Week 4 Preview

Week four has some interesting matchups. Two of the three 3-0 teams go at it while the two highest-scoring teams in VUFSA history will square off, as well. The two worst smack-talk users in the league will battle for dominance. Champ and Viano will try to right their seasons, while Slick and JR play in a matchup that no one really cares about.

GAME OF THE WEEK
The Hulkamaniacs (3-0) at Tony Fucking Romo (3-0)

This is a big matchup early in the year. I'm not sure how Drew was predicted to finish, but I wasn't picked to finish high at all. And now we're both 3-0, but, just like Highlander, the greatest tv show ever, taught us, "There can be only one." Excluding Stem. Huge mismatch at the quarterback spot here, with Jesus's love-child going up against middle-aged JR. St. Louis has been bad, so Romo will score 40, while San Francisco's defense is alright, and Matt Hasselbeck is bald. Randy Moss looks like the most dominant receiver in the league and goes up against an awful Cincinnati defense. I would be surprised if he scored in single digits. Joey Galloway is mercurial and Mike Furrey has disappeared after last season, but will take over for Marques Colston since the Saints suck and also don't play. While Drew doesn't have Moss, his receivers, as a whole, are better. Laveranues Coles, Plaxico Burress, and Braylon Edwards are all touchdown threats. All three have had multiple touchdowns games early in the season and Edwards and Burress, I know, scored last week, too. Both teams feature some patchwork running back groups this week. Romo has Reggie Bush on a bye week and Deuce McAllister just shit the bed after a big trade. Laurence Maroney is an every week start for Romo, but Leon Washington is just getting the start because of the bye. Hopefully, Thomas Jones will break his clavicle. Chester Taylor is supposed to play this week, but he hasn't played since early in week one and then people noticed that Adrian Peterson had a much larger penis. Taylor has been confined to the bench ever since. Tony Hunt and Reuben Droughns might get looks as we get close to Sunday. Maurice Jones-Drew is too busy dicking his own ass to play football this year, so Drew is hoping that he'll get his fill during the bye week. Meanwhile, the running back corps is headlined by 2007 #1 pick Marshawn Lynch and big waiver wire acquisition Brian Leonard. Drew is really hoping that Leonard can do something that Steven Jackson could not: not suck. DeAngelo Williams has had potential for two years now, but apparently no actual talent. Antonio Gates had a down day last week because he only had 11 catches and 100+ yards, but no touchdowns. DeShaun Foster had a big day last week, but is going against a tough Tampa Bay defense, and Wes Welker could steal touchdowns from Randy Moss. I really wanted to make a racist joke here about a white guy stealing from a black one, but I really didn't think of one that I feel comfortable posting on the internet.

Prediction:
While I think I have the potential to win, depending on what Leon Washington and Chester Taylor do, there are more constants on Drew's roster and mine just has the chance to do well. I'm going with Drew. Fuck you, asshole.


ON DECK
Taste the Happy (0-3) at Madd Skillz (1-2)

These two teams will probably combine for 350 points and a whole lot of bitching. Ed will think his team sucks and everyone hates him, while he will actually beat Eli about 198-197.5 and Eli will then go to a hooker on the street, inquire about her "ass buffet," pay her 50 cents, lick her asshole, and die soon after from a myriad of diseases. I'm betting all of this actually happens. In the real matchup, Jon Kitna, unlike last week, will outperform Donovan McNabb. McNabb got lucky because all of the Lions had been drugged, since there is no other excuse for their performance. Plus, the Bears defense is injury-ridden, so Kitna will throw for 500 yards and five touchdowns. Rex Grossman will throw his back out will bending over for some dude. The top two receivers for both teams are dominant, with Steve Smith and Chad Johnson holding a slim lead over Torry Holt and T.J. Houshmanzadeh only because Bulger broke his neck trying to suck his own d, or something like that. Ronald Curry and James Jones are a crapshoot. Steven Jackson and Ronnie Brown went to Ed last week, while The Gun got Larry and Rudi Johnson. Jackson and Rudi are both hurt though. While Brown is still fat, I guess he is good now that I traded him. LaDanian Tomlinson and LJ go head to head this week, and Tomlinson should outperform his counterpart, who is a huge Ki-Jana Carter/Curtis Enis fan. Travis Henry and Kenny Watson should be better than average. I wish Ed was starting LenDale White with Brown and Ron Dayne, because that would be the fattest starting running back trio of all-time. Fuck tight ends. Donte' Stallworth hasn't done anything this year, and if he doesn't do anything against Cincinnati, you have to consider dropping him. Julius Jones got his ass concussed, and then the Gun wouldn't trade him to me, so he'll probably hit double digits. Fuck you, Gun. I thought we were trading partners.

