W2R: The unlikeliest 0-2

History was made in week two of the VUFSA, with quite possibly the best single-player performance ever, and some other general tidbits, which can be found at the end of the recap. The league's spunky and smarmy former expansion owners had the top two scores of the week, with one celebrating by throwing around self-promoting obscenities and the other celebrating by quoting Tom Jones. The two surprise stories of the year unfolded in one matchup, when one of the league's new top dogs proved week one was no fluke and brought the league's perennial heaviest weight down to 0-2. Cue the NFL Primetime Music.
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Thom is A Man-Whore - 133.75
Madd Skillz - 128.50

Game Summary: Huh? Maybe I praised Andrew Stem last week, but I still didn't expect him to beat Ed, who has remarkably fallen to 0-2 with inarguably the best running backs on the face of the planet. The two regular season losses already surpasses the lone loss of 2006, and he has now lost four in a row when counting last year's playoff amazement. He has to be wondering how this is happening to him, and we are too. Stem, a preseason laughingstock, is getting the last laugh with superb quarterback play and awfully consistent contributions across the board. Ed's quarterback, Donovan McNabb, had a ho-hum 12 points on Monday night, and the thunder once again came up short for the second consecutive week.

Thom is a Man-Whore: Tom Brady (26.25) has his second straight excellent week, aided by the cameras that showed defensive formations, which were unnecessary when Brady distracted defenders by getting handsomeness all over their jerseys. Larry Fitzgerald has started slowly, but eight players were in double digits, though none went beyond 15 points except Brady. Good week for kickers, and Jeff Wilkins had 11.5 points, while LaMont Jordan (15) is making an early case for comeback player of the year. Calvin Johnson (11.5) has made the biggest impact of any rookie thus far.

Madd Skillz: Given that he figured to have the Champ Bailey treatment, the 3 points by newcomer Ronald Curry shouldn't be a surprise. But how about LaDainian Tomlinson (6.5) and Larry Johnson (7.5) barely showing up on the radar? Slow starts by both have definitely hurt Skillz' plans, though rebound for his two prized possessions is virtually guaranteed. Monster weeks by Steve Smith (29.5), Chad Johnson (27.5) and to a lesser extent, Rudi Johnson (17) are somehow negated by Stem's consistency-killing-the-cat. Tatum Bell (4) far less exciting in week 2.

Deep see?: Without question, it's not the time to yet be alarmed by the struggles of LDT (when was he last under double-digits?) and Larry Johnson. The real concern for Ed this year is depth. With Tatum Bell likely to be supplanted by Kevin Jones, at least if the Lions have their ideal situation come to fruition, it's easy to see some chinks in Ed's armor. He doesn't have much to fill that flex spot if Tatum becomes less useful, unless you count Ron Dayne. Surely every team has its own problems, especially with depth, but the surprising 0-2 start has possibly cast doubt on the Ed empire. He'll have to earn his wins this year, particularly in week five, when the Cincinnati Johnsons and Don McNabb take a seat together. Or week 7, when LDT and Steve Smith both have byes.
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Tony Fucking Romo - 138.25
Taste The Happy - 120.75

Game Summary: All hail the newest force in the VUFSA, Davisson Lovelace Tomke. He won convincingly in week one, but really managed a quality victory over Taste The Happy, sending an unhappy Eli Gieryna to 0-2. All six receivers in the matchup scored touchdowns, including two apiece for four different dudes. With the wideouts fairly equal, it was Tony Romo and Antonio Gates who carried the day.

Tony Fucking Romo: Romo (21.5) had his second straight great week, and so did Randy Moss (20.00), who is suddenly looking like the stud receiver of his early career. Joey Galloway was the real sleeper special of the day, catching two scores and 20 points. Tomke got some help from the fat of the land, with a surprise 12 points coming from Lendale White (deftly started ahead of Chris Brown's 3.5 points) and 12.5 from Antonio Gates.

Taste the Happy: It was love-him-and-leave-him by Andre Johnson, whose 21.5 points was highly sexy and good for his team's top individual scoring effort of the week, but he may now miss next week and beyond with a PCL injury. Bench receiver Patrick Crayton took an 0-fer for the week and his options at wideout remain thin, unless an emerging James Jones can be counted upon despite the return of Greg Jennings in Green Bay. TJ Houshmandzadeh has four touchdowns in two weeks, and Jon Kitna's "miracle" comeback turned an awful injury-plagued week into a respectable 14 points. Something tells me no miracle will keep him in the lineup next week, however.

Let's make a deal: The heat of (passion) battle inspired the two owners to make the first blockbuster trade of the year, with Eli sending Laurence Maroney to Tomke for a fat Ronnie Brown, Kellen Winslow and Vince Young. Lots of youth and a surplus of talent to Eli, who could very well end up with the deal's best player in Young. Maroney is more reliable than Brown for now, but you have to like the big return, even though Tomke could afford much of the giveaway with Gates (TE) and Romo (QB) playing suitably in positions of depth.
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The Hulkamaniacs - 123.25
WhoWantsToSexMbaye - 114.75

Game Summary: He might be the defending champion, but fast starts have never been owner Drew Wolf's thing, starting each of the previous two seasons 0-3. He made the playoffs both times, but this must seem like an embarrassment of riches by comparison, a 2-0 start despite a duct taped crew of performers. Braylon Edwards comes of nowhere in one of the NFL's craziest games in a while to make life shitty for Mbaye, who got nothing from his receivers, and went unsexed.

