W3R: Everybody hurts

Injuries became the story of week 3, overshadowing the blockbuster trades in the preceding week -- the ones that could not keep the league's most beleaguered owner from remaining the only winless team. Three squads remain unbeaten, with Monday Thunder either enough for victory or not enough for an upset. It was back on track for Madd Skillz. Dave Tomke went with neither his head, his heart nor his groin in a quarterback decision. Andrew Stem kept his surprise season unblemished and the new guy showed last week was no fluke. Where can I buy an Eagles retro jersey?
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Tony Fucking Romo - 117.00
WhoWantsToSexMbaye? - 103.75

Game Summary: The Monday Thunder came through, with Reggie Bush's 17.50 points leading the Saints-speckled charge to victory and a 3-0 record for the Lovers of Romo. Very bizarre benching of team's sexually objectified namesake almost cost owner Tomke dearly, though he has already pledged his (erotic) love and never-ending support to Romo going forward. The big problem facing Tomke is the loss of recently-acquired Deuce McAllister, though his departure does make Bush a bigger boon of points. Boooon.

Tony Fucking Romo: Bush (17.5) provided a harbinger of things to come with McAllister (0.5) gone, as he now moves from a top 10-15 running back to a top 5-8. DeShaun Foster goes off (24.5), perhaps suggesting that the DeAngelo Williams era is not as imminent as previously believed. Tomke also traded for Laurence Maroney, who provided an average 10 points in his first action with the new team. Randy Moss (19.5) continues to play like it's 1999, though Joey Galloway (4) came back to his underachieving self. Regardless of defense, Romo (20.5) is a foolish sit in favor of Jeff Garcia (6.5), but Tomke survives despite going with his inner homosexual this week.

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?: The hurricane didn't come, and while Tomke is the surprising winner in a running-back-by-committee situation with Foster, Viano has to be getting antsy with Jerious Norwood (5.5), who was supposed to be a standout running back by now. Javon Walker (1) and Darrell Jackson (5) really killed an otherwise even performance, with double digits belonging to six players. Dallas Clark (10) has started out the season white and right, and that's always double the pleasure with Peyton Manning (16) throwing the ball. Joe Addai is crimping Peyton's big point totals, however. He should live up to his commercial promise and pass.

Irony: We all laughed at Tomke when he oozed over Tony Romo, a useless backup quarterback, and threatened to start him when he had much better options. In the end, Romo has become the better option in virtually all cases. The Garcia start becomes a meaningless case study in why playing the matchups is a tread-lightly principle, but it's amazing that one of Tomke's obsessions has rapidly improved his career to this point.
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Thom is A Man-Whore - 118.25
Which Bear Is Best - 70.50

Game Summary: Stem officially becomes a league title threat with a 3-0 start to his VUFSA season, blessed by facing the week's low scorer and winning convincingly with a mediocre week. Tom Brady has been carrying Stem's team with a fantasy season that will be legendary at the current pace, and the resurgence of LaMont Jordan has given Stem a running attack previously considered absent. Marc Bulger lays one of the biggest eggs in recent league history (at least, until Drew Brees takes the field), but even a Herculean effort by WBIB's quarterback would have not been enough against a surging Stem.

Thom is a Man-Whore: Whose figurative cock gets sucked more, Brett Favre's or Brady (32.75)? Brady has gone from a "winner" to being one of the league's premier fantasy weapons, and he's turned Randy Moss into a stallion again, not to mention every other player in the Patriots offense. Adrian Peterson (16.5) is the only thing clicking for Minnesota right now -- Stem hopes he doesn't catch up with the rest of the offense and start to suck substantial wang. I am aiming to keep the genitalia references in the recap on par with the preview. Only 27 to go. An injury to Calvin Johnson (3) could be concerning given Stem's weak wideout assortment, and Larry Fitzgerald (4) is one of the quieter MIA's in the early season.

