Top Ten Ouch Factors

Injuries have glued themselves to specific owners this year, hounding Father Abraham and Fred Lane's Wife more than other teams with devastating results. With Donovan McNabb's injury in the lategoing against Dallas on Monday, The Father will again be without a major component in Week 11, further complicating an already injury-riddled year that includes the likes of Joe Horn, Anquan Boldin, Tony Fisher, Ronald Curry and a more prominent name listed below. Each of FLW's injuries, meanwhile, have seemed to be incredibly significant. The Top Ten Injury/Suspension For Talking Too Much Ouches in the football season thus far:

10. Marc Bulger (Sex Panther): In a typical twist of fate for the franchise with the worst luck in North America and also the West Indies, Bulger was a predictable fantasy stud, got traded to Eli Gieryna's team, and then missed two weeks with injury, the second of which was a crucial loss to Fred Lane's Wife. After a bye, he finally bounced back last week.

9. Darrell Jackson (Fred Lane's Wife): Surgery on a torn meniscus put Jackson on the shelf after four weeks of solid double-digit efforts on Viano's crew, and now he rots on Viano's bench until a return can be pieced together in the coming episodes. He also probably does drugs. While that's irresponsible and unsubstantiated, I am just going by precedent among Seattle receivers.

8. Cadillac Williams (Sex Panther): Three games, 434 yards for the rookie sensation, and Eli Gieryna was singing arias thanks to his first overall choice in the pre-season draft. But the Cadillac got a flat tire and wound up stuck in the garage in neutral with a bad transmission and needing some gas whle overheating and getting set on fire in a Paris suburb. He rushed for 13 yards in his next game, went down for two weeks and simply hasn't been the same, amassing a grand total of 69 yards since his return from injury in three games. He has since been traded to a sucker.

7. Willie Parker (Fred Lane's Wife): The early favorite for waiver wire pickup of the year has technically only missed one week for the Pittsburgh Steelers and Andy Viano, but he has missed his fair share of snaps, thanks to a slew of other options in the Steel City and his bad ankle. After two stupendous first weeks, he's only seen 20 carries in a game one time. No more performance from Viano's Fast Willie.

6. Ahman Green (Who Is Ron Mexico?): Not that Green was having a good year by any stretch of the imagination anyway, but his timing couldn't have been worse for Dave Tomke's Pigskin Brothel. His departure early due to injury in Week 5 allowed Big Fat Guys to register a 82.25-73.50 win, which allowed everyone to laugh at him heartily. And Green's departure for good two weeks later left Tomke shorthanded on a team with very little star power as it was.

5. Javon Walker (Fred Lane's Wife): This year's Steve Smith, Walker went down in the very first week of the season and drew first blood for a team that saw its share of major setbacks on the injury front. Trades have been key to patching up Andy Viano's receiving corps, with the likes of Joey Galloway, Hines Ward and Kevin Curtis coming in midseason.

4. Deuce McAllister (Fred Lane's Wife): It wasn't New Orleans' year by any stretch of the imagination, but when their best player goes down, you can't really hope for the best. The Deuce only played in four games, clearing 100 yards just once, and then went down for the season, eventually finding his way on Big Fat Guys' roster for keeper consideration.

3. Daunte Culpepper (ChamPeons): The year simply could not have been any worse for Culpepper, though the much-maligned (and by "much-maligned" I mean "sex-and-turnover-seeking") quarterback had a stellar 26.75 points in week 7, the week ChamPeons had traded for the Penis-Head Man. In Week 8, his leg exploded in three places, making the trade which involved the loss of Clinton Portis a waste.

2. Terrell Owens (Blaine Browns): Terrell is very sorry for what he's done to Drew's team. But he's still going to occupy Drew's parking space.

1. Priest Holmes (Father Abraham): The "out-of-contention" pickup of 2004 that appeared to give Lincoln Souzek a stellar keeper lineup never quite lived up to the explosive numbers of years past and promptly exploded into a thousand pieces as part of an annual rite. Ken Griffey Jr. called to thank Priest, since Griffey had Week 9 in the "When Will Holmes Go Down For The Year" pool. Lincoln was left scrambling to find suitable running backs, and dealing with the possibility that Holmes might retire after this season.

I might retire from Top Ten lists after this week. It's hard. Dammit. Praise me.