The Hulkamaniacs: Then again, Drew didn't get shit from his running backs and still won. Maurice Jones-Drew (3.50), DeAngelo Williams (3.50) and Marshawn Lynch (7.50) didn't exactly make up for the absence of an injured Brandon Jacobs, but less likely point sources came through. Among them was defender Shawne Merriman (11.25), whose monster day was the biggest outcome for any one defender thus far. Adam Vinatieri was good for 10 points, Todd Heap was at 12.50, Matt Hasselbeck crawled to 13.50, but the real story was Edwards, who pushed 150 yards and caught two touchdowns for 23 points in a wild all-Ohio shootout. He may have arrived, just then.

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?: Peyton Manning is nice to have around when 16 points qualifies as a bona fide down week, but Viano's receivers (Javon Walker with 9, Darrell Jackson with 4.5 and Vincent Jackson with 4) weren't getting any more love than Peyton's real wideouts. The points came from the bolstered running game, with Willie Parker's 19 leading a trio of double-digit efforts, and white tight end Dallas Clark was worth 12.50. Neal Rackers made an appearance and provided 12 points. Jerious Norwood (3.50) has not blossomed as hoped, at least not yet. Will Warrick Dunn sufficiently die in time? Cat Fancy almost ruined his career.

In the running?: Drew might be 2-0, but it's hard to win in the league when running backs are not clicking. Jones-Drew has been disappointing thus far, and nobody expects Lynch or Williams to vault into superiority overnight. Drew's big guns last week (Coles and Burress) were spelled by new guns this week, so he could be riding a wave of Radcliffian luck. Not saying, just saying.
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What's New Pussycat? - 132.25
Which Bear Is Best - 113.00

Game Summary: It has to rank as one of the highest "lowest score of the week" totals for WBIB, which was far from sparkling but still reasonably good enough to win against eight opponents last week, including himself. Such is life in the VUFSA, which obviously hit a major up-turn in scoring this week. There wasn't a whole lot to this matchup -- it was basically the Carson Palmer show. He threw six touchdowns, racked up an insane 47.25 points in a league where 30s is off the charts, managed to lose a football game and still single-handedly made Baron's team the second-highest scorer of the week.

What's New Pussycat: Did we mention Carson Palmer? Apparently, he's good. Once traded by WBIB to Baron (for fellow Baron-ite Brian Westbrook, in fact -- a deal that was famously chastised as notoriously one-sided in the wrong direction), the golden boy from USC is trying to make good on his quest to surpass Peyton Manning as the "it" quarterback. The rest of Baron's team was mostly uninspiring, not that it matters. Donald Driver (13.50) and Westbrook (16.0) had good weeks, and Ahman Green (13) gave a nice lift out of the flex. The rest of his team combined for a buxom 42.75 points, including nine from a kicker. The Saints awful offense is crushing Deuce McAllister (2)

Which Bear is Best: Fared slightly better than in week one, with Edgerrin James (20), Clinton Portis (13), waiver pickup Derrick Ward (12) and Marc Bulger (16) all having nice weeks. With Indy's passing attack not quite on all cylinders and often meddling with white people like Dallas Clark, the Colts sisters were down, and last-second switches Brandon Marshall and Fred Taylor did not outperform their backups, though non-moves would not have altered the overall outcome.

Big play Bear?: Perhaps the biggest problem with WBIB is a lack of a superstar who can do what Carson Palmer did. Edgerrin James won't be at 20 points all year, and even Radcliffe's top skill guys (Wayne and Harrison) limit the other's opportunity at a monster day. If one explodes, the other will likely be held to small totals and thus average out the overall picture. Unless Portis returns to form, he'll need consistency across the board every week to win, and that's a tall order.
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Slick - 128.25
ChamPeons - 120.25

Game Summary: So much for Slick playing the role of doormat this year. In just his second-ever VUFSA game, the new owner claims victory, thanks largely to the performances of running backs Jamal Lewis (27 points) and Marion Barber (21). Champ had six players reach 11 or better, but he was haunted by a second straight no-show week for Lee Evans and got edged in the end, dropping his sleeper special team to 0-2.

Slick: Hard for a team with this kind of talent to have a great week, especially when Devery Henderson brings in a zero. But the running backs were sensational, including Cadillac Williams, who went from game time decision to 18-point scorer, even if he needed an I.V. at halftime. Lewis was bolstered by a long run for touchdown, and a scoring shootout that not many people saw coming. Barber has turned into a money-man for Dallas, and extra boosts came from Matt Leinart (13.75) and Chris Cooley (8).

ChamPeons: Frank Gore (21) did his part. Lots of quality contributions without anyone else doing spectacularly well, and Evans (1) really screwed the pooch, again. Brandon Jackson (6) doesn't appear to be the answer in Green Bay, Kevin Curtis (3) is not getting much love in Philly's stagnant offense and Champ lost despite nice contributions from his three defenders (19.25 points). As was the case in all matchups this week, it's not like the loser tanked. I have to think it's the highest average score in VUFSA history.

Extra mile research: Not only is this the first time in VUFSA history that 10 owners have reached 100 points, it's the first time in history that nine have reached 100. In fact, only once, the third week of 2005, did eight owners reach the mark in the 10-owner era. In 2004, the first year of VUFSA play, all eight owners did clear 100 once, in week 10, when Radcliffe's 109.25 was the low score. Twice that year, seven of eight owners reached the mark, but seven owners or more have crossed the century mark in just five of the 29 weeks preceding this one.
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Next week: Can Tomke keep his dominance and ego afloat with a trip to visit Andy Viano's Mbaye Machine? Surely Madd Skillz will rebound against Slick, right? Then again, Ed would have won by a league-record 0.25 points if the two teams had played this week. ChamPeons and Taste The Happy meet in a surprising matchup of misery -- which team will fall to 0-3?