Which Bear Is Best: Bulger (-2.75) has been a pretty large disappointment as a keeper quarterback, but again, his failure doesn't really matter this week. A second straight off-week for the Colts' primary weapons Marvin Harrison (5) and Reggie Wayne (6) spells immediate doom, especially with newly acquired Lee Evans (0.5) doing what made him available in the first place. Edgerrin James (5.5) falls back into his AARP rocking chair, and Radcliffe's problems REALLY take shape when Derrick Ward (13.5) is no longer a starting option in New York. Clinton Portis (16) has been a refreshing alpha back, though he sat his ass on the sidelines in crunch time for the Skins.

Points per retardation: It's the first time this year that a player has registered in the negatives, and Bulger's failure is hard to compare in VUFSA history due to the deletion of that data from the fantasy profile (maybe Ed will know). I would wager, however, this is the first week two starting quarterbacks have finished in the negatives. Four players have also logged zeros from the skill positions this year -- including Mark Clayton for Radcliffe in Week 1. Other spectacular zero failures have belonged to Slick (Devery Henderson in Week 1 and Deion Branch in Week 2) and Eli (Steven Jackson in Week 1). A bigger question: when does Stem stop behaving like an alter boy and get all "aw shucks" over his success and start talking trash like a man? Tell your opponent to suck a donkey dick, Stem. You're Andrew Fucking Stem.
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The Hulkamaniacs - 116.00
What's New Pussycat? - 114.50

Game Summary: Pussycat owner Baron Brendel promised a 100% chance of thunder, but his meteorology skills need some work. So does his football team, now at 1-2. Brian Westbrook absolutely goes off for Brendel, but Carson Palmer was not his dominant self, and despite a nice night from LenDale White, Baron's Monday offering was just short in an exciting finish.

The Hulkamaniacs: Drew's running backs are awful, and yet he is 3-0. Maurice Jones-Drew (1) is looking like a bust, and DeAngelo Williams (4) was getting massively outplayed by DeShaun Foster, who should have been dethroned already. Marshawn Lynch (14) had a nice week -- in fact, the second highest week for any Hulk player behind Hasselbeck (22), who surprisingly turns out to be a weak play in light of Eli Manning's 50-plus-point performance from Wolf's bench. Receivers Plaxico Burress (13) and Braylon Edwards (12.5) overcame injuries and questions about consistency, respectively, to have solid weeks.

What's New Pussycat?: Even with the big week from Westbrook (36.5) and decent offerings from Thomas Jones and White (12 apiece), this week showed just how average the team can be if Carson Palmer (12.75) is below average in a given week. Ahman Green (1) could be injured, and a bye week for both Titans running backs would leave Brendel very short-handed next week if Green is a no-go. Donald Driver (15) could be this year's Darrell Jackson -- aging veteran who will give you 13-18 points every week, and a primary target if he stays healthy.

Dumping Deuce: Brendel made a big move prior to week three, trading for White and Chris Brown while surrendering Deuce McAllister. The Saints back, off to a slow start this year, may now be out for the season with a torn ACL, making Brendel's move very fortuitous. In fact, several recent trade targets -- Hines Ward, Rudi Johnson, Seven Jackson, Andre Johnson, Chester Taylor -- have had recent injury questions, particularly after this week's games.
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Madd Skillz - 134.50
Slick - 126.75

Game Summary: The mighty VUFSA patriarch reclaims his throne with a nice point total, but the bigger story is that he needed most of it to ward off plucky Andrew Hansen, who has rebounded from a bad first week to post back-to-back exemplary outings. Nothing has come easily for Schillinger this year, and that trend continued the day after newly-acquired Steven Jackson had his first decent game of the year, now that a strained groin will force Skillz to improvise in the running back department for at least next week and maybe beyond. Fat Ronnie Brown impressed his new owner with a 38-point week, giving him the unlikely award for highest point total for any started individual this week.

