Top Ten Pine Pitfalls

I figure I owe you saucy sluts a Top Ten from last week, when you didn't turn in the basketball preview poll on time and thus ruined my plans. So why not a little mid-week loving? I was inspired by Lincoln Souzek this week, who definitely stuck with Donny McNabb instead of Jake Plummer (a call most people probably would have made) and lost as a result.

Too damn often we put players on the bench and end up getting burned for it when they do well and their counterparts suck hard and determined-ly. As it turns out, this past week had some of the most glaring examples...with one even better than the aforementioned QB folly. The Top Ten Pine Pitfalls of the 2005 football season.

10. Picked up just before the start of games in Week 1, Big Fat Guys elected to keep Alex Smith on the pine, and he went on to notch 15.00 points for Baron Brendel's team. Too bad starting tight end Doug Jolley scored a mere ZERO, and what ultimately could have been a trend-setting victory over Cellar Dwellars turned into a 5.25-point loss.

9. Week 6 in general for Fred Lane’s Wife was a benching bummer. Tatum Bell (19.50) instead of an injured Corey Dillon (0.00) or Antowain Smith (17.00) for a useless Jerome Bettis (0.00) or Greg Jones (13.50) for Willie Parker (5.00) softens the blow, but Andy Viano loses anyway to Cellar Dwellars, though it's not a 118.75-67.50 blowout.

8. Another case of a team that would have lost anyway, but it would have been a whole lot smarter for ChamPeons to get Drew Bledsoe into the game in Week 5, when he put up 30 points. Aaron Brooks, who is a massive dunce, scored 1.25 that week, and Champ was bludgeoned by the football gods with a 150.25-62.25 loss to Madd Skillz. Of course, it wasn't Champ's most glaring quarterback whoopsy...stay tuned.

7. Travis Taylor (15.50) in Week 3 would have actually given Who Is Ron Mexico back-to-back wins if he had been started over Brandon Stokley (0.50) or Braylon Edwards (4.00), though that's admittedly a tough call when considering a receiver that has done nothing ever since. The WIRM lost 91.50-81.75.

6. This is definitely the Who Is Rox Mexico portion of the program. In the battle of expansions, Who Is Ron Mexico would win in Week 4 (and thus get its third straight win if it had played Travis Taylor the previous week) if Eli Manning (33.75) gets the starting nod over Michael Vick (12.50). The Fat Men win 82.25-73.50 as a result.

5. The curse of Larry Johnson rears its ugly head, and Madd Skillz suffers its only setback of the year. In Week 7, the benched Kansas City Chief scored a 16.50, while starting running back LaDainian Tomlinson scores three points and Skillz loses to Fred Lane's Wife, 104.25-94.25. Of course, nobody in their right mind would have LDT on the bench in favor of Johnson, so we'll just chalk up Ed's loss to bad luck or football god karma generated from incorrect power rankings.

4. A pair of wideouts could have made a difference for Blaine Browns in Week 2, when Santana Moss (21.50) and TJ Houshmandzadah (18.50) decked the bench with boughs of holly fa la la la la la la la la and starter Keenan McCardell got four points, while intoxicated flex back Reuben Droughns got eight. Drew Wolf's team loses by five points to Cellar Dwellars, 106.25-101.25.

3. They say dance with the one that brung you, or in this case dance with the one you wish would have brung you, but one who actually just came for the delicious spread and a chance to sneak away with another guy. While new pickup Brett Favre was busy being a Hall of Famer in Week 4 with 36.00 points for The Octagon, STEAL OF MY HEART Trent Green had 14.75 points, a 21.25 difference and Madd Skillz won by three points, 96.25-93.25.

2. As i mentioned, last week was a difference-maker in the lives of those on the bench. Jake Plummer had 37.50 in Week 8 for Father Abraham's second string, though it's not like Donovan McNabb struggled with 21.00. Still, Abe lost by 9.50 points to Big Fat Guys in a 98.00-88.50 win for the expansion franchise.

1. Cellar Dwellars probably should still be undefeated, but since they were mentioned many times above as a beneficiary, it makes sense that he should suffer a bit as well. Facing Madd Skillz in the battle of league superiority, Andrew Stem elects to sit Jake Delhomme (29.25) in favor of...Mark Brunell?? (0.75). The puzzling choice would not alone have saved Stem, though it also hurt that Jerry Porter (21.00) was eating Nachos while his other four playing receivers combined for 15.50 points, and no individual higher than 5.50. Madd Skillz wins, 96.75-66.75. Boobs.