Week 2 Preview

Despite the fact that I got only two of my five predictions right last week, I'm still pretty confident that I'm awesome. Moving onto week two, I'm going to label the matchups from best to worst in this order: (1) My favorite Tiger, (2) My second favorite Tiger, (3) A Tiger that I like, (4) A Tiger that I don't like, (5) A Tiger that I hope dies.

Jeremy "Bondo!" Bonderman
Thom is a Man-Whore (1-0) at Madd Skillz (0-1)

Thom is a Man-Whore
Stem, what the hell. First off, you wrecked my picks from the first week, and second of all, you changed your name from the only name you've ever had, as far as I know. But maybe it's the dawning of a new age. A new age in which Adrian Peterson uses his horse cock to catch 60-yard touchdown passes. Who knows? But you and I both know that Peterson won't do it this week, Stem. And why? Because he's playing the motherfucking LIONS, baby. So, just take Peterson out of the mix in the this matchup. I'm thinking that Tom Brady is going to continue to throw a lot all season long, hopefully to Randy Moss. Did anyone else notice Moss's beard? If I had seen that before week one, I would have started him. Seriously. Calvin Johnson looks like the truth and Lamont Jordan and Shaun Alexander both answered questions in week one after blowing dong last season. All of the sudden, no one wants to play Stem's team. And despite all of this, Stem refuses to talk trash and/or trade me Adrian Peterson. Dick.

Madd Skillz
Updating what I wrote about Ed's team last week, Grand Valley State's women's soccer team is now #1 in the nation and Katy Tafler has scored eight goals in six games. Awesome. I actually have to work with the football team (also #1 in the nation) tonight as we take on the mighty Findlay Oilers (not mighty at all, and also don't have Warren Moon). Could Donovan McNabb be the next Daunte Culpepper? They're both black, for one. Also, they both hurt their knees and possibly suck afterward. Plus they both put up career years with unbelievable recievers (T.O./Moss) and then ride that reputation as far as they can. I'm thinking McNabb won't be as good as everyone thinks this year. Sorry, Edwin. Ronald Curry's stats last week were padded by the fact that the Lions were playing soft coverage late in the game that allowed him to rack up some yards and such. Don't expect a repeat performance again Champ Bailey and Dre' Bly. Why are you starting him, Ed? Larry Johnson will get 50 carries this week because now everyone knows that they suck balls if he doesn't. And the Lions' passing game will allow Tatum Bell to have a decent week.

Prediction:
I really wanted to take Stem because of the Brady/McNabb difference, but then I saw that it was Bell vs. a receiver in the flex spot. God dammit, Stem. I'm picking Ed in this one, but in a close one.

Curtis Granderson (Check his WARP3)
Taste the Happy (0-1) at Tony Fucking Romo (1-0)

Taste the Happy
Joey Ballgame is not quite the quarterback I made him out to be. Sorry, T. Gun. That will hurt Alge Crumpler for the rest of his life. Jon Kitna is going to put up some monster numbers this season. With Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson abusing cornerbacks, he'll have single coverage on dudes all season long, especially with the Furr-Burger in the slot. Torry Holt, Andre Johnson and T.J. Houshmanzadeh all scored last week and are a good bet to score again this week. After trading him Housh last week, I worked hard with the Gun to bring a second consecutive week with a trade between us, but it just didn't happen. We came close, though. Steven Jackson can't be that bad again, can he? He sure can, since Orlando Pace is done for the year. Laurence Maroney and Travis Henry will put up double-digits, but Julius Jones will not, because Tony Romo will spit in his face.

Tony Fucking Romo
"Tony Romo will score 67 points and have sex with three cheerleaders." I said that just one week ago, and, except for about 30 points, I was right. And get ready you sons of bitches, because it's going to happen every week. If I had started both Randy Moss and Chris Brown last week, I might have beaten Stem for highest point total. I'd add it up, but I'd rather just assume that I would have then actually figure it out. Chances are I'll start them this week and they'll miss Sunday's game because they're having buttsex with each other or something. I guess that's a chance that I'm willing to take. Colston and Bush play Tampa Bay this week, and they're a lot worse than Indianapolis. Also, if I'm Sean Payton, don't I try to get the ball in Bush's hands at some point during the game? Because that was not his game plan against the Colts. Although I really wish I had drafted Peterson, since him and Bush would have been a great future 1-2, I really can't complain since Antonio Gates basically gives me a 10-point advantage every week.

Prediction:
While I'll get better all-around numbers than I did last week, I won't have the huge advantage at quarterback, since Kitna will put up good numbers, just like Romo. I'm going to have to pick The Gun in this one, but this will be another close matchup.

Magglio Ordonez (If for no other reason than his hair)
The Hulkamaniacs (1-0) at Who Wants to Sex Mbaye? (1-0)

The Hulkamaniacs
Matt Hasselbeck will go back to just handing the ball of the Shaun Alexander, checking out his sweet hairline and "taking the ball and we're going to score!" He won't be good this year. Drew's receivers, on the other hand, are a different story. Lavaraneus Coles and Plaxico Burress both have weird first names, but they combined for five touchdowns last week. Braylon Edwards plays for Cleveland. What are the odds on Brady Quinn playing some minutes this week? Coles production won't be as good with Chad Pennington out (or will it) and neither will Plax's with Eli "I'm a little bitch" Manning injured and the running game in the hands of Derrick "I don't who this guy is so I can't make a joke" Ward. Wow, Drew lost Eli, Jacobs, and for all intents and purposes, Burress that game. Sucks to be you, Drew. Speaking of Drew, Maurice Jones-Drew finally realized that he sucks last week. My guess is that he will not live up to expectations this year, much like I said last week. Todd Heap: Still White.

Who Wants to Sex Mbaye?
Peyton Manning must spend a whole lot of time filming commercials. He also spends a lot of time throwing touchdowns. Viano celebrates both. I still don't really like Viano's receiving corps, other than Javon Walker who has a D next to his name (which could either mean "doubtful" or "douchebag"). Jerious Norboner is supposed to get more into the offense this week, which is a bonus for Viano since he average ten inches, I mean yards, per carry. That was a boner size joke, for those of you that missed it. Other than Cedric Benson, who always looks, to me, like he's going to cry, I really like Viano's running backs. Willie Parker and Willis McGahee will come to play this week. Dallas Clark is white, too, so that might negate the whiteness of Heap.

Prediction:
In the matchup of white tight ends, I'm taking Viano. I think Drew lost too much last week. He has the advantage at reciever, but Viano has a big advantage in the running back spot, and that's enough to win. Plus Peyton Manning.

Todd Jones (Fuck you, Todd Jones)
ChamPeons (0-1) at Slick (0-1)

ChamPeons
Roy Williams and T.O. benefit from being on the Lions and playing with Tony Romo, respectively. They both scored touchdowns last week, and my guess is that they will both score about 30 touchdowns right up until the two teams meet in the NFC championship. Drew Brees will be a lot better than he was last week, and Lee Evans... will not. J.P. Losman blows. Didn't Brandon Jackson only have about 13 yards last week. Did the Packers seriously win? What the dick. Brett Favre is not intimidating, so I don't think Jackson will improve all that much. Joseph Addai and Frank Gore are both really good at fantasy football and Champ is still starting a white receiver at the flex spot, which I respect.

Slick
Slick had the bad luck to run into Tony "Jesus" Romo in the first week. Not that it would have mattered, because I could have beaten him with Vince Young. That would have Romo (37, I think), Chris Brown (19?) and Randy Moss (19?) all on the bench and me still winning. Eat it, Slick. But don't worry, because I was there a couple years ago. My advice? Trade away your guys for draft picks. I'll give you a sixth rounder for Jamal Lewis. Hit it up. Also, Cadillac Williams isn't healthy right now, so you might want to look at benching him. How long can a guy suck before he loses the right to have a nick-name? Like, if Williams never really comes back, will people still call him Cadillac? Or will they start calling him "Shitdick" or something like that? I'm interested.

Prediction:
Slick's in for some trouble this season. How many games did I win my first season, two? I'm taking the under for Slick. Pucker up your asshole, son.

Neifi Perez (No joke needed)
What's New Pussycat? (0-1) at Which Bear is Best (1-0)

What's New Pussycat?
I'm thinking about boycotting writing about this team until it gets a new name. Seriously, I get angry every time that I write it. Baron, please let me know what was going through your mind when you wrote it the first time. I'm seriously curious. As a matter of fact, I'm doing it. All I'm writing is that I have no idea who Drew Carter is, except that for a second I thought he was Nick and Aaron Carter's brother.

Which Bear is Best
Warrick Dunn didn't have a great day last week and his numbers will probably go down when Jerious Nordong starts carrying the rock more often. Derrick Ward is a gamble, but a nice pickup anyway. The Giants will probably run the ball a whole lot, especially if that huge white quarterback gets the start. Portis and James had better weeks than I thought they would last week, which helped J.R. topple Ed, which we all appreciate, no matter what our feelings toward Ed are.

Prediction:
FUCK. Baron.