Prediction:
I think Ed falls to 1-3, believe it or not. The Kitna advantage, plus Henry and Watson will push him over the top, and in the end, it may be Ed asking hookers how much for the ass buffet.


THE 3 SPOT
What's New Pussycat? (1-2) at Thom is a Man-Whore (3-0)

Did you know that there are no 2-1 teams in the league? That's pretty strange. I would imagine that their should be some teams in the league with that record. But, no. Someone will definitely have two wins after this week. Maybe. I don't want to look it up. Anyway, neither one of these guys can effectively use the smack talk application, and it has hurt their careers. The smack talk application was invented for dirty language, wang jokes and talking about sleeping with your opponent's wife/mother/etc. Anyway, Tom Brady is going to dominate the shit out of Carson Palmer, both in the football and looks department. If I was gay, I would be all over Brady. And every one of you knows that, deep down, you feel the same way. And it's not even the looks things, it's just that I feel so safe in his arms. What? Larry Fitzgerald continues to struggle, Chris Chambers is still in Miami and Calvin "Megatron" Johnson has a bruised ass from falling after making a sweet catch last week. Donald Driver is sweet in the open field, Reggie Brown is not, and Shaun McDonald is excelling in the Lions' four receiver sets. Baron is currently starting Ahman Green, despite the fact that he might not play. Brian Westbrook had a great day against the Lions' defense, but might not play this week, either. Thomas Jones looks healthy against a shitty Buffalo team. Baron's running backs look alright, but could fall apart quickly. Shaun Alexander is not glamorous at all, now that I think about it. LaMont Jordan has been outperforming all expectations this year, and should continue against Miami. Adrian Peterson may have to split carries with Chester Taylor, but either way, it's against a tough Green Bay defense. Fuck tight ends. Jerricho Cotchery is better than Nate Burleson.

Prediction:
Tom Brady and the healthy running backs will carry the day, but the smack talk after the game will be something like, "I respect your effort, and wish you all the best in your future endeavors. I love you." And the other one will be like, "I appreciate your honesty, and return the wishes in kind. Regards, boners."


BATTING CLEANUP
ChamPeons (1-2) at Who Wants to Sex Mbaye? (1-2)

While I'm a big fan of cheering for hurricanes, it didn't work for Viano, and I won, bitches. On the other hand, I'm also a big fan of white receivers. I've made sure that everyone knows how I feel about this situation. Fuck Kevin Curtis, though. I wanted the Lions to be 3-0. Anyway, Peyton Manning is always good, but he's playing against one of the best pass defenses in Denver. I never know what's going on with Chad Pennington. While Curtis had a big day against the Lions, I don't think we'll see a repeat performance. But Roy Williams and Terrell Owens are two of the top five receivers in the league. Plus, Romo, and to a lesser extent, Kitna, are dominant. Frank Gore and Joseph Addai are both good running backs, but FUCKING Samkon Gado. He had his time to shine last season when he was on my team. Not any more, though. Viano's running backs are better from top to bottom, especially figuring that the Bears will try to run Benson a lot to keep the ball out of Griese's/The Sex Cannon's hands. Fuck tight ends. Jerious Norerection.... you know what, I was going to say that he should break out this week, but I'm pretty sure that I've said that in every preview ever, so I'm not going to say it this week. Instead, I'm going to say that the Kyle Boller to Derrick Mason connection is going to be dominant.

Prediction:
Viano in a close one. Champ, did you get that email I sent you with my address? I hope you did, because I forgot to send it for a long time. Also, how's life in Indiana? And Viano, how's the married life? I saw your boy Neal Clark in the Red Wings preseason game.

THE FIVE HOLE
Slick (1-2) at Which Bear is Best (1-2)

Not a pretty matchup. Especially if Slick continues to start Chris Cooley during his bye week. I don't understand how Slick has been scoring so many points lately. He reminds me of me at the end of last season: scoring a whole lot of points but not getting the wins to show for it. Meanwhile, I think JR might want to think about rebuilding. And if you do, JR, I'll make you a good offer for Edgerrin james. What do you think? Marc Bulger has two broken ribs, so Cutler might be a better pick in this one. If Lee Evans was alive, I'd have to take JR's receivers... but I wil anyway, since Slick is starting fucking Amani Toomer. Hasn't he been around for 25 years or so? As strange as this is, Slick has the edge at running back, despite not having EDGE. HEYO!!! This flex matchup blows. I'm tired.

Prediction:
SLICK.

This is sub-par, and I may need a bye week to replenish my wang joke stock.