Post Game Press Conference(s) - Updated

Now, featuring real Champ!

First up to the podium, Who Is Ron Mexico? GM Dave Tomke.

What is the ETA for your first win of the season?

"To be honest...I expect to beat J.R. like he owes me money this week. I mean, come on, Tony Gonzalez? Isn't Isaac Bruce 84 years old? Chad Pennington may be the gayest-looking quarterback in the league. Check that, Chad Pennington IS the gayest-looking quarterback in the league. I actually have a feature back now in Warrick Dunn, so that might help. Running backs are a big deal, I guess. Plus, Marques Colston and Jeff Wilkins are by far the two best players in the league. I wish I had Timmy Chang."

You're one of the most active owners in the trade market. Do you have any plans for another big move?

"Big moves? I don't know. I hope so. With so little chance of competing for a playoff spot this year, I've committed myself to working the trade market/waiver wire. Speaking of that, why the fuck is it called a wire? Bullshit. J.R. got Noah Herron and Chris Brown is probably a fucking pedophile. I shouldn't have gotten him in that trade. Thanks a fucking lot Kevan Barlow. -1 yards. Awesome. What a fag. I have like eight running backs on the Jets roster and none of them carried the ball. Why don't I just bend over and grab my ankles. But seriously, I plan on making a lot more trades, mostly when the playoff spots are on the line and people need that extra back or receiver. If you want Kevan "I dick my own ass" Barlow or Chris "I sleep with 14-year old boys" Brown, let me know."

Why didn't you answer my query about shootout stats?

"I don't even know what you're talking about. There aren't really shootout stats. They don't count. BALLS."

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Thanks to Dave for wrapping up my trade question with a joke about child molestation. Well played. Next up is our Lt. Commissioner- Tice's Partyboad head man, Drew Wolf.

After two straight wins, do you consider yourself a playoff contender again?

"Absolutely not. Upon starting 0-3, I did what any respectable man would do. I bent over and, well, I tied my shoe. By avoiding getting caught up and trying to win this year, I am better poised to try and make some moves that position the Wolfmen for a strong future. I already gave up my '07 baseball season, so I figure I'll retool for one of my sports."

What was your main motivation with your recent deal with Dave, and do you feel that it was a 'white flag' trade?

"Warrick Dunn, to me, was a great RB-3. Top yard gainer but not a TD man. To win in this league you have to have TD men, and I don't have enough of those right now. I want to capitalize while I could on Dunn's numbers before Jerious Norwood knocks off the veteran. A couple top notch rookies who are platooning this year have the makings of TD men next. I do think it was a white flag trade because I dealt for the future, but at the same time I wrestled 17 points away from Dave and onto my team. That 30 point swing in the form of Jones-Drew was the difference. So, I'm not opposed [looking to the future] and perhaps stealing a few wins along the way."

Adam Vinateri has missed the last 3 weeks and is on a bye this week. Is there anything he can do to make you drop him?

"He's the top kicker for the best offense in football. If people are going to hold onto a fourth defender through bye weeks, I don't see why holding onto a top tier kicker is any different. It would have to be a season ending injury for me to dump him."

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We now move to an owner who has a startlingly similar view on the league this year; Father Abraham's Lincoln Souzek.

Some left your team for dead after 3 straight losses and 2 bad weeks. Do you feel you'll contend for a playoff spot from this point forth?

"Uhm, not really, no. I'm realistic about my team's potential and even though he's a stud of Magnum, P.I. proportions, Donovan McNabb can only do so much. I hope I can keep it interesting every week though. I feel good about my chances next year, to echo the familiar refrain."

What are you going to do with Domanick Davis, if anything?

"Keep him for next year, I suppose. I'd have to get a starting back for him to trade him (probably not likely) and I still think he's got a lot of potential, at least compared to the rest of my aging, felonious RBs."

When JR called you an "easy win" how much did you want to punch him in the face?

"You know what? Not much. I know my place in the fantasy ecosystem and if I was JR, I would probably think the same thing (although I wouldn't say it). But if I gave up every time I thought I couldn't win it all, I wouldn't be playing any more. I'm happy to play the less historically significant role of spoiler, because that's what sports are about- the best team that shows up to play on any given day wins, despite everything that's led up to it. Just ask the Yankees."