Madd Skillz: Consistency helped Schillinger overcome a down week from Steve Smith (0.5), with every other skill position player save for tight end Vernon Davis reaching double digits. Donovan McNabb (33.25) assuaged Schillinger's fears of a wasted early draft pick, going bonkers for a huge week. Though Brown may have turned a corner in one game, Vernon Davis (4) is looking like a fantasy nobody in the early going of his career, and two weeks as an injury absence won't help. LDT (14.5) was very average again, but the "don't panic" principle will always apply with the game's top talent. A waiver wire pickup/start for Muhsin Muhammad (2) is a unique maneuver coming from Schillinger.

Slick: Slick's modest keeper pool showed up this week, with Anquan Boldin (28) having just about as good a week a a receiver can have, hauling in an insane 14 catches for 181 yard and two scores. Marion Barber (22.5) did all his damage in the second half, and a slightly injured/ineffective Julius Jones is making Barber look better and better as a top option. Plenty of reality check here, however, with guys like Amani Toomer (3), Bernard Berrian (6) and Jay Cutler (11) looking very average. Amani Toomer.

The Trade: Schillinger's embarrassingly talented running back stable took a huge hit with the loss of Jackson to injury, especially after he dealt underachieving Larry Johnson and Rudi Johnson to obtain the crown jewel of many drafts. Tomlinson is still the best in the league, and Ronnie Brown sure looked good -- but is he reliable? It's anyone's guess at this point who will fill the third running back spot next week, though Ron Dayne could be a starter in Houston if Ahman Green can't go. The Trade also brought in Andre Johnson, however, and his healthy return would bolster his receiving corps to be among the league's most dominant. Johnson does not sound probable for Week 4, however.
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ChamPeons - 125.25
Taste The Happy - 93.50

Game Summary: And now Eli Gieryna is 0-3. Such things should be expected from the hard luck franchise, who has a career record of 20-25 despite the second-most points in VUFSA lore. Even when things go well (trading Steven Jackson before an injury, playing against a negative-scoring quarterback), he still finds a way to struggle. Champ gets a much-needed win because of a fairy tale day from Kevin Curtis (34.5), who went from white receiver to unstoppable force when the Eagles met the Lions.

ChamPeons: Champ's team had an extraordinary round of noon games, with Roy Williams (20.5), Curtis and Joseph Addai (20.5) all getting him off on the right foot. The insurmountable lead was padded by 11 points from TO and defender Keith Bulluck, though the effort of Drew Brees (-3.75) surely has to be the worst single-game performance of any starter, doesn't it? Frank Gore (4) has a quiet week, as does new acquisition Warrick Dunn (4).

Taste The Happy: It was practically a new team for Gieryna this week, and quarterback Vince Young (17.5) did his new owner proud with a solid Monday night. It's time to start thinking of TJ Houshmandzadeh (16.5) as a truly elite wide receiver, and TTH struck lightning in a bottle with a good week from flex pickup Bobby Engram, (11.5). Now, the bad news. New running back tandem Larry Johnson (4.5) and Rudi Johnson (1.5) continued their disappointing start to the year, and Hines Ward (0.5) left with injury while Torry Holt (5.5) plays for the hapless Rams. Travis Henry (9) had a touchdown and virtually nothing else for the Broncos.

Carousel: In case you were not paying attention, here is how Eli's roster shaped itself during the week. In: Vince Young, Ronnie Brown, Kellen Winslow, Larry Johnson, Rudi Johnson, Mike Furrey, Hines Ward, Kenny Watson. Out: Laurence Maroney, Kenny Watson (yep, both ways), Steven Jackson, Ronnie Brown (also both ways), Andre Johnson, Philip Rivers, Chester Taylor, Mike Furrey (both ways). There have been seven trades in the VUFSA this year, and Gieryna has been involved in five of them.
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Next week: Tony Fucking Romo and The Hulkamaniacs lock horns -- which team will improve to 4-0? Taste The Happy and Madd Skillz get a good look at their previous rosters when the two teams face off and Gieryna looks for his first win against a tough foe. Which Bear is Best and Slick square off in what could determine who gets the first overall choice in the 2008 draft.