Week One Matchups

Alright everyone, bear with me because I am no Eli/Ed/J.R. Also, I really don't know which matchup to rank first and second and so on, so I'm just going to go ahead and label them in the order that the Detroit Tigers bat.

Curtis Granderson:
The Hulkamaniacs at Taste the Happy (-13)

The Hulkamaniacs
Well brother, you need to update your damn shit talk at the top of your list, first of all. Because, god dammit, I paid my dues LAST WEEK. What the hell is that, Drew? Anyway, Drew is at a disadvantage to start with because I'm not sure that anyone in this league has ever won while starting a receiver in the flex spot. To me, Drew's entire team is a question mark that could be great, but could be not so great. Brandon Jacobs and Marshawn Lynch have never been feature backs and it'll be tough for Maurice Jones-Drew to live up to the hype that's been built this season. They all have tough matchups, too, except Jones-Drew. Dallas, New England, Pittsburgh, and Denver. Drew's receivers are big and athletic (at least Braylon and Plax are, I really have no idea about the other two), so they're good targets in the endzone. But Braylon and Plax both went to Michigan schools, which are notoriously bad at football. Stem will attest to that. Todd Heap is white, and I'm a big fan of white football players and Asian baseball players. I once tried to make an all-white team on Madden, but I couldn't because there were no white CBs in the entire league. What the fuck? Why don't white kids ever want to play corner back growing up? Matt Hasselbeck looks like a skinny J.R., and I suggest a trade should occur to unite the two. Shawne Merriman loves drugs and I thought Charles Woodson was dead.

Taste the Happy
Eli has the advantage at every position except kicker, and we all know that doesn't f-ing matter. Alge Crumpler will probably score 20+ points because Joey Ballgame could be the greatest quarterback in the league. Steven Jackson is money in the bank and Laurence Maroney looks kind of like him. Physically, not his style of play. Travis Henry plays in Denver, which is good because they run really well, but sucks because the first-stringer never lasts all season. Andre Johnson led the league in receptions last season and Housh is better than people think, even though I traded him. I just love trading. Julius Jones should hurry up and challenge Marion Barber III to a knife-fight for dominance in the Dallas backfield, although I think Barber would win because he has Roman numerals in his name. But Dallas running backs will not do anything this season, since Tony Fucking Romo will score every touchdown in the Big D. Lance Briggs could very well be retarded, and should be replaced with Brian Urlacher, who has been recorded as calling his son a "pussy." Hilarious.

Prediction
Eli in a landslide, unless Jacobs and Lynch perform to the highest of their potential, which I really don't know. But seriously, Eli will probably lose anyway, because it's Fantasy Football, baby! WHOO!


Placido Polanco:
What's New Pussycat (-8) at WhoWantstoSexMbaye?

What's New Pussycat?
First off, this is the stupidest, most ridiculous name for a team ever. What the fuck. Seriously, Baron. Has anyone in this league ever used the word "pussycat" EVER in real life? Because if I did, I would probably kill myself in some brutal way involving a circular saw and testicle removal. On to the actual team, Baron is good on paper, but let's look a little deeper. Carson Palmer once lost his knee after a play was already over. Donald Driver and Thomas Jones may be hurt as we speak. Deuce's name is another word for anus. Brian Westbrook and Ahman Green both love vaginas, in the sense that they are both vaginas. It really looks to me like everyone on this team is a threat to be on the IR. Donovan McNabb has to throw to someone, so I guess Reggie Brown and L.J. Smith might be targets. I don't know, looking at the numbers, I think this team might be slightly overrated.

WhoWantsToSexMbaye?
Viano, as always, comes through in the clutch in the name department. This is really a lop-sided matchup when it comes to names. Baron's is awful, Viano's is hilarious. You should be ashamed, Baron. Everyone had a raging boner for Jerious Norwood, which, I guess, is only right considering his last name has wood in it, which is another word for boner. But now he lost the starting job to Warrick Dunn who had a broken neck or something in the offseason. Willie Parker is sweet and I think Willis McGahee will do well in Buffalo. Everytime I see that Miami game on tv, I watch it just to see McGahee's knee get destroyed. You can't tell me that you don't do the same thing. Bold prediction of the year: Garrett Wolfe will dominate bitches in Chicago. Cedric Benson is a pussy and Adrian Peterson isn't sweet. Although he did win the Walter Payton award, and I'm pretty sure Tony Romo, the sweetest player in the fucking nation, won that, too. Darrell and Vincent Jackson are mediocre and Javon Walker is good, but Peyton Manning is good at throwing footballs to other men. My prediction: Viano loses unless he picks up a third defender. And I would cry, because I have a deep-seeded need to finish ahead of Baron and I'm not sure I will this year.

Prediction:
Viano will win if he can get any production from the Jacksons and starts three defenders.


Gary Sheffield When He's Not Hurt
Slick at Binge-Eating RBs (-11)

Slick
First off, I put this game third because it's two teams closer to the bottom, while the last two games have two top teams versus two bottom teams. Slick, you and Baron should go drink some Zimas together or something. Man up and think of some good names, you jerks. Have some pride in life. The one thing I'm worried about against Slick is that he has a shit-ton of Monday Night Thunder, which I always love to have. Matt Leinart, Anquan (what the fuck kind of name is that) Bolding, Matt Stove and Ray Lewis are all going for Slick on Monday, so I'll need about a 50-60 point lead to feel safe at all. The Cardinals suck, so they'll probably throw the ball a lot, which will benefit Slick. Also, I'm not going to lie, I did a lot of prep for the draft this year, and I somehow had no idea that Jamal Lewis played for the Browns. When did that happen? I like Chris Cooley because he used to have dual-eligibility. I looked it up this year, and only three guys have dual-eligibility. None of them are any good or will ever play, probably. I was hoping that Seneca Wallace might have QB/WR and that Michael Robinson would have RB/WR, but none of that is true, and I cried a little bit in my heart. Devery Henderson could steal points from Marques Colston, which could end up being big.

Binge-Eating RBs
I feel bad changing my name from the classic Who is Ron Mexico, but Ronnie Brown and LenDale White are both fat and I hate them for it. Somehow they both have starting jobs but are losing them to Jesse Chatman and Chris Brown. What the fuck. That's like me losing anything in life to Tom Ritter. You know that's not supposed to happen. I'm not sure I would have traded Housh if the fourth-rounder wasn't involved, but I'm pretty sure that I only have an outside shot at the playoffs this year, so I took it. Hines Ward isn't that much worse than Housh (since Ben "I'm retarded and hate living and being rich and having sex with hot ladies" Roethlisberger can't be as bad as he was last year) and Leon Washington will be a feature back if Thomas Jones is stricken with the Hunta Virus sometime during the season. Tony Romo, as I've already covered, is god's gift to football, and will probably break all kinds of records this year. Moss used to be good, and I'm sure hoping he remembers that that was better than sucking dick in an Applebee's bathroom for twenty bucks a pop this season. Reggie Bush is great in this league because of the PPR, but really, my team rests on Ronnie Brown, LenDale White and DeShaun Foster who are all in shaky situations to start the season.

Prediction:
Tony Romo will score 67 points and have sex with three cheerleaders while Bernard Berrian will have negative points after fumbling or something. Oh, and I'll win because I'm awesome.


Magglio Ordonez
Which Bear is Best at Madd Skillz (-37)

Which Bear is Best
I'm upset that I don't get this Office reference, but I'm sure that J.R. thinks he's better than me because of it. But he's wrong. Start some defenders, you son of a bitch. Fred Taylor will hit the IR with a bad case of genital warts and Clinton Portis's placitis will act up and a yeast infection will put him on the sidelines. Because they're both injury prone. Harrison and Wayne will do their typical stuff, but it won't be enough to keep J.R. in contention. Bulger won't throw the ball all that much because the Panthers suck a whole lot of cock. Dunn won't run because the Falcons want the ball in Joey Ballgame's masterful pianist's hands. Edgerrin James is too busy trying to invent a time machine so that he can go back to Indianapolis. Fuck Mark Clayton.

Madd Skillz
Hasn't everything that needs to be said already been said about Ed's team. Everyone hates him for it, but I respect the SHIT out of him for it. Plus, I'm just a big fan of Ed. Which is why I'm really struggling with the fact that it's looking like I can't go to his wedding because of work. Fucking #2 Grand Valley State University women's soccer. DAMN YOU, DEFENDING DIVISION II PLAYER OF THE YEAR KATY TAFLER!

Prediction:
Ed by a million. Unless... I really can't think of one thing that would prevent him from winning. Sorry, J.R.


'Los Guillen (All he does is get big hits at big times)
ChamPeons (-17) at Briggs' Car Thief

ChamPeons
Champ's recievers are dominant, and I would be willing to bet you that Roy Williams is one of the top receivers in the league this year. Gore and Brandon Jackson are both hurt right now (although neither is very serious) and how they recover means a whole lot to how Champ's season will go. Joseph Addai is glad that Edgerrin James went to the U and has no idea how to invent a time machine, because now he's going to score a whole lot of points. I didn't even know that Kevin Curtis was in Philly, but he's a white receiver, and that's rare, but beautiful. Like a ruby or something. I've already gone over the fact that Brian Urlacher called his son a pussy, and that's awesome. I'm pretty sure that Lee Evans can only catch a pass if it's 30 yards or longer.

Briggs' Car Thief
I like Stem's new name better than his old one, but come on, his old one wasn't that great. Stem will probably not get what he's hoping for from Calvin Johnson this season, and Adrian Peterson is splitting time with a dude that had about 400 carries last season. Both of these teams are starting four WRs, which never bodes well in life. What happened to Shaun Alexander. Maybe he'll be good again? Sometimes I wish that I was Tom Brady, because that would be AWESOME.

Prediction:
Champ, but in uninspiring fashion.


That's a whole lot of work, and I ended up doing more team previews than matchups, but deal with it. Fuckers.