Power Rankings, Bitches

By DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

Bitch, get me some ice cream! But before you do, be damn aware that DeJuan C3P0 is back for some lovin', bloggy style, and doing the Fight the Power Rankings this week, so hold on tight and open wide.

1. Madd Skillz (6-1). Shit. Embarrassing. Who the hell allowed this bitch to get Steve Smith, Larry Johnson and my boy L.D.N.T.M.SON? That's what we call him on the street, while he be busy owning hussies. Bitch got three 20-point performances this week and now has a one-game lead on second place, and a two-game lead on everyone else. What doesn't he have? A quarterback dawg! Matt Hasselbeck's sexy, rogaine-depleted Superdome is cracked and Drew Bledsoe is sitting on the sidelines sampling some of that same great shit T.O. had a few weeks back. Several million reasons to live, dawg. Several million reasons to live. CHARLIE BATCH WILL LIVE FOREVER. I don't know why I said that so loud, or why I said it at all. Shit. Embarrassing. Shawne Merriman, I TOLD YOUR ASS that you would get burned if you went to J-Kwon-Doe for your supplemental needs, and look where you're at now. What's a power ranking again?

2. Naj Davenport's Poop (5-2). Dog, every man has taken his kids to his ex-girlfriend's hamper pool once in a while, so kudos to this man for keeping it real with the team name. Also, dude has gotten the most out of White Trash Peyton's Place, who seems ready to take his trailer roadshow to the air for good. Y'all. Too bad his running backs smell like that time I swallowed a bean burrito and a joint at the same time, and it all came out the other end, if you know what I'm saying. In ex-mistress Laquita Landry's closet, no less. Too bad Ronnie Brown takes a vacation next week against Dave Tomke's Romo Samurai Superforce, so it could be a damn good upset special. But shit, dog has won four in a row.

3. The Nihilist Marmot (4-3). Yo, this fucker leads the league in dogs who look like Ronde Barber, and that was a damn good thing this week when Ronde pranced into the end zone twice. But that was lucky, my bitches...what isn't lucky is that the Mary Kate and Ashley Olson twins on the Colts are alive and well, Ronde's broham is still owning bitches even while his fatboy Brandon Jacobs picks up points, and the running backs are doing their thing. Yo, who the fuck is Drew Carter? Dog, the only Drew Carter I know was with the Backstreet Boys back when I was doing the mall tour thing, opening for some up-and-comers. Shit, that Drew Carter knew how to throw it down. I'm pretty sure he started to suck, then became black and joined the Jake Delhomme Just-As-White-Trash-As-Peyton-Manning Circus. Fuck Drew Carter. Hey hey, check out the byes TNM's opponent has next week. Look at that Mexican tight end haul it in!

4. The Slumpbusters (4-3). Eli's team is a lot like the fine miss Sherry Stringfield on NBC sitcom "ER." Every time it looks like it's going to be her show, that she is just a little bit more of a fox this season and some other star has gone elsewhere to do infomercials or motion pictures or shit, she always gets overshadowed by some other new star or new show. Now, it's like Grey's Anatomy and House and shit, ain't nobody even know Sherry Stringfield is still out there, with her perky breasts and her life-saving surgeries. Fuck! Well, that's Eli's team, loosely, because he's got all these stars that ain't doing shit, and this was the worst week yet. Too bad four of his chumps are out next week against TNM, which means it's gonna be a big bad uphill battle to avoid being .500. Sisyphus or whatever. Dog, I don't know if making the playoffs is your thing. Shit, remember when everyone thought Maurice Morris was the new Sherry Stringfield?

5. ChamPeons (4-3). Tough loss this week to the Marmot, especially with Ben Roethlisberger pausing in the third quarter to do a bike safety commercial and missing the rest of the game. Weak sauce from the rookie running backs this time around, although this is the third one-hondo week in four tries. Plus, Dr. DirecTV gets Abraham and Mexico in the next couple weeks, both things that are in the Bible, so God should be on his side. Let my people go, dog.

6. Fresh Legs (3-4). Anybody notice that Baron Brendel has the best running back depth in the league? I do, but I am also too lazy to look at everybody else's roster to make sure. Step off. Dude was missing two stray cats this week and still hung tough with Skillz, telling me he's got what it takes to make one of those playoff spots. And let's not forget the flowing locks of Troy Motherloving Polamalu! Samoans are delicious. Dog, I was talking about the girl scout cookie, not Polamalu in an Esera Tuaolo kind of way. Whatchyou thinking? God damn. Girl scout cookies are for real.

7. Tice's Partyboat (3-4). Edgerrin James looks a lot like me, accept without the stellar fucking flair for the dramatic, and also, with a little bit more Biggest Bust in Fantasy Football all over his blood red jersey. Edgerrin James was exactly what we thought he was. Except less. Too bad for the Float of Fornication, but a nice 120 points is the elixir for all life's ails, along with scotch on the rocks. Damn straight, I'm that high brow. Problem is, bitches, you can't expect Alge Crumpler, Randy Moss and Mike Furrey to have big weeks at the same time like this again. Dog, Furrey is just a shit-bad name for a football player. Or, you know, anyone. I hear "Mike Furrey" and think of the Ebonic-Spitting Teddy Ruxpin I got in first grade.

8. Who is Ron Mexico? (1-6). Holla for your first win! It says in the Bible or something that a dude will come to lead them, and now that they sort of have their shit together, they have Tony Romo to lead them. It's biblical. Too bad fat Ron Dayne was in the lineup this week, but Tomke gets a win despite not having his best lineup in play with byes and shit. Next week, this bitch is gonna be a scary opponent for the Poop.

9. Father Abraham (2-5). It was about two people this week for Old Abe, one of them being the Mama's Boy in Philly and one of them being Leon Washington. Shit, that's about it. Is Joey Galloway taking pills or something? Is Troy Williamson really still on this team? Why do I feel the urge to scratch my essentials every time I hear the name "Jericho Cotchery." My balls itch.

10. Cellar Dwellars (3-4). Bottom line, Jose, you can't play ball while two of your best players are on the sidelines making out with hot bitches, then have Ernest Wilford finish in the negatives, then have LaMont Jordan also make out with some hot bitches, and then also have Eric Moulds somewhere near your active roster. And also, you have Kevin Jones and Verron Haynes. And also, Donte Stallworth is dead. And also, this is seriously the most unlucky guy since I tried to get a date at a townie line dance bar in upper West Virginia back in 1998. I was pretty sure Ursula Smith-Denise was coming home with DeJuan that night. There was magic and Toby Keith music in the air.