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Now we move onto everyone's favorite skeptic- the man who thought I was doing this purely to get trade intel, JR Radcliffe of The Nihilist Marmot.

You were on record as immediately regretting the Housh-Foster deal. Do you feel differently now with the improvement of DeShaun coupled with his backup's injury?

"I don't feel differently, but I wasn't as worried about it as I let on, just frustrated that immediate returns were not good. DeShaun Foster will never be a superstar running back, though I am pleased with his injured backup and reasonably good returns in the past two weeks. TJ Houshmandzadeh probably won't be anything more than a suitable number two receiver, which I have a lot of, so he was expendable. I guess I always believed I could create a package that would yield a running back of greater value, and no one was biting, so any trade I made was going to look weak in my own mind."

Are you comfortable going through the rest of this season with Chad Pennington and Brett Farve in the QB spot?

"Of course not, but that's the path I chose when I didn't elect to keep a quarterback and waited in the draft, eventually getting [Kurt] Warner. I knew the risks. More likely than not, I'll be in a constant state of flux at QB, playing the hot hand and rotating a lot of guys onto the roster. You could do worse than Favre as a backup, since his breakout game potential is immense."

Antonio Bryant has been ineffective and petulant the last three weeks. With three outstanding WRs and 4 solid backs, is his roster spot in jeopardy?

"Not until the bye season has passed. As with most receivers, with the exception of the top few, his value will ebb and flow over the course of the season. He has a couple great games left in him, even if it means enduring the shit games. I tried moving him when he was at his best, to no avail, so now I'll use him when I need him."

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Ladies and Gentleman- Baron Brendel, Fresh Legs

How worried are you about Brian Westbrook's health from here on out?

"I am very worried about Brian Westbrook. At lot of my success this year depends on him and Carson Palmer. I think just about every week from here on out I will see a 'Q' by his name. That is not something you want as a fantasy owner."

After riding high at 2-1, you've lost 2 straight and have Stem on tap this week. With the league as tight as it is, do you think that you could ever fall out of the race?

"I think I'm falling out of the race as we speak. With the parity in the league, no week is a given win. My guys have to perform week in and week out. So much of my success this year depends on the health of my players. 4 of my 5 keepers all suffered season ending injuries. So I was taking a gamble building my team the way I did, but when all my players are in the lineup, I am a force to be reckoned with. But if I have trouble filling a lineup with healthy players, I am going to have a hard time staying competitive."

Did you know that they publish inactive lists on many websites along the interweb before the games start?

"Yes, I am aware that I can look at active/inactive lists. Unfortunately, the last two weeks, I have not been able to be at a computer as the 1:00 games get underway. So I have had to go off incomplete information when setting my lineups."

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Filling in for our next owner, Brent Whitlock of the ChamPeons, will be me.

What do you do with Daunte Culpepper from here?

"Culpepper is going to ride the bench for a while until: 1) I know he is the starter again and 2) The Dolphins play someone that sucks. Sucks can vary from week to week, but I'll use my judgement on who sucks...usually the record gives it away. However, the most important thing to keep in mind from the aforementioned is that Culpepper WILL NOT be starting for the ChamPeons in Week 9 when they travel to take on the Bears. The forecast for the Dolphins and Culpepper in Week 9 is: PAIN."

Do you feel comfortable with 2 rookies who are sharing carries as every-week starters on your club?

"Joseph Addai and Lawerence Maroney. I feel comfortable with it in the fact that both of these kids are on their way up, and they will be the future of their franchises in the not too distant future...or next season. Being young is going to have it's speed bumps, and they are viewed as on par with the other running backs on their team by their head coaches, but I feel that they are my best chance to produce a touchdown and points each week. Sometimes, I have to muster a few duds, but this is a running backs league. I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm playing more running backs than receivers because backs have more scoring potential. Plus, I need start my young backs because I can't have a whole roster of Eddie Kennisons...otherwise I would."

If you had to pick a favorite state in the US, which would you pick? Also, will the Bears ever lose?

"I'd probably rank Iowa number one...followed by Indiana...and then I might slight Colorado in the three slot...Connecticut would be last. Fuck that state!

In my eyes, the Bears never lose."

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Thanks Champ. Andrew Stem of Cellar Dwellers is next.

With Shaun Alexander's status unknown and Larry Fitzgerald set to miss time, do you feel your depth is sufficient to stay afloat until they come back?

"In all honesty, I feel like my luck is about to run out. I am without a doubt, the worst 3-2 team in the history of VUFSA football, and without Alexander and Fitzgerald (although I hope for them to both be back in a couple of weeks), I am in serious trouble. At this point, I would be very happy to hold on and make the playoffs."

Do you have any plans or any desire to make any moves with your club?

"I would like to make a move of some sort. I've already tried a couple of them, but we couldn't agree on a deal in time. I might try a little later, but I'm not ready to sacrifice the future for one year, especially since I don't think this team has the chance to win it all."

What are your feelings about someone with the talent yet inconsistency of Kevin Jones?

"As a fan of the Lions, and his fantasy owner, there's nothing more aggravating than watching Kevin Jones every week. He looks fantastic one week and then looks like he would barely make the Valpo football team the next. I should have added some more RB depth in the draft (stupid Greg Jones), but I am forced to go with him every week."

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Our next speaker, The Slumpbusters GM Eli Gieryna, has been out of reach all week long. I'll fake his answers like I did Champ's.

Do you feel your team has a glaring weakness right now and is there a way to address it?

This team's only glaring weakness is it's consistency. And tight end.

Will you ever be able to find a starting spot for Bernard Berrian or Reggie Williams?

Probably only on bye weeks.

Is there a market for your QB surplus? If the answer is "I don't know" or "no" how long will you keep 4 QBs on your roster?

Yes, there is a market- I plan on bending JR over sometime very soon.

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Naj Davenport's Poop Owner Andy Viano took time from moving to give three very good answers:

Do you feel that your team is as good as any in the league right now?

"No, I don't think my team is as good as Ed's and I'm probably on the same level with Eli, JR and Baron, but I like my playoff chances right and as long as I get to the playoffs I think I might be able to sneak one past the Schillingers. I've got enough healthy depth at running back to the point where I'm not worried about really low numbers ever going up, and I'm really happy with the consistency of my three wideouts (Jennings, Walker and Ward) as long as Biker Ben stops channeling the ghost of Kordell Stewart soon. Obviously, Peyton Manning also keeps The Poop dangerous and hooked all the guys up with free DirecTV and Snickers."

Are you worried for Ronnie Brown in the Miami offense?

"No, he catches a lot of passes which has been a big help and the Dolphins have absolutely nothing else at running back except Lee Suggs who was bad enough to be released by Drew's favorite team. While the Dolphins may suck, I'm not counting on huge numbers from any of my backs, just a consistent 9-12 points each week, and Ronnie's 37-yard, 6-catch, 1 TD days do that. Was he worth a first round draft pick last year? Looking back, probably not, but he's a keeper for me now and most likely will be again next season."

With so many teams looking for young, talented running backs, do you have current plans to move any of yours?

"Absolutely not. I love my stable of young backs, especially for the playoff run this season. I love the fact that these guys are going to get more and more carries as the season progresses and some could be major contributors in the playoffs. The way I see it, I could keep [four] running backs and Manning next year, so none of the main guys (Brown, Parker, Barber, Norwood and Benson) are going anywhere. Mike Bell is a possibility, but it would still take a lot since I'm not sold on Tatum Bell through a whole season and there still remains the chance that in his (or Benson's) case they could see major time late in the season after their teams have clinched playoff spots, just in time for the VUFSA postseason."

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Even thought it's really tacky to ask yourself questions, Ed Schillinger- owner of Madd Skillz

With his rushing numbers down and his recent injury a terrifying one, would you ever consider trading Larry Johnson?

"There's no question I would. I've actually already considered it on a number of weeks. Problem is that I would probably make it cost-prohibitive for another team to make the deal. In a keeper league, he's harder to deal than in a yearly redraft league. If the proper package came along, I would be able to pull the trigger. LaDanian Tomlinson is another story."

Will there ever come a week where Kellen Winslow gets the starting nod over a healthy/active Antonio Gates?

"Probably not. Winslow's been a pleasant suprise for me, doubling Gates' catches and matching his TDs. The window for Winslow to start on my team has probably closed now that the Chargers trust Philip Rivers a little bit- I assume Gates will be a beneficiary of that."

Will you ever consider starting Drew Bledsoe ever again?

"I hate to steal a direct quote from Bill Parcells, but the thought of that shithead in my starting lineup makes me want to vomit."