Week 3 Previews

First off, I'm writing this at work, so I'm not sure if I should use a lot of words such as cock and/or balls. But I feel that's a risk I have to take. Also, for whatever reason, I don't seem to be able to use bold and italics and stuff like that, so this week's preview will be less stylish. The ranking system for this week's matchup will be my five favorite CURRENT hockey players.

(1) VINCENT LECAVALIER
Champeons (0-2) at Taste the Happy (0-2)

This is the most interesting matchup of the week. Did anyone see these two teams starting off at 0-2? I didn't. And there's a good chance that whoever loses this matchup is going to have an incredibly hard time making the playoffs. If The Gun loses this game, I will bet $20 that he will kill himself by repeatedly headbutting the sidewalk or possibly eating an entire bathtub full of beans. Either way, that's a manly way to go. Eli's starting five new players this week in a desperate attempt to stave off an 0-3 start. Vince Young, who's been solid but not great this season, is always a threat to put up big points because of his running ability. He was never going to get to play on my team, though, because Tony Romo is just too fucking dominant. It's also interesting because Young goes against Drew Brees (who is showing everyone why San Diego let him go) on Monday night. So, this matchup could go right down to the wire. My guess is that Derrick Mason is not going to score any points for Champ. But that's okay because Terrell Owens and Roy Williams will outscore Torry Holt and T.J. Houshmanzadeh. Eli's recievers had a great week last week, but they can't do it two weeks in a row. All of the sudden, Eli's running backs look pretty dominant, on paper. Travis Henry is doing what every running back in Denver does, and now he's got two of Ed's Johnsons. Frank Gore and Joseph Addai are just as good for Champ, but Warrick Dunn hasn't been good, and I'm just going to keep repeating that Jerious Norpenis is going to get the ball at some point, if only for the fact that I can use his name to make wang jokes. Kellen Winslow has been good this year, while Tony Gonzalez is old, I think, and his quarterback is Damon Huard. Are you serious with this flex matchup? Bobby Engram against Antwaan Randel El? Fuck you guys.

Prediction:
The Gun's new running back corps will lead him to victory, with help from Young and Winslow, who should outperform their counterparts.


(2) HENRIK ZETTERBERG
Thom is a Man-Whore (2-0) at Which Bear is Best (1-1)

Stem. Fucking Andrew Stem. He's 2-0. And if he wasn't, I'd be in first place. Speaking of me, I was looking at bye weeks and I got really lucky. I plan Baron when Palmer and Westbrook are off, Ed when Tomlinson and Smith are off, and Champ when Addai and Gore are off. Back to Stem, every question mark and risk he took seems to be paying off. Calvin Johnson is showing why the Lions drafted him, despite being a WR, by scoring touchdowns in his first two games. LaMont Jordan is showing that he does not, in fact, suck donkey balls. Which is good for Stem. Shaun Alexander has responded from an injury this season and Adrian Peterson has benefitted from an injury to Chester Taylor. Which Bear is Best is in for another bad luck quarterback performance, since Tom Brady has been dominant and is playing against a bad Buffalo team. Hopefully Brady keeps throwing to Randy Moss. I would appreciate that. On paper, J.R.'s receivers look better in this matchup, but I'm not so sure. The Colts go against Houston, who look better than they ever have before. Plus, can both of them have good days at the same time? Is Lee Evans even alive? Maybe not. Stem's receivers are confusing as well. Johnson has been solid, but Fitzgerald hasn't produced and Chris Chambers is in Miami. There are some big name running backs going in this matchup, with Edgerrin James and Clinton Portis going against Alexander, Jordan and Peterson. Fuck Derrick Ward. Stem has a huge advantage though, since his running backs are running against Cincinnati, Cleveland and Kansas City. It's pretty much a push at tight end, which every matchup is every week unless it involves Antonio Gates. Brandon Marshall and Jerricho Cotchery are both good, I guess, but neither one gives a huge advantage to his team.

Prediction:
I'm going with Stem to advance to (3-0). I think the matchups his running backs have give him the edge, plus Brady against Buffalo. Fuck Lee Evans.


(3) ILYA KOVALCHUK
What's New Pussycat? (1-1) at The Hulkamaniacs (2-0)

The second undefeated team is in danger of losing its virgin record and then having to get surgery afterwards to stop the anal bleeding. Carson Palmer basically forced himself on the Cleveland defense last week, and yet he's the one that ended up knocked up and without child support at the end of the day. Palmer goes against Matt Hasselbeck, who is still balding, and I still don't think he's that good. Drew's only advantage in this matchup comes in the wide receiver department. Plaxico Burress, Laveranues Coles and Braylon Edwards have all had multi-touchdown games in the first two games of the year. Donald Driver, Santana Moss and Reggie Brown have all had multi-boyfriend games. I'm not really sure what that means. Whatever it means, Drew has a huge advantage here. Out of Drew's three running backs, two apparently suck and are also splitting carries. Jones-Drew is the victim of preseason hype while DeAngelo Williams has never done anything, as far as I know. Marshawn Lynch has lived up to expectations so far, but hasn't been great. Meanwhile, baron has Thomas Jones, who is supposed to finally be healthy, Brian Westbrook who is dominant in a PPR league, and Ahman Green, who is a good third back. Gates isn't in this matchup either. Baron starts new Pussycat LenDale White against Wes Welker in the flex spot, and White has seemingly taken over goalline duties for the Titans, which ups his value. I traded away three Titans this week and two of them went to Baron.

Prediction:
Drew will be the first of the undefeated teams to fall. Baron's advantages at QB and RB will be too much to overcome with receivers.


(4) PAVEL DATSYUK
Slick (1-1) at Madd Skillz (0-2)

Everyone just needs to take a second to appreciate the fact that Slick has one more win than Ed through two games. There is no way that this should continue past week three. If I had to pick one of the winless teams to advance to the playoffs, it'd be Ed. But his team has taken on a different look this week. McNabb will score -3 points against the best team in the NFL, which will hurt Ed, but Slick is starting Jay Cutler, so really, it won't matter. Steve Smith and Chad Johnson both had huge weeks last week and could probably outperform all three of Slick's receivers (Anquan Boldin, Deion Branch and Amani Toomer) by themselves. Ronald Curry goes against Cleveland, who doesn't actually start a defensive unit. Ed traded away Johnson and Johnson (Larry/Rudi) for the number two back, preseason, Steven Jackson, and now controls the top two backs in Jackson and Tomlinson. They will each score at least 15 points this week. Ronnie Brown is still fat and I'm glad I traded him. He got dealt twice this week, which doesn't happen that often, as far as I know. Marion Barber III is the best back in Slick's barn, and should get more carries since he's better than Julius Jones. Jamal Lewis had one of the best weeks of his life last week, and Carnell Williams got into the endzone twice despite not doing anything else. Williams and Lewis won't be able to repeat their performances, and Tomlinson and Jackson have to get going sometime soon. Still no Antonio Gates. Ron Dayne against Bernard Berrian is negligible, but probably wouldn't be if the Bears had anyone other than the Sex Cannon under center.

Prediction:
Edwin. He has too much talent to go to 0-3 and Slick's team used all it's luck last week.


(5) PETER ING (He's not current, but look him up)
Who Wants to Sex Mbaye? (1-1) at Tony Fucking Romo (2-0)

I'm undefeated, bitches. But I'm worried this week because Tony Romo isn't starting. How will my team perform without it's emotional and point-scoring leader? I'm not sure. With Romo out, the best quarterback in the matchup is Peyton Manning, who goes against Jeff Garcia (spot start against St. Louis). Obviously, Manning is a better choice in this situation. Romo's receivers, who were a question mark coming into the season, have become a strong spot in the last two weeks. Bullshit cheater caught a late game touchdown and is the only receiver that's any good in New Orleans. Randy Moss and Joey Galloway each had 100+ yards and two touches last week to equal The Gun's receivers. Meanwhile, Javon Walker is okay, but Darrell and Vincent Jackson are too busy handing out rimjobs to catch any passes. Romo upgraded at running back this week, but the advantage still goes to Viano in this matchup. Willie Parker, Willis McGahee and Cedric Benson all go against shitty teams and had good games last week. Parker will do well every week, but McGahee and Benson are hit and miss. Laurence Maroney was acquired for a lot of talent (although backup talent), and will be expected to produce like a one or two back. To do that, Sammy Morris may need to be hit by a bus. Fat LenDale White and his cohort Chris Brown were dealt for Anus McAllister, giving Romo the entire Saints backfield, which definitely has more potential than the Titans backfield. Bush and McAllister need to get going, and soon, though. Because they haven't done anything yet this season. Dallas Clark is a good target for Mbaye, but Antonio Gates is the sweetest tight end in the nation. DeShaun Foster is solid, but Jerious Norschlong has the potential to bust a big run at any time.

Prediction:
I'm going back and forth on this one, so I'm going to pick myself, just because I can.