’s adventure has nothing on my exploits, many of which were filmed in the late ’70s.

Sex Panther (0-2): The story here is the continued wretched play of Daunte Culpepper. The quarterback managed to at least hit positive numbers this week (3.75 points), but he yet again cost Sex Panther a win. Cadillac Williams (18 points) and Steven Jackson (16 points) continue to be studs, but team needs Culpepper and Willis McGahee to get rolling as well if they have serious title hopes.
Best move: Sticking with Williams against an upper-tier Buffalo defense.
Worst move: Trading with KAA just days before the two teams met.
John Clayton says: Has anyone noticed that Sex Panther mirrors the team his quarterback plays for? Lots of preseason hype, plenty of talent ... but the results are never there? However, he smells like pure gasoline, and I like that.

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Madd Skillz: 110.25 points
Big Fat Guys: 72.50 points

Madd Skillz (2-0): Another big week from Ed as he ascends into first place. Never really threatened by BFG, but did experience some initial fear, saying early on that "Marc Bulger is on pace to throw 67 TDs." Got a huge week from Chad Johnson (15.50 points) and a typical good performance from LDT (17.00 points). Also received double digit scores from Tom Brady, Lavaerneus Coles and Larry Johnson. Appears to have the leg up on the No. 1 seed in the early going.
Best move: Snatching Larry Johnson in the draft a bit earlier than anyone else was willing to – seems to be paying off now.
Worst move: Starting Fred Taylor (9.50) at Flex over Domanick Davis (14.00 points).
John Clayton says: Nevermind the win. Ed managed to accomplish his apparent No. 1 priority of this season this week: trading away Keary Colbert. Kudos to you, Skillz.

Big Fat Guys (0-2): One of three winless teams, BFG experienced major struggles in week two. Marc Bulger disappointed against Arizona and Brian Westbrook (16.00) was the only solid performance for this team. Westbrook was traded away tonight, so this team now has huge holes at running back. They are, however, represented by a true big, fat guy at the position: 375 pound Brandon Jacobs, who scored a goal line touchdown on Monday night.
Best move: With all due respect, there wasn’t much that qualifies this week.
Worst move: Terry Glenn (14 points) lit up Washington from the bench for BFG.
John Clayton says: My crystal ball says that Baron will experience much better luck week against Sex Panther when Jeb Putzier and Chris Chambers combine for an inexplicable 94.75 points.

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Father Abraham: 133.75 points
ChamPeons: 85.25 points

Father Abraham (1-1): Massive week for Lincoln, led by 38.75 points from Donovan McNabb, who looked like Manning and Culpepper used to. Didn’t stop there, getting a big Monday game from Joe Horn (17.50 points), Priest Holmes (14.50) and Stephen Davis (22.450), who has been the surprise of the year thus far. Team has a lot of weapons, and could become extremely formidable if Jamal Lewis gets on track.
Best move: Not letting William Green anywhere near the starting lineup.
Worst move: Ronald Curry (1 point) over Muhsin Muhammad (13 points)
John Clayton says: I have an exclusive, late-breaking scoop that Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens are not speaking. I think this will really harm McNabb against San Francisco. Let’s send it now down to the sideline to everyone’s favorite dragon lady, Suzy Kolber.

ChamPeons (1-1): A solid week from the ChamPeons, who played well enough to beat some teams, but not nearly enough to knock off Father Abraham. The Kerry Collins and Randy Moss combo was good (28.75 total points) and Derrick Mason is quieting some doubters after another big game for Baltimore. ChamPeons still suffers from a lack of running back depth, but Portis and Julius Jones are fine anchors in that department.
Best move: Drafting Mason is looking like a very good move as of now.
Worst move: Keyshawn Johnson in the flex spot.
John Clayton says: I could watch Julius Jones run allllllll day in those silver pants. Delicious.

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The Octagon: 89.50
Fred Lane’s Wife: 62.25 points

The Octagon (2-0): Fewest Points of Any Winner comes away with another week of having the fewest points of any winner. FPOAW got a big Thunder performance from Tiki Barber (20.50) to cement his victory over Fred Lane’s Wife. Owner must also be pleased with Hines Ward breaking back out for 19 points. Running back position was a concern, but a deal for Brian Westbrook tonight should help in that regard.
Best move: Getting J.J. Arrington out of the lineup.
Worst move: Playing Chester Taylor. Ever.
John Clayton says: Does anyone else think I look like a bird?

Fred Lane’s Wife (1-1): Wow, yet again. Viano comes up with barely one-third of his point total from last week, mustering what appears to be the lowest point total in VUFSA history. Outside of Willie Parker, nine other offensive players totaled just 34.25 points – and this included a kicker who had nine points. However, as Fred Lane’s Wife demonstrated last week, the team is capable of putting up gigantic numbers. It’s a safe bet that every other total from here on out will fall in between his first two weeks.
Best move: Still waiver wire Willie.
Worst move: Eric Parker (2.50) points over Robert Ferguson (10.50 points)
John Clayton says: Conjugal visits with Fred Lane’s wife? Oh yeah, I’ve been there.