Jeepers keepers!

Hey there you holy bitches. I'm back, my face is ten times the size of God and I've been released from sexual addiction therapy -- which does not work -- and I'm here to give you some pre-draft analysis. You've all decided upon your keepers and are now just patiently sitting around waiting for the draft (except for Ed, who hasn't slept in 154 hours and recently got his cheatsheet tatooed upside down on his stomach so he can read it at all times and memorize it in order to speed the draft process so that he can get to work by 9:30 central time, which is six hours after the draft starts and if the draft actually takes that long I'm going to shove my beak up his ass). Here are my thoughts on your prized lovelies.

Ed Schillinger
LaDanian Tomlinson
Larry Johnson
Rudi Johnson
Chad Johnson
Steve Smith

Analysis: Jeezums balls. How did anyone allow this to happen? You let the commish retain two of the top three running backs and two of the top three wide receivers? Wait ... what? AND you allowed him to trade for the third pick in the draft? And retain the No. 10 pick?!?! Well, I hope all of you fairies enjoy looking up at an owner who has 1,200 points by Week 9. My advice is to pray for the Chargers and Chiefs' team jets to collide over Cincinnati and have the wreckage fall on the Bengals' practice facility.
* * *
Drew Wolf
Drew Brees
Edgerrin James
Warrick Dunn
Ruben Droughns
Randy Moss

Analysis: Well, this is a tough nut to crack. Most of these players have question marks hanging over their heads. Hanging like mistletoe. I'm wearing mistletoe on my zipper right now. Anyway, it's hard to know what Brees, Edge and Moss will do. If they all hit their upside, coupled with Warrick Dunn's increased role in Atlanta, this could be the best non-Ed team in the league.
* * *
Baron Brendel
Carson Palmer
Brian Westbrook
Duece McAllister
Thomas Jones
Chris Chambers

Analysis: This team is boo-boo prone. But if Baron has a good draft and Carson Palmer survives the wreckage of the plane falling on Cincinnati, this team could absolutely be playoff bound. He's going to need plenty of running back insurance, which might be tough to find after surrendering his first-round pick.
* * *
Eli Gieryna
Tiki Barber
Clinton Portis
Steven Jackson
Willis McGahee
Torry Holt

Analysis: Rumor has it that Barber will be replaced by Marc Bulger and an extra first rounder. That plan seemed great until Clinton Portis roughed up his shoulder. Also, can I just say that if I could experiment sexually with any NFL player, it would be Clinton Portis? I'd make him wear that 18th-century wig and sunglasses, though. Sooooo, yeah, this team's fortunes will greatly depend on how quickly Portis comes back, and how much goal-line work Duckett steals. And making sure that the Rams stay alive.
* * *
JR Radcliffe
Marc Bulger
Carnell Williams
Marvin Harrison
Reggie Wayne
Tony Gonzalez

Analysis: On the surface, the keepers don't seem terribly impressive, but we all know JR will accumulate 382 total points and make the playoffs, so it doesn't matter.
* * *
Lincoln Souzek
Donovan McNabb
Anquan Boldin
Jamal Lewis
Joe Horn
Jason Witten

Analysis: The good: I think Anquan Boldin has a chance to be the top fantasy WR this year. The bad: Donovan McNabb has no one to throw to, Joe Horn is old, Jamal Lewis is broken down, Jason Witten is a middling tight end and my balls haven't stopped itching since I visited Panama.
* * *
Andrew Stem
Shaun Alexander
LaMont Jordan
Kevin Jones
Larry Fitzgerald
Plaxico Burress

Analysis: I was pleased to see Stem didn't keep that ADD-ridden bastard Delhomme this year. He'll be able to upgrade at QB in the first round, and if he gets good value there, he'll have a great shot at the playoffs. How Kevin Jones performs may mean the difference betwene finishing second and finishing fourth, however.
* * *
Dave Tomke
Eli Manning
Chester Taylor
DeShaun Foster
Braylon Edwards
Michael Clayton

Analysis: I think Chester Taylor has an opportunity to be the best NFL running back ever named after a Brendon Frasier character.
* * *
Andy Viano
Peyton Manning
Ronnie Brown
Willie Parker
Hines Ward
Todd Heap

Analysis: This is a very solid group; Ronnie Brown and Willie Parker are poised to have huge upswings in production this year, since they will likely get more touches than uhhhh ... shit, I got nothing. Manning will probably reclaim his top QB status since the Colts will have to throw more. Adding another quality running back early could make this team very dangerous.
* * *
Brent Whitlock
Daunte Culpepper
Julius Jones
Frank Gore
Terrell Owens
Andre Johnson

Analysis: Oh sure, we all ripped on Champ for keeping Frank Gore. Naturally, Kevan Barlow was traded away and Gore is now going to get 25 carries a game in an improving offense. We're sorry, man. Champ doesn't have a great football history, but he has several intriguing players who, if they come together properly, could vault him into the playoffs. As an aside, this will be the worst locker room in the VUFSA. You'll have TO's pouting, Daunte's sex-ridden activities and Frank Gore's IQ of 67 ruling the roost.

I'll be spending my time there.

Happy drafting, you scurves.