VUFSA: Week Five

Hey gang!

It appears that Eli has drowned in a sea of Elkhartedness and may not be coming out of it anytime soon. He managed to contact me briefly via cell phone, saying only something about his dog, some skirt at the tennis club and his fantasy football recap.

And being the good pal that I am, I’m going to take care of all three of them.

On to your week five matchups:

===========

Sex Panther: 153.50 points
The Octagon: 92.75 points

Game summary: Sex Panther burst out to a quick lead in this one, seeking some measure of revenge for last year’s Week 14 collapse over his jovial rival JR Radcliffe. In the battle of Anchorman-related names, Sex Panther was clearly superior for this week, especially with The Octagon having a few key players on bye week. The two teams now stand with identical 2-3 records despite SP having 123 more points on the year.

Sex Panther (2-3): All but two position players hit double digits, as did one defensive player (Robert Mathis, 12.50 points). Got a big half from Najeh Davenport (17.50 points) and another dynamic game from VUFSA Blog-derided Steven Jackson (19 points). Let me tell you, no player in the NFL has a better hip wiggle than Steven Jackson. There’s a rear camera shot of him bursting through the Seahawks line and shimmying his way up the middle as those freaky dreads bounce beneath his helmet. It’s looped on my computer right now …. and I am in heaven. But anyway, Sex Panther now readies itself for a Week 6 showdown with another 2-3 team in ChamPeons.

The Octagon (2-3): It’s always a bad sign when your second leading scorer is a defensive player, even if it is Jason Taylor and his 12 points. Outside of Brett Favre going nuts against the Saints, there were good number of just mediocre efforts. Andre Johnson continues to be a scoreless bust, and Marvin Harrison was only thrown to three times on Sunday. Despite all of this, 92.75 points isn’t awful, and we even had a Kevan Barlow sighting as the running back busted out (for him) with 11.50 points. At 2-3, The Octagon still shapes up to be in the playoff hunt for most of the year.

===========

Blaine Browns: 102 points
Big Fat Guys: 97.50 points

Game summary: Well, that was kinda fun. The only remotely interesting matchup of Week 5 actually came down to the final quarter of Monday Night Football. With stuuuudly linebacker Donnie Edwards racking up tackles and BB’s Keenan McCardell just wandering aimlessly on the field, things stayed closer much longer than expected. But in the end, BB ended up nabbing his second win of the season to join the 2-3 fray. BFG put up another good showing, despite what appears to be a thin roster. But as that one Portugese “woman” taught me, looks can be awfully deceiving.

Blaine Browns (2-3): Another very solid week from patient Drew, who has seen his team climb right back into the thick of the playoff race after a miserable start to the season. Got nice performances from most players, led by 17 points apiece from Edgerrin James and Curtis Martin. With Martin finally starting to find the end zone, the team could be poised to go on a tear. Things are looking up for BB.

Big Fat Guys (1-4): Carson Palmer continued to put up nice numbers, though his loudmouth target Chad Johnson was busted up a handful of hilarious times by the Jags’ defense. Terry Glenn is funny-looking, but he sure can run. The QB and WR positions are locked down for this franchise at the moment, but the owner’s thin running back core took a blow when Thomas Jones injured his knee and will likely miss Week 6. However, BFG has blown open the race for superiority among expansion teams, having score 100 points more than Who is Ron Mexico?

===========

Madd Skillz: 150.25 points
ChamPeons: 62.25 points

Game summary: Yet another game that wasn’t close, as Madd Skillz moves to 5-0 with another pummeling of an opponent. ChamPeons never got going in this one, finishing with a brutal 62.25 points on the day, not nearly enough to challenged Skillz. In fact, this matchup sucked so bad, I’m not talking about it anymore.

Madd Skillz (5-0): Okay, maybe just a bit more. Skillz, who somehow still worries about his team that averages over 126 points a week, racks up another sadistic performance. Next time you feel like doing that, make sure I’m on the receiving end, OK? I love that stuff. Anyway, his lowest point output from a position player was Rudi Johnson’s 8.00 points and six other players were in double figures. This is without question the best and deepest team in the league right now, as every starter is a threat to bust off 20 points on any given week, and some of them are a threat for 40 points. Scary.

ChamPeons (2-3): Champ was a victim of a bit of overthinking this week, picking up Aaron Brooks for a matchup against the Packers. While the red-hot Drew Bledsoe sat on the bench and scored 30 points, Aaron Brooks was … well, he was Aaron Brooks while scoring 1.25 points. It wouldn’t have made a difference in this week’s matchup though.

===========

Cellar Dwellers: 114.50
Father Abraham: 75.25

Game summary: Those Arizona receivers are something else. The duo squared off in this one, with CD’s Larry Fitzgerald scoring 16.50 points and FA’s Anquan Boldin dropping 15 points. However, among the teams, Cellar Dwellers (oh, the irony) remains undefeated with a big win over up-and-down Father Abraham. Cellar Dwellers is headed for a big-time showdown in Week 8 with Madd Skillz, and FA is still just one of three teams with a winning record.

Cellar Dwellers (5-0): Shaun Alexander (24.50 points) just keeps putting up big numbers for this franchise, as does Fitzgerald . Stem has to be pleased that Kevin Jones finally broke out, much less against the Baltimore defense. This team is very talented, but also very thin – Marshall Faulk is CD’s only running back insurance, and he didn’t touch the football on Sunday. It’s a fine line to be walking, but with good health, CD is a lock to grab the owner his first playoff spot in four tries.

Father Abraham (3-2): The Smack Talk says it all, with this bunch living and dying by Donovan McNabb. I’m not sure what happened Sunday against Julius Jones and his silver-trousered Cowboys, but the Eagles looked abysmal. Missing Priest Holmes this week hurt, but the early bye week may help him to get over some nagging injuries. And with Jamal Lewis (18 points) apparently recovered from prison (they don’t feed you well there; Deidre has lost 47 pounds), the running back group is very, very good. Despite the loss, Father Abraham is still in very good shape.

===========

Fred Lane’s Wife: 69.25 points
Who is Ron Mexico: 42 points

Game summary: This matchup has set fantasy football, and society, back 15 years. Oh my God.

Fred Lane’s Wife (2-3): Since I have nothing to say about either of these teams, I just figured you all would want to actually see the namesake of this franchise, and the woman that take a few lumps of Clay every third Saturday of the month:



Mmhmm.

Who is Ron Mexico? (1-4): I don’t know, who the fuck IS Ron Mexico? Can he score more than 42 points? Jesus H. Christ. There have been two players this year who individually surpassed WIRM’s output in just one week, and if you combine the Dave/Champ/Kenny household scoring totals for Week 5, they would still finish behind three teams, and barely ahead of a